Chapter 8

Chapter 8: War Is a Science

In a secluded cave somewhere secluded, Voldemort and his followers were planning their dastardly deeds.

"I say we just go in there and destroy 'em!" shouted Avery, pounding his fist, which resembled a stunted tree branch so much that it seemed to blend into the table.

"I disagree," oozed Snape, who had just appeared in the spot where, a moment ago, a bat had been flapping its wings. "I think we should take more time to plan."

"You're batty," came a muffled rasp from out of the long, grey, all-concealing cloak that sat stiffly upright in a chair in the corner. "We need to attack as soon as possible."

"Yeah!" Yelled one Death Eater, "I love a good fight!"

"I love a well-planned fight," oozed Snape sullenly.

"I love a good tankard of firewhisky!" slurred a particularly large Death Eater.

"I love being a feeling-less black hole of pure hatred and evil," announced the cloak ominously.

"Children, children!" said Voldy in a way that was neither creepy nor lecherous, "Let's not bicker and argue over how to kill who! Let's just do it the simple way and do exactly as I say."

"So we're going to wait it out?" Snape greased hopefully.

"Exactly," said Voldemort.

"But"—said the cloak.

"No, no, do not protest," Voldy ordered, holding up a hand in a not-at-all-Spice-
Girls-ish signal to stop (right now, thank you very much). "I know some of you may think it's better just to go rushing in there right now; let me explain why my way is the best!" Voldemort stood up, struck a pose complete with jazz hands, and sang:

"War is a science

With rules to be applied

Which Death Eaters appreciate

Forget but then rememberate

Before we go to decimate the other side!"

"Wow," said Bellatrix, leaning extremely far out of her seat in order to have her face disturbingly near Voldemort's, "I never thought of it that way. You're really smart."

Voldy looked flattered.

"Oh, come on!" rasped the cloak, "Anyone can see what she's doing. It's the oldest trick in the book—pretending to be impressed with something you don't give a crap about! I can just see her as a cheerleader, leaning over the hot nerd's desk and pretending she likes him for his brain when they both know what's really going on! It's obvious Lestrange just has a lizard fetish!"

"Oh no you did not!" gasped Bellatrix, standing up and knocking down her chair with her ridonkulously big skirt. "Take it back! Take it back, or I'll torture it out of you!"

"Oh," said the cloak, standing up to reveal its impressive height of approximately three feet, "You wanna go?"

"Yeah!" shouted Bellatrix, "bring it!"

"Girls, girls, girls," said Voldemort, moving to stand between them and putting one hand on each of their shoulders, "I don't want any fights here…unless there's a secret Order member in this cave!"

All the Death Eaters chuckled dutifully, while Snape let out a high-pitched, nervous laugh that rang of bat sonar. Meanwhile, while the cloak had flitted away from Voldemort's touch almost immediately, mumbling, "how did you know I was a girl?", Bellatrix had let Voldy's hand touch her shoulder until it became extremely awkward.

"Er," said Voldy, withdrawing the hand, "Yes. In conclusion…

"War is a science

A breeding ground for brains

So we'll plot ways to slaughter

That foolish Harry Potter

Until the time comes for us to wage our campaign!"

"That's all well and good," rasped the cloak, approaching Voldemort, "but…" the cloak lowered its hood, revealing the heartbreakingly sweet face of Jane Volturi, "Can we go kill people now?"

"Go…kill…people…sure," replied Voldy in a dazed sort of voice.

As the Death Eaters filed out, laughing and shouting, Bellatrix made use of her witch's power to glare actual daggers at the indestructible vampire.

-Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…-

"…so," said Alice, just coming out of one of her super-duper-fantastic FUTUREVISIONS, "in light of that, here's the plan. Fleur, Rosalie?"

Both girls nodded at Alice, avoiding each others' eyes.

"I'm afraid you'll have to work together," Alice informed them. "They'll be sending in five male Death Eaters through the west wing. We'll need you to use your…wits to incapacitate them." Again, they nodded, knowing exactly what the use of "wits" entailed. "One of them is a werewolf, Rose, so be careful…Edward," Alice continued, "I know you want to be all stereotypically overprotective again, but I assure you, Molly Weasley is perfectly capable of guarding Bella sufficiently."

"No," growled Edward automatically.

"Why can't I join the fight?" Bella whined.

"Because," explained Jasper, putting his hand on top of Bella's and sending her a wave of apathy, "you are a small, breakable human with no remarkable talent or skill whatsoever."

"Exactly," said Bella, shaking off Jasper's hand, "I'm expendable. Surely if I stood in the middle of the hall, cutting myself with a sharp wand while doing a chicken dance and singing "Tomorrow," I'd be able to distract both Jane and Voldemort long enough for you guys to win it and live on!"

Alice blinked. "Alright, Edward, you can guard her. There're only so many people one single vampire can dazzle, anyway."

Edward brusquely nodded his thanks. "Emmett," said Alice, "you'll be Dumbledore's personal bodyguard—he may be the most powerful wizard who ever lived, but brute strength is the one thing he doesn't have, and he may need it now. Be careful—the Death Eaters have been told to go straight for him, so you'll be heavily targeted. Voldemort has a fleet of lackeys on brooms, waiting for Dumbledore to die so they can get in from the roof. We'll have a group of Hogwarts teachers stationed on towers and battlements, but that's only a precaution. You're the real protection there, so…no pressure." Alice cringed at the clicheness of her previous sentence.

Emmett grinned and ran, vampire-speed, to the head of the table, where Dumbledore stood. He put his arm around the wizard's shoulders and said, "Don't worry, buddy. You're safe with me."

"Riiight," said Alice, "Harry. I"—

"I WONT TO FIGHT!" announced Harry, standing up and waving his arms effectively, if a bit nonsensically.

"Ahem," came Alice's small but authoritative voice. Harry sat down. "You will be fighting," she assured him, "but you'll have to focus. Since it's your destiny, you'll be on strict Voldemort-elimination duty."

Harry blinked. "It's my destiny?"

"Of course, silly-head! You know, neither can live while the other survives…" Alice was reminded by Harry's blank expression that he was still in fourth year and hadn't heard the prophecy yet. "Oops," she said, in a voice that would have been accompanied by a blush if she were still human, "me and my big mouth! The point is, I want you to put on your invisibility cloak and wait in the corner until you have a clear shot at Voldemort."

"BUT THAT'S COWARDLY!" Harry exclaimed, standing up on the table, "THAT'S NOT THE GRYFFINDOR WAY!"

"But it's the right way to do what's required here," Jasper assured him, voice dripping with self-righteous assurance.

"You're right," Harry announced, putting his hands on his hips and looking nobly upward, "It will be an unprecedented act of heroism! I shall win the day! Harry Potter (and friends) save the Wizarding world! Again! Jolly good!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "And as for the rest of us…we stay in here, where the majority of the Death Eaters' attack will be focused, and we fight!"

"HOORAY!" yelled the other fighters at the table.

Just then, a straggle of first years marched discordantly in, led by Dennis and the Hufflepuff named Charlotte.

"We want to fight, too!" announced Dennis, whose mind, like the other first years', had been wiped upon the adjournment of their meeting with Jane. "We may be little, but we can kick Death Eater--butt!"

"Dennis," said Alice, noting how the child's posture straightened at the vampire's use of his name, "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. What do you know about Jane Volturi?"

"Not much," he admitted, "but we're ready for whatever comes our way! Right?" he looked to Charlotte for accordance, and she nodded vigorously.

Alice clicked her tongue in concentration. "How do I explain Jane Volturi?"

"Ooo!" said Emmett, "I'll do it! I'll explain in traditional, grand Emmett style, and with very bad grammar!" Without waiting for any of his friends or family to assent, he dashed up from his seat to stand in front of the gaggle of first years and sang:

"Her is

The kinda gal what gives a guy a chill

Isn't her?" He looked to Rosalie, who agreed,

"Her is."

"Her is," Emmett continued,

"Sadistic and she only aims to kill

Doesn't her?"

"Her does," agreed Jasper.

"First years," sang Emmett, "they ain't understandin'

Just how bad her is!

This ain't no line I'm handin'

Or Jane should smite me right where I'm standin'!"

"Smite?" asked Charlotte excitedly. "I know what that word means! Pick me! Pick me!"

"I pick you," said Emmett. She beamed with pride as Emmett continued:

"Her is

A hypnotically cute vampire child

Isn't her?"

"Her is," said Ron.

"Her has," sang Emmett,

"A short-man syndrome what is really wild,

Hasn't her?"

"Her has," Dumbledore agreed severely. At the sage's words, Emmett belted with even more conviction:

"Her is runnin' to us,

But her sure can bet,

We is

Gonna get her yet

(We're gonna smite her yet!)"

For a long moment after Emmett fell silently, Dennis simply stared at him with increasingly wide eyes. Finally, like a balloon bursting and letting out helium, he spouted the word, "COOOOOOOOOOOOoooooollll!"

"Edward," said Alice matter-of-factly. Edward nodded, grabbed Bella's hand, and bore down on the first years. He scooped all seven of them up in one arm and headed with his charges to the Ravenclaw tower, which was the designated safe place for those who would not be participating in the fight.

As all of the vampires and wizards stared after them, a disembodied pair of jazz hands started shuffling rhythmically above the floor.

"Mr. Cellophane," came Harry's unmistakable bass voice,

"Oh, Mr. Cellophane!

Should I bend my name

Mr. Cellophane?

'Cuz you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there!

I tell ya"—

Just then, Carlisle came in. "Harry, jazz hands in. Inside voices. We talked about this." Abruptly, the song was cut short, and the hands moved back into the realm of the invisible.

"Hey Carlisle," said Neville, who had apparently been there the whole time, unnoticed, "If someone stood up in a crowd and raised his voice up way out loud, and waved his arms and shook his leg, d'you think…"

But Carlisle was already busy chatting with Rosalie.

"Darn it," said Neville to himself, "not again!"

-Just outside the castle gates-

The contingent of Death Eaters stood ready to force entry into the castle, Jane at their head, Voldemort and Bellatrix standing slightly behind. Jane was facing straight ahead, but Bellatrix was shifting her weight uncomfortably from side to side.

"My lord," she finally said to Voldemort.

"Yes?" he asked distractedly.

"In case I don't make it through the fight, I have something to tell you…"

"Say it, then."

"I…er…see, the thing is…I love you!" she said and, without waiting for a reply, grabbed Voldemort's face and did something involving lizard lips that I can't type directly for fear of having a stroke.

"I really did not see this coming, but I love you too, my loyal minion!" said Voldy in an OMGEPIPHANY voice.

"Wow," said Bellatrix as the music started, "I…

"I tortured every muggle out there

I fought blood traitors claw and tooth

But somewhere in my lying, scheming past

There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me

Though it's clear you never should

So somewhere in the far distant past

I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
You can't even conjure food,

So sometime in archaic memory

I must have done something good."

"For here you are," sang Voldemort right on cue, "standing there, loving me

Though my heart's cold as stone

So somewhere deep down in my eighth of a soul,

Some hint of goodness must be known."

"Nothing comes from nothing," they sang together,

"Nothing ever could…"

"So somewhere in my youth," sang Bellatrix,

"Or orphanhood," added Voldy,

"I must," they paused dramatically, "have done," pause, "some," pause, "thing…gooooood!"

The Death Eaters all stared disbelievingly at the new inter-species couple for a moment, before Yaxley called out, "Wormtail, are you all right?"

The sniveling snitch was indeed looking a little woozy. In fact, he sang weakly, "I should lie down! Everything's brown and—ugh—I feel sick!"

"My sentiments exactly," oozed Snape as Wormtail fell to the grass in a dead faint.

-In the Great Hall-

Hermione was discussing battle strategies with Carlisle, Dumbledore and Alice when Trelawney jingled in, interrupting her thoughts.

"What is it, Sybill?" asked Dumbledore, immediately sensing her distress. As the wizened wizard turned his head, Emmett shifted slightly in position, either to better protect the headmaster's head or to look cool and James-Bond-ish.

"He's there, the Lord with the half-pint soul!" Trelawney sang, mystically waving her arms, "Beware the guardian of the mini-soul!"

"Alright then," said Hermione gravely, "I suppose we'd better prepare to attack them before they attack us then."

Ron swallowed. "If it weren't for the creative swearing contest, I'd say this called for a 'bloody hell.'"

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A/N: Woot! Another chapter finished! Sorry for the long wait…I'd make excuses, but you guys deserve better than that…The actual battle is coming in the next chapter, which should be chock full of good songy-types. Speaking of that, singables for this chapter were as follows: "War is a Science" from Pippin, "Her Is" from The Pajama Game, "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago, "Something Good" from The Sound of Music, a nice little surprise for you RENTheads (That's a line from the song "Rent" from the musical Rent), and a brief Phantom of the Opera reference. Well, now that credit has been given where credit is due, I'd best get to work on the battle. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!