Er . . . Hello Again

Severus Snape lay asleep in his four-poster bed, his large nostrils fluctuating from the force of his snores as Hermione Granger lay undisturbed beside him, both covered in Slytherin green silk sheets. The sparsely furnished bedroom contained only a bed, a mirrored dresser, a large wardrobe and a small wooden chair.

Obviously, the wizard was into Feng Shui. Or he didn't like clutter.

He shifted slightly as a Presence filled the room. The atmosphere was pensive and rather hesitant as the intruder looked down on the sleeping pair.

"Here goes," the author murmured as she steeled herself.

This wasn't going to be easy.

"Er . . . hello. Severus? Hermione?" the husky female voice ventured timidly.

Snape let out a disgruntled snore and turned, his face frowning up. Hermione didn't move.

"Severus?" the voice said again, louder this time.

Suddenly the wizard sat up, pulling his wand out from under the pillow and waving it about the room, his black eyes shifting quickly in the low torchlight. His naked pale body was visible to his waist as he pushed his lank hair out of the way. Quite a yummy sight actually.

"Reveal yourself," he hissed, intending on casting a room-wide stunner.

Of course the owner of the voice knew what he was planning.

She always knew.

"Your spells aren't going to work on me, Severus. I'm not really a part of your world. I'm . . . a visitor," the voice said.

Snape didn't lower his wand, but continued to look about warily.

"Who are you?" he demanded, "and what are you doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night? What do you want?"

Hermione continued to sleep undisturbed.

"Um . . . I'm the author that told you I was leaving you alone and took my characters with me. You know . . . Marcus Delaluci, Odessa Divine . . . a few others."

Snape's mouth worked silently for a moment as the voice's statement sank in.

"Oh, gods damn it!" he hissed. "I thought I was free of you."

"Sorry," the voice said apologetically. "I thought I was free of you too."

The voice hesitated.

"What's wrong with Hermione?" it asked.

Still scowling, Snape lowered his wand and shook Hermione a bit roughly. She frowned and kicked back at him.

"Stop it, Severus," she murmured in her sleep.

The dark wizard shook her again.

The witch's eyes snapped open and she sat up, totally pissed, removing earplugs from her ears.

"What?" she snapped at him.

Severus looked around the room.

"We have a visitor," he said, frowning.

Hermione immediately scanned the room.

"I don't see anyone," she said, looking at Severus oddly. "Maybe you were dreaming."

"If I were dreaming, trust me, this would fall into the 'nightmare' category. That author's back."

"What author? What are you talking about?" Hermione replied, now scowling at the wizard, sure he had been dreaming.

"The one who took Marcus and the rest of them away, claiming they were going to another story realm. She's back," the wizard said, his eyes narrowed.

"Oh good grindelows. You have to be kidding me. She's back? Shit," Hermione cursed, now looking around the room in earnest.

"Yes, I'm back. I couldn't stay away," the voice said. "I've got a lot of unfinished stories that people want to read, and . . . and I missed you two."

Both Severus and Hermione sat in stony silence, not responding.

"I . . . I guess I just needed a break," the voice offered.

Severus snorted.

"Yes. Preferably in your neck vertebrate," he snapped. "I can't believe this. Women are so fucking fickle."

Hermione swelled visibly at his statement.

"Just because she's female is no reason to disparage our entire sex," she growled at the wizard. "Men change their minds too, you know."

"But not after announcing their intentions to the entire world," he responded.

Hermione's face contorted and it was easy to see she was about to go into total browbeating mode.

"Hold it, I didn't come here to make you two fight. I just wanted to let you know I was back and would be picking up the stories I started," the voice said, trying to stave off what was obviously about to become a heated argument.

"Like we're supposed to know what those stories are," Hermione snapped back at her.

"Something inane, I'm sure," Severus said witheringly. "All the stories are terrible impositions, not that one oversexed Muggle writer cares a whit. There are whole archives of improbable tales about us."

"Improbable, but interesting just the same. You two are greatly loved," the voice said, trying to cool the wizard's ire.

"How many bloody times do I have to tell you people I don't need to be loved?" Severus hissed as Hermione scowled at him. Severus saw her look and quickly amended his statement.

"I mean not publicly," he said in an attempt to set things right with his lover.

Hermione sighed.

"So, what kind of stories are we talking about here? There are so many we lose track," she said to the empty room.

There was a heavy silence.

"What kind of stories?" Snape demanded.

"Well, there's Yuleride, where you want Hermione to leave Ron and travel with you around the world," the voice offered.

Severus smirked. He did enjoy wresting Hermione away from Ron.

"How do I do it?" he asked.

Hermione looked interested as well.

"Well, you seduce her . . . because you're a much better lover than Ron," the voice said, not wanting to give away too much of the story. "Then afterwards you visit a brothel . . ."

"What?" Hermione cried, outraged.

"It works out, I promise," the voice said, "it really does."

Hermione looked at Severus as if he had purposely engaged prostitutes.

"Hermione, I'm not the one in control of this!" the wizard exclaimed, then looked up desperately. "You said stories . . . what else?"

"Ah . . . there's a PWP that needs finishing . . ."

"What's a PWP?" Hermione asked.

Again, the voice hesitated.

"Um . . . it's a euphemism. It stands for Porn without Plot."

Hermione's lips sucked in as if she'd tasted a horribly sour lemon as Snape looked delighted.

"No complications?" he asked.

"Only a couple. It's called, 'Why Just Watch.' I left it at you shouting 'Giddyup!"

Both Severus and Hermione blinked, then Snape said, "And just how do you figure you'll manage to explain why an Englishman would shout, 'Giddyup?'"

"Well, I was going to attribute it to your love of American Western matinees when you were young," the voice admitted sheepishly.

"Oh Merlin's baggy bum," Hermione swore. "And what am I doing while he's pretending to be a Hee-Haw extra?"

"Enjoying it," the voice purred. "Trust me, you love it."

Hermione shook her head in resignation.

"I suppose there's nothing for it then. Are there any other stories?" she asked.

"Oh yes, but you'll find out about them soon enough," the voice replied obliquely.

It wasn't about to tell her about "Death Be Not Unkind" with her as the bad guy and Snape as a vengeful incubus.

Severus wasn't upset as he should be. The scenarios sounded interesting if not downright pleasurable.

"Very well," the wizard said, "there's little we can do about it anyway, being that we are fictional characters subject to the whims of whatever idiot that can put a pen to a page or press a key. Just don't go overboard. I would like to keep whatever shreds of dignity I can," the wizard said, his face screwed up.

"Thank you," the voice said, relieved it had gone this well.

Suddenly, Hermione started as if prodded by a red-hot poker.

"Wait a minute. Does this mean Raucous will be coming back?" she demanded, her amber eyes narrowed.

"I don't really know. He's not in any of the stories I have to complete," the author said.

"Keep that black-feathered demon wherever the hell he is. I don't miss him one bit," the witch hissed.

"I'll keep it in mind," the voice said diplomatically, having no idea if the raven would be back or not. But it was better not to make promises.

Snape's eyes narrowed.

"Well, you've said your piece and descended upon us again. I only hope I can get back to sleep," he growled, dismissing the author. "Next time, don't be so quick to say goodbye. It's deceptive and disappointing."

"I'm sorry," the author said again.

Snape snorted and dropped back to the bed, rolling over in the covers and facing the wall. Hermione looked up.

"Just keep it interesting, all right?" she said to the author.

"I'll do my best, I promise, Hermione," the voice replied earnestly.

"Well, your best is going to have to do. Good night," the witch said, snuggling down into the covers and curling around the stiff Potions master.

The author quietly withdrew, having nothing more to say.

Severus lay there, feeling Hermione's warm body curled around his back. Finally he spoke.

"It's a good thing I'm a fictional character, or else I'd curse the whole blasted lot of them into little wriggling pieces," he griped as Hermione leaned over and kissed his pale cheek. "The randy little . . . "

"Go to sleep, Severus," she said softly, "maybe . . . maybe it'll be fun."

The wizard snorted. Then he thought about the 'Giddyup."

"Maybe it will be," he breathed, turning and drawing Hermione into his arms, getting an immediate erection which he pressed against her belly lustfully.

Hell, if he were to be subjected to the lusts and whims of yet another author, he might as well get started.

THE END

A/N: Yes, I've decide to return to HG/SS formally, not that I've ever left completely . . . not with the little one-shots that have been popping out, not to mention the crossover, "Heroes." I realized I couldn't leave them. I love them too much. I don't know when I'll actually pick up where I left off, but I do intend to. Thanks for reading, ya'll.