Rating: M

Warnings: Slash, Mpreg, Surrogacy, OOC

Pairings: SS/HP and SB/RL

Genres: Romance, Drama, Angst

Summary: Sequel to 'Chasing Perfection.' Unable to have children, Sirius and Remus ask Harry to become their surrogate, much to the displeasure of Harry's lover, Severus. Can the two of them hold their relationship together when Severus's plans to propose are put to the test? SLASH, MPREG, SSHP, SBRL

Chapter 8: Lost

The piercing cry of his son interrupted his sleep once more. Stumbling out of bed quickly, Severus shrugged on his dressing gown and hurried from the room. Before shutting the door he glanced over his shoulder. Lately, Harry had been having trouble sleeping and the smallest of sounds was enough to wake him up – Severus was glad, therefore, to find that Harry still had his eyes closed, seemingly lost in a deep slumber.

He shut the door gently and crossed the hall to his son's room. He picked up Tristan and cradled him against his chest.

"It's alright, it's alright," he whispered soothingly to the boy, "Father's here."

He glanced around the room for the bottle Harry had prepared earlier and picked it up, glad to feel that the warming charm he had placed on it still kept. He adjusted the baby in his arms, sat down, and brought the bottle to Tristan's mouth. He fussed for a moment longer before settling his screams down to whimpers and feeding.

Despite the lack of sleep, despite the tiredness that had settled in his bones, there was something strangely satisfying about sitting here in the dead of night, feeling the gentle tug on the bottle as Tristan fed. Severus loved making his son happy, just like he loved making Harry happy. He liked that he was needed and wanted. He wasn't sure when this eagerness to please had presented itself but it was there nonetheless and so he did what he could.

He wouldn't have swapped his place in life for anyone else's. Family, something once wished for and then scorned at, had quickly become his everything. Of course, life still had its imperfections and there were things he wanted but couldn't…he'd told Harry he'd wait until they were both ready to have another baby but shaking away the desire wasn't easy…

…And the fact that Harry was two weeks pregnant with someone else's child didn't exactly help matters.

Was it selfish, wanting Harry all to himself? Or was it simply natural? Whatever it was, it didn't change anything.

The day that Harry had opened the door to the bathroom and announced to the room that he was pregnant, Severus had felt a numbness he'd never known before. All emotion had left him. Black and Lupin had gotten to their feet and embraced his lover whilst Severus had stood in the background, not able to think, not able to feel. When Harry's eyes had met his, he'd given a shrug and a small smile, as if he'd been (to use the muggle phrase) on autopilot.

Once their 'guests' had left and they had had the house to themselves, Severus had finally found his voice.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" he'd asked, pulling on his nightshirt.

"I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't," Harry had replied.

"But you never think," he'd continued to argue. "You have a habit of acting without thinking. I'm just making sure –"

"This isn't a whim, Severus! This is a big deal and I've given it serious thought. You know I have."

"You've thought about it, yes," he'd conceded, "But you never actually considered not going through with it. Your mind was made up from the very beginning."

Severus sighed wearily and looked down at Tristan.

He didn't resent Harry. He wasn't even angry at him, not anymore. It was just…

Another day, another adventure for the famous Harry Potter to embark upon; he'd been through a war, killed a Dark Lord, saved countless lives, become a father, and yet he still wasn't grown up. What would it take for Harry to realise that he wasn't required to solve every one of his friends' problems? That sometimes it was best to just stay out of the way?

His 'saving people thing' had taken him to whole new levels. Of course, there was nothing wrong with stepping in and rescuing a bad situation, but Harry had other things, other people, to think about. He needed to learn how to prioritise. Was his hero complex so important to him that he would jump in front of a killing curse aimed at one of his friends? Or would he remember that he had Severus and Tristan to think about?

Didn't he realise that he couldn't afford to be a hero anymore?

A soft whimpering reached his ears and he shook himself out of his thoughts. Tristan blinked large dark eyes at him and kicked his legs out in front, pulling away from his feed. Severus set the bottle aside and placed the baby near his shoulder, rubbing a hand on his back and patting gently. He got to his feet and paced the room.

He didn't want to look too closely at his feelings regarding Harry and the surrogate pregnancy. He wanted Harry to be happy, and he supposed it was nice of him to be doing this for Black and Lupin. Harry had a good heart, he'd always known that. And he'd known that being with Harry would sometimes force him to watch from the sidelines as his lover went off on some heroic journey.

As for his own happiness? He loved Harry and Harry loved him. He had a lover and a son, something he'd never even dreamed possible. In nine months they could get back to their own lives and could start planning their wedding. In the meantime, well…

He would just have to deal with it, that was all, and as long as they didn't spend too much time around Black and Lupin, he'd be fine. He needed to be fine. After all, there wasn't much he could do about it now. Harry needed him and, unlike Harry, Severus could prioritise. His family came first.

When Harry entered the kitchen the next morning, Severus was already seated at the table, his eyes fixed on the morning Prophet, a piece of dry toast in hand. Tristan, in his Severus' lap, was staring with fascination at Hedwig who held a scroll in her beak; Hedwig, perched at the other end of the table, was staring back with beady eyes.

Harry stepped forwards and freed her of her mail before taking the chair opposite Severus. He poured himself a warm cup of tea and unrolled the scroll.

"It's from Sirius and Remus," he said out loud. "They've invited us to spend Christmas with them."

Harry heard a rustle of newspaper and looked up to find Severus glaring at him warningly.

"I'll take that as a 'no' then," he muttered, reaching for a quill. He scribbled his quick reply down, thanking them for the offer, and set it aside.

On Severus' knee, Tristan reached out grabbing hands towards Hedwig. Hedwig ruffled her feathers rather indignantly and took flight, soaring through the open window. Tristan's lower lip trembled as he watched her go and his eyes began to shine wetly.

"Here, give him to me," Harry said, sensing an outburst on its way. He stood up and held out his arms as Severus passed him the wriggling baby.

As he sat back down he had to stifle a yawn. It had been another restless night and he'd only managed to get a couple of hours sleep here and there. There was just too much on his mind keeping him awake and whenever he did managed to doze off he would be haunted by nightmares. Things hadn't been this bad since the days of Voldemort, although Harry knew it was nothing like that – just a guilty conscience and a whole heap of worry.

He was fairly certain that, so far, his lack of sleep had gone unnoticed by Severus and Harry wanted to keep it that way. There wasn't exactly something he'd be able to do about it – such potions weren't allowed in the early stages of the pregnancy. And besides, Severus would only fret; he had enough to be getting on with without adding Harry's insomnia to the list.

As to the surrogacy…arguments between them had decreased considerably since the pregnancy had been confirmed. Short of having an abortion or (Merlin forbid) a miscarriage, nothing could be done about it now – this was going to happen and Severus finally seemed to have realised that; he hadn't made his peace with it but there was definitely an air of resignation about him. In all honesty though, it was simply best if they just didn't talk about it.

He looked down at Tristan in his lap. With a frown, he noticed that Severus had gotten toast crumbs in the boy's hair. He brushed them away and glanced back up at the table in time to see Severus set the newspaper aside.

"You fancy going out today?" Harry asked. "I was thinking we could make a start on the Christmas shopping whilst all the kids are still at school. It shouldn't be too busy."

"I have nothing else to do, so why not," said Severus, reaching for the teapot. "I need to go to Diagon Alley to get some things anyway."

"D'you think your mum will babysit?"

"Why don't we just take him with us?"

"Because we're getting his presents," said Harry, now bouncing the fussing baby gently on his knee.

"Your point?"

"Well, I don't want him to see them before Christmas," he said. "It'll spoil the surprise."

"Harry," said Severus, "He's a baby."

"So?"

Severus brought a hand to his temple and sighed. "Fine," he said, "We will turn his pram around when we select his gifts."

Harry worried his lip. "Are you sure he'll be alright in the Wizarding World? What if someone tries to jinx him?"

"We'll place protective spells around him."

"What about the weather? It's too cold for him to be out that long."

It was, in fact, quite sunny for November, but Harry had opened the bedroom window earlier to feel a bitter chill biting at his hands. Briefly, he wondered how muggle parents wrapped their babies up warm enough to face such weather, but his thoughts were interrupted by Severus, who was moaning about Harry being a dense idiot. He wondered what the difference was between an 'idiot' and a 'dense idiot' before finally agreeing to take Tristan with them.

Upon arriving in Diagon Alley it quickly became apparent that they weren't the only ones who had had the idea of doing their shopping before the kids came home for Christmas. All along the street, witches and wizards were nipping in and out of shops, nattering to one another, bags full-to-bursting held in tight grips or floating in thin air behind them. Shop windows were decked in red, green, and gold, and mistletoe and holly wreathes were hanging from practically every available surface. At the far end, just outside the bank, were a group of carollers singing festive songs that Harry wasn't too familiar with but, he was sure, Molly Weasley would have appreciated greatly.

Apart from home and Hogwarts, Diagon Alley was his favourite place to be. Perhaps it was because Diagon Alley had been his first real adventure into the magical world, but there was just something about being here that made him feel welcome. It was so traditional and old-fashioned, yet it was always advancing with the times, with new shops popping up here and there.

Harry set off down the cheerful street, pushing the pram in front of him. Severus fell into step beside him, scowling every now and then at the red and gold woolly hat that Harry had placed on Tristan's head. Harry had compromised by allowing Severus to wrap the baby in a dark green blanket but underneath that, Tristan was dressed in his warmest clothes – the ones that were red and green and had little stars on them. Severus thought he looked like a muggle Christmas elf, but Harry thought he looked adorable and couldn't wait to go into a shop and show him off.

"Fancy an ice-cream?" he asked, nodding towards Florean Fortsecue's.

"Do I look like the type of man who eats ice-cream?"

"Oh, come on," said Harry, "live a little."

"It's freezing," he pointed out.

"So? We'll eat inside."

"That's not what I meant," he replied.

Harry stuck out his bottom lip and pouted. When Severus rolled his eyes, he smiled triumphantly and headed for the ice-cream parlour.

"You're a stubborn brat, you know that?" Severus said, sliding into the plastic chair opposite Harry. "And who eats ice-cream at this time of year?"

"We do," Harry smiled. "Here's your menu." He handed the magically laminated card to Severus and looked down at his own; everything from Chocolate and Vanilla to Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans-endorsed flavours were on offer and Harry felt very much spoilt for choice. Coconut, marmalade…oh, blueberry sounded good…

After they had ordered (and Mr. Fortescue had cooed over Tristan), they sat back in their chairs and watched the witches and wizards hurrying passed outside the window, Severus glaring and Harry smiling at anyone who pointed at them. Tristan lay quietly in his pram, his big eyes darting everywhere, taking everything in.

When their order arrived, Harry was distracted for a few moments as he watched Severus delicately eating his raspberry sorbet. His public table manners were far more improved than the ones he used at home, Harry noticed. He tried to think back to the last time they'd actually gone out for a meal together but the only thing that came to mind was Ron and Hermione's engagement party and wedding. Did it count as a date when there were that many friends involved?

Shaking his head to himself, he pulled his spoon towards him and started on his own scoops of lemon and blueberry ice-cream.

"I have no idea what to get Ron and Hermione for Christmas," he said. "Do I still have to get them individual presents now that they're married or do I get them something they could use as a couple?"

"I have absolutely no idea," Severus replied, sounding as if he couldn't have cared less.

"And what do I get for Sirius and Remus?" he went on. "That's going to be weird. And what about Dumbledore? And your mother? Do you know what she wants? And we're going to have to buy some cards to send out to everyone. How many do we need?"

"Are you always like this when you go shopping?" Severus asked, exasperated.

"Regretting coming already?" Harry grinned.

Severus ignored him and returned to his sorbet.

"Is your mum coming for Christmas dinner or will it be just the three of us?" he asked.

"I haven't asked her. Do you want me to?"

Harry shrugged. "Only if you want to."

"Then no," he said. "I'd rather it was just you, me, and Tristan. It is his first Christmas after all. It should be just the three of us."

The lemon ice-cream that Harry had just swallowed suddenly seemed to sit painfully cold in his stomach. He averted his eyes from Severus and looked down at his dessert. There'd been something in Severus' voice, something in the way he'd said that last piece…it should be just the three of us…

It should be, Harry thought. It should be just the three of them. But there was a baby growing inside him that didn't belong to Severus, that didn't belong to him…

Harry didn't regret his decision – in his mind and in his heart he felt that he was doing the right thing – but he hated the way it kept being brought up like that, as if it was some huge betrayal. He hated the way it was making Severus feel and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it.

"I think we should get Albus a hat for Christmas," said Severus, scooping sorbet onto his spoon.

Harry looked up. "What?"

"A hat," he repeated. "For Albus. He likes hats – the more flamboyant, the better. If I didn't know any better I'd swear he was gay."

The next few hours were spent browsing the shops, buying everything they thought they could use as a gift. Severus picked out the most colourful hat he could find for the Headmaster (but spared himself the embarrassment of buying it by making Harry pay for it at the counter), and loaded up on an assortment of shortbread and Scotch Whisky for McGonagall.

Harry, at a complete loss for what to get anyone this year, finally decided that Quidditch tickets were the way to go for Ron and that a book was the way to go for Hermione, which Severus thankfully helped with choosing – a nice little collection of books on the more advanced household spells that covered everything from cooking and cleaning to…doing stuff…in the bedroom; Harry was fairly confident Hermione wouldn't have learnt any of that from Molly's kitchen books. And, he'd pointed out to Severus, it was something Ron and Hermione could use as a couple.

Sirius and Remus had been rather harder to shop for. What did you get for the parents of the baby you were carrying? He'd tried to think of them as just Sirius and Remus – his godfather and ex-professor – but being pregnant with their baby made it slightly difficult to do. And Severus had been no help whatsoever in suggesting he get them a dog lead and collar. In the end, he'd settled for a selection of chocolates and a nice bottle of aftershave for each of them.

It was a dressing gown and slippers for Eileen Snape (it was what Ron got for Molly every other year) but Harry managed to persuade Severus to get her something special from himself and eventually he had decided upon a nice clock.

Tristan, who should have been the easiest to shop for, turned out to be the most difficult. Harry had just tossed anything that looked cute into their shopping basket – toys, teddies, clothes…they'd even gone out into the muggle world where Harry had bought an adorable baby reindeer costume, complete with a face and antlers on the hood…but Severus had taken his time, examining everything he picked up, sniffing, shaking, squeezing, reading all the instructions that were written on the boxes and bags.

Eventually, Severus had declared themselves finished for the day and they'd floo'd home from The Leaky Cauldron weighed down with bags.

Severus stood back, arms folded, as he watched Harry place the gold star on top of the Christmas tree. Big, bright baubles, gaudy tinsel in all colours of the rainbow, it was possibly one of the most tackiest things Severus had ever seen. The whole room was decorated for the festive season, with muggle fairy lights pinned around the windows, red and green streamers stuck to the ceiling, snowmen ornaments, fake snow, singing teddy bears...and he had a horrible, dreadful feeling that a large, plastic Father Christmas, complete with sleigh and a couple of reindeers, was sitting right outside the window in the front garden, of all places. Oh. Dear. God. Not even the beaming smile on Tristan's face was worth this sort of torture.

"Are you trying to kill me?" he asked, glancing around in distaste at what was supposed to be his living room.

"Oh, come on Sev," said Harry, "Look at his face. He loves it!"

"He's a child, of course he loves it. You could wrap tinsel and lights round a house-elf and you'd still get the same reaction out of him."

Harry giggled and shifted the baby in his arms.

"Lighten up, Severus," he said, quite fondly. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"Residing in the same place as my love for Valentine's Day, bright clothing, and all things Weasley," he replied.

Laughing again, Harry moved forwards and kissed him on the cheek. He then pressed the baby into his arms.

"I'm going to go and run myself a nice, hot bath," he told him. "You can stay here with your son and admire the decorations."

"Don't be too surprised if you come back down and they've all been mysteriously destroyed," Severus called out after him.

When the door had closed, Severus looked down at Tristan and then back up at the room again. It could have been worse, he supposed. Harry could have dressed the whole house in lights. He could have built a Santa's Grotto in the garden.

He quickly walked to the window and looked out just to be on the safe side. No Grotto, but the plastic reindeer display wasn't really that much better.

"The things I put up with," he muttered, shaking his head. When he decided his eyes couldn't take anymore, he turned away from the window and sat down on the sofa, jumping slightly when a red teddy bear started to sing 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'

The smile on Tristan's face was the only thing that stopped Severus from setting the toy on fire. He therefore gritted his teeth and tried to shut the hideous noise out.

If people could see me now, he thought bitterly, but then, almost at once, the bitterness was gone. So what if people could see him now? He had a beautiful baby boy and a gorgeous, caring fiancé. He had more than Malfoy, more than Avery, more than Mulciber…right now, he even had more than Black and Lupin. As soon as this surrogacy business was over, he would be getting married to the man he loved.

"Biba," Tristan gurgled, reaching for the singing bear.

"That's right," Severus said absently, patting him on the head.

Maybe he should give Harry the engagement ring back? After all the fuss Harry had made earlier on in the year about wanting to get married, the ring had to mean a lot to him. Maybe he could –

"Sev?"

Damn that dratted being, interrupting his thoughts!

"Yes, Harry?" he called back, wearily.

"Could you come up here? I have something for you."

"Yes, Harry," he called out again. "Come on, Tristan. Let's get you to bed. Daddy's being a nuisance."

Once Tristan and the singing teddy bear were safely tucked up in the cot, Severus made for his own bedroom. The smell of scented candles reached his nostrils the moment he opened the door and he was fairly certain he could hear low music coming from the bathroom.

Glancing suspiciously at the bathroom door, he crossed the room and pushed it open.

All about the room were soft, glowing candles, flickering with life, giving off the sweetest smells. Music was, indeed, playing, although it was music Severus had never heard…slow, quiet, instrumental…possibly muggle, he thought. Rose petals were scattered across the tiled floor, a trail of flowers leading to where Harry sat perched against the edge of the deep, bubble-filled bath, wearing nothing more than a smile.

"Care to join me?" he asked, his eyes alight.

"Are you trying to be romantic?" asked Severus, choosing not to answer.

The smile on Harry's face grew cheeky. "Is it working?"

Severus swept the room with his eyes once more. "Yes," he replied. "Although I hope you don't expect anything in return."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Just get in the bath."

Severus grinned and stripped himself of his clothes. He stepped into the bath and settled into the hot water with a peaceful sigh. Harry hopped in after him and settled between his legs.

"I'm not squashing your bits am I?" he asked, leaning back against Severus's chest.

"My bits are quite safe," he replied.

He closed his eyes and lay his head against the tub. It had been a long time since he'd allowed himself the luxury of a relaxing bath.

After a long moment of contented silence (except for the music, of course, which seemed never-ending) he felt Harry beginning to move. After a few splashes, he opened his eyes and saw Harry soaping himself up. Feeling as though this was all rather a cliché, he sat up and reached for the flannel.

"Let me do that," he said. Harry handed him the bar of soap and sat still as Severus washed his back.

"You're a brave man, Severus. You know that?"

Harry had spoken so quietly that Severus almost hadn't caught it.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"The baby," he replied. "Not a lot of men would allow their partner to do something like this."

Severus wasn't sure how to respond so he focused himself on Harry's back; it had been so long since he'd felt those muscles beneath his fingers that it wasn't all that hard to do.

"I know that it may feel like a betrayal, but it's not," Harry continued. "I love you, and I know that I always will. And if I hurt you then I'm sorry – I don't mean to make you feel like this."

Still, Severus didn't reply. He dipped the flannel underneath the water and began to rinse off the soap from Harry's back.

"You and Tristan are the most important people in my life…and if I do things that make it seem otherwise then I'm sorry for that, too."

I know you are, Severus thought. I know you're sorry and I love you and I don't hold anything against you. But the words stuck in his throat and as Harry turned to look at him, he was lost, lost because Harry looked so lost, like he needed reassurance, and Severus did the only thing he could think of. He captured Harry's lips with his own and proceeded to lose himself in an entirely different way.

A/N: Sorry!! I know it's been forever since the last update, but it was a combination of writer's block, holiday, and a computer virus. There's a note on my profile explaining, but I have to have my computer wiped so I'm stuck with using my brother's computer whenever he decides to let me until mine's sorted.

Anyways, half this chapter was written ages ago, and half was written today. Can you tell? lol, oh well.

Thank you for the reviews. I really like reading the difference of opinions you all have on the subject of surrogacy. I know it's a bit of a controversail issue (perhaps in some Countries more than others?) but I wanted to attempt to tackle it, give myself a bit of a challenge. So thank you all for reading and reviewing and I'll update as soon as I can.