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Shame

He was very familiar with that feeling. It was the only feeling he felt he was allowed to feel. It was like a punishment for being so different. He should be ashamed of himself for being what he was. That's what he had been taught and that was what he had learned. He was ashamed--so ashamed. But he wanted to get better. He wanted to be someone people could tolerate--even be proud of. He wanted them to look at him and acknowledge him and be glad that he was walking the streets with them. Instead, though, he was nothing but a failure. So he sat up in the belltower and never showed his face so as to hide the awful shame that he was. But the worst feeling, accompanying the shame and making it sting more and more, was worthlessness.

Quasimodo's hand slid along the cold stones that lined the wall as he made his way down the long, spiral staircase. Both he and Sophia took the steps one at a time, moving at an almost slow pace. He simply didn't want to push her too hard, but Sophie was fine with the steady pace. She felt that the time was readying her for what could be the biggest change in her young life of seventeen years. She couldn't believe that she might finally be able to break away from what she had been struggling to escape from the beginning. It was exhilarating, but, of course, it was also very frightening, and though Quasimodo didn't know anything about her past, he could see that this was a big deal for her.

He glanced back at her a few times to make sure she was still behind him. The cathedral was, after all, enormous on the inside as well as on the outside. It wasn't hard to picture someone as small as her losing herself in the cavernous belly of Notre Dame. He could just see her wondering around in one of the many vast, stone rooms. Quasimodo didn't think it was unlikely that she would take a wrong turn. It was obvious from looking at her face that she was too wrapped up in her thoughts to really be paying attention to where she was going. Her eyes stared straight in front of her, looking distant in the flicker of the light coming from the torches that lined the walls.

Suddenly, Quasimodo came to a stop at the very bottom step, halting their procession abruptly. Sophie, who was entirely unaware of this, continued to walk, running into the hunchback with a small 'oof!' of dazed surprise. She shook her head slowly as if waking herself up. Then, the short girl glanced up at Quasimodo questioningly, catching up to the turn of events quickly.

"Oh! Sorry,"she said with a smile, appearing at his side. She looked out at the room the staircase led to, wondering why they had stopped.

The stairs stopped abruptly at a marble floor that spread in all directions to the stone walls of the great cathedral. It appeared solemn and quiet as if a greater power was at work there. Sculptures of saints, Mary, and Jesus lined the walls, their profiles cut sharply from granite. It made Sophie feel as if they were watching her, judging her every action. She felt as if they knew everything about her--all that was, all that she had been, and all that she would be. This, coupled with the massive, stone pillars that lined the monstrous hall, made her feel smaller than ever. She almost felt like a little child who had been caught doing something wrong and was now awaiting judgment from a teacher.

Unconsciously, Sophie edged back into the safety of the staircase. Again, she lightly brushed against Quasimodo, making her remember suddenly that he was still standing beside her. She pulled back slightly, embarassed that she had been acting so silly in front of someone. It was just a room, after all. She felt incredibly self-conscious.

"It's magnificent, isn't it?"Quasimodo asked quietly, gazing out at the room before him. He positioned himself at the corner of the wall, making sure that he was partly hidden behind it. He peered out from behind it, his hand resting in front of him as he looked out at it with wonder.

Sophie looked at it again, keeping her eyes trained on the floor this time.

"Yes,"she whispered softly,"Yes, it is." Self-consciously, she wrapped her arms around herself as if she had suddenly grown cold. She wondered if she was being ridiculous.

"But...it's scary, too."

Sophie looked over Quasimodo curiously, a hint of surprise and wonder on her face. His voice had been almost inaudible, but she had heard him finish his sentence. He never stopped amazing her. The hunchback wasn't like anybody she had ever met before--and she was glad, too.

Somehow, just the fact that he was standing next to her gave her strength. This feeling was something new to her--the feeling that she wasn't completely alone in what she thought and felt. Quasimodo had no idea how much it meant to her that he didn't think that what she was feeling was entirely irrational and silly. It gave her courage...more than she had had in a long time.

"I...which one is the Archdeacon?"she asked, peering out at all the robed figures walking back and forth across the great floor. There were many of them filing along in a procession alongside the stone pillars that lined their way. To Sophie's left, she could see a large assortment of people kneeling and praying quietly to themselves, but they were people she passed everyday on the street. Somehow, she figured that she would recognize the Archdeacon when she saw him.

Quasimodo scanned the inside of the great cathedral carefully as Sophie watched him inquisitively. She poked her head out slightly, trying to follow his gaze as he searched for who they were looking for. Suddenly, the hunchback pointed out a white robed man by a row of softly glowing candles.

"There he is."

Sophie peeked out at him curiously, nervously playing with the hem of her dress as she did. She reviewed a thousand different conversations with the Archdeacon in her mind, spurning them one by one. What is he going to say? What if I bother him? Oh no...It'll be my fault if he says no! But he can't say no! He just can't! Without thinking about it, Sophie tightened her grip on her dress out of anxiety. She didn't realize that the worry was clearly showing on her face. Quasimodo thought she looked so desperate at that moment that he nearly opened his mouth to say something to her. Before he could, though, the small girl took a step out into the vast room.

Sophie took a deep breath, feeling as if she was doomed to fail from the start and that this was just something she had to get over with. She vaguely wondered if he would be like her own grandfather. She could see his snowy white hair on either side of his cap and had a sudden strange feeling that he might. It made her feel a little better about what she was about to do. She took one last glance at the statues leering down at her with their cold, stone eyes and then turned back to Quasimodo, who had retreated back into the staircase even further.

"Well...I guess we can't stand around here all day,"she stated, laughing slightly. It was still clear that she was nervous, but her clumsy attempt at lightening the mood made Quasimodo smile. But then, slowly, it slid into a frown, and the hunchback hid his face against the wall out of shame.

"I...I can't...go out there."

He said it so quietly it could have been a whisper. His voice was sad...subdued, and something about it made Sophie think that he couldn't go out there for some reason other than that he was simply a little scared. Slowly, the girl stepped closer to Quasimodo, leaning down so she could see his face.

"Quasimodo...why not?"she inquired gently. Her bright green eyes watched him inquisitively and the hunchback never once thought of lying to her. He turned his head away further, pressing his fingers together anxiously.

"Frollo,"he whispered quietly. There was something so submissive in the way Quasimodo had said it that Sophie instantly had a sense of foreboding about the person. She knew the feeling of having a person who made her feel like everything she did was shameful and unwanted.

"Frollo?"she prodded softly. Now there was a touch of worry in her expression.

"He...he's my master." Sophie frowned at the word, and Quasimodo could have sworn he saw her green eyes flicker for an instant, as if a spark of anger had ignited somewhere within her. The hunchback lifted his head up suddenly, rushing to rephrase his words so as not to harm Frollo's image in any way. Even if Frollo was cruel to him sometimes, Quasimodo didn't realize it or just assumed that it was the price to pay for being as hideous as he was. The best way to describe Quasimodo's feelings for the cold priest was gratitude.

"But! But, he's not...um...b-bad or anything! I mean--!" Quasimodo rushed to explain, appearing frantic in his attempt to show how grateful he was to Frollo,"He's a very kind man! He took care of me and raised me all by himself. H-he looks out for me."

The hunchback peered up at Sophie self-consciously, and was relieved to see that she was smiling gently at him--reassuringly. But he could still sense the frown hovering behind her facial features. There was a question that was still hanging in the air above them, and he knew what it was.

But why can't you show yourself out there?

Before Sophie could put the question into words, Quasimodo provided her with the answer.

"He doesn't want people to see me,"he whispered. Because I embarass him. He doesn't want to be seen with the likes of me. Quasimodo felt the familiar shame return to him--that burning shame that always crept up on him. The hunchback had kept his eyes locked on Sophie's face up until now, but, to his surprise, she was the one who looked away. He watched as her face underwent a series of expressions--many of them too difficult to read. One thing he noticed, though, was pain. She tried to hide it as she always did, but he thought he could see it. He saw her bite her lip, and Quasimodo was alarmed that she might cry, but soon, she turned back around once she had gotten control of her expression. Gently, she laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay, Quasimodo,"she whispered,"I understand." He saw another flash in her eyes before she took a step forward and started toward the Archdeacon. He wondered if she had left quickly so he wouldn't see what was going on behind those brilliant green eyes. Because, when she had said 'I understand', Quasimodo felt in the bottom of his heart that she had said it not just to tell him that it was okay if he stayed behind, but also because she really did understand. As he watched her grow smaller and smaller as she walked further and further away, he couldn't help but wonder who didn't want her to be seen and who it was that made her feel ashamed. Who is it that makes her feel worthless? Who would look at her and think of her as nothing more than...

Shame.

Disclaimer!:

FredGeorgeWazlib: Psst! Hey! Reader over there! Come here...quietly! Okay. Here's the deal. I don't want Hugo to know I'm doing another disclaimer so please keep it down. The point is I do not own anyone from the Hunchback of Notre Dame which includes Frollo, Quasi, Esmeralda, Phoebus, Hugo, Laverne, Victor, Djali, the Archdeacon, or Clopin. So, anyways, thank you for coming and--

Hugo: Aha! There you are! I've got you now! You thought you could leave me out of yet another story, didn't you?

FredGeorgeWazlib: Oh, jeez.

Hugo: Well guess what! You thought wrong!

FredGeorgeWazlib: LAVEEEEEERNE! Hugo called you a grouchy, old, devil woman!

Laverne: WHAT!?

Hugo: What? What!? I did not! Hey! Wait, Laverne! I didn't--OW!

FredGeorgeWazlib: :D See you later, everyone!

For some reason, I felt like this one was kind of short. Sorry if it was. My dad wasn't sharing the computer, though...okay, so maybe I wasn't sharing and he finally kicked me off. I'd also like to thank Opaque Opal and Phantom's Ange for reviewing. And reading, of course. Thanks very much!