-1Anyone Else But You

Summary: Twilight, what Twilight? Tony manages to get himself some sort of stalker, and of course he would ask Kate for help. If she could just come over a couple of times, pretend they're dating. That's all there is to it. Right? Tate

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS. Le shock.

AN: Set around Switch. Only Kate's not dead. Will be explained.

Chapter one: Plan schman

The bullpen is reasonably quiet when he comes up to her. Gibbs is off somewhere with the new director - Jennifer Shepard - she could swear he has some sort of past with, Ziva is around somewhere and McGee is in the lab with Abby. They are the only ones left in the bullpen and that usually means either a fight or an awkward silence.

"So there is this girl," he starts up, annoying her already, "and she-"

Of course there is a girl. There is always a girl with him. There is always a long-legged blonde with big assets of some sort. He is starting to become predictable.

"No one here is interested in hearing about that," she replies, irritated.

Even though she is the only one there at the moment, there is no interest at all in hearing about his latest girl of the week. Or of the day, probably.

"Are you jealous, Katie," he then asks her.

That would have to be one of the most ridiculous things she has ever heard. Jealousy of the women he uses to get his rocks off? Why would she be jealous of them? She has no interest at all in being used like that, and especially not by him.

"Yes, because I really want to go out with you," she says sarcastically.

He will probably crack some sort of joke about this as well, but she cannot let him think she is jealous of the bimbo's she has heard so much about. Because oh yeah, he just simply cannot keep his mouth shut about his sex life. She already knows way too much about what's her name again. It could be Hannah. Or something.

"Really," he asks, teasing. "Because I think we can schedule something."

She really should have expected that one. After over two years of working with him, she should have known that he would completely disregard the sarcasm and just pick up on the going out with him part. Typical DiNozzo.

"Didn't you hear the sarcasm," she responds, even more annoyed with him.

"I did," Tony says. "I just chose to ignore it."

Again, it's a typical DiNozzo trait to just pick up what he wants to hear. He never actually listens to what she says, or at least, it seems like he doesn't.

"Of course you would," she replies.

Will he ever get back to the topic he seems to want to discuss with her? On the one hand, she really does not want to hear about his latest woman. But on the other hand, maybe this woman has something to do with a case or something else of interest to her.

"So, about this girl," he starts back in on the original topic.

"I can't imagine why you think I would want to hear about it," she speaks.

He'll probably have another one of his typical comments lined up. No matter what she says, he always has something to say, usually something rude. But she gets the satisfaction of putting the last word in most of the time.

"You could use some tips Katie," he mocks her.

How dare he imply anything like that? Not that there is even the slightest possibility that he has some sort of experience with her that would allow him to say something like that to her. And he never will, of course, so he has no right to say this.

"Bite me, Tony," is her retort.

He actually clicks his teeth together a couple of times, grinning at her the whole time, seemingly saying that all she has to do is ask. Of course, she just glares at him.

"Okay, so this girl refuses to hear the word no," he continues.

That sounds like the perfect woman for him. He is always the one chasing after the girl until he gets a boyfriend or fiancé after him, or until he gets a number or a date. Being with a woman who works exactly the same way should work out perfectly. He wouldn't have to do all of the chasing for once. Why does he make it sound like such a problem?

"She sounds a lot like you," she teases him.

Surprisingly enough, he does not seem particularly proud or happy at that. He actually seems very annoyed at that fact. It seem like Tony DiNozzo cannot handle the annoying traits he has himself in the opposite sex. It's kind of amusing.

"She's been calling me all day," he complains.

Maybe he feels crowded by her already. She just hopes this does not turn into another thing where she has to pick up his phone and tell one of his many ex-girlfriends that she is married to him. This better not be another one of his stupid bets with McGee. If it is, the both of them will have to expect a kick in the balls.

"Oh, you poor thing," she sarcastically responds.

"I never gave her my number," he explains with a frown marring his forehead.

This is starting to get into the strange category, with a hint of stalker. One of his dates or ex-dates calling him all the time has almost become a regular occurrence here, but at least then he has given them his phone number. This is just a little creepy.

"Maybe one of your friends gave it to her," she offers an explanation.

She knows some of Tony's buddies, and they seem like just the type to give some strange woman his phone number for laughs. Steve would have done something similar, and maybe that is the reason why they never really worked out.

"She's been visiting me at home," Tony continues to complain.

"Giving her your address sure was a mistake," she snaps back snarkily.

His hands are now resting on her desk, and she has to resist the urge to push them off, as if they are in some kind of childish turf war. Which, unfortunately, does not even sound this far from the truth. They do have the tendency to behave rather childishly around each other. Gibbs is not completely wrong in feeling like a high school principal.

"I didn't give her my address," Tony tells her, annoyed.

Okay, now this woman is seriously starting to sound a bit obsessed. Not even Tony's friends would go as far as to give a strange woman his address, especially not after women like Michelle, one of the few she actually liked.

"She sounds sort of obsessed," she grudgingly admits to him.

"Exactly," Tony says with a triumphant smile.

That smile never bodes any good for her, so she had better stay alert. This has to be a sign that he is up to no good, and she is being dragged into it for some reason.

"And why am I being dragged into this exactly," she just has to ask.

She is not even sure that she really wants to know why he is standing here, hanging over her desk, talking to her about this woman. He is hanging closer to her by the second, and it is starting to make her seriously uncomfortable. Tony should stay at a certain distance from her at all times. This is just incredibly unnerving.

"I need your help," he tells her.

"No way," she immediately replies. "Not even if you paid me for it."

Shouldn't she have known that something like this was coming? With him leaning in on her, hands on her desk, trying to look as innocent as possible. She had to have known that mortification of some kind was bound to ensue. He needs her help in pretending he already has a girlfriend, a serious relationship, with her.

"Look Kate," he starts talking again.

"Why don't you ask one of your many bimbo's," she asks, emphatically waving her arms around to make her point clear. "They'd probably be happy to help you."

In fact, those women would jump at the chance to get closer to him, while to her, this idea is more on the side of horrifying. She will not voluntarily get this close to Tony DiNozzo, not now, not ever. For a case, she might have to, but not otherwise.

"She's a detective," Tony speaks of the mystery stalker.

"Explains the number and the address," she has to acknowledge. "Are you sure somebody doesn't need you for some sort of weird thing?"

Maybe one of his exes is trying to track him down, and this woman he thinks of as a stalker is only trying to reach him for her assignment. It seems a reasonable solution.

"See, I thought of that too," he says. "Until she started sending love letters."

That certainly eliminates her theory, because sending love letters to a person you are trying to find for someone else is not very common. No self-respecting private detective would send that type of letters to one of the "suspects."

"Still doesn't explain why you want my help," she tries to get back on topic.

He probably has dozens of women who would love to do this for him. Why willingly choose the one he is always fighting with instead of the women who adore him? It just seems very strange to her. But he has always been a bit strange, even when she thinks she understands a lot of things he does. She knows him.

"Do you really think those bimbo's could fool her," Tony asks her.

She has to repress the negative response that wants to pass past her lips. It is of no use to express her absolute belief in the stupidity of almost all of those women.

"Tony, we fight all the time," she chooses to call out.

"At least you know me," he admits to her. "I couldn't ask Abby!"

They have come to know each other very well, that much is true. Over the last two years, she has come to expect his typical characteristics, she has become able to predict his actions. It is the same for him. That is what makes them such a good team.

"This is not some stupid bet with McGee again," she requests an answer.

Because if this is just another way to get cash from McGee she will have to demand partial compensation. Meaning that she wants half of the money Tony will get for even getting her into this plan of his. She always does this with Abby.

"I swear on my mother's life that," he starts to respond.

"Your mother's dead, Tony," she cuts him off, eyebrow raised.

Honestly, he has tried that particular trick on her before, back when she was trying to start something with his frat buddy Steve. But she can still distinctly remember that even though swearing on his mother's life was kind of pointless, he was speaking the truth about not following her on that date. He just already knew.

"The other girls would not have known that," he tells her.

Of course not. She doubts those girls know more than his name and where he works, that and maybe his age. He is a strangely private person for someone who spills every detail of his personal life at work. This supports her theory that he has something to hide.

"You'll just keep on asking," she talks about his idea.

"Yes," he says, with a smirk present on his face.

She knows she really shouldn't even be thinking about this, shouldn't even be thinking about agreeing to this, but she is actually seriously considering it. Tony is her colleague - friend? - and he needs her help. Why shouldn't she help him?

"What would it mean," she asks, getting close to giving in.

"Just start showing up at my apartment a couple of times," he says. "Let her think about what it is we're doing in there. Maybe pick up my phone a couple of times."

See, if that is all there is to it, she might actually go through with it. It does not involve anything she is particularly uncomfortable with, like kissing him. That would definitely be something she will not do. But he should know that about her, and if he doesn't she will find a way to get that through to him. It could hurt.

"You do realize that would mean there would be no dates for you," she teases him.

The horror, the horror. Just picturing his life without a date for over a week makes her want to break out in a girlish giggle she has repressed since high school. He wouldn't know what to do without dates. No girls to sleep with every night.

"I think I can live without dates for a while," he responds.

A snort escapes. That is one of many things she would have never expected him to say, denying his addiction to dating. And now he did, and the snort was inevitable.

"I am going to regret this for the rest of my life," she concedes.

His face changes into a frown, confusion written all over it. She has to hide her grin, because there is something adorable about that. Not that she would ever admit that she thought that. Not that she ever even meant to think something like that. Moving on.

"That's a yes, isn't it," he asks her, hopeful.

It is not too late yet. She can still tell him no and never think of this again. Only she knows that she is not going to choose that option, the safe one. Because every person with half a brain knows that spending more time with Tony DiNozzo is anything but safe.

"Only if you won't make me do something really ridiculous," she demands.

"Scout's honor," he says, with a smirk that does not bode any good.

A few seconds later, she remembers why the smirk is not a good sign. She remembers his story about being in the Boy Scouts when he was younger. She remembers the reason why he was kicked out of the Boy Scouts. If that has any relation to this plan, she has to refuse to cooperate. He is in no way going to score with her, in any way.

"No scoring brownie points," she speaks, with a triumphant smile on her face.

While she was thinking of something to say that Tony would not be able to make into something X-rated, McGee has returned to the bullpen. He has probably caught the tail end of their conversation. Hopefully he has not heard about Tony's plan, because that is something she does not want everyone to know.

"Tony as a boy scout," McGee asks with a skeptical look on his face.

"Please don't make him tell that story again," she asks the junior agent.

McGee gives her a look that signifies that he understands the nature of the anecdote and that he no longer wants to hear it. He too has known Tony for a while now, and he is starting to get when to stay quiet and not to ask for more of the stories.

"I was a kid," Tony protests.

"Your maturity rate is still exactly the same as back then," she shoots back.

While looking triumphantly at Tony, she can see McGee holding back a grin, trying not to get caught by the senior field agent, which would earn him a slap to the head.

"You're so nice to me Katie dear," Tony mocks.

See, this is the moment where agreeing to the plan comes in handy. She will be able to hold this one over him for a very long time. He owes her now, and she is going to have fun collecting on this one. She just needs a bit more time to plan.

"I can still change my mind," she tells him, hoping that will do for now.

"Shutting up now," Tony says, making a zipping motion.

While McGee looks at Tony and her in puzzlement, Ziva walks back into the bullpen, seemingly cheery about something. She probably caused another car accident, with her driving style and all. She was an East-European cab driver in a previous life.

"Is this like the time you two were blackmailing each other," McGee asks.

Great work McGee, discuss one of the most embarrassing moments in her professional career in front of one of the only people who does not know about it yet. She has a suspicion that close to the entire team knows about it.

"Blackmail," Ziva asks, obviously curious.

"Abby told you, didn't she," she turns to McGee.

Trying to intimidate McGee into telling things. It still works, fortunately enough for both her and Tony. They are the only ones who seem to use this skill. Well, and Gibbs, but he does it to everyone. It even works on her, something which greatly annoys her.

"She showed him the picture," Tony explains, grinning.

She will have to have a serious talk with Abby about showing that picture. It was more than embarrassing enough that Tony got a hold of it. She does not want the entire team to see the evidence of her wilder years in college. It is just plain embarrassing.

"Picture," Ziva asks.

This topic has to be nipped in the bud now, before more embarrassing and humiliating stuff is laid out on the table. Having that picture sent to Gibbs was already more than enough for her. Abby knows too, and now McGee. More than enough.

"Oh, I'm sorry," McGee apologizes. "It was last year, when Kate and Tony"

Rushing to admonish the probationary field agent, she puts on her angriest face.

"McGee," she calls out.

"Probie," Tony says simultaneously.

Apparently, they are both not eager to have this tale told to the liaison officer. She does not want to tell her because she does not know or like her, and it seems almost the same with Tony. Strange, because she thought they would have been all over each other. Ziva is not afraid to discuss sexual things with him. It seems right.

"You had to be there," McGee concludes the story.

"Right," Ziva responds, looking almost disappointed.

She is so glad that her secrets are not going to be told again that she almost forgets about what she did. She just agreed to one of Tony DiNozzo's great ideas. What the heck was she thinking? And what is she getting herself into?

AN: So, that is the first chapter. Kudo's for everyone who gets the story title.