GRIPER'S WARNING: This thing is AU. In fact, so totally AU that it's not Naruto at all. It's my own creation. So, if you want to read a fanfiction that has real live Naruto and ninjas along with characters that are actually in character, DO NOT READ THIS THING. That was my fault, for all of you people who read this, expecting a real Naruto story, only to find out you were bamboozled into some non-canon garbage.

Foreword: Ahem er, seems that I wasn't clear enough in my first foreword. I have finished writing this story, but I haven't posted all of the chapters yet. There are like fifteen or something more still stored on my computer that I will post from week to week, so what you are reading on this page is NOT the entire story. Next week, there will be a second chapter. Next next week, there will be the third chapter, and on and on and on until the last chapter is up. This is also the first fic I've ever completed, and it will replace With Haste, so an apology to the few, but appreciated, people who were waiting for that story to end.

Ciao.

Chapter 1: An Angry Family

People never could say that the union between Uzumaki Naruto and Sato Saeko was a happy one. Sure, at the altar, they each willingly said the words "I do," but that was where their affection ended. Hardly a kiss, or even a smile, passed between the two since their wedding. Still, there must be some feeling between the two, right? After all, they had three children: two girls and one boy.

The oldest was a girl at the age of ten, with her father's blond hair and blue eyes. Her name was Uzumaki Suzuna. The next oldest was another girl, this one age eight, and she had the same features as her older sister. She was named Uzumaki Mitsuyo. The youngest sibling was their brother, a small fellow of five years, but he did not share the same physical traits as his sisters. His hair was dark, so dark, that it almost looked blue, and his eyes were a lot lighter than his sisters' were. His name was Uzumaki Orimi.

Together, the three managed to grow up without their mother in their hearts, who hated them with a passion. She never had a kind word ready for them and detested their presence. Thanks to her, the children quickly learned the value of being neither seen nor heard.

Their mother was a woman made up of only hard planes and angles. She was so stiff, it was hard to believe that three children could have come out of her. Thin as a rod, she had black hair and black eyes, a sharp, narrow face, and a very business-like, very austere aura that perpetually hung over her like a loathsome cloud of mosquitoes. Every day, she would leave for work at exactly five-o'-clock sharp, stay until 10-o'-clock at night, and then come back home at around 11 or 12, whereupon she would immediately begin grumbling about her job or pick a quarrel with her husband so loudly that all three children would wake up and hear her raucous clamoring. All the while, Naruto would fruitlessly try to placate his wrathful wife.

So not surprisingly, the mother was also universally hated by her children. Resentfully, they would watch her out of the corner of their eyes, waiting for her to make a move and never knowing when she would.

Their father, however, was a different story. Knowing that his children needed some semblance of a caring, paternal figure, Naruto became a full-time, stay-at-home dad, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and did all the things that would normally be expected from a caring housewife. Suzuna, Mitsuyo, and Orimi all clung to him as a shield from their mother's wrath, and he willingly protected them.

One day, Saeko came home particularly full of ire. It was late, as usual, and Naruto was sitting at the breakfast table, reading a book and paying the bills.

"Those goddamn idiots don't know how the hell to do their job. I keep telling them to fill out their fucking reports in time, but what do they do? They just ignore me and leave those damn reports out to rot, and then the blame gets shifted on me! The manager keeps telling me what a bad worker I am, but it's not my fault!"

Naruto hated it when his wife swore. Then again, she swore all of the time, so it did not really make a difference.

"Please, Saeko, not so loud. I just convinced Mitsuyo to go to bed. She's been trying to stay up all night for the past few weeks."

"Well, I don't give a rat's ass. I'm going through a lot here, Naruto, and you don't even have the decency to extend a friendly shoulder or even a simple word of encouragement?"

"I…" but before Naruto could finish, Saeko had whirled around on her heel, marched into the bedroom, and slammed the door shut. Such was the average day in the Uzumaki household.

The next morning, after Saeko had gone to work, Naruto made breakfast for the children. It was a Saturday, so he made extra helpings of everything. Once the last settings were in place, he started banging a spoon on a pot lid.

"Oy, everybody! Grub's up!"

In the hall, the doors flew open, and six feet smacked the linoleum as the kids ran to get their food. Their father greeted them all with a smile and a nod.

"Dig in," which they all did, happily. Nothing but the sound of chewing food could be heard until Suzuna said to her dad, with her mouth full of eggs,

"We heard you guys fighting again last night."

"Oh, you did?" Naruto's shoulders fell slightly.

"Yeah," answered Mitsuyo.

"I thought I told you kids to go to sleep."

"It's not like we can sleep with her around," snorted Mitsuyo, "I bet you could use her to rouse up a whole base camp instead of a bugler."

"Mitsuyo, she's your mother," Naruto defended his wife.

"Like that even matters. Why don't you just get rid of her, dad?" butted in Suzuna.

"You know I can't do that," said Naruto quietly.

"Why?" asked Orimi.

"And don't say it's because we're not old enough," added Suzuna, "you say that all the time."

"Yeah, dad, why can't you get rid of Saeko?" asked Mitsuyo.

Naruto just sat there for a minute, staring at his hands, as if the correct answer was written on them.

"Well, what can I say?" he began slowly, "you guys really aren't old enough to know why I can't divorce your mother."

"Aw, dad!" whined all three.

"I'm serious. Now, finish up your breakfast and go do your homework or go play outside or do whatever you need to do. I have to clean up these dishes and go pick up some medicine from the pharmacy. Your mother's getting her migraines again."

"I still don't see why you can't just tell us," Suzuna persisted.

"Then don't try," her father said, "just finish your food and go away."

After they had finished breakfast, the three of them went to the park and pushed each other around the carousel.

"Go, Orimi!" shouted Mitsuyo as she flung the wheel with all of her might. Orimi giggled and gurgled as he whirled around and around. Suzuna, declaring herself to be old for such antics, contented herself on the swings.

"Bet you can't swing over my head!" yelled Orimi at Suzuna. Lately, Orimi had been betting a lot, not that he really cashed in on his wins.

"Oh yeah? Watch this!" retorted Suzuna as she started to pump her legs harder and harder.

"Nyah, nyah, still doesn't reach!"

And so they passed the day, temporarily forgetting that they lived with Saeko until…

"Dinnertime! Now!" They could hear their mother's voice, hard as nails, slashing through the evening air.

"I forgot, she always comes home early on Saturdays," groaned Mitsuyo.

Each of them, in front of the door, met their mother and her baleful stare.

"Grimy hands, dirty clothes, covered in sweat and sand. Have you been at the park all day again?"

"Yes, Saeko," replied Suzuna.

"Well, for goodness' sake, clean yourselves up. You sure aren't eating at my table in that disgusting state."

Oh, how they hated chafing under Saeko's iron fist, but they had no means to do anything about it. Thus burdened with this dearth of options against that woman, they all meekly filed into the bathroom to wash their hands and faces.

At the dinner table, Suzuna, Mitsuyo, Orimi, and Naruto were sitting. Saeko at the moment was in her room, changing her clothes and setting down her workthings. Once she had finished, she walked to the dining room and beckoned for Naruto to follow her.

"Naruto, come with me for a second. I want to talk with you for a moment."

Putting down his chopsticks, he obeyed and followed her.

"You just keep on eating. I'll be back soon," he promised.

This was also a common occurrence around the house, but as of late, there had been something a little odd about these tête-à-tête moments. For one thing, they used to be only at night, when the children were in bed. Now, however, they happened nearly all the time Naruto and Saeko were in the same room, and with alarming magnitude. It would not be strange to hear Saeko's voice punching through every room in the house, lacerating her husband's ears for this or that crime.

"Why do you guys keep doing this?!" they could hear Saeko's voice, though muffled through the wood, was steadily rising into a shrieking crescendo.

"Calm down, Saeko," pleaded Naruto.

"Why don't you ever tell me about this stuff you two plan, huh!? We're supposed to be married, you imbecile! We arranged for this to happen two weeks from now!"

"But we decided that next Monday would be a better day, because she couldn't wait any longer."

"What?! That's just idiotic! How am I supposed to fit that into my schedule, huh? I already have a meeting planned with all of the big names interested in sponsoring us. If I don't show up, then we go flop."

"Ok, then I'll take them myself on the train. It's not that hard, Saeko."

"Why are we even doing this again?"

"I thought it would be best for them, Saeko. We've both known about this for some months, remember?"

"I'm starting to have second thoughts on whether or not I should even let them go."

"What? Why?"

"Come to think of it, I'm the one who took care of them the most, I clothed them, fed them, gave them an education with money out of my own damn pocket, so why should I shift myself for some person who's never even known them for more than a few hours?"

The two were quiet for a while. Then Naruto spoke.

"Saeko. For one thing, you don't even like your children, and you know that they don't like you. So don't you think this will be a welcome break for the both of you?"

No response from her, but the eavesdroppers could feel the heat from the glare she was giving to Naruto.

"Please, Saeko, it'll be a good thing. For once, I want to live a day without hearing you yelling at the kids or the kids crying because you beat them too hard."

"They deserve it. Do you know what Mitsuyo did to me the other day? She planted a bag full of crickets in my briefcase. When I opened it at work, they jumped everywhere!"

At the table, Mitsuyo and Orimi were both snickering and elbowing each other.

"Man, she paddled me hard after that, but it was worth it."

"Come on, Saeko. Just a few months, that's all I want."

She gave a snort of disgust and of exasperation, and then finally agreed with a special concession.

"Fine, fine. They go, but you aren't."

"Oh, Saeko, don't do that! I have to go with them!" Naruto was flat-out begging his wife.

"No, you're not, Naruto. That's all over and done with, you are my husband now. It's either just them going, or nothing."

"Alright, alright, I'll stay," caved in Naruto miserably.

" Good, then this conversation is over. Go and see if those three are still eating like you told them to or if they're eavesdropping on us like I think they are."

"Yes, Saeko."

The children heard the door open and close and saw Naruto shuffling his way down the hallway to them.

"Hi, sorry that took me longer than I thought it would."

"No problem, dad," reassured Suzuna.

"Yeah, it's ok," added Mitsuyo.

"What were you guys talking about?" asked Orimi.

"Oh, nothing in general. I'll tell you, soon enough," he answered, "Look, everyone, I'm kind of sleepy today, so I'm going to finish dinner early. You guys, when you finish, just put your plates in the dishwasher and I'll clean up tomorrow morning."

"Ok, pops," said Orimi.

"Alright, I'll see you all in the morning. Good night, everyone."

"Good night," they replied in unison.

Their father walked down the hallway very slowly, almost as if he were shuffling. With a loud click and the thump of wood on wood, he closed his bedroom door and went to sleep.