"And fat, too."

Matt looks up from his video game, temporarily unaware of where he is or why Mello is curled up at the foot of his bed. Snarling. Like a very angry, very blonde, monkey.

"Uh-huh," Matt agrees, not knowing what to. He only has one life left in the game, and he doesn't want Mello to mess it up just yet.

"Ha! So you admit it! Near is fat. Fucking fat. And smelly." Mello has a triumphant gleam in his eyes, which Matt ignores.

"Oh, that was what you were going on about? Mello, you know full well that Near isn't any fatter than you are."

Mello looks like he's ready to cry. Matt pauses the game to undo the mistake.

"No, no. I didn't mean you were fat. I meant that you're both skinny."

He sees the tears forming now.

"Underweight, even. With girl-like frailty. Model-esque…can I just go back to the game?" His goggles are fogging up from all the anxiety.

"Only if you admit that Near smells."

"Near smells like a public lavatory on a hot summer's day, as his mother did before him," says Matt. Mello looks like he could kiss him, which Matt ignores.

Matt flicks the game back on. This sort of thing is an almost daily occurrence at the Wammy's House. After a long day of seething envy, Mello plops himself down in Matt's room and rants and raves about Near. If Mello really set his mind to it, he would come up with insults that had a bit more credence than "smells bad" and "is fat."

After a few minutes, Matt is again completely immersed in his game, only occasionally hearing phrases like "great, hairy donkey" and "stupid as fuck-all" over the sounds of the game. He's about to get to a new level when Mello yanks him back to reality. By the hair.

"Gyaah! Jesus Chri-"

Matt drops the controller in shock as he is actually dragged away from his PlayStation. When he is a few feet away, Mello sits on his lap to prevent him from getting up. The shock and indignity of it all leaves Matt with no escape route, and in the end he settles for crossing his arms and feigning a look of apathy. He wants to give off the vibe that if Mello hadn't pinned him down, he would choose be there anyway. Chillin'. The goggles fog up again.

"Dammit, Matt, could you please listen to me when I talk to you?"

Matt tries to choke out something about the character in the game, who will surely die if Matt isn't returned to his original place at once, but what comes out is a strangled cry of "Glasfomop!"

Mello shrugs and casually examines the bit of Matt's hair that he's still holding. Matt wants to die.

"How odd. I didn't know how much red there is. Or is it auburn?"

Matt sits horrified as his face adopts the same colour as his hair, thoroughly wishing that Mello would get the hell off him, which is what is exactly what he tells him to do.

"Why?" asks Mello, rooting his feet firmly into the carpet.

Matt shoves him off with no small amount of force, and lets Mello know that he is heavier than he looks.

It's only seven thirty at night, but Matt is already tucked snugly into to bed, Pokémon pyjamas on, trying to convince himself that he isn't gay.

An hour passes. Matt's eyes become bloodshot from starting wide-eyed at the ceiling, as though it would offer him some advice on his sexuality.

"Just go with your heart!" he imagines Mr Ceiling saying.

Matt considers the possibility that he is both gay and insane before rolling onto his stomach and plunging the pillow over his head to drown out his own thoughts.

Mr Ceiling chuckles softly.

By eleven thirty, Matt has abandoned all hope of sleep. He stands on his bed, goggles askew—hadn't he taken them off?—looking wildly around his room for something to distract him. He finally settles on his computer. Porn. Porn is the answer. He will look up pictures of naked girls and all heterosexuality will be restored!

After half an hour of porning, Matt still cannot tell if he is straight or not. Yes, the girls are theoretically hot, but the problem lies in the fact that he is picturing Mello in their underwear.

Girlfriends! He's had them before! Surely that makes him straight. He crawls back into bed to think it over.

He went out with Rachel for about a week, but that was probably because she was a female version of him. They broke up because he stole her favourite striped shirt. Bitch. It looks better on him anyway.

Linda. Three weeks, but they called it quits after he shoved his tongue down her throat in a fit of pubescence. After that, neither could look the other in the eye without falling into fits of snorting laughter.

Jessie. Two weeks. Cute, blonde and...a lot like Mello. Matt lets out an audible groan before flopping on his bed falling into a restless sleep.

Matt dreams that someone is clicking a mouse. This mouse-clicker (dark figure, hooded) emits stifled giggles at fairly regular intervals before continuing the clicking. Maybe it's a Ringwraith. Or a Dementor.

The clicking slows down considerably. Matt goes back to some different dream when a piercing cackle sends both his eyes flying open.

The dark figure turns out to be Mello, in his usual all-black get up, laughing at the porn Matt had accidentally left open on the computer.

"It would be better if they weren't bent over like that."

Matt is still not quite awake, and mutters something that sounds horribly like "bend you over" before rolling back into his covers for more blissful sleep when Mello starts his banshee laugh again. Matt jolts straight up, sees a buxom blonde doing unmentionable things on his computer screen, and immediately tries to think of any plausible excuse for the images.

Mello is pointing at the screen now, choking on his own laughter.

"C-c," says Mello between gasps.

"I can explain—er, what?"

"Ca-coun,"

"What, Mello? WHAT?"

"Counter sex!" Mello manages to gasp, before actually rolling on the floor laughing.

This is possibly the most embarrassed Matt has ever been in his life. There is nothing for him to do but step over Mello and delete the evidence of his naughty journey through the internet. Click. Gone is the blonde. Click. No more "hwat guurls!" Click. Click. Click. What they hell was he thinking, falling asleep with all of that up?

Mello, wiping the tears of laughter off his face, turns to face Matt.

"You know Roger sees that, right?"

Matt, who has cleverly deleted his history, is now much less pleased with himself.

"Roger sees the porn?"

"Everything your computer opens or downloads is also sent to him. He can access what you've been up to by going to a folder with your code. You didn't know that?"

"Obviously not, or I wouldn't have chosen last night to look at the Kitchen Karma Sutra."

This sends Mello into a fresh fit of cruel giggling.

"Jesus, Matt, they weren't even pretty."

"I know."

"Just very naked."

"Yes, Mello. I know."

"Did you wank to it?"

"Gah! No! Don't ask me that! Go away, you creepy, creepy little boy." Matt crawls under his covers and prays for the release of Death. It does not come. Instead, Mello silently crawls under the covers with him and scares Matt shitless when he turns around to grab a pillow.

"You can't go to back sleep. There's an assembly we're supposed to go to in twenty minutes. That's actually why I came in. But I got distracted." Matt closes his eyes and pretends not to hear. There is no assembly. This is a Saturday, damn it, and there is only sleepy time.

Mello takes Matt's pillow and pulls Matt's blanket around himself. "Busy, busy," he says. "We've got to go."

Matt looks closely at Mello. From the looks of his face, he didn't have a very restful night either. His skin is pasty and the areas beneath his eyes are slightly purple. Fully awake now, he tries to ask Mello what the assembly is for and receives no answer.

"Mello. The assembly. What's it about?" he tries again.

"Eru."

Great, now Mello is speaking in nonsense words.

"What's an eru?"

"The same thing as an L. That's what the Japanese call him."

"L? Mello, L! We have to go to this. Quickly. I want a good seat. And so do you." Matt seizes Mello by the shoulders, drags him out of his bed, and leads them both out the door and into the hallway.

"Matt, sexy though they are, you can't go to the assembly in your Pokémon jim-jams."

Matt looks down, sees a Pikachu grinning up at him, and darts back into his room to change.

Pants off, jeans on. Shirt off. Striped one on. Jacket. No. Vest. No! Yes, the vest. Yes. Good, good. No! Goggles! Gone! Oh, goggles on. Good, very good. Sneakers or boots? Sneakers or boots? Sneakers! No! Boots! No!

Mello lets out a groan. "Oh hurry up. This is ridiculous. You're wearing practically every bit of clothing you own. We've only got five minutes left, fashionista."

"Who the fuck let you in? I'm changing!"

"Yes, but not well. Your trousers are still unzipped. Up it goes. Very nice. Now let's go."

They both start down the hall before looking at each other and grinning madly. L. The genius they are competing to be. The break out into a run as they head towards the assembly hall.

Mello and Matt have shoved their way up to the third row, just close enough to see that Near has made it to the first row. With Tonka Trucks. Matt sees that Mello is fuming, and pats his head in a very unhelpful way.

"I hate him," says Mello.

"I know you do," says Matt, now unhelpfully patting Mello's shoulder. "I know."

"You're going to have to stop that patting business. It's making me want to do unkind things to you."

Matt withdraws his hand immediately and waits for Roger to emerge and tell them what has happened to the greatest detective in the world. The room nearly silent, with the exception of fingers drumming, hearts racing, and Tonka Trunks vrooming. Finally Roger steps up to a microphone.

"Those of you who follow the news are no doubt aware of the recent deaths of criminals. The nature of the deaths rule out coincidence as a solution. This is the work of a mass murderer, who is informally known as 'Kira.' I'll give you all a moment to appreciate the pun."

Nobody does. Roger continues.

"The Japanese police force, the NPA, have requested and received L's assistance in solving the case. Given the unexplained phenomenon surrounding it, this will easily be L's most dangerous case to date. As such, he wishes to speed up the process of choosing a successor."

Nervous glances all around. Mello clutches Matt's wrist.

"With that in mind, I would like you to make a most sincere effort with all your studies and tests. Also, please prepare yourselves for any interviews L may choose to conduct."

The children are given a Stern Look.

"You are now free to go."