Disclaimer: The Mass Effect Universe belongs to Bioware, not me. I just borrowed it for a little while. I hope I've returned it in reasonably good condition.
This is fluff, nothing more. The fluff that results from having to put the story you're working on aside so you can finish your taxes. After a day and a half trying to decipher IRS forms, this notion struck me as amusing and I went with it.
Paperwork
"Because I want to do something to help, Liara. I've been going a little stir crazy after being stuck here in the med center for a week and— ow!" Anna Shepard yelped as the pain shot down her left arm. She'd been told it would take time for her dislocated shoulder to heal completely. I guess I should just be glad my cracked ribs have finally knitted or I'd still be stuck here.
"Let me," the asari stepped forward and gently finished pulling the jacket of Shepard's dress uniform onto the Commander's shoulders. "You know, a week ago you saved the Citadel from certain destruction. I do not think anyone would begrudge you the chance to take a little rest," there was more than a hint of teasing in the archeologist's voice at the last.
"I know," Shepard replied, as she finished buttoning the jacket. "I know. I just don't feel right about sitting around doing nothing while there's so much to be done to rebuild." She leaned back against the edge of the hospital bed, lost for a moment in contemplation of just how much rebuilding there was to do.
Liara took a long look at the Spectre and shook her head in bemusement. "Anna, has anyone ever told you that you have a somewhat overdeveloped sense of duty?"
"Yes, I seem to recall you saying something along those lines not too long ago." Shepard smiled ruefully. "But Dr. Michel has cleared me for light duty, and I want to help. Even if I'm just coordinating comm traffic. And this seems like a good time to point out that you volunteered to help with the cleanup pretty quickly after getting sprung from here yourself," she finished with a grin.
"Point taken," Liara said laughing. "I do not suppose that either of us is very good at turning away when help is needed," she stepped closer and placed her hands lightly on Shepard's shoulders. "All I ask is that you try to find a way to assist that is unlikely to put you back in the med center," she kissed Shepard lightly. "We have not really had a chance to be alone since before Ilos, and I would like to spend this evening making up for lost time," she concluded and leaned in for another kiss.
Shepard's head swam, thoughts of everything except the woman in front of her driven from her mind as Liara's tongue slipped past her lips to tangle with her own. Her hands went automatically to the asari's hips and pulled her closer. It had been a very long week, and longer still since they'd had any time to spend together without the shadow of some impending catastrophe looming. Maybe this was a sign that life was finally settling down to normal, or as normal as it ever got these days. "I've missed you too," she said when they finally broke apart several minutes later. "You know, I've still got about an hour before my meeting with Anderson, we could sneak off somewhere a little more private for a while…." Shepard trailed off suggestively.
Liara's eyes gleamed, but after a moment she shook her head and stepped back. "No," she said regretfully, "we had better not. I suspect if we did you would miss your appointment."
Shepard sighed, "You're probably right." She closed her eyes for a moment and returned to reality. "Then, will you at least join me while I try to find breakfast somewhere other than here? I'm getting really, really tired of hospital food."
An hour later, Anna Shepard sat in the Alliance embassy office wondering exactly why she had thought returning to duty seemed like a good idea. "Paperwork, sir?" she asked, her heart sinking.
"For now, Shepard," Captain Anderson replied, not unsympathetically.
"Sir, I know I haven't been cleared for regular duty yet," she felt another twinge in her shoulder as she said this, "but there must be something else I can do to help out here. Something…." Useful.
"Consider this the bureaucrats' revenge for you getting away without any official disciplinary action for 'borrowing' the Normandy. There are still a few people who aren't happy about that."
The names Mikhailovich and Udina flashed through Shepard's mind. "And no good deed goes unpunished?"
"Something like that. You could always just take advantage of the extra days of medical leave you were offered."
Shepard considered the idea again briefly, but the memory of the past week's frustration decided her. "Thank you sir, but I need to get back to work, even if it's only desk duty."
"I understand," Anderson said quietly as he handed Shepard a small stack of OSDs. "You might want to find somewhere to work other than here at the embassy for the next few days, though. Ambassador Udina has been making life around here pretty unpleasant. I don't think he's likely to forgive me for that black eye anytime soon, and he's not real happy with you right now, either."
Shepard retreated to the quarters she'd been assigned during her stay on the Citadel, wishing the Normandy were still docked, which would have allowed her to work in more familiar surroundings. However, as one of the few ships that had come though the fight with Sovereign unscathed, her ship was already back in space (under the temporary command of Pressly), assisting with removing the cloud of battle debris that continued to orbit the Citadel.
She made a quick call to Liara, asking her to stop by when she was finished with her day's volunteer work, gingerly removed her uniform jacket, rolled up her sleeves, and slid the first OSD into the data entry terminal to take a look at what was in store for her.
Her father had once said that Alliance paperwork created its own very special circle of hell, but she'd never found it to be too much trouble. Of course, up until now, she'd only had to file routine reports. Looking at the listing of forms and reports required to account for the Normandy's most recent adventures, she discovered that there was an entirely other level of reporting. A level reserved for those who had pissed off the wrong people in the Alliance bureaucracy. Which she obviously had. And the Council's decided to join the fun as well, she noticed, looking at the titles of a few forms. I really should have just taken the extra leave, she thought as she started through the forms.
Citadel Office of Special Tactics and Reconnaissance
Equipment Replacement Form
Equipment to be Replaced: HMWSG Prototype Shotgun, S/N: 368
Please explain circumstances under which equipment failure occurred:
Shepard sighed. In retrospect, redlining the power on her shotgun while firing high explosive rounds had probably not been her greatest tactical decision. It had worked. The shot had stopped what was left of Saren after Sovereign reanimated the body, but it also fused the firing controls and nearly burned a hole through the barrel.
At least it'll be entertaining for anyone who actually bothers to read these, she thought and continued filling in the blanks.
Systems Alliance Military
Equipment Status Report
M35 Infantry Fighting Vehicle, S/N: 573428143589
Current operational status of equipment (Check One):
Fully Operational:
Sustained Minor Damage:
Sustained Severe Damage:
Sustained Catastrophic Damage: X
Abandoned in Field During Mission:
If equipment sustained catastrophic damage or was abandoned in field, is replacement required? (Y/N): Y
If equipment sustained catastrophic damage or was abandoned in field, describe circumstances that resulted in destruction / abandonment of equipment:
M35 IFV sustained catastrophic damage upon crashing into Citadel Tower after being driven halfway across galaxy via mass relay conduit between Ilos and Citadel while racing to stop insane rogue Spectre and billion year old artificial intelligence bent on destroying galactic civilization.
Shepard stared at the terminal in front of her. Well, that is an accurate description… she thought. But I should really take a break if I'm getting this punchy. If I can just finish this one form first, though…. Shepard blinked the fatigue out of her eyes and began wracking her brain for a more bureaucratically acceptable explanation of the Mako's destruction.
"Anna…? Anna…? Shepard!"
"Huh?" Shepard started in surprise, turned, and found herself looking at the amused face of Liara T'Soni, who was sitting beside her on the sofa. "Hi!" she said hurriedly, setting the data entry terminal on the coffee table. "Hi," she said more quietly, running a finger along the asari's cheek before leaning in to kiss her lightly. "How long have you been here? I didn't hear you come in."
"That much is obvious. I have been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes," Liara smiled and shook her head. "I thought I was supposed to be the… what was the phrase Joker used… oh, yes, 'absent-minded professor' with her eyes glued to a data display, oblivious to everything."
"Well, maybe you're starting to rub off on me a little," Shepard teased, stealing another brief kiss. Liara was, suddenly, a very welcome sight.
"What in the name of the Goddess are you working on? I do not think I have ever seen you scowl quite like that."
"Paperwork. The Alliance brass has given me enough to keep me busy for the rest of my career." She rubbed her eyes and tried to clear her head. "And, not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing here? I thought you weren't planning to stop by until this evening."
"It is evening," Liara said in surprise.
"What?" Shepard glanced at the chrono display, which read 18:53, and blinked in surprise. Have I really spent the last eight and a half hours filling in forms? "Wow," she muttered half to herself, "Dad's right, it is like some kind of a time warp…"
"If you still have work to do, I can come back later—"
"No! No. I didn't realize it was that late. I've been at this for hours, I need a break." Shepard focused more completely on the woman in front of her, who looked tired. "Looks like you could use one, too. Rough day?"
"Long," Liara replied with a sigh. "There is still a great deal of debris to remove from the Wards. I have spent most of the day Lifting things. That gets a little tiring. Paperwork sounds almost restful in comparison."
Shepard laughed sharply. "You've obviously never dealt with Alliance paperwork. While I can think of many, many words to describe it, restful is not one of them."
Now it was Liara's turn to laugh. "It cannot be any worse than some of the expedition paperwork I have had to fill out. You should see the forms that are required for authorization to conduct an archaeological dig on any world in Citadel space. They take weeks to complete and require the sort of information that you do not actually acquire until after you have finished the field work."
"Believe it or not, I have seen those forms. The Alliance brass, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to classify the Thorian as a prehistoric artifact, which apparently qualifies our trip to Faros as an archaeological expedition, and since Faros is within Citadel space…."
"You must be joking…" Liara said with a giggle, but then took in Shepard's flat expression. "You are not joking. They consider the Thorian an artifact?! But… that's— that—"
"In a nutshell, is the kind of day I've had," Shepard replied with a smile. "If you try to make sense of it, your head will explode. At this point I'm just hoping to slog through with a small shred of my sanity intact. But I may have already lost that fight it if it took you five minutes to get my attention just now." She smiled apologetically. "Sorry."
"It is all right. You seemed so intent, I almost hated to bother you."
"You can bother me any time you want," Shepard said seductively.
"I will keep that in mind in the future," Liara replied with a glint in her eye. "Would you like some help with the paperwork? I have gotten quite good with expedition forms, and I would not mind—"
"I would love some help," Shepard said, sliding her hand up Liara's arm. "But I like the offer you made me this morning a lot better," she ran her hand down the asari's back, drawing her closer. "The paperwork can wait," she declared with finality as her lips caught Liara's in a passionate kiss.
"Yes, the paperwork can wait," Liara agreed several minutes later, before her lips once again met Shepard's. She slid her hands up Shepard's chest, provoking a shudder of arousal before she began slowly unbuttoning the Commander's shirt. The trouble came when Shepard wrenched her shoulder in her haste to finish ridding Liara of her lab coat. "Oh, no! Your shoulder." Liara drew back when she saw Shepard wince. "Did I—"
"It's okay," Shepard replied, dropping the coat on the floor, and turning back to the asari.
"Maybe it would be better if we didn—"
"No, I'm sure we can find a way around this little problem," Shepard said firmly, as she continued with her task of removing the rest of Liara's clothing.
Some hours later, as Shepard lay in bed half-dozing, she heard a voice beside her murmur, "An artifact! How did humans ever manage to get as far as they have in the galaxy if they are also mad enough to do things like classify the Thorian as an artifact?"
"That," Shepard replied, chuckling, "is one of the great mysteries of the universe."
More minutes passed in thoughtful silence.
"It really takes weeks to fill out the archaeological expedition paperwork?"
"Yes."
"Crap."