JACOB BLACK AND THE RUBBER DUCK
Author's Note: I was really bored one day, and this just frickin' came to me. So, yeah. Not to bore you all with one of those extremely long author's notes, but just so you know, this is, will remain to be, and was always planned to be a oneshot. I pretty much just wrote it for my own amusement, and decided that I should post it up.
Summary: Jacob Black imprints on a rubber duck. Duh; entire thing told in third person.
It was a bright sunny afternoon, and Jacob Black was about to pick up Isabella Swan—better known as Bella to the people of the town of Forks, when suddenly his car broke down. This got Jacob very pissed off, so he got out of his car to like, fix it. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with the frickin' damn car, which proceeded to screw up his day even more. Tapping his foot impatiently, he pondered on what he was supposed to do. God knows that that Edward Cullen wouldn't complain if he didn't come. He sighed. And that's when he saw: her.
Or maybe it was a him, but he preferred to think that it was a her. After all, no one had studied the gender of stationary objects before. Hmm... maybe he could look into that. Nevertheless, it was as if he had seen daylight for the first time. He suddenly didn't care about his car anymore. Nor his hate for that Edward Cullen, not even that stupid Isa-frickin'-Bella Swan. Because they didn't matter anymore. Because he had seen: HER!! Okay, so maybe he was overreacting a little. So what if she was just a... a rubber duck? The poor thing must've been there for ages, lying abandoned in that ditch in the side of the road. But he would make it better.
"Jakey will make things better, alright, love?" he asked the duck.
He picked it up, and slid in into the pockets of his jeans, with a protective hand holding it. He got back into his car. Oh, yeah, now it works. But it didn't matter anymore. He drove back to La Push. He took the rubber duck out of his pockets.
"What's your name, oh Rubber Duck?" he asked it, then held it close to his ear to hear its response. "Oh, it's Rubber Ducky, you say? Oh, of course."
He got out of his car and slammed the door shut, then strolled back into his house. Billy would be home, as usual, when he was not fishing with that Charlie Swan. Jacob opened the door quietly, so as to not disturb his father, who was staring intently at a soccer game on their old and mostly static TV.
"Hey, son," Billy greeted him, "What have you got there?"
"This, Dad, is Rubber Ducky. Rubber Ducky, I would like you to meet my father, Billy. Dad, Rubber Ducky," he introduced seriously.
Billy Black was very confused at this point. Why was his son holding a very dirty yellow rubber duck, and talking to it as if it were alive? And most importantly, why was he holding it so lovingly, almost as if... oh, dear god, no, "Uh... Jake. I'd like to have a word with you."
Almost as if understanding exactly what Billy Black was about to say, Jacob whipped around and took off with Rubber Ducky safe in his hand. "You will not have her! She's mine! Come, my love, we will run away from this horrid place, and their prejudices!"
Now Billy was pretty much dumbfounded. Oh god, it was worse than what he'd feared. His son, his pride and joy, Jacob Black, had done the stupidest of all deeds. He had imprinted... with a rubber duck. Billy Black wondered what he was to do...
Jacob was about three miles away already, whispering promises to Rubber Ducky. "...And after that, we'll go to Las Vegas, where some Elvis-like dude will..."
Suddenly, Jacob spotted Sam Uley, and Embry Call, both in wolf form, chasing after him. Quickly, he phased, and with Rubber Ducky held gently in his mouth, he heard what Sam and Embry were thinking... which was basically, 'what the hell is that dude thinking?!'
Jacob, what's going on? Sam asked.
It's none of your fucking business, Jacob replied.
What is that? Embry asked in wonder.
It's Rubber Ducky, Jacob told them, and she's mine, you can't have her!
Man, you have issues, Embry thought.
Jacob growled, and increased his speed. He would have to get away from these... biased people. What did they know? Well... technically, they should know a lot more than he did—Sam, at least. After all, Sam had imprinted on Emily. He knew how it felt. Jacob continued to run, without looking back. He knew that they wouldn't tire, but maybe he could get them to give up.
Seven or eight hours later—he wasn't counting, Embry and Sam had finally given into the fact that he wasn't coming with them, nor had explained what happened. Jacob still had Rubber Ducky firmly in between his teeth, and he phased back into his human form. This of course, caused Rubber Ducky to drop out of his mouth, but luckily for her, Jacob caught her before she could land in the dust.
Jacob wondered for a few minutes what he could do. After all, his ancestors had pretty much lived out here, and it was not like he didn't know how to survive out here. But there weren't exactly a lot of things to keep him entertained, and since he had found out by now that Rubber Ducky was quite shy, and didn't like to speak much, there wasn't anyone here to keep him from going insane. But... he couldn't go back, could he? Back to where those... people, if you could even call them that, would try to take Rubber Ducky away from him.
Geez, this is complicated, Jacob thought, turning Rubber Ducky over in his hands. He decided to pass the time by having a conversation with Rubber Ducky... or rather, talking to thin air and expecting it to reply back, and after about five whole minutes make up an answer to whatever he had asked.
"Rubber Ducky, you have beautiful eyes, you know that?" he asked. To Jacob, there was no longer anything as beautiful as those black-paint-on-yellow-plastic eyes. "And..." he continued, "You're just so... I love you, Rubber Ducky, I truly do."
After yet another couple of hours, the sun was beginning to set. Jacob began making a fire, so that Rubber Ducky wouldn't be cold. In a few short minutes, he had a gigantic-ish fire going. He sighed. Everything was perfect.
But as the weeks wore on, Jacob found that he was not satisfied. No, he wanted to find out more about Rubber Ducky; But... how? The only place to start searching was back home, and god knew he didn't want to go back there. But how could he go back there? How could he face Billy, and Sam, the rest of the pack... and most of all, Bella? He was immensely guilty, but she probably wouldn't care. After all, she had Edward, now. Jacob realized that he wasn't jealous at all, and that what he was feeling was only regret for not saying goodbye properly, to Bella. She was a nice girl... but not his type, Jacob decided... when suddenly...
"OH GOD!!" he shouted, "Uh... guys... I can, uh..." he was facing the entire pack, all of whom looked really angry.
"Good," Sam said, the angry expression clearing up, "I was hoping you could give us your delayed explanation of what is going on."
Jacob sighed, and then launched into my story, "... and so that's how I met Rubber Ducky," I told them.
They all burst out laughing.
"Ah... good one, Jake," Leah said between her giggles, tears coming out of her eyes, "I never thought you would ever get me to laugh again... but the day has come..."
"I'm serious," Jacob said. Cricket, cricket. Wow, that shut them all up fast. "I love her... Rubber Ducky... she's my everything."
They just all stared at him like he had just declared that he would be moving to Mars and growing a second head. What the hell was their problem?!
"You did not just say..." Quil.
"You seriously can NOT be serious!" great grammar, Seth, Jacob thought.
"That's just... ridiculous..." Embry.
"Dude, you imprinted on a two-year-old, I don't see how that's any better," Jacob said angrily to Quil.
"Yes, but that TWO YEAR OLD will one day be NOT A TWO YEAR OLD, while your 'Rubber Ducky' will forever remain... A RUBBER DUCKY!!" Maniacal laughter. Wow, that was so totally not expected, and all.
After more explanations, several pleadings, and a very annoyed Jacob later, he finally agreed to come back to Forks. And that's when... they all blew up.
THE END
Not even. So then, as Jacob and the others headed back to Forks, they met up with Bella.
"Oh, uh... hi, Bella," he said awkwardly.
"Hi," Bella said brightly. So Jacob was right. She wouldn't really care.
"Well... uh... I was just going to say—"
BOOM!
And THAT'S when they all blew up.
THE END
Author's Note: Okay, that was, I think, the stupidest thing I've ever written. Whatever. It was kind of fun to write... yeah. So... hehe. Now I'm bored. Great. Please review and tell me if I should write any more of these totally stupidly random oneshots!