TUNA SURPRISE

Harry walked up to Seven's table in the mess hall, smiled and asked, "Is anyone sitting here, Seven?"

She looked up from her tray and cocked her head to the side slightly to indicate her annoyance. "Mr. Kim, certainly you can see that the other seats at this table are unoccupied, therefore I do not understand why you must disturb my meal by asking me to answer your question and state the obvious."

He tried to smooth over her irritation with a smile. "Sorry, Seven, it's just an expression! I was just asking you if you mind if I sit here?"

She picked up her fork and resumed eating. "That would be acceptable."

Harry sat and poked at the food on his tray. "Is the tuna surprise good?"

"No." She ate another bite. "Mr. Kim, why is this food called tuna surprise? The menu stated that it would be served this evening, so its presence could hardly be considered a surprise." Seven poked at it, examining it more thoroughly. "I have noticed that others are also closely examining the tuna surprise before they tentatively consume it; is there some hidden object in the food that must be found, is that the surprise?"

Harry laughed as he pulled a purplish curly thing out of the casserole and tried to figure out what it was. "No, Seven, although you never know what you'll find in Neelix's food. I don't know why it's called that, it's just a name." He threw down his fork and gave up. "Anyhow, it tastes like all the other crap Neelix cooks, everything the last two weeks has tasted the same... bad! Boy will I be glad when they get the replicators back online!"

"Agreed," Seven said as she pushed her tray away. "I have a supply of nutritional supplement number forty-three in the cargo bay. You may accompany me and consume some if you wish."

Harry was skeptical. "Uh, how does it taste?"

"It is quite similar to nutritional supplement number seventeen."

"Oh, that good? Seven, I have a better idea! I have a bag of some kind of snacks and a bottle of something called faroozi-nek that I got on that last planet we visited. Why don't we go to my quarters and get it, it can't be worse than this stuff."

"Actually, Mr. Kim, it is quite possible that your offerings could be worse than what Mr. Neelix prepared, however I believe the possibility to be quite remote, therefore your offer is acceptable."

They returned to Harry's quarters. He dumped the snacks into a bowl, poured two glasses of the curious viscous alien beverage and placed them on the coffee table as he said, "Please, Seven, have a seat."

"I prefer to stand," she replied as she picked up her glass, drained the contents and sat it back down. "You were correct, this beverage is preferable to tuna surprise."

Harry picked up his glass and cautiously sampled it, choking as the small sip burned it's way down his esophagus. "Wow, this stuff sure has a kick to it! Seven, this stuff is pretty strong, maybe you shouldn't have drank it so fast? I didn't know it was like this, I though it was some sort of fruit punch."

"I fail to see the logic in delaying the consumption of the beverage if one plans to consume the entire portion. Mr. Kim, is the environmental control system malfunctioning? It seems that the temperature in your quarters greatly exceeds the 22.2 degree standard."

"Uh, Seven, I don't think you should've drank that stuff so fast, you're not used to it."

"You are incorrect. I consume liquid supplements three times daily. I always consume them quickly, it is more efficient. I believe I am in need of additional supplementation, might I have more?"

He took her glass, refilled it and handed it to her. "OK, but don't drink it so fast this time, I think this stuff has a lot of alcohol..." He trailed off as she drained her glass and put it back on the table. ..."alcohol in it."

Seven put her hand to her mouth as she hiccupped loudly. "I believe I am experiencing a muscle spasm of the diaphragm. Perhaps consuming more of the beverage will eradicate it? I am also experiencing an unusual neural sensation, are the inertial dampeners offline?"

"No, Seven, but maybe it would be better if you sat down? Here, eat some of this stuff, some food in your stomach might help and won't you please sit down?"

"I stand to prefer," she announced as she flopped down on the couch, somewhat involuntarily. "Mr. Kim, are you certain the ship is not experiencing some sort of temporal spatial distooooortion?"

Harry shook his head and grinned. "No, Seven, it's just the effects of the alcohol."

"Alcohol?"

"Yeah, this stuff is pretty potent."

She picked up the bottle and held it up to the light before she took a swig. "I agree, it is pretty. Alcohol?" Seven thought for a moment. "Ah, are we engaging in the ritual where the male provides the female with a quantity of alcohol sufficient to induce her to copulate?"

He grabbed the bottle away from her. "NO! Seven, I didn't know this stuff was so strong and I told you not to drink it so fast. I wasn't trying to get you drunk, I swear."

"Drunk? Am I druuunk?"

"Yeah, I think so, Seven. It sure worked fast on you."

"Curious. I am unfamiliar with the alcohol of consumption ritual, explain what I must do now that I am 'drunk'."

Harry laughed. "It's kinda hard to explain, alcohol effects each person differently."

"I do not understand."

"Well, take Tom Paris..."

"I do not want Mr. Paris!" she protested loudly.

"No, Seven, it's an expression. Aw, geez! OK,when he's drunk Tom gets real silly and tells bad jokes and gambles away all his rations. B'Elanna gets real loud and foul mouthed and hurts Tom, Captain Janeway unzips her uniform, shoots pool like a demon and giggles a lot and Chakotay, well, he doesn't really get drunk, he just kinda sits there with the same drink all night and watches Janeway and smiles. Seven, you don't look so good, how about I take you to sick bay and let the doc reverse the effects of the alcohol?"

"No, I am enjoyyyying them, urrrrp. Mr. Kim, how does effects alcohol you?"

Harry shook his head and passed Seven the bowl of snacks, hoping she would eat some and it would counteract the alcohol a bit. "Well, I usually just puke and pass out, that's why I never drink much."

"Puke? I am unfamiliar with this worrrrd. Are you certain the malfunctionings are not environmentally controls?"

Harry ordered the computer to lower the temperature in his quarters. "Puke means, you know, vomit, barf, hurl, retch, upchuck, spew, toss your cookies..."

Seven grabbed a handful of the pop corn-like snack and shoved it in her mouth. About half of it actually made it there. "Curious, it seems indundant and reefficient to have so many same things for the word. Please advise me when it is the proper time to 'puke', I wish to learn to ritual the engaging human."

Harry shook his head. "Uh oh, what have I done now? Seven, I really think you should go see the Doc, I think this purple stuff has got your nanoprobes in overdrive!" He tried to help her up off the sofa, "C'mon, let's get you down to sick bay!"

She easily pushed him off and slammed him back to the sofa with one hand. "Negative, I wish to continue the ritual!" Seven grabbed another handful of snacks, this time almost all of it missed her mouth, landed on top of her humongous breasts and just stayed there.

Harry sat and stared at the pile of pop corn, trying to decide if he should say something to Seven about it and, if so, how exactly should he phrase it. Seven, you've spilled pop corn on your chest, no...Seven you have pop corn on your chests...breasts...um, I think you spilled some food on your uniform, there, up at the top, on you busts, your boobs, no, not boobs, Harry!... those huge silver things, you have food on your mammary glands, yes, she would use the technical word, oh my gosh but they're huge...

"Mr. Kim, I do so wish my breasts would stop staring at your eyes!" Seven said as she listed to the left. "I do not understand why my breasts are so fascinated with human males."

Harry's face immediately got redder than a sunburnt Kazon. "Uh, oh...Seven, I wasn't looking, I mean I was, uh, oh you spilled some food... there, on your front things." He took a big gulp of his drink to steady himself. "Seven, you've had enough to drink, I think maybe it would be best if you went back to your alcove now."

Seven looked down and stared at the snacks resting on her chest. She curled herself up a bit and slowly began to nibble them off and giggle as Harry was really starting to lose it. Yeah, he liked her and would be more than willing to help her "clean her plate", but she was shit faced drunk and he just wasn't the kind of guy that was going to take advantage of that. He committed the image to memory as he was the kind of guy that would create a holo program and sell it to Tom Paris!

When Seven was finished she leaned forward to grab the bottle off the coffee table. "I am thirsty, Mr. Kim, I... oh,... BLAAAAAAAAP!" Seven wiped her mouth and flopped back on the sofa as a silly grin came to her face. "Was it the proper time to... puke?"

"Not exactly, Seven," Harry replied as he went to get some towels to clean up the mess. When he finished and disposed of them he returned to the couch to find Seven asleep. Calling in a favor, he had B'Elanna transport them to the cargo bay without asking any questions and safely tucked Seven into her alcove.

He took one last look at her before he turned to leave. Her usual implacable Borg expression was disrupted as she burped loudly, then smiled slightly as she said, "Goodnight, Harry."

THE END