Secret Weapons

It took Jen nearly forty five minutes to locate Dr. Nguyen in the bottom floor of one of the biology labs. She'd had to do it the old fashioned way, cautiously asking around, in order to avoid any suspicion. She could have asked the control room to find him using the city wide sensors, but didn't want to give away his location, since he was currently the only person she could think of who had a Gumby.

After promising him she'd willingly volunteer the next time he had an off-world plant gathering expedition, he handed over the small green keychain fob.

She'd ducked behind a column right before Kavanagh rushed past, demanding to see Dr. Nguyen.

"Sucker." She muttered to herself before making a run for the nearest transporter.

By the time she arrived back at Rodney's lab, Evan had returned with a sealed jar of glowing seawater, and Zelenka managed to scoop a concert ticket from one of his lab assistants.

"Where's Rodney?" She asked, dropping the small plastic Gumby onto the counter.

"He said something about a secret weapon." Zelenka shrugged.

"Other than the stunner?" Evan raised an eyebrow.

"We only have three items left." Jen scanned the list. "Something from Pegasus, a pie, and the socks."

Voices from the hallway turned them all towards the doorway. Jen glanced quickly between Radek and Evan when Rodney walked in with Teyla.

Everyone called out a greeting as Teyla approached.

"May I present our Pegasus item…" Rodney held his hand out towards the Athosian. "And, our secret weapon."

"Secret weapon?" Jen asked, greeting Teyla with a smile.

"Given the choice between Teyla and Kavanagh, who do you think Sheppard's going to willing part with his socks for?"

"Ah Rodney, you are indeed a genius." Radek grinned and gave McKay a mock bow.

"I know." Rodney raised an eyebrow, glowing from the compliment.

"Rodney has kindly informed me of your competition." Teyla smiled. "I would like to offer my assistance in your plan to… crush?" she looked at Rodney for confirmation on the wording. "Kavanagh?"

"Nice!" Evan laughed.

Teyla nodded. "I must confess, I have never truly liked the man. I would very much enjoy seeing his face when he realizes he has not won this hunt."

Jen couldn't stop herself from grinning. "All right boys and girls. All we need then, is a pie."

Evan checked is watch. "Colonel Sheppard's team is due to return in thirty minutes. We have just under an hour until the competition closes so we'll be cutting it kind of tight. Why don't you guys get the pie, and wait for us in the mess hall. Teyla and I will snag us a pair of socks."

Lemon Meringue

Tightly gripping a coconut cream pie, Jen stood between Radek and Rodney in the crowded mess hall, anxiously watching the crowd. There certainly were a lot of people crammed into the space! Groups stood bunched together, protecting various sized bags and boxes containing their bounty.

After twenty minutes of casually trying to overhear the other groups as they talked about their items, they'd deduced that only two groups had every item save for one. Their group, and Kavanagh's.

Let the taunting begin.

Kavanagh's group, relaxed and confident, stared openly at Jen, Radek and Rodney while they whispered behind the backs of their hands. A few louder insults were thrown, which Radek happily answered in Czech.

Jen was pretty sure he was swearing, too.

"They're up to something." Radek nodded furiously.

"But what?" Jen whispered, eyeing the large group warily. "They need John's socks, too, and he's not back yet."

"They could be cheating." Radek raised an eyebrow.

"How could they cheat?" Jen pursed her lips. "Colonel Sheppard's socks is a very specific item. It has to be one's he's wearing, which pretty much says he has to be here in order for the team to win."

"But what if he's not?" Radek frowned.

"Not what?" Jen asked.

"Not here."

"Who's not here?" Rodney shrugged and looked around.

"Colonel Sheppard." Radek nodded.

"No," Rodney gave Radek a boy-you're-stupid stare. "Sheppard's on M35-251."

"Yes, yes, Rodney." Radek shook his head. "I know that. What I'm saying is, Kavanagh looks too cocky. He is not exactly known for playing nicely with others."

"I can't believe he's still here." Rodney made a disgusted sound and shook his head. "You'd think the laws of nature would have rid us of him by now but no… we lose the important ones and the idiots still live to mock us."

"Rodney!" Jen admonished.

"What?" He turned towards her. "All I'm saying is-"

"Yes, I know what you're saying." She shook her head. "It's still not nice to wish someone dead."

"Hey, you're the one who said you'd rather eat… worms was it? Than see Kavanagh win?"

She shrugged and tried to hide her smile. "I did say that, didn't I."

Radek nodded. "You did."

"Well I hope you like worms, then." Kavanagh said, his snarky undertones making Jen frown. She turned around.

"Kavanagh."

"Keller."

Rodney and Radek flanked her.

"You don't honestly think you have a chance in hell of winning, do you?" Rodney crossed his arms over his chest.

Kavanagh grinned. "Oh, yes. I do, actually. I've already packed for the trip."

"In theory," Radek added, pushing his glasses up his nose. "We are tied. Neither team may actually win."

"Oh we're going to win." Kavanagh nodded.

"Nice try. You need Sheppard's socks the same as we do." Rodney leaned forward.

Kavanagh turned back towards his group a wide, knowing smile cracking his face. "What makes you think we don't already have them?" He said to the obvious enjoyment of his group.

"Oh, dear." Zelenka muttered turning around. "You don't think he got them before Sheppard left, do you?"

"Oh thank you Mr. Optimist." Rodney rolled his eyes.

"I'm just saying…"

"Yes, yes I know what you're saying."

Jen shook her head, eyes narrowed. "There's no way he could have known it was on the list. The Colonel left before the announcement was made. He's just trying to get us to fold. And besides, that would be cheating." Jen frowned and shifted the coconut cream pie from one hand to the other as she leaned towards Kavanagh. "You can't cheat."

Kavanagh just grinned.

Dr. Mitchell stepped up from behind Kavanagh, her face pinched with a frown as she gripped the white topped pie she held. "Are you calling us cheaters?"

"No, no." Jen stammered, stepping back "I'm just saying you're bluffing. You have just as many items as we do."

"So you think." Kavanagh raised his eyebrow. "In ten minutes, when they're announcing our flight plan to a tropical destination, you'll have your answer."

"The only way you could have everything is if you cheated." Radek crossed his arms and stepped up beside Jen.

"There you go accusing us of cheating, again." Dr. Mitchell narrowed her eyes and stepped in front of Radek, her skinny, six foot frame towering over the shorter scientist.

"I said nothing of the sort." Radek puffed out his chest and tried his best to look intimidating.

"Yes, you did." Mitchell quickly moved the pie from one hand to the other effectively swinging it inches in front of Rodney's nose.

Rodney blanched and stepped sideways. "Is that a… ah… lemon, meringue pie?" He squeaked at Mitchell, gripping Jen's arm so tightly she bobbled the pie she was holding. The duffel bag slid off his shoulder and banged into Jen's arm, upsetting the pie.

Radek scrambled to grab for it at the same time as Jen reached for the other edge and their hands collided against the side of the pie tin. The pie flipped straight up, then out, knocked higher when Jen dove for it, her fingers just scraping the edges as the cream topping slapped with a muffled, wet slop against the front of Mitchell's shirt.

"Oh my God." Jen stepped forward, attempting to scoop the pie parts back into the now empty pie tie. "I'm so sorry!"

"You did that on purpose." Mitchell looked shocked, shaking her arm and flinging pieces of pie off onto Jen.

"No, no! It was an accident." Jen stammered. She moved to step back but her feet slipped in the pie guts littering the floor. Without thought, her arms pin wheeled as she fought to regain her footing and in the process, she flung the half loaded pie-tin to her left where it landed in the middle of one of the tables splattering the occupants with remnants of coconut cream mush.

Squeals of shock echoed through the mess hall.

Mitchell cursed and flicked pie off her fingers into Jen's face. With the other hand she angled back and held the lemon meringue pie above her shoulder. "Oh you're going to pay for that!"

"Lemon!" Rodney squealed, yanking Radek in front of him like a shield.

Jen spun and shoved Rodney away, knocking him into one of the tables where the back of his head landed with a wet slopping mush directly into a blueberry pie. His body sent drinks and food scattering as he scrambled to get out of the way of the impending lemon projectile.

Jen's shoulders hunched as the cold wet slime of Mitchell's pie splattered against the side of her head, temporarily blinding her with the spray of meringue. She spun, slipped, and latched onto Radek, accidentally yanking him down with her, watching in dismay as Zelenka's feet kicked out and took down both Mitchell and Kavanagh.

To her left someone yelled food fight - to her right, someone else screamed wraith stunner, and from there, it all went to hell.

And the winner is…

John wasn't the kind of guy to be caught staring at something with his mouth hanging open, but at this exact moment, he most certainly was staring.

He snapped his jaw closed and glanced at Ronon, who, for a guy known specifically for his stoic appearance, was looking pretty damn surprised himself.

If the welcoming committee they'd received the minute they'd stepped through the gate wasn't the first indication something was off – the repeated calls for security to high-tail it to the cafeteria sure as hell were.

Jumping out of the way of a group of squealing scientists who were escaping the cafeteria, John stepped inside and took in the war zone that was once the mess hall.

Those who weren't madly scrambling for the exit were either participating in, or hiding from, one hell of a food fight, and for some reason, the main projectile seemed to be full sized pie's.

In both corners, groups had flipped tables onto their sides and were madly flinging handfuls of food at the oncoming crowds amidst squeals and shrieks. In front of the food counters, the staff were running about, arms waving, trying to command people to stop. Judging by the mass of food being flung at the white robed cooks, they were making themselves too much of an easy target.

But the biggest show was going on in the middle of the room.

Several people were wrestling in the center of the floor, completely covered in pie remnants. It took him a few seconds to distinguish the faces amidst the whipped camouflage. Zelenka and Teyla were half dragging, half shielding McKay as they shoved him behind an overturned table. Lorne was attempting to pull a sputtering Dr. Mitchell off of two other people, and a pair of Marine's were struggling with a scientist over what appeared to be… a wraith stunner?

"What the hell?" he muttered, stepping forward.

A sharp tug on the shoulder strap of his TAC vest and Ronon yanked him to the side moments before something resembling, and smelling suspiciously like apple pie slapped into the wall next to his head.

"Thanks." He muttered.

Ronon grunted.

Since security's presence was having little effect, John did the only thing he could think of.

He fired a round into the ceiling.

Silence.

"What on Earth is going on in here?" Colonel Carter's shocked voice sounded from behind John.

"Don't look at me." John glanced over his shoulder. "We just got here."

"Did you just shoot the ceiling?" Sam asked, staring above John's head.

"Um, no?" John grinned sheepishly and shoved his gun back in the holster.

Head's and bodies appeared above turned over tables. Giggles and snickers echoed through the silent room as people quickly scrambled to escape Samantha Carter's stern gaze.

Teyla and Radek were dragging Rodney quickly forward. His eyes were wide and he was muttering something about lemon meringue.

"Yes, yes, Rodney." Zelenka was muttering. "The pie missed you. You're not going to die."

"But it was lemon! Did you see that? Lemon I tell you! Dr. Mitchell tried to kill me!"

"Perhaps you should visit the infirmary?" Teyla suggested, pushing Rodney gently forward and watching as he and Zelenka disappeared out the doors.

They turned their attention back to the small crowd still gathered in the middle of the room.

Lieutenant Barnes was gripping a wraith stunner in his right hand, and a cowering scientist in his left.

"I'm sorry, Colonel and… um… Colonel." The portly man mumbled, as John and Sam stepped forward. His glasses were falling down his nose under the slippery aid of a large glop of cherry pie. The man's lab coat and half his body were completely plastered in pie remnants. "I didn't mean to stun him. I got hit in the face and… well… it just sort of… well… went off."

John looked down and tried very… very hard not to laugh at the unconscious form lying on the floor. He tried. And failed.

A snicker escaped.

He couldn't help it.

Kavanagh.

Victim of a wraith stunner.

"You know," John said, smirking over his shoulder at Colonel Carter. "This time I'm actually looking forward to reading his report to the IOA."

The Aftermath

"Oh for heaven's sake, would someone please tell the man to put some clothes on!" Rodney rolled his eyes and spun his chair around, trying to block the image of Ronon walking buck naked into the surf.

Gales of laughter erupted behind him and he frowned, staring down at his tablet. The new angle of his chair was directly under a beam of sunlight and he could barely see the screen.

With a sigh of exasperation he turned back towards his team and shook his head.

Ronon and Jennifer were cavorting in the water. "Get a room!" He called out, much to the enjoyment of the others.

John gave him a thumbs up from his sprawled out position in a lawn chair where Teyla was leaning comfortably against his chest. The two of them were laughing at Ronon's inability to understand Earth swimming customs. Radek was running around in the shrubbery somewhere off to Rodney's left, whistling a bizarre cacophony of useless bird calls in an attempt to photograph the native feathery population.

Evan, switching songs on the portable MP3 player he'd brought along, cranked up the volume at John's urging. Then he fished around in the cooler and yanked out a six pack. Pulling one off the plastic rings he handed it to John, then removed another and held it out to Rodney, wiggling the can suggestively.

Rodney sighed again, set his tablet carefully into the case lying next to his chair, and held out his hands to catch the can of beer.

There was absolutely no way in hell he was going to get a lick of work done.

He sighed again, and took a sip of the cold beer.

Could have been worse, he supposed.

Kavanagh could have won.

-END-