Bwahaharr, time for angst to the max and a tragic ending. This is what I wish would've happened, more or less, when I got to the part of the series where L died. If you're as unhappy about it as I am, perhaps you'll enjoy this.

Warning: L's name spoiler!

By the way, writing this angsty stuff after reading lemons is hard. Xx And sorry getting this up took so long, people seem to think that I have a life.

Misa Amane's execution was longer in coming than I had originally hoped. Not because I wanted her dead, but because the longer it was put off the longer we all had to suffer.

And the execution wasn't really an execution, unfortunately. A few days before the date had been set, early January of 2005, she was found dead. The autopsy's conclusion was almost unneeded; I immediately knew that someone with a notebook had done it even before the results came back as "cardiac arrest, cause unknown."

The trial had taken far too long for my liking. At first I had tried to convince the other task-force members to skip the trial and carry out the execution in secret. We're putting responsibility for an absurd number of deaths in the hands of a twenty-one year old female model; our proof being surveillance tapes that show her writing down names and talking to herself. The others were adamant, though, and I was forced to concede. They did agree that the shorter we make the trial the better, but they were fixated on going through the proper procedure. The government had been frowning upon the investigation since Yotsuba applied its pressure, though; one more reason to avoid getting involved, in my opinion.

Even so, all that arguing was eventually rendered moot. I sigh in resignation, absently holding a sugar cube between my teeth. Now the second Kira is out of the way, and with the killings having predictably stopped when she was arrested, there is the question of the original Kira.

The fact is pretty much understood between Light and I that I know that he is Kira, and he is well aware that I know. And yet, we remain doing pretty much nothing but trying to look like we're doing something. The others still have to be convinced of this fact that I have already (intellectually at least) accepted, and now that Misa has been dead for over a week with no activity from Kira forthcoming, the conclusion is inevitable.

By now, I feel nothing but a dull, persistent ache. The first two or three days the beast had been slowly crushing my heart in its grasp, reducing it to tiny fragments. My metaphorical lifeblood seeped from these fragments; they wept bitter red tears as I slowly internalized the cruel truth, until they could bleed no more. Now truly, I am hollow. The fragments, bone dry and fragile, have crumbled to dust and blown away; leaving the beast called love to prowl the inner chambers of my being, its growls and snarls ringing eerily from the stark walls.

Never before have I experienced this void. The walls had previously kept emotion at bay, but since this lack was by choice it didn't hurt. The walls had kept out the hurt. Since the beast called love took down my walls as easily as I destroy the towers of sugar cubes I build, I was left wide open and vulnerable. Light had been there to help me cope, though. His warm embrace enveloping me drove away the fear, the sadness, the loneliness and the pain, and I could adapt to living without those thick, reassuring walls.

Once we captured Higuchi and the old look returned to Light's handsome features, he became more distant. I can tell he still has feelings for me – his eyes, opaque as they are, still gleam when they meet my gaze. But he has withdrawn for some reason. His touches aren't as gentle and loving, nor as frequent, as they were before.

This fact added onto the turmoil of realizing that the one whom I swore to send to justice was one in the same with the one who has captivated me, completing me as I never realized anyone could, only makes it worse.

This past week has been like a flashback of the day leading up to Light and I finding each other, except that it is infinitely worse. Then, I hadn't an earthly clue what I was being denied. But now, I've tasted this sweet love. The beast has showed me its softer side, showed me just how wonderful love really is. And now, the realization has come crashing down on me that this euphoric experience is to be cut short, and it must be done by my hand.

It cannot be done by anyone but me, in fact. It is too late to deny it, and even if that option was open I don't know if I would be able to turn a blind eye. So, since it has to be done one way or another, I must shoulder this painful task. Even if something has driven a wedge between us, Light is still mine and I owe it to him. Backing out now and letting one of the others take over would not only be cowardice of the highest degree, but it would be unfair to Light. I'm the one who has put him in this position, so it's only right that I follow through.

Light and I crawl into bed, both of us silent. I adopt my usual pose, taking sparse comfort from the familiar way my body folds up, placing my knees between the world and my aching heart. My thumb is pressed against my lower lip as I gaze blankly at the sheets, my mind wandering aimlessly as I try to keep from dwelling on the pain that has haunted me.

"L Lawliet." Light's voice as he says my name has no inflection whatsoever; just a bland drawl as if he was addressing me by the alias the others use.

I stiffen, the hair on the nape of my neck lifting. Shock completely paralyzes my body, until a flood of fear, apprehension, and no little bewilderment soon breaks its grip. I slowly turn my head to look at Light, my dark eyes wide. "H-how…?"

Lamplight catches his eyes, causing them to flash eerily. His gaze is pinned on me; so intense that I feel as if he is looking right into my soul. He might well be, if he discovered my name. "You remember Higuchi mentioning the eye trade?" Light says, his voice soft.

I nod mutely, trapped by Light's penetrating stare.

"You trade half your lifespan for a shinigami's ability to see a person's name and lifespan by looking at their face. Only ones who own a notebook can make this trade." He explains in the same tone, like the soft warning hiss of a venomous serpent.

I look over at Rem, who is standing in the corner like always. She nods, affirming Light's statement. "So, you have enough information to kill me, providing you have the notebook and something to write with," I say slowly, forcing myself to speak.

"I only need a piece, really. It's how I killed Higuchi and got ownership of the notebook transferred back to me." He says, picking up his watch from the bedside table. I see him pull back one of the knobs four times, and blink in surprise as part slides out and a scrap of paper is revealed, the name Kyosuke Higuchi scratched onto it in what I can only assume is blood.

I take a shaky breath, folding my hands across my knees and pressing them down to keep them from trembling. "All right, so why are you showing me this?"

Light pulls the scrap of death note from the mechanism, wadding it up and tossing it haphazardly away. "Why the hell not, I figure. I'm going to die soon anyway, if not from a lethal injection then from Ryuk or my life naturally coming to an end."

I don't bother asking why he mentioned the shinigami who was attached to Misa's notebook, still staring at him blankly as my mind tries to assimilate what just happened.

Light looks into my blank face, blinking once with an opaque expression before he puts his watch back on the table, turning over to switch the light off. The rustling of sheets falls on deaf ears; I remain unmoving long after Light's breathing slows and deepens, indicating that he is asleep.

The next day, I decide that we've put up with the torture for long enough. This has to end, for Light's sake and for mine. This case has been more of a drain on me than any other has, and though I know its conclusion will be painful the final curtain needs to fall.

I gain the attention of the rest of the task force, my arms wrapping around my shins for comfort as I begin. "I think that by now we've waited long enough. It's been over a week with no activity."

Soichiro's expression is stony, and I can clearly see the pang of guilt and resignation, among other similar emotions, dancing in his eyes. I feel rather sorry for him; seeing the very strong evidence right in front of his eyes, having drawn his own conclusion, that his son is a mass-murderer must be very difficult. The others look uncomfortable, but not nearly to the former police chief's extent. Even so, they are forced to agree.

Attached to me slouching in another swivel-chair, I can feel Light's gaze on my hunched form. He has one elbow propped on the arm of the chair and has his chin cupped in his hand, a screen of auburn bangs shading his face. His angry glare makes the hair on the nape of my neck stand upright. Kira, my enemy since the very beginning and one of the few people who knows my real name, is glaring daggers at me. It's a very uncomfortable sensation, made more so by the fact that Kira is glaring at me through the eyes of my lover.

"I wish I didn't have to do this," I continue morosely, my fingers digging into my shins as I hunch further over, "but since the evidence points conclusively to him, we must arrest and try Light Yagami as Kira. After this the case will be closed. I thank you all for sticking with me through the investigation, and I apologize to everyone for all the inconveniences." Inconveniences my arse. This case has been stressful for everyone, some more than others.

Soichiro turns to Light, and even before he begins speaking I know what he will say. "Light, what do you have to say about this? You've been very quiet,"

"And glaring at me," I put in softly, still trying not to cringe from the look Light has had pinned on me.

Light exhales heavily, straightening up in his chair. He tilts his head back in a rather arrogant manner, his calculating gaze sweeping the room. Each of the investigators is frozen in place by this intimidating stare. Who wouldn't, when Kira is giving you the glare of death? "Really, I'm rather disappointed. It seems that I really overestimated all of you." His lip curled in a sneer. "Pathetic. Though I can't really say I'm surprised. None of you bright sparks has any creativity or initiative. The only reason Kira has come as far as he has is because of all the hard work I've put into it, and was there anyone to give me a proper challenge?" He turns his scathing glare back to me. "This fool came close, just close enough that a shot in the dark saved his sorry ass from cardiac arrest."

The looks on the others' faces ranges from fear to fascination, and in Soichiro's case utter desperation. "Why thank you, Light. That's as close to a blunt confession as I think we'll get from you." I say mildly, though my bland voice belies the turmoil within. The insults in his semi-monologue I simply shrug off, but the thinly-veiled threat at the end nearly made me shudder. And coming from the lips that I once kissed, his words are like needles piercing what I once believed had turned to dust.

Abruptly, Light stiffens. I turn my head to fully face him, my eyes widening in surprise. His face contorts as a strangles gurgle escapes his lips. My mind immediately registers what's happening even before his body suddenly goes limp and he slips from the chair.

I lurch from my chair, almost falling out of it in my haste to reach Light's side. My fingers go to the right side of his throat just below the jaw; his pulse is weak and erratic, until it finally gives out. A twitch or two and Light's body stills for good, his eyes rolled back eerily in his head.

A small noise forces its way from my throat. My hands tremble as I reach out to close Light's eyelids, biting my lip to keep from crying out. A muffled thump just barely registers, though I have enough presence of mind to back up as Soichiro collapses onto his knees, scrabbling forward to reach his son.

"No, no no no, no!" His strained voice, cracked and ragged, is muted to my ears. I am barely aware of anything else around me, besides the dim realization that everyone else is panicking. I don't even bother to tell them that they have nothing to fear. Don't ask why I know this, but some gut feeling tells me that whoever did this isn't going to attack any of the rest of us.

By now, my mind is void of coherent, articulate thought. I am only aware of the sobs clawing at my chest, fighting to escape my constricted throat. I clench my teeth until they hurt, my eyes shut as tightly as possible as I fight back the sobs that threaten to shake my body to pieces. I am already trembling in the effort to keep silent, my fingers digging painfully into my legs which are hugged tight to my chest. The world around me fades away and the universe narrows, pressing in all around me before its bottom falls out and it collapses around me. The pain I felt before is nothing compared to this, the loss of my Light.

Granted I was sending him off to the same fate, but this caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it, and I had no way to control it. Not to mention, a heart attack is one of the more uncomfortable ways to die. Doubtless I would have experienced something like this no matter how he died, but if it was by execution it would've been more peaceful, and I would've been able to at least try to shield myself.

Soon I am forced to breathe; my ragged breath as I exhale is accompanied by the edge of a sob that almost slipped through. I long to let them go, to release my grief, but this isn't the time or place to do so. And I'm not sure if I'd let myself give full vent to my sorrow.

"What did you do?!" I hear Soichiro hiss, and the edge of my brain that's paying attention identifies Rem as the one at which the demand was aimed.

'I didn't do anything,' She says, spreading her arms to display the obvious lack of a death note or writing utensil.

"Then who did this?!" Soichiro's voice is approaching the level of hysteria that warns of what he might resort to doing.

'Not a human, I don't think.' Rem says warily.

A few of the others step toward Soichiro, and once I see that he probably won't be able to do anything my mind retreats back into its little collapsed universe. Or rather, it is pulled back by the snarling creature that used to reside there and is unhappy about the sudden destruction.

For several months after that, long after the others drift off back to their normal lives, I am like a living cadaver. The lights are on, dimly, but no one is home. My dark eyes, when I gaze in the mirror, lack even the dull luster they once contained; now they look completely lifeless. My eyes match my emotional state, I guess. I had thought, just before it happened, that I was hollow. That's the story of my life now: I think I've hit rock bottom, but it turns out there's a whole new low waiting to take me into its yawning maw.

My lifeless eyes peer back at me from the mirror, and I stare blankly into them. Lifeless I look, and lifeless I feel. What life is there to live anymore? The one person who came close to my level intellectually, even surpassed me; my greatest enemy and my closest friend; the biggest pain in my life and the one who made that life worth living; the one who in so short a time captured my heart and caged it, claiming it for himself forever, is gone. Gone, never to return.

I can't articulate what I feel, because there is nothing. A void, the utter lack of any emotion. The pain is gone, and in its place emptiness. It hadn't been all that empty before, since I had the walls up to take up that space. My walls have been gone since they were first broken, and yet the utter vacuum I am now is so much emptier than the one I created for myself. Stretching on forever in every direction, open to the world, and nothing is there.

This beast called love is a cruel creature. Its bitter pill is coated with an unbelievably sweet cover, and its embrace is misleading. Once the coating is gone, you realize the magnitude of your mistake, but it's far too late. And still this beast prowls the void, its growls lost in the endless vacuum. Occasionally it will lead a flicker of its favorite accomplice, pain, into the void to remind me of its presence. But the void eagerly pulls the pain into its endless tracts, and I return to the bleak gray.

Thinking about all the love stories in the world, I wonder how the authors managed to write such tales. The beast called love is such a devious monster, how can they speak about it as if it was something desirable? Though, the sweet euphoria that I experienced during that brief shining time, I think anyone would be motivated to try and recapture that in writing. But it just wouldn't be the same; a shallow reproduction that only serves to remind of what was lost, pulling up the memory from its vault and dangling it tauntingly before your nose.

My mind wanders back down the path well-worn of late; I trace my memories back to the day it first started, and watch those days like one would an old historical documentary. When I get to that first night when Light was truly all mine, the beast called love hisses loudly, setting up an unholy ruckus in the empty corridors of my being. The commotion stirs up the dust and summons the little flickering shadows of pain from the void; they cluster around the beast like tiny demons, nipping away at my shattered soul. Tears roll unchecked from the corners of my eyes, down my pale cheeks and they fall into space. The tears splash on the nearest horizontal surface, broken into a million glittering pieces much like my heart did that day.

I try to stop the documentary before it gets to the final moments; I can't bring myself to watch it again. They are burned into my memory, crystal clear and much sharper than the other memories, I try to keep them buried. They flash unbidden before my mind's eye no matter what I do, unstoppable once I conjure up the reel of memories. As I relive the final moments, seeing his eyes roll back in his head and hearing his final rattling breath, it becomes too much. I crouch down and hug my knees to my chest, biting my lip until it bleeds as the beast pushes all its weight against my diaphragm. More salty tears leak from the corners of my eyes, leaving dark trails down my face before they drip from my chin and nose.

How? Why? Who? Only these thoughts bumble through my mind, reeling and staggering like drunkards through the empty avenues. They will never be answered, just as this gaping hole in my soul, in my very being, will never be repaired.

So what did happen?

Unseen by the investigators, Ryuk stepped into the room through one wall. Rem noticed him and blinked in confusion, wondering what he was doing there. Seeing her confusion, Ryuk's fixed grin widened as he chuckled.

'Hyuk hyuk, wondering why I'm here?'He said, glancing over at Light. The young man was too preoccupied ranting to notice the extra looming figure in the shadowed corner.

'You probably noticed that Light's lifepspan is almost gone.' The other shinigami began, pointing at the numbers that both of them could see floating above the auburn head of hair. 'And I told him that I'd be the one to kill him.'

'That was when you were the one possessing him,' Rem said, keeping her voice quiet so as not to draw the humans' attention.

'So? That brat made me stoop to some pretty pathetic things.' Ryuk said, remembering several occasions like when he searched Light's whole room for the cameras. 'And since it looks like you're too much of a coward to carry out the threat of killing him if something happened to Misa,' Ryuk continued with a mocking chuckle, 'it falls to me. Besides, killing a self-styled god is something to brag about, even if he's only a human.'

Yay tragic ending. I feel really sorry for L, but fluff doesn't come naturally to yours truly. A lot of L's reaction at the very end is sort of autobiographical, since the other day we had to put my dog down who was almost as old as I am, so this was also a way to vent.

Hope you enjoyed, and don't expect too much more of the multiple-chaptered stuff from me.