Title: Monkey Business

Rating: K or K+

Summary: Completely AU crack!fic. During LOTL, a comment made by the Doctor results in the arrival of an unexpected visitor. Loosely based on a dream I had.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or the unexpected visitor.

Author's Note: I had a dream a while ago that I thought may have been connected to a certain event. I have decided to combine the dream and the event in this fic. Those of you who don't follow the cricket may be confused.

Monkey Business

"How are you enjoying yourself, Doctor?" the Master teased as the Doctor looked up at him from his cage.

"I can't believe how low you've stooped," said the Doctor coldly. "You've destroyed everything that everyone on this planet believes in. You've slaughtered millions of people, and left those who are left with nothing left to hope for."

"Why thank you!" exclaimed the Master.

"What's more," said the Doctor, "despite our differences, I always carried respect for you. But you've humiliated me, treated me like dirt and turned me into a shrivelled up little monkey." Suddenly, the sound of a door being slammed opened echoed through the room, accompanied by a loud voice.

"Monkey?" it said. "Did someone say 'monkey'?"

"How did you get in here?" the Master called. "We're 30,000 feet up!"

"Never mind that," replied the voice. Just then, a tall, well-built figure strode into the room. The man had light brown skin, dark dreadlocks and was wearing more zinc cream on his lips than any man should.

"Oh no," said the Master. "Not..."

"That's right," said Andrew Symonds in his strong Australian accent. "Now which one of you mongrels had the guts to say monkey?"

"It was him!" cried the Master, pointing to the Doctor. "He said it!" Symonds walked up to the Doctor's cage and peered down at him.

"Is this true?" he questioned. "Did you make a racist comment about me?"

"No, absolutely not!" insisted the Doctor. "I've always been a great admirer of yours. Your strike rate in Twenty20 cricket is to be envied, and you're by far the best all-rounder the game has ever seen!" A small smile came onto Symonds' face.

"Then why did you say monkey?" he asked.

"I was making a comment about the transformation given to me by that man there," said the Doctor, pointing to the Master. "He made me age 900 years, and I thought my small size somewhat symbolised that of a monkey." Symonds turned to the Master, clenching his fists as he did so. The Master cowered back in fear.

"No, please, it's not what you think..." he began. Suddenly the clock struck, and the peoples of the world began chanting and thinking the word 'Doctor'. The Doctor smiled, feeling the psychic energy building up inside him. He began to grow younger, and felt himself rising out of his cage.

"Nooooooooooooo!" exclaimed the Master.

"You're going to pay for what you did to me," said the Doctor. He extended a hand towards the Master, then brought it back towards himself. The result left the Master stripped of all his clothes. Symonds' eyes widened. He knew exactly what to do...

"Aaaaarghhhhhhhhhh!" cried the Master as he was viciously shoulder-charged by Symonds. He fell to the floor, the amount of pain he felt was overwhelming. The Doctor slowly lowered himself to the ground, then rushed over to join his fellow Time Lord.

"Oh Rassilon..." he breathed.

"Doctor..." said the Master, "I'm dying..."

"No, no you're not," said the Doctor, who gently yet squeamishly held the naked Master in his arms. "Just regenerate."

"I can't," said the Master. "A shoulder-charge from Andrew Symonds is even more deadly than a Dalek's death ray. I'm going to die." Tears ran down the Doctor's face.

"No ... you have to hold on," he said through his tears. The Master looked up at the Doctor, and it was then that the Doctor realised the hopelessness of the situation. When the Master's eyes finally closed, the Doctor cradled him in his arms.

"Are you a poofter or something?" asked Symonds. "What's the big deal?"

"You took away the only person in this universe who I have a connection to," said the Doctor, sniffing. "You killed the only other member of my race!"

"Relax mate, I'll make it up to you," said Symonds. The Doctor shook his head.

"Nothing could make up for this," he said solemnly. "Nothing."

"That was caught behind, you stupid ref!" exclaimed the Doctor.

"Actually Doctor, he's an umpire," corrected Jack.

"Yeah yeah," said the Doctor. "Well Jack, I have to admit – these season tickets were a great gift."

"Yeah," agreed Jack, taking a swig of beer. "But aren't you still upset about the Master?"

"What about Martha?"

"Forget it."

The End

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The dream just contained the Doctor's comment about being a monkey, but since it was around the time of the Andrew Symonds/Harbhajan Singh incident I thought it was more than just coincidence.

If you have no idea who Andrew Symonds is or what he looks like, type his name into Google images. To see pictures of him vaguely resembling a monkey, type "Andrew Symonds Monkey".