Doesn't Smell Like Roses

©®™ Lt. Commander Richie

Disclaimer: This is probably gonna have to be called 'the one that got away'. I started it, then started rambling, and then finally ended it about six pages later. Ooh! And I have some kind of nerve palsy in my toes because I wore cheap shoes for two days and squeezed them so bad that they now have no circulation! It feels so weird...

Chapter 1

OMG. He's got2 b, liek, a monster hunter or sumthin like Van Helsing cause hes just freakin HAWT. I mean, the only thing tha could make him any cooler wuz if his life wuz liek, a tragic love storie or sumthin.

Post date: 0008 015-10-5, 10:56 PM

The fangirls have got it all wrong. Well, of course, after you get past the terrible grammar and the disgusting spelling they're pretty smart girls... But they've got it all wrong. Sure they had somehow weaseled it out of the internets that Cid and Shera had eloped some time back in the early 0007 990's. So what if they had figured out that Barret spoiled his daughter so rotten that Marlene was next in line for taking over the world, all while simply demanding more crayons, more Star Trek and more Adam West-style Batman? Who cared if they weaseled the true identity of the site Administrator and general perpetrator of the site out of the AVALANCHE fansite's Moderators? Who cares if that Admin was Cloud?

They still have it all wrong.

Yuffie sat back in her computer chair, holding one hand to her head and raising an eyebrow at the most recent example of why teenage girls shouldn't be allowed to use the internet without a passing grade in at least Advanced English. She blinked several times, hoping to rid herself of what she considered to be a brain-melting nightmare. When nothing worked, the Ninja used the scroll wheel on her mouse to scroll back up to the first post in the thread. A few more blinks, and she was ready to X out of the web browser completely.

AAAAH! Wut do u gaiz think about Vincie-kun? OMG so kawaii!!1! His hair is like, omg soooo much longer than mine! Its so pretteh, too!

Post date: 0008 015-10-4, 2:09 PM

"Kawarii..." The Kunoichi trailed off, shaking her head at the total grammatical rape of her native language. Stupid Weeboos and their stupid Wapatainian grammar, didn't they know that 'kawaii' was a whole sentence? At least in her subforum she got to enforce the rule of 'if you don't know Wutainian, don't speak it or I will have you legally drawn and quartered for the total bastardization of my native tongue'.

"Yuffie... What the hell are you doing up this late?" The light in the computer room flicked on, making the Ninja hiss in surprise and slam her head down on the keyboard in an effort to keep the fluorescent lights from destroying her eyesight. Cloud stood behind her, a backwards Cricket jersey with the tag hanging out and a pair of Chocobo-print boxers his only rumpled sleepwear. "... And why are you hitting your head on the keyboard?"

Yuffie stopped her methodical banging, realizing possibly too late that she could wake up the whole bar. "The fangirls are grammatically raping my native language." She supplied, blowing a stray lock of hair back into place. Cloud paused his mental process for a moment, blinking a few times.

"Is this new?" He asked, his question trailing off into a yawn as he itched his side.

"No, they've been doing it for a while now." The Kunoichi said, directing her mouse pointer to the New Reply to Topic button. Cloud shrugged, shaking his head a few times to get a rather stubborn spike back into place.

"Whatever." He muttered, itching at the slight stubble on his cheeks. "Just don't stay up past two. You're hell to deal with when you're on five hours of sleep." With that the lights went out once again, their residual fuzz accompanying Cloud's footsteps down the hall and the radiator next to the top of the stairs.

Wow. You guys are all nuts. OMGLIEKSRSLY. He's not a bounty hunter, he's not secretly Gabriel Van Helsing, and he's definitely not 'kawaii'. Now stop grammatically raping my language and GTFO THE INTERNETS!

Post date: 0008 015-10-5, 11:03 PM

Rather pleased with her handiwork, Yuffie refreshed the page and then went to close it. However, something in a newer post caught her eye. It was rather intriguing. Of course the word was used rather loosely, since the thing was really just kind of intriguing in the sense of intrigue that you get when you drive past a seventeen-car-pileup with a body count higher than the numbers of fingers and toes you possessed. Morbid fascination, you could almost call it.

O, man, I jus had a gr8 thot. He prolly smells real pretty, rite? Soooo, wut if he smells like roses or sumthin? Hes got2 smell good if he looks that freakn hawt.

Post date: 0008 015-10-5, 11:03 PM

For the first time in a long while, even though a long while for Yuffie was really more along the lines of several hours due to her impatience, the Ninja was speechless. Her mouth hung open from the sheer stupidity of it all, and finally she slapped herself before X-ing out of the internet browser. She shook her head a few times, managed a giggle at the Desktop background of the most recent AVALANCHE group photo, and then turned the computer off. Finally the Kunoichi let out a sigh, leaning her head on the computer monitor.

"Fangirls are nutcases." She muttered, before getting to her feet and leaving the room for a nice soft bed, a nice soft pillow, and possibly extremely freaky dreams involving anime characters and their subsequent epic battles of epic-ness that they were doomed to loose if they ever faced off against her.

The next day could hardly be called the next day, what since in Edge all the days looked the same. Gray, dull, monotonous and kinda cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Yuffie refrained from opening her eyes, instead opting to just grope blindly for her alarm clock that just would not shut up with the singing, and the rock music, and the too-pretty-for-their-own-damn-good-but-not-as-pretty-as-Vincent Wutain rock vocalists. Finally her hand came in contact with the stop button, only for her to hit it and for it to begin playing another song, just as loud.

"What kinda Leviathan-damned witchcraft is this?" She groaned, sitting up and looking at the offending alarm clock with a glare that clearly stated that it's death would be long, slow, and painful. Of course she couldn't get mad at it, though. It was playing her favorite band. The fact that it was playing it two hours after she wanted to get up, however, was a different story. Yuffie turned the alarm clock back off, getting out of bed and pulling off the head-biter hat she had been given by Tifa on her last birthday. She raised an eyebrow at its large comical eyes and slightly off-center nose, before shrugging and putting it back on and leaving the guest room that was really just hers since she spent so much time in it anyway.

Her trip, almost quite literally over a stuffed Tonberry at one point, down the stairs was just one of those mornings. Two walls jumped out in front of her, that Tonberry and its stupid little plastic knife nearly gored her foot, and quite obviously she had yet to find the evil that was the source of the Hello!Project. Wait, no, scratch that. Song changed. The evil that was the source of the Malice Mizer. The Ninja turned a corner to get into the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes and hitching up the pants of her bright orange and somewhat-matching Carbuncle-print PJs. Just because they weren't real didn't mean she couldn't have pajamas with 'em all over.

"Must... Kill... Radio playing W-Rock..." Putting on her best zombie face, Yuffie rolled her eyes back up in her head and stumbled forward until the music got loud enough that she was going in the right direction. Of course, her progress was stopped as she slammed her head into the open freezer door, stumbled backwards and stepped in something that she really didn't want to know about and slipped on the linoleum. The music stopped and Vincent leaned back out of the freezer, raising an eyebrow at the woman laying on the floor and swearing like Cid on a bad day. All his old leather stuff was hanging outside to dry, his cloak was in the dryer, and his claw was sitting in a cleaning solution next to the leather stuff, so all he had was a borrowed shirt with Pac-Man on it and a pair of pajama pants printed with Reindeer. The glove covering his left forearm looked like something formerly owned either by a mental inpatient or Vash the Stampede.

"Yuffie... Are you alright?" He asked, getting fixed with a glare that could probably kill Sephiroth again, and again, and again until he finally learned his lesson. Vincent raised his eyebrow even higher, fixing the Ninja with an incredulous look.

"Of course I am. Just ignore the slowly-growing tender lump on the back of my head, the possible blood and the stuff that I really don't wanna know about that I slipped in." Yuffie snapped, propping herself up on her elbows so as to better direct her glare. Vincent shook his head, leaning back into the freezer and pulling out a bag of frozen peas. The disgruntled Kunoichi got to her feet, taking the bag and pressing it to the back of her head. She stuck her tongue out and pulled down one eyelid at the back of the freezer door, stopping quickly as Vincent closed the door and raised his eyebrow once again at her.

"You missed breakfast." He finally said, turning and walking to the stove to take a slightly egg-crusted pan off a burner. Yuffie shrugged and drug out a bar stool, sitting down and holding the bag of peas to the back of her skull.

"No matter what I do, I can't get my eyebrows to do that. How the heck can you look like a Vulcan yet not pluck your eyebrows like Leonard Nimoy?" Vincent fixed her with a glare over the soapy sink, an eyebrow raised almost to the point that it disappeared under his red bandanna. The Kunoichi laughed, snerking ever so slightly between every laugh. But suddenly she gasped, holding the back of her head with both hands instead of just the one. "Shut up." She muttered, catching sight of something barely resembling a smirk on his face.

"You want me to make you something?" Vincent asked, looking back down at the soapy sink and scrubbing at the pan with a pad of steel wool. Yuffie shook her head, wincing as she immediately regretted it. "Suit yourself." He muttered, shaking his gloved hand in an effort to get all the water off it.

"Hey, Vinnie?" The Ninja asked after a while, after watching him finish the pan and dry it before setting it back in the cabinet where it had come. The gunslinger turned, a questioning look in his eyes as he returned to the sink. He reached down into the dirty water with his ungloved hand, pulling the plug and setting it next to the faucet.

"Something bothering you, Yuffie?" The Kunoichi pulled the sack of peas, now covered in condensation and more like pea mush than frozen peas, from the back of her head and sat them down on the counter in front of her.

"Something like that. See... I was toodling around on the internet last night, more specifically on the AVALANCHE fansite... And I was wondering something." Vincent made a face at this, something that looked a bit like a cross between fear and annoyance, with maybe a bit of anger mixed in there somewhere.

"No." Yuffie made an noise of annoyance, sticking her lower lip out and adjusting her head-biter hat so as to somewhat cover her eyes.

"C'mooooon! Just listen! I had nothing to do with that theory and you know it!" Once again he raised an eyebrow, this time an incredulous glare that clearly stated murderous intent fixed on the Ninja across the counter from him.

"Why do I doubt that?" The gunslinger asked, wiping his hands on a towel with large pineapples printed on it. Yuffie thought for a moment, before coming to a realization.

"Ooh! I get it!" She grinned, thrusting a hand into the air and then leaning forward and slamming it on the countertop. "You don't wanna listen because you think I'm one of your hormonally-driven teenage fangirls that was in on the theory of Cerberus being compen-" in a surprise move, Vincent lunged across the counter and clasped his ungloved hand over her mouth. He fixed her with a glare that could probably send any seasoned SOLDIER running for his mother, red eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I think I've heard enough." He muttered, before making a barely-there face and drawing his drool-covered hand away from Yuffie's mouth. She grinned around her tongue, a long and thin trail of spit connecting the two. Vincent looked at the hand before wiping it on his pants, his lip curling slightly.

"What do you smell like?" This time, instead of anger and slight wariness at the question, the gunslinger looked outright confused. He was going to answer, even going as far as opening his mouth, but he closed it again. Then he leaned on the counter, raising one hand and opening his mouth again before closing it and settling for just raising an eyebrow at her.

"Excuse me?" He finally asked, putting his other hand on the counter and leaning slightly over the sink.

"The idiotic fangirls that are grammatically raping my native language wanna know!" Yuffie said, in all complete seriousness and with a totally straight face. He sighed, reaching over the counter and picking up the bag of pea mush and turning to open the freezer.

"What do you want?" He asked, putting the peas with the diced okra and the carrots. "Fruit or vegetable?"

"Either's fine." The Ninja remarked, before snapping out of the slouch she had gotten herself into and pointing at the gunman. "Hey! Don't change the subject! What do you smell like?"

"Blueberries it is." Vincent pulled a bag of frozen blueberries from the freezer, handing them across the counter. "And I can hardly see why it's any of your business."

"It's not my business." The Kunoichi remarked, taking the frozen bag of berries and sticking it on the back of her head. "Much better. It's the illiterate fangirls' business, not mine." Feeling something slightly sticky on one hand, Yuffie brought it to her mouth and licked some of the purpleish juice off her fingers. "Good blueberries," she began, flipping the bag over so that the corner with the small hole in it wouldn't be pouring blueberry juice down her neck. "Can I sniff you?"

Vincent paused for a moment, thinking. He finally raised an eyebrow at her, crossing his arms. "That has got to be the weirdest thing you've asked me, since..."

"A month ago, when I asked you to put a Mandragora on a leash for me. I know, I know. It wasn't the most thought-through of plans. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. So whaddya say? Can I sniff you?" She looked so hopeful and so happy, even with a bag of blueberries keeping the swelling on the back of her head down, that he couldn't help but sigh in defeat.

"Fine. Just don't tell me what they say in response. I don't need to know." In a heartbeat the Ninja was over the table and clinging to his side like a koala that had just found a brand spanking new Eucalyptus tree. To be quite fair to both parties, they were a bit uncomfortable. Vincent, in his naiveté, had expected Yuffie to get up and calmly walk around the counter before sniffing his shoulder like any semi-sane person that would make that kind of request would do. He hadn't taken into account that Yuffie was a Ninja, clearly of somewhat insane persuasions, and possibly a fangirl. Yuffie, on the other hand, was just plain regretting leaving the bag of blueberries on the counter. That sudden lunge had sent her head spinning like she had just gotten off the Shera. The Kunoichi took a few sniffs of the gunman's shoulder, thinking for a bit while reaffirming her hold on his general upper body.

"You smell like... Breakfast foods." She finally said, letting go and setting her feet on the linoleum. "Which makes sense, what with you just making a bunch." But then she was right in front of him, jumping up to lock her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips, and before he could properly react they were both toppling to the floor and she was sniffing his neck.

"Yuffie, get off." Vincent said, but made no attempt to push her off.

"No way!" She said, taking a few deep whiffs. "You also smell a bit like wet dog. Wet dog and the very back of a really old antiques shop."

"Wet... Dog? What?" The gunslinger asked, just giving in to whatever madness had possessed the Ninja sitting on his chest in bright orange Carbuncle pajamas and deliberating over just what the heck all the things he smelled like came from.

"Wet dog's gotta be the Galian Beast, what since that's the only Limit Break you ever use anymore... You also technically kinda smell like old lady house. You know- musty velvet cushions, handmade doilies, ten cats? That's the coffin right there. Then there's breakfast, but that doesn't count because it's not cool enough." At some point during her tirade of explanations, Yuffie had moved so she was sitting on Vincent's stomach, and had crossed her legs on his chest. He was now turning red, which either meant he was embarrassed or he was angry. Either that or he was running out of oxygen. But didn't that mean he would turn blue?

"Yuffie... Off!" He choked out, and the Ninja scrambled off him until she hit the back of her head on a cabinet. A string of loud curses came flying from her mouth, trickling from Midgarian gangspeak to Wutainese Yakuza slang. All in-between were general four-letter words, only stemming when her head was gently pulled forward and the melting bag of blueberries was placed on the back of it.

"Thanks, Vinnie." The Kunoichi smiled, and held the blueberries to the back of her head with one hand as she took his proffered gloved hand to be pulled up. But the sudden standing made her woozy, and with a groan Yuffie promptly gained a face full of Pac-Man shirt.

"You sure you're alright?" His voice rumbled in his chest, making the Ninja smile.

"Yeah, I'm good." She said, pushing away from him and grinning widely. "But will your reputation be after I go post my findings on the internet?" With a laugh, Yuffie was gone. Vincent rolled his eyes, taking the blueberries she had sat on the counter and opening the freezer to put them back. When he closed the freezer door, though, the same Ninja stood on the other side as though she had always been there.

"Did you forget something?" The gunslinger asked, raising an eyebrow at her. Yuffie shrugged, looking up towards the ceiling.

"Something like that." She grinned and darted forward, kissing him lightly on the cheek before bolting for the stairs to the second floor. "Thanks!" She called back over her shoulder, making a beeline for the computer room. Vincent simply raised an eyebrow, a hand coming to his cheek and touching the spot she had kissed him.

"Don't mention it..." He trailed off, before turning the radio back on.

I'unno, guys. I'm not trying to fit in with you weirdos, but if anything he probably smells like gunpowder and some kind of aftershave.

Post date: 0008 015-10-6, 10:31 AM

"Sweet Leviathan, they've involved the literate people?" Yuffie stared at the screen, ready to forgo presenting her findings. What had begun as a simple statement had evolved into a full-blown argument, the posts on the topic ranging from the most recent and hottest cologne to some girl that said he must smell like garbage because he looked like he had just fought a hobo for a street corner. That last one had sparked an argument all of its own, most of it unreadable to anyone with a higher education. Sighing, the Ninja clicked the New Reply to Topic button. A new screen popped up, and she began to type.

Yeah, you're all nuts. OMGLIEKSRSLY. I, Yuffie Kisaragi, Single White Rose of Wutai and all that jazz, just went and sniffed him. I got a face full of Pac-Man shirt in the process, too! But guess what? He smells like eggs, and bacon, and hashbrowns, and toast, and that really strong hot sauce that Cloud makes himself that can knock out a Dragon because he's a SOLDIER and can't feel pain or something like that and wet dog and the back of a really old antiques shop! So you're all WRONG! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Post date: 0008 015-10-6, 10:35 AM

Okay, so maybe the fangirls have it all wrong. But at least one of them has it right.

Okay, so a while back I noticed a trend. In a lot of fiction, I saw that Vincent apparently smelled like roses. So, just for the hell of it, I went and took a bubble bath with rose-scented bubble stuff. It smelled absolutely cloying and disgusting, and quite unfortunately I smelled like that for the next couple of days no matter how many times I tried to shower the smell off.

But... For reasons best left undisclosed, I find myself thinking of Vincent smelling more like my dad's kitchen on a Saturday morning than roses. Adding in the obvious smell of wet dog (even though wet cat smells so much better) because of the Galian Beast, old lady house because of the really old coffin... Maybe a bit of fire-n-brimstone for Chaos and some decomp for the oh-so-huggable Frankenstein that is Death Gigas... Yeah.

The opening lines (not the italicized fangirlgasm) came to me a while back. Dunno when, but they demanded that they be written. So here they are, with the accompanying Yuffentine.

Oh, and if you haven't already? Go read Falling Snow! It won 2nd place at the Sakuracon 2008 fanfiction contest! It didn't get enough points for first, even though it was the judge's favorite... Guess that's the fun part of a panel of judges that're all Yuffentine shippers!