You voted and here are the results.
Best Author... WhensunshinewiltsIdanceinrain for the story dubbed "The Exorcist"
Funniest Story... dubbed "The Boy Who Is Scared Of Being Kissed... Or Is He?" by fred2008
I Can't Believe Someone Other Than Mel Brooks Actually Thinks That Way... story dubbed "The Boy Who Is Scared Of Being Kissed... Or Is He?" by fred2008
Now, I give you the epilogue of "100 Ways". Don't worry though, #1 will be back again in another story.
Harry paced back-and-forth in front of Voldemort. There was a circle of Death Eaters and Order Members surrounding them, none of whom dared interfere in the Battle of Wits.
"You are nothing but a freak! Even your family thought so!" Voldemort screamed at the boy-who-lived.
Harry smirked. "One of your Death Eaters adopted you so you could finally know 'a mother's love'! And the Death Eater was a man!"
Voldemort lost what little color he had in his face. "Who told you that?" he hissed in parseltongue.
Harry's smirk became a grin. "There was a…shall we say…bug…in your operation. And this…bug…happened to record everything that's happened to you for the past two years. Funnily enough, I nearly died of laughter before getting here. I had loads of fun watching your…humiliation."
"Yes, well…" Voldemort paused, "you're a potty head!"
"Oh Merlin! You had Malfoy write your insults for you!" Harry screamed still grinning. "Your Death Eaters were so worried about you that they gave you the suicide hotline number, sent you to a clinic to get you help for anorexia, and then sent you to a Weight Watchers meeting! They also thought that you had PMS!"
The confrontation continued like this for several hours, and then…
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort screamed, but the curse went wide and hit Malfoy senior instead.
"Expelliarmus!" a Death Eater yelled, disarming his master.
He entered the circle with Potter. "Wait one moment before you kill the bastard, Potter. I have something to say to him."
He removed his white mask, revealing a handsome face framed by longish dark hair, and gorgeous blue eyes.
"#1?" Voldemort asked. "B-but why? You were supposed to be my most loyal Death Eater."
"I'd like to re-introduce myself to you Voldemort. I am not Death Eater #1," #1 sneered. "I am Unspeakable #1. It was I who destroyed your locket Horcrux. It was I who paid Rita Skeeter to enter your Headquarters in her animagus form to videotape all of this for posterity. It was I who has been slowly eroding your self-esteem, your support system, and I've been spitting in your tea!"
#1 backed up and screamed, "NOW HARRY!"
"AMORE AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry screamed loudly, in other words: 'Love, let the thing be destroyed'. A white light burst out of his wand, and took the shapes of his parents, Sirius, and Cedric. All four figures ran to Voldemort and dove into his body.
Voldemort screamed loudly and collapsed, twitching. And then all was silent.
"Incendio!" Harry cast, pointing his wand at the body. In seconds, nothing remained but ashes.
The Death Eaters were all immediately arrested, and #1 walked calmly up to Kingsley Shaklebolt and handed him his wand, and a gallon jug filled with silvery memories.
"Arrest me, so I can finally get my trial and be free," #1 said.
- - -
The members of the Wizengamot stumbled as they fell out of the Pensieve.
Madam Bones was red faced, struggling to contain her laughter.
Minister Sykes was green faced, and looked as though he was about to become ill.
Kingsley Shaklebolt was laughing hysterically.
Madam Longbottom was gobsmacked.
- - -
#1 smirked.
As far as Voldemort had known, #1 was the most loyal Death Eater. Bringing him down had been SO MUCH FUN!
#1 walked calmly into the courtroom to hear the verdict.
"Unspeakable #1, after reviewing the memories that you," Alexander Sykes, Minister of Magic and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, cleared his throat, "so graciously offered us, and after hearing Veritaserum induced testimony from known Death Eaters; it is my dubious privilege to announce that we, the Members of the Wizengamot, find you Innocent. I pray that we always remain in your good graces, because after that…May Merlin have mercy on your enemies. By the way… What house were you in at Hogwarts? I have a bet going."
#1 smiled. "I was in Hufflepuff… Thank you, noble Members of the Wizengamot."
It was the best day of #1's life…and during the years of sabotaging Voldemort, there had been some damn good days.
As #1 left the court room, a hood lifted to obscure his face. "Thank Merlin for glamour charms," the shadowy figure said smirking as the magic faded.
- - -
That evening Minister Sykes wrote something down in the Minister's Private Journal which was passed on from one Minister of Magic to the next. The first Minister of Magic began the tradition.
Today I have come to the conclusion that there is a certain group of people in our world that we would do well to not antagonize. See the gallon jug of memories hidden in Merlin's office in the Department of Mysteries for the basis of this conclusion.
This is the decision as voted on by the Wizengamot on this fourteenth day of July in the year nineteen hundred ninety nine…
Never piss off a 'Puff.
Signed,
Minister of Magic
Alexander Sykes
- - -
"Mr. Potter," a cloaked figure said.
"Yeeeeesss?" Harry asked, arching a brow in question.
The figure motioned down the street. "Come. Take a walk with me."
"Who are you?" Harry asked pointing his wand at the person.
The figure pushed back the hood just enough for Harry to see his face.
"#1?"
"At your service," the cloaked being said.
"So what's up?" Harry asked as the two walked down the road.
#1 smiled, not that anyone could tell. "The Department of Mysteries would like to offer you a job," he said.
Harry quirked a brow. "What kind of a job?"
#1 smirked. "The best kind."
"Oh. Do tell."
"We at the Department have recently found a way to move from one timeline to another, taking over the body of our alternate self. If used in conjunction with a time-turner… well…"
Harry grinned. "You want to send me to a younger version of myself in an alternate timeline."
"Yup. Don't worry though; I'll be going with you. Though I must say that I won't look like I do now… this is just an advanced glamour charm," #1 explained. "I can't reveal to you who I am, but I will be guiding you on your mission."
"Which is?" Harry asked.
"Voldemort is going to win in the timeline I refer to as 'The Oops He Did It Again' timeline. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to use your knowledge of this timeline to destroy Voldemort before your seventh year… and to have as much fun doing it as you possibly can," #1 explained.
"I accept."