Meredith, I do love you. You're the love of my life. He said it. He said those words. These words, which I have been longing for so long to say back to him. This perfect man who loves me. What is wrong with me that I can't just let him? I should just him go. I would let him go, but I do love him. I do. What is wrong with me that I can't just tell him?

Put me out of my misery. He said that to. Can I really blame him? I've dragged him along for long enough. I take a step towards him, just to take two backwards. What is wrong with me that I can't just take two towards him? Or at least stand still. Stand still and let him love me instead of running away.

I can't run away now. I can't run away from this. These two pink lines. I have always felt that it is cruel that those two little pink lines should hold so much power in this world. Power over how a person's life is going to turn out. Two pink lines. I'm pregnant. Four weeks pregnant to be exact. Dammit.

I lean against the bathroom door, letting my body go slack. I close my eyes and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Two pink lines. Dammit. Suddenly, someone knocks on the door. I feel the door vibrate against my back. "What?" I croak. Three hours of vomiting can really kill your voice.

"I have to pee," Alex says from the other side of the door.

"So?" I say. I can't let him in. Because he'll know. If only because the pregnancy test box is still on the counter and I'm still holding the actual test in my hand.

"Let me in," he says.

"No," I say, just because I don't want to get up.

"Meredith," he says.

I pull myself up off the floor and swipe the test box off the counter. I'm just going to throw it into the garbage can when the door swings open and Alex walks in. I spin around, holding the test behind my back. "Alex!" I say.

"I told you I had to pee," Alex says.

"What if I had been naked?"

"You aren't."

"Yeah, but I could've been," I say.

He considers me through narrowed eyes. My stiff posture, hands clamped behind my back, pale face, blood shot eyes. "What's wrong with you?" he finally says.

"Nothing," I say.

"What are you holding behind your back?" he asks taking a step towards me. I take a step back, my back hitting the counter.

"Nothing," I say.

"I know it's something," he says.

"Alex," I say. "I can't…Please just don't…"

He stops at that. His face softens slightly. "Seriously, Mer, what's wrong?"

I suddenly want to cry. I'm so tired and I miss him so much. I miss his arms and his smell and his lips. To my dismay, I feel tears well up in my eyes. "It's…nothing," I say, my voice cracking.

"Meredith," he says, more gently than I've ever heard him say anything.

"I'm pregnant." I close my eyes and a tear slips down my cheek. I let my arms go slack and place the test on the counter, not looking at Alex. I feel his eyes shift from my face to the test. Two pink lines.

"Oh," he says.

I look at him. There is pity in his eyes and that makes me feel even worse. "Yeah," I say.

"Derek?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah," I whisper.

"Are you okay?" he asks. I shake my head slightly.

"I think we broke up," I say. God, what is with me? Since when do I share my deepest secrets with Alex?

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Yeah," I reply. "Me too."

We are both silent for a moment and then I move towards the door. I pause in the doorway and turn back to him. "Just don't tell anyone," I say.

"I won't," he says with a slight nod.

"Okay," I say.

"I'm here you know," he says suddenly. "If you need anything."

I nod. "Okay."

xxx

I walk into the hospital and go straight to the resident locker room. Christina is already there and I walk over to her. "This is the day," she says. "This is the day when we get our own interns. Our own suck ups. Our own nobodies to rule."

I only nod. I'm exhausted. I woke up three hours early with morning sickness and wasn't able to go back to sleep. "You okay?" Christina asks.

I look up at her. "Yeah," I say. "Fine."

She looks at me for a moment longer as if deciding whether or not to believe me. But just then, Callie walks into the room. "Did you hear she got chief resident over Bailey?"

I stand up. "Really?" I say. Christina nods and raises her eyebrows. Callie glances at a clipboard before looking back up at us. "Okay, so right now all you have to do is greet your interns. Give them a tour, tell them what's what, how we run things around here."

Already everyone is moving and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I don't want my own suck ups. I don't want to rule over anybody.

xxx

Interns. My interns. I see them huddled by a nurse's station. Looking a combination of horrified and eager. God, did I ever look like that? I approach them. Let's just get this over with, I think to myself.

"Hi, I'm doctor Grey. I'm your resident."

xxx

At lunchtime, I retreat to the cafeteria happy to be away from my interns. I spot Alex, Christina and George sitting at a table and make my way over to them. I sit down next to Christina. She glances up at me. "You look horrible," she says.

"Thanks," I reply. I pick up my sandwich, but can't bring myself to take a bite as a wave of nausea hits me. I put it back down with a grimace and take a drink of water.

"You sick?" George asks.

"Just…the flu," I say, glancing at Alex.

"So," Christina says, leaning back in her chair. "I think I'm the new Nazi."

"You are so not the new Nazi," Alex replies.

"Oh shut up," Christina says. She glances over at me again and I know I look horrible. "Seriously, what's wrong with you?" Christina asks me.

"It's nothing, okay?" I reply, suddenly annoyed at her. "I'm fine. What about you? You're the one who got left at the alter."

"I'm fine," Christina says. "I'm dealing."

"Exactly," I say. "Me too."

We sit in silence for a while and I am suddenly overcome with sadness. I miss him so much. I need him so badly. What is wrong with me?

xxx

I don't see him all day. I long for and wish for him, but it isn't until I'm walking out the door to go home that he calls out to me. "Meredith." Meredith. I freeze. It's one thing to miss him, it's another to actually see him. I can't run away. I can't. Two pink lines. I'm caught between those two damned pink lines. I should tell him. I have to tell him. He deserves at least that.

I turn and look at him. "Meredith," he says again. And I walk towards him. He smiles slightly as he gazes down at me, before reaching for my hand. I close my eyes for a moment as I feel his fingers graze mine, before grasping them firmly. "We need to talk," he says.

I open my eyes. "Yeah," I manage. "We do."

Together we walk to a nearby on call room. He closes the door behind us and releases my hand. I suddenly wish that he hadn't. I walk over to the table on one side of the room, leaning against it. He leans back on one of the bedposts and bows his head.

I stare down at my feet not knowing what to say, wishing I knew what to say. "I, um…" But the words are lost. Suddenly, he lifts his head and looks at me. "You're not ready for this," he says.

I am, I am! I want to scream. But I don't. I can't. "No," I say instead.

"I asked for too much," he says softly.

"I think so," I hear myself say as I stare helplessly at the floor. I hear him as he pushes off from the bedpost and walks over to me. I look up into his eyes and I almost tell him. Almost. I'm pregnant. And I love you.

"So this is it?" he asks softly.

"Yeah," I say dumbly.

"We're breaking up," he says. I look up at him finally and he leans towards me ever so slightly.

"We're breaking up," I say. I love you. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. His gaze shifts from my eyes to my lips and back again. God, why is he looking at me like that? I can't think when he looks at me like that.

"We're broken up," he says.

"It's done," I say, because what else can I say? He leans towards me again and I can feel my body begin to respond. He hasn't even touched me and already I can feel desire curling within me. I want to feel his hands on me, I want to feel his lips against mine. I know I should walk away. I know I should, but I can't. I'm only human, and I love him so much.

I turn away for a second, but when I turn my face towards him again, he moves closer to me. I part my lips slightly in anticipation and tilt my heads towards him as he lowers his lips to mine. His lips are warm, his kisses lingering and I feel myself press my body against his instinctively. He sweeps his tongue across my lips and I part my lips slightly, allowing him access.

After a while, he pulls back and brushes the hair out of my face. "Break up kiss," he says softly. I close my eyes and move closer to him. "Break up kiss," I say.

He kisses me again and this time there is an urgency to it. I moan softly in the back of my throat and move my hands to his chest, clinging to him, his kisses leaving me breathless and aching for his touch. I gently push his coat off his shoulders and he breaks the kiss for a moment. " And some break up sex," he says, reaching for the hem of my shirt.

"Yeah, some break up sex," I agree, not caring about anything. I reach for the edge of his shirt, breaking the kiss for a moment to lift it over his head. I move my hands over his chest, feeling the fine hairs between my fingers, reveling in the sensations darting through my body as he kisses my lips, my cheek, my chin. I am heady with longing as he lifts my shirt over my head and pulls me against him.

I am suddenly overcome with such an intense flood of emotions that I feel my knees buckle beneath me. But he only tightens his grasp around me, pressing his face into my hair and breathing in deeply. I wish I could stay like this together. Just like this. I think of the baby growing inside me and I suddenly can picture myself holding that baby with Derek beside me like he always intended to be. It suddenly all seems possible with his arms wrapped around me and his lips on my neck.

He gently lifts me in his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist and loop my arms around his neck as he carries me over to the bed. He lowers me onto the sheets and lies down beside me. I look into his eyes and run my hands across his chest, desire darting through me.

He leans down and begins to trail kisses across my chest and over my breasts. I groan softly as he runs his tongue over my nipple, feeling it harden under his more than capable touch. He then moves to the other and I close my eyes as pleasure darts through me, straight to my core. I roll on top of him and lower my lips to his. He slips his tongue into me mouth, brushing it across the roof of my mouth. I begin to grind my hips against his, my desire increasing by leaps and bounds. I feel him respond to my movements and he lets out a soft moan, holding my hips and moving against me. He reaches for the snap on my jeans and I pull back slightly, slipping them down off my hips and tossing them on the floor.

I then reach for the drawstring on his scrub pants and undo the knot. He lifts his hips and I pull them off quickly adding them to the small pile of clothes on the floor. He moves his hand along my stomach, to the edge of my panties. He curls his finger around the edge and pulls them down. I struggle not to thrust into his fingers as he moves them over my clit, eliciting moans of pleasure from me. He takes me in his arms again and I reach down, slowly guiding him into me. I let out a low moan as he enters me, thrusting gently.

I spread my legs, my need to feel him inside me overwhelming and he begins to thrust into me slowly. I let the pleasure wash over me, trying to forget those two pink lines, trying to forget that we just broke up, trying to forget how much I love him. But I can't. I feel his love in every touch and am only reminded of my own love. I want to tell him. I don't want to lose him. I don't. I can't breathe without him.

He begins to speed up his pace and I moan softly, pulling his hips towards me with each thrust, trying to pull him deeper. He captures my lips in a kiss as he moves within me, loving me in a way that only he knows how. I feel the pressure rising within me and I close my eyes as the pleasure washes over me. He continues to thrust into me, before climaxing with a moan of satisfaction.

He doesn't move for a while, only looks into my eyes, still inside me. I don't want him to move. I don't want to be anywhere without him. But eventually, he does pull away, lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms. I let him. I just want to feel him around me. Protecting me. Loving me.

We don't say anything and after a while he falls asleep, his arms still around me. I reach up and run my finger along his jaw line, feeling the familiar stubble beneath my touch. "I love you," I whisper, before falling asleep.