Absence Chapter 6: Home, an ironman fanfic

Absence

Chapter Six

"Home"

Like old times, she was wide awake at 4:57, shutting off her alarm clock before it even rang, and began her morning routine. Her heart was racing from the moment her feet hit the floor, and maintained its speed, hurrying her as she chose her outfit, did her hair and makeup, and put more care into her appearance than she had since the day of her job interview some four years before. She didn't even try to tell herself that the care she took was mere professionalism - she loved him, she wanted to look drop-dead gorgeous for his return, and she knew it.

Despite so much effort in getting ready, she made it to the Stark mansion at precisely 6:49, long before Tony's plane was due at the base. She spent her extra time going through every room in the house, making sure everything was as it should be, checking his email (only to realize that it was nothing but inquiries from reporters, again, and she decided to leave them for a later time), and generally ensuring everything was absolutely perfect for Tony's return. Fortunately (or unfortunately, given that she still had anxious time to kill), she had kept things under control so well for the last thing three months that very little needed to be done. Finally, finally, at 8:30, she and Happy got in the car for the drive to the air force base.

The endlessly long drive was over in an instant, and soon they were on the tarmac, driving up to the massive plane that had just taxied into place. Pepper felt a swarm of butterflies in her stomach as she stepped out of the car, anticipating her final, absolute and undeniable confirmation that Tony Stark was indeed alive, and her chance to say what had torn her heart to shreds for the last three months.

Pepper wrung her hands tightly and chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for the back of the plane to open. When it finally did, and she laid eyes on him, for real this time, her face spread into an uncontrollable smile.

While the plane was still in the air, he was willing it to move faster, to take him home and to her sooner, but he was finding out that that tactic sadly didn't work, and by the time they landed and began moving slowly across the runway to their place, he was downright praying for it to go faster.

In the last few moments of the painfully long wait, he compulsively straightened his tie, his collar, his lapels, ran a hand through his hair, did every last-minute thing he could think of to look his best. He didn't want to look too much like hell when he saw her (although the extra sympathy and concern he would no doubt receive could only help him).

Finally - finally - the plane came to a stop, the doors dropped down, and Rhodey helped him up. Far away - too far for his injured body to run - he saw Pepper, smiling brilliantly, beautifully. His guess had been right - she did look even more beautiful than he had remembered.

When he stood from the wheelchair, he still had every intention to follow her into the back of the Rolls Royce, raise the privacy barrier, take her soft hands into his, savor her incredible blue eyes, give her a more genuine smile than he had ever given any woman in his life, tell her that thoughts of her had kept him alive back in that cave, and then tell her he loved her more than anything.

But, somehow, as he began his slow descent down the ramp toward the woman of his dreams, he felt his nerves catching up with him, and he began to remember their history together. She was his assistant, after all, and he did sign her paychecks, and Pepper Potts wasn't the sort of woman to let her personal life get too entangled with her work - that would be a problem. And it wasn't like she could have forgotten his reputation in his absence, she was the one who always escorted the women from the mansion in the morning, and… Shit.

He felt his determination falter, suddenly afraid of rejection by the only person he had, the only one who really meant something to him, afraid of scaring her away forever with a simple admission. In the wake of the fear, he felt a familiar old cockiness brimming up within him, his usual protection against anything that terrified him. He didn't like it, didn't want it here, now, but he couldn't help it and could think of nothing else to protect a heart which could so easily be shattered in one instant by one woman.

Somehow, she was too nervous, and still had too much sense of propriety to run up the ramp to him. Butterflies still fluttering wildly within her, she waited in place, still staring at him. Yes, that was absolutely the same Tony Stark who had left her three months ago… after forgetting her birthday. After being three hours late for a flight, ruining the schedules for some unknown number of people half a world away. After leaving her to send another one-night-stand packing… after being Tony Stark, the man she had come to know far too well over the years… Oh, no.

"Your eyes are red," he commented cooly once he finally reached her. His nonchalant tone did something to her, killed every butterfly, left her heart to sink and break just a tiny bit, and left her newfound love to retreat in the face of the fear of rejection, of getting pushed aside or fired for her admission, of losing what small ways she had to love him in their old routines with each other. "Few tears for your long-lost boss?" The hint of cockiness in his words, and the sickening reminder that he was her boss did her in, sealed her love deep within her heart where it could neither escape nor be harmed, and a brave and equally cool mask took its place.

"Tears of joy," she said, forcing a smile, barely able to look him in the eye. "I hate job-hunting," she added quickly, as a plausible excuse. Feeling guilty, and desperate, and filled with the terror that she would never again have the courage to say what she wanted to, she let her old shield fall into place - the polite and respectful demeanor she always used with her boss, her barrier against whatever her heart might want her to feel right now. She acted like she always had before, because she had no idea what else to do.

And there it was. An injured heart , courtesy of Pepper Potts - the last thing he needed right now. Job-hunting? Was that really it? Could that really have been her greatest concern in the last three months? Not that he was hurt, or dead, or missed her? Could she really feel nothing?

"Yeah, well," he said curtly, not wanting to linger in the fresh pain any longer than was necessary. "Vacation's over."

He brushed past her quickly on his way to the car, silently wondering, racking his brain to try to decide if Pepper was the type of woman to hide feelings for a man because he was her boss, the type of woman who was so professional that she could not even let a tiny bit of personal concern show, even if she wanted to. Unfortunately, he had nothing to base his answers on, and he truly could not guess. Feeling like a fool for ever believing she might share his feelings, like an idiot for letting his old self crop up in his first moment back with her, and terrified that, even if she did love him, he had lost his one chance to tell her, he slipped quietly and reluctantly into the back of the car. He had no idea what else to do.

All done. Sorry about the lack of happy ending, but I did warn you.