Dear Diary,
My heart's breaking. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to. I've been in Korea for almost a year now, and yet I've never felt as helpless as I do this moment.
I want my sister here to tell me everything's okay; but its not, and she's not. I stand in the compound and I want to scream; but I don't, I just stand there feeling anguish so strong I'm surprised it doesn't consume me. I want to cry and complain about how wrong everything is, how I shouldn't be here, I should be home; but not a tear falls and not a word escapes my comatose lips. Why isn't the world shaking with my fury? How is the world passing by without a mourned moment? The wounded keep pouring in and I feel as though only I have changed. I know I could talk to Margaret or to Colonel Potter, but I don't. I want to tell someone so badly; but I don't. I don't want to see the pity in their eyes. I don't want them to think of me as less. I want to say these words, but I don't want anyone to hear them. So I keep my mouth sealed… and I hate myself for it.
Addison Morgan had been in Korea for 4 months and 12 days. Life was no longer a whirl of activity that she could barely keep up with, and adjustment was past her. Which was why despite the emotional turmoil she was going through the words: incoming wounded, neither angered or surprised her in the least. She had been up for hours; but even having reasonably warm water, having been up before anyone had used it all, had done little to wake her.
She ran over to the jeeps quickly, the brisk morning air feeling like a godsend and having to run at 6 am feeling like a wakeup call that she needed if she was going to face the never ebbing tide of young boys in agony. For the first time in a long time her work was a relief, more than usually any way. It was a relief to send her conscious mind away and let focus overtake the pain. She worked quickly and well; but too asleep to pay any heed to the conversation going on.
Despite her full concentration, a week of poor sleep was finally catching up with her. Major Winchester finally remarked on it.
"Morgan, I understand that Korea hardly provides ideal sleeping conditions; but I must insist you pay attention enough to hear me when I use the word: suction."
"Sorry major." Addi felt her cheeks flush red and she felt as flustered as when she'd first arrived. Hadn't he learned yet that pointing out her flaws only made her nervous?
"Honestly Morgan, be reasonable!" Hawkeye said from across the room. "Forget about the patient; just make sure you can hear Charles when he talks!"
"He gets cranky if you don't give him enough attention," BJ added.
"That and if he doesn't have his juice," Hawkeye added. Addi was grateful for her mask as she smiled.
"Captain Pierce, as skilled as I am I can hardly do the job of surgeon and nurse," Charles said calmly. Addi felt a surge of resentment both for his comment and how unflustered he always appeared.
"Unless it means talking enough for the both of you," BJ quipped without hesitation.
"And not that you wouldn't try if you could," Hawkeye agreed. Addi smiled and glanced up at Major Winchester, regretting it as he saw her eyes and the unconcealed smile.
"Morgan if you feel that my skills are lacking perhaps you would be so kind as to offer some pointers."
"Can it Winchester!" Potter ordered. Addi was grateful; but her anger surged.
"I'm sorry Major. I just didn't get much sleep last night," she defended herself.
"One night's sleep lost hardly qualifies for buffoonery." Addi's jaw dropped.
"Who are you calling a buffoon?!" she said looking him in the eyes. "As poor as your skills are, I'm not rude and unprofessional enough to comment on it; and you missed some shrapnel, major," she stretched the word mockingly. Addi could barely believe the words had come from her own mouth when Major Winchester looked up at her in shock. She grew increasingly aware of how everyone stopped talking and looked at her. Her face flushed even worse; but luckily Colonel Potter acted quickly.
"That's it! Kelly switch patients with Morgan." Addi could have kissed Potter for that save as she turned and pulled off her gloves without a glance at Winchester.
"Musical nurses, I love this game," BJ said sounding unperturbed. It seemed as though everyone was on her side and she could have kissed BJ because the room filled with the usual chatter. Kelly winked at her as she passed and she smiled back as well as she could manage, not very. She ignored everyone's gazes as she put on new gloves. Then, carefully, making sure no one saw, she swept impatiently at her eyes with her apron and stood across from Captain Pierce.
"I've always been aware of Charles's aptitude for buffoonery. I just never thought I'd hear it from you," he said appreciatively after things got back to normal. Addi flushed.
"I can't believe I said that; but he didn't have to embarrass me like that," she added.
"Well what's he supposed to do? If he's not pointing out everyone else's faults they might start to look at his surgery." Addi laughed.
"Or his hair, or the lack of." She added thoughtlessly and did a double take when she swore she saw Hawkeye smile.
Hawkeye was gentle in his orders, not that Addi let herself make another mistake. Her focus found a new outlet anyways; Addi was astounded by Hawkeye's work. Any stitches were neat and tidy and she was sure that Hawkeye never missed a fragment.
When the tide of patients finally died away she and Hawkeye were the second to last pair relieved (BJ and Margaret doing a particularly tricky surgery). They walked into the other room and pulled off their scrubs.
"You alright Morgan?" Hawkeye asked.
Addi was caught off guard and was glad she was turned away from him. She quickly resumed tying her shoes. "Call me Addi, and course I'm fine."
"You sure?" he asked.
She swallowed. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, with what happened with Charles and everything…"
"Hey don't tell me you've never told him off. You're just mad I got to it first."
"And quite impressively I agree; but…"
"Hawk," she turned and offered her best smile. "I'm just tired." She was surprised by his determination.
"I've seen you tired Addi. I've seen everyone here tired. I've just never seen you raise your voice at stubbing your toe or when the rain starts exploding." Addi shrugged, feeling as though he could see right through her.
"Don't know what to tell you Captain," he looked a little hurt. So she turned before he could say anything and strode out of the room quickly. When she was sure he was out of sight she started to run, away, out of the camp, she wanted to run until her legs collapsed from under her. Her anger at herself grew because a perfectly good chance to confide in someone and explain herself had been skillfully shooed away. It wouldn't be hard. She was quiet it was true, she didn't mind solitude as much as some; but she was very well liked among the nurses and other staff. So why couldn't she open her mouth?
Hawkeye turned the corner and saw the cloud of dirt in her wake and the glint of a little leftover sunlight catching her hair. He was right, something more than a lost night of sleep, was definitely wrong with the 4077th's quietest nurse.
Dear Diary,
I've made up my mind not to say a word about the incident. I don't want to talk about it. I've always been that way, right? No one (short of Major Winchester) really notices that I'm a little more quiet than usual. But that's not their fault; I'm just too good at playing the part. I think a few of the nurses suspected something after my spat with Major Winchester; but I played the champion, in stead of embarrassed, and they all smiled. The rest asked retellings of my now heroic feat. It's not their fault I don't want them to know.
But I'm forgetting, Captain Pierce said something after surgery. He must have caught on after I was so brave to telling off Winchester. I suppose I was sort of embarrassed to be caught so unexpectedly and my performance must have been off slightly because he didn't let up. Then again who would blame me? I never really noticed before; but he's a pretty imposing guy: really tall, has this direct way of looking at you, and maybe more observant than I gave him credit for. How could I have seen all that when usually he's just cracking jokes?
I never really noticed him before. Sure I've seen him flirt with the nurses before, along with his old buddy Trapper. When I was new they were certainly less than subtle; but I smiled and told them I wasn't interested, maintaining as much dignity as I had, and they faded away.
But I don't need to tell this book about my quiet nature, or about how when I've made up my mind that's the last thought on the subject. This means that I will convince Hawkeye that he is wrong; even though he is righter than I will ever let him know.
Addi took her early morning shower; but waited before going to the mess tent, well aware that Hawkeye usually took his breakfast around noon. So she waited until the popular hour and had breakfast with the nurses. She enthralled herself in the conversation, and with her casual nature and quick wit, soon had the nurses laughing at her jokes and agreeing with her vigorously. Only once did she glance over Hawkeye, two tables over. He was talking to BJ, Margaret, Potter, and Charles who were as interested in what he had to say as the nurses to her.
When Hawkeye left the mess tent, thankfully without BJ as an escort, she congenially made her exit.
"Sleep well?" she asked in a perky voice, walking up next to him with a smile.
"Fine, fine," Hawkeye said pleasantly as he watched her closely. "And you?"
"Fabulously. I'm afraid you will have to find a new source of entertainment, because the morning is too perfect for me to spend telling off Major Winchester."
"Oh that's a shame," Hawkeye smiled. "You seem fixed on convincing me that there's nothing wrong," he added smoothly.
"Of course," Addi smiled. "You're concern was touching and I wanted to assure you that I had not suffered any long term damage from a lack of sleep."
"Oh," Hawkeye nodded. "You know it wasn't your little spat with Major Winchester that made me think something was wrong."
"Then what?" Addi inquired as her heart's beating grew irregular.
"Every Thursday morning when Margaret takes over my shift in Post Op and I walk back to the swamp, I walk past the shower. And every Thursday morning without fail, I can hear you singing as I walk past." Addi stopped walking and surveyed Hawkeye's face carefully. "You haven't been singing in two weeks." As she realized he was serious, she was both embarrassed and outraged. "Don't be embarrassed. You're very good, good taste."
"How very clever of you," Addi said in an even more sugar coated tone as she started walking again. Hawkeye fell into lazy step beside her. It was easy for him to keep up with her regular walking at a slow amble.
"I thought so," Hawkeye smiled and stopped walking. Addi stopped too, watching him with piercing eyes with a pleasant smile. "Addi, if you ever need to talk…"
"Then Father Mulchahy's tent is always open, I know," she smiled.
"Father Mulchahy is always a safe bet; but sometimes his bible verses get a little old. I know its not easy being here." His voice grew more serious than she'd ever heard it. "If you ever need to talk than I know this surgeon from your neck of the woods who's got a real ear for listening, when he can get his foot out of his mouth."
"Yeah, I've heard of him." Addi said overly sweet. "Tall surgeon, real observant, a real comedian. Yeah, he definitely has no problems saying exactly what's on his mind…or what he thinks is on anyone else's."
"He's a pretty clever guy." Addi's expression softened infinitesimally. Hawkeye's smile was so caring; he seemed as if he really was concerned. For a second she feared it would all come spilling out.
"Hawk, why should you care? Even if something was wrong," the words came out in a tumble in her rush to free them. "Even if something were bothering me; why would you care?"
"This crummy war feels like it's been going on forever. If we don't help each other through it…" he trailed off and shrugged. "There have been a lot of people who have gone through here and have been there when I've needed it. You'd be surprised how much I care about this place and the people in it."
"The women in it," Addi found herself adding.
Hawkeye smiled and waved his finger at her with mock disaproval. "Now you see what you did there? You just ruined my speech." Addi smiled, and they started walking again.
"Sorry."
Hawkeye nudged her with his shoulder. "Rat." Addi nudged him back, still trying to think of an appropriate retort when they came to her tent and Hawkeye stopped again.
"But really Addi, if you ever need to talk to someone, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal. Dr. Pierce's counseling center is open at all hours, arguably conveniently located in the swamp, and always good for a much needed belt, if you don't mind not being able to see for hours after." Addi laughed despite herself. "I promise I'll even keep the innuendo to a minimal if it'll make you happy."
"How considerate of you."
"Or if the Swamp is too public for you then we could always convene in your tent or a storage closet for maximum privacy." He added without a hint of a smile. Addi's jaw dropped slightly. She shook her head exhaustedly.
"Should have known, talk to a womanizer and you're gonna get ulterior motives." She sighed, and went inside her tent without turning back to look at Hawkeye. She reached for her diary reflexively. It was when she saw that her hands were shaking slightly that she blushed and put it away.
"What do you know about Addison Morgan?" Hawkeye asked BJ later that night in the swamp.
"Oh, that argument in surgery?" BJ shrugged. "Called Addi, smiles a lot, laughs a lot, kinda quiet; but nice girl. Why?" Hawkeye shrugged. BJ looked over his shoulder. "You sweet on her?"
"Nah," Hawkeye shook his head. "She's been here four months and I just realized I hardly know her at all."
"She keeps to herself mostly. Nice girl though. Once I was half asleep at the table and she snuck me in a cup of coffee; and not just the mess tent stuff. She said it was some instant powder she got from home." BJ was salivating at the thought. "Best coffee I've had in a long time. I tried to thank her for it; but she just smiled, said it was no big deal, and was glad that it kept me awake. Then she never mentioned it again." Hawkeye smiled. So she wasn't as oblivious to helping people as she pretended. "If you really want to know, ask the nurses. They can tell you more than I can."
"What do you know about Addison Morgan?"
Major Hoolihan looked over at him suspiciously. "Why?"
"Just curious." Hawkeye tried his best to look innocent which was hard when he was born with a guilty face.
Margaret seemed to decide he was no major threat. "Well, for one thing, she's far too nice to be interested in a shmo like you."
"Flattery won't stop me Margaret."
"She's a smart girl, excellent nurse, takes orders well."
"Yeah; but what's she like as a person?" Margaret had to think for a minute before giving a carefully though out response. "She seems sort of quiet; but when you can get her to talk to you, you can see just how spirited a person she is. Every now and again I'll see her on a morning jog and she'll come over to me, ask me how I'm doing, and you can tell she's really interested." Margaret had a look in her eye the Hawkeye could only call respecting, she snapped out of it. "Not that I'd expect you to understand that."
"Oh and when have I ever been disinterested?" Margaret opened her mouth to respond and Hawkeye walked away, then ducked as a shoe sailed past his head.
"Colonel Potter?" Hawkeye asked, sipping a glass of brandy when Klinger left to go to sleep.
"Yeah son?" he asked, sounding more than a little tired.
"What do you know about Addison Morgan?" Hawkeye inquired.
Colonel Potter looked surprised. "Nice girl."
Hawkeye let out a humorless laugh. "That all anyone knows about her?"
"She's a quiet sort of girl, keeps to herself mostly; but she's never at a loss when there's work that needs doing."
"Yeah, yeah," he said quickly. "I know all that. What can you tell me about her personality?"
Colonel Potter thought for a moment. "Once when we were absolutely flooded with casualties on the helicopter pad we loaded up the jeeps with as many liters as they could carry; but we couldn't find room for one more. It was just one; but we were going to have to make a second trip. When we were prepping them for OR I saw her and another nurse lugging that boy down the hill and across the compound without being asked and without a word about it, almost like it was an afterthought. In all the hustle and bustle I think I was the only one who noticed; but she never said a word about it. She'll do you a million favors and never tell a soul that one." Potter swallowed the last of his whiskey with Hawkeye staring off into space contemplatively.
Dear Diary,
The compound seems to be getting smaller, because no matter where I turn Hawkeye Pierce seems to be standing there. I've been avoiding him passionately and yet it seems I see him more than ever. He must be trying to do this on purpose because all I know is three days ago I barely recognized his existence. Yesterday I practically ran right into him in Post Op. Even so I've been hightailing it out of wherever he is. If nothing else, at least this game of cat and mouse has been keeping my mind off things at home. Even if I did have to change my shower time
Addi looked up and shoved her pen and diary under her pillow as she ran into the compound, the words: incoming wounded, ringing in her head.
It was hard; but for six hours of surgery Addi had managed to avoid Hawkeye altogether. She was buddied up with Colonel Potter for surgery and when they finished she raced out of OR as quickly as she could; and nearly smacked right into BJ.
"Woah, where's the fire?" BJ asked.
"Um, check the kitchen, the permanent taste of burning must come from something. Then again, maybe it's just trying to burn away my taste buds." BJ smiled and gestured at the path to her tent.
"May I have this walk Addi?" he asked.
Addi smiled. "You know I always save the last walk for you." They started walking. The stars were out and Addi was ready to go to sleep. "So how are things?" she asked.
"Things are going well. My wife's sending me color swatches in the mail, wants to do some painting. What is your opinion on mauve?"
"Don't ask me, army hues have permanently impaired my ability to see real color."
"Oh well, I have a way of figuring these things out. It involves the swatches and a dart board." Addi laughed. "So how are you doing Addi?" BJ asked conventionally; but she could practically feel his eyes trying to pry her apart at the seams. She smiled reflexively.
"I'm doing well. That is as well as someone can be doing at," she pulled back her sleeve to glance at her watch and made a pained noise, "at 2 am."
"You sure," BJ pushed, still trying to be congenial.
Addi laughed hollowly, tiring of answering that question. "Is this about OR the other day?"
BJ shrugged, "maybe."
"Did Captain Pierce say something?"
"A little suspicious aren't you?" BJ asked.
"Look Captain Honeycutt nothing's wrong. I really appreciate your concern; but I'm fine."
"You know what fine means don't you?" he asked. Addi looked at him questioningly. "Fearful, insane, neurotic, and emotional."
"Ha ha," Addi said humorlessly. "I mean look at me," she smiled, "I'm paralyzed."
BJ laughed. "Well fine means something a little different for everyone. You can never really tell how people show what they're feeling. BJ stopped as they passed the Mess Tent. "Addi, just know," he put a hand on her shoulder, "if you ever need something, just to talk even, we're all here for you."
"I'll bear that in mind," Addi forced another smile, feeling that it was her weakest one yet. She found herself treading guilt at the moment. Lying to Pierce seemed to be one thing, constantly having to worry about his ulterior motives perhaps being a part of it; but BJ who was such a nice guy… It felt wrong, as though she were undercutting his friendship.
"Can I interest you in some food poisoning?" he asked.
"I'll pass. I don't even feel safe eating that stuff in a hospital."
"Alright, sleep well."
"Night Honeycutt."
Addison tossed and turned all night, barely managing to close her eyes for more than 10 minutes at a time. Around 8 she finally dozed off and slept late into the morning to be awakened by knocking at her door. She groaned, and rolled under the covers. Her hands brushed the clothes she had fallen asleep in. "Yes?" she called out.
"May I come in?" It sounded like Major Hoolihan. Addi sat up and combed through her hair with her fingers as she walked over to the door.
"Major," she greeted with surprise upon opening the door.
"Morgan I was hoping you could cover an OR shift tomorrow morning while Keli is on R&R."
"Sure, no problem." Addi smiled as best she could, brushing a hand across her face and down her neck.
"I can always count on you Morgan."
"That's what I'm here for." Addi said, surprised at the unwarranted compliment.
"No, I really mean it. Whenever things get tough I can always count on you to pick up some slack with a smile."
"Um… thank you Major." Addi bit off asking if she was feeling alright.
"And you know Addi," Addi looked up at the use of not only her first name; but her nickname. She and Margaret had always gotten along alright. Though there had always been that difference in ambition that prevented them from being…more than comrades. "If you ever need to talk about something," Addi almost groaned out rightly; but bit it off with a ranking officer. "Realize that we're all here for you and we'd never think the less of you about anything."
"Thank you Major," Addi said feigning surprise at the words as well as she could. Margaret smiled and left. Addi rolled her eyes when she was out of sight. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate what she had done or said. It meant a lot to her that Major Hoolihan would be so personal with her. If it had been just the major saying it she probably would have broken down and confessed everything; but it was all overpowered by her exhaustion and irritation at anyone saying anything, let alone everyone.
Addi showered, keeping her lips sealed, and hung up her laundry, wiping at her eyes every few minutes.
"Tired Addison?" Colonel Potter asked when her head started drooping as she dropped off letters to Klinger in the office.
"Just a little. I don't think any of us got any real sleep after those casualties…I guess it was this morning." Colonel Potter nodded.
"You're telling me," Klinger added. He passed into Potter's office. Addi could tell at a glance from Colonel Potter's awkward posture and expression that he had every intent to pursue what everyone else had been.
"So how are things at home Colonel?" Addi asked brightly, staving off the question casually.
"Fine, fine," Potter said smoothly. "The neighbor's dog had puppies and Mildred's been up all hours of the night helping to feed them." Addi smiled. "Speaking of a lack of sleep, is there any particular reason…"
"Oh colonel I forgot to tell Major Hoolihan I could cover for Kelli tomorrow morning. Hold that thought will you?" Addi practically sprinted from the office.
Dear Diary,
I can't escape this lie anymore! Everywhere I turn everything that's ever been safe and distant is now an odious reminder! I've forgotten every reason for not telling people what happened and now it's too late. If I explain now then everyone will know that I lied, to BJ, to Hawkeye. I realize now that it was lie. The whole terrible business was me lying about being alright. I thought that if I didn't talk about it the whole thing might go away faster; but now it's everywhere! This mess has found me in Korea, coming all the way from home. The world feels so small, even this little camp is just a million little ways to torment and remind me of what's happened. And I can't help; but feel that it's all because of Pierce.
If he hadn't discovered my lie, or at least not said anything to the others, my secret would be far in my past. Everything could be over now. I thought things were bad before; but things are worse now then ever. I want to walk out into the compound and scream; but I still lie when everyone, and it is everyone, asks me how I'm doing, and I've no intent to speak the truth. My mother used to say: crying is like throwing up. When there's something on the inside that's making you sick then you have to bring it out. Pretty disgusting simile; but she's right, and yet I can't find the courage in me to shed a tear. What's wrong with me? This has all gone too far and it's tearing me apart. When does something like this start to fade away? I keep holding out saying to myself 'it has to get better soon'; but soon seems so far away. How much longer?! If I at least knew that this torment would end eventually it might not be so unbearable.
Who am I kidding? This ends the day the war does… the day that pigs fly.
I'm working two shifts in the next day: one after dinner until midnight, when BJ relieves me, then the 6 am to noon for Kelli. Half of me wants to crawl into bed and forget all about them; but I'm hoping with a shift behind me and another ahead that need will overpower the fact that I haven't slept right in a week. Sigh, I better get going.
Addi with nothing better to do, left for her shift early. She took a long meandering path around the Swamp and the Mess Tent, not very hungry, and still made it to her shift early. BJ noticed.
"You're early," he remarked.
"I'm just so excited," Addi said through a yawn. "I thought you were working the graveyard."
"I traded Hawk 2 of his evenings for one of my graveyards." Addi made sure to regulate her expression. Hawkeye was coming.
"Alright, I'm going to go grab some dinner."
"I'll keep a bed open for you." BJ grinned.
Post OP was fairly boring which was a relief. Addi helped a man with two splinted arms eat dinner while the other half dozen patients were asleep. Addi hadn't noticed herself yawning or rubbing her eyes much; but she must have been because the patient finally commented on it. He was pleasant to talk to; but soon he fell back asleep. Addi wished he could have stayed awake. It was so hard to keep her eyes open without someone to talk to. Then she discovered that if her mind was occupied it was easier to stay conscious. So she reorganized plasma, folded a messy pile of sheets, caught up on paperwork, and swept out Post OP. At 10:45 she was exhausted, and forced to acknowledge there was nothing left to do. She wished vacantly that Major Hoolihan didn't make them run such a tight ship.
Addi's head was pounding as she sat down at the desk. Hawkeye was coming; she couldn't look dead on her feet. Addi could just picture herself: her red rimmed eyes covered by puffy and drooping eyelids, her expression bland, probably swaying on her feet, and of course a dull listless look in her eyes. Oh how was she going to hide this from Hawkeye? He would know instantly, and who could predict what this round of inquisition could set off? When she was so exhausted how could she even trust herself to keep a secret?
Addi slumped her head to the desk, feeling closer to tears then she had all this time. She tapped her forehead against the desk's surface chanting, "wake up, wake up, wake up." It helped for just a minute until she stopped and then couldn't find it in herself to raise her head from the desk.
Maybe if she dozed off for just a minute. Then she might appear refreshed enough when Hawkeye came around. Just a moment's shut eye. Who knew if she would even be able to fall asleep anyways?
"Hey," a deep and pleasant voice whispered in her ear. There was a large; but gentle hand on her shoulder, shaking her awake. Only the moonlight shinning in through the windows illuminated Post Op in the least. Addi brushed her hair out of her face and sat up. So much for "a moment's shut eye."
"Sorry, guess I dozed off," Addi said softly, righting her clothing.
"Not sleeping well?" This time Addi was conscious enough that she recognized the voice, and, turning, its owner in the half light. She stood and brushed past Hawkeye to one of the patients.
"Oh contraire, I slept quite well," she said when he refused to stop staring at her, silently standing his ground. When she saw him open his mouth out of her periphery vision she spoke. "This one's blood pressure isn't doing so hot. You might have to give him a transfusion before morning." She had to force her eyes open and focus hard on not revealing her exhaustion.
"Morgan…"
"Addi," she snapped. One of the patients rolled over and moaned softly in his sleep.
"Can I speak to you outside?" Hawkeye asked. Addi wanted to yell 'no' like a little girl and run from the room; but calmly she put down a chart and swept into the Post OP's little antechamber.
"What do you need Pierce?" she asked, more tiredly than rudely. She was upset at the brighter lighting, which revealed more of her tired features.
"Uh uh," Hawkeye said like he was scolding a small child. "It's Hawkeye or your name is Morgan."
"Fine Hawkeye, what do you want?" she said, too tired to argue. When Hawkeye seemed to realize that he continued quietly.
"You don't like me much do you Addi?" Addi sighed.
"Hawk I think it's pretty obvious that I don't like anyone that's not pillow top right now." Hawkeye was quiet for a minute.
"I can prescribe you a sedative or a sleeping pill if it will help."
Addi shook her head. "No I need to be back here in 6…" she looked at her watch and groaned, "5 hours."
"Addi there's no problem with asking for help when you need it. That's what friends are for," Hawkeye said exasperatedly.
"Hawk I don't want to talk about this," Addi tried to brush past him back into Post OP; but he grabbed at her elbow, gently but firmly.
"Addi that's just the problem, you don't want to talk about anything. I don't think you'd talk to your own mother about something if you thought it would inconvenience her."
"Hawk it's nobody else's fault if I'm just unsociable."
"Unsociable? You're not unsociable you're self-destructive! You're running yourself into the ground so you don't have to tell somebody what's really going on!" Addi faced away from Hawkeye, willing herself not to cry. Her lip was trembling and the secret was bursting inside of her, growing larger and larger until she wasn't sure she could hold it anymore. Her eyes welled up; but not a tear broke from her eyes. Addi knew if she spilled one tear then the whole story would come pouring out; but they didn't. Her lips stayed sealed and her heart stayed heavy. She hated herself for it. She wanted to say something; but she was catatonic and only quaking breaths passed through her lips.
So suddenly she didn't understand it her unpredictable temper flared. "And what business of it is yours? You want to talk about self destructive? How about the fact that you'd convert to Catholicism if it meant sacrificial wine in church? Everyone's got their damage, why are you so intent on making me spill mine? My mother's sick, my uncle died, my sister's getting married? What does it matter what the actual answer is? We've all got things going on at home that we wish weren't happening, there's just nothing we can do about it! Sitting in Korea and crying my heart out won't fix what's going on, it'll only make things worse. So unless you can get me a discharge stay out of my business!"
When Addi stopped yelling her fists were clenched at her side, shaking slightly, and Hawkeye's face was unreadable. Guilt and horror at what she had just done consumed her. What had she done now? Yell at a ranking officer for his well mannered concern. Good God what was wrong with her? Hawkeye was calm and impassable. Addi crossed quickly past him to the door and signed out on the roster sheet, scribbling her name quickly and quite illegibly. Her fingers refused to work and Addi was grateful she was no surgeon.
"So it is something at home," Hawkeye said from the other door. Rage flared through Addi. Why couldn't she make him stop?
"Stop diagnosing me!" she yelled and before she realized it, threw the clip board in his direction, turning on her heel before she could see if it made it's mark. She hit the dirt of the compound and wanted to run so fast that she would soon leave Hawkeye and Korea, and all of her problems behind her.
Her body and mind were nothing but containment for the harsh and painful emotions that were filling her up and gradually drowning her. She felt trapped and everything was almost over her head. She wanted it all to stop. Was there no hope for tomorrow? Would all this never end? She could see no end in sight. Hawkeye, being the good friend that he was, would stop asking what was wrong. She would reject his and anyone else's help until they stopped offering it, and she would hate herself more and more with each passing day. It was not so much the original problem that even plagued her anymore; it was everything else, all the emotional residue of keeping the secret building up inside of her. All the lies, the lack of sleep, the hatred she felt towards herself, the anger, it was all compiling to destroy her; and she felt that her last hope had been sufficiently washed away.
Hawkeye, the good soul who had done so much to stop her from drowning. He was so right: she was completely self destructive, which was why she pushed away his help. She felt like bursting into tears as she realized that she probably had put him off for the last time. No one, not even as good a friend as Hawkeye Benjamin Pierce, would try to help her after this. She was doomed to become more and more sullen until she was entirely alone and hopeless, and it was all because she could say "help me." Hawkeye had given her so much, a little hope that someone still cared, she could see that now. But she had pushed it away so violently that surely even he wouldn't talk to her again.
Her breath was a quick wheeze as she tried to pull through the air to keep running. But she had to stop; she couldn't breathe. Her hands felt out holds on her bent knees as she shook; but her legs wouldn't hold her shaking frame. She toppled over and put a hand to her chest, she was choking on the air, trying to get it into her body. Her last hope was gone, she had pushed it away, not realizing it was the only thing that had kept her from drowning.
Her stomach twisted and if there had been any food in her body it wouldn't have stayed in her stomach long. Panic overwhelmed her as air seemed to escape her. She gagged and struggled to breathe and soon tears were slipping from her eyes. It wasn't the cascade she needed they were just individual tears falling like her body just didn't know what else she wanted it to do.
She sat on the ground for a half an hour, silently sobbing, cursing herself and hating everything she'd become. When she could breathe again she stood and wiped at her eyes. Hating herself with every step she stood and walked through the compound to her tent. She felt the tightness in her chest again as she realized that it would never end. Because even now, in her lowest hour all she did was cry, get back up, and get to business.
Dear Diary
There's nothing left to say
She scribbled the note and the date with her shaking fingers and collapsed into bed. Her slumber was deep, the kind of sleep she'd been daydreaming about for weeks; but every ten or fifteen minutes without fail she would wake up, feel like sobbing again, roll over, and spend another painful 5 minutes trying to go back to sleep.
The afternoon sun was shinning in her windows; but it had come so gradually she never noticed its significance. Her bedclothes and blankets were a mess from the tossing and turning of the night. She would have just dozed back off if she hadn't rolled over and reached out too late as the blankets fell off her bed. She groaned pitifully and rolled over anyways.
After a good ten minutes she was in the first stage of sleep. Her mind was blank, there was only a simple instinct to push as fiercely as she could at the memories of last night and consciousness in general. She followed the instinct dutifully and only a deep permeating sadness reached her, which was what kept her sane, until there was a knock on her door. Then everything came flooding back. As quick as a flash of lightening she remembered yelling at Hawkeye's kindness, spurning his compassion, and lying to major Hoolihan when she took Kelli's morning shift.
She shot out of bed, pushing off the ground with her hands as she nearly fell over. She wrenched open the door and ran into a brick wall. Her mind backed up a few steps confusedly. Addi belatedly recognized that it was not a wall; but in fact a person. She realized this as she computed there were arms around her torso, keeping her from falling. She squinted, still too tired to think properly, and eventually her brain managed to get a signal through to her feet: "MOVE!"
Hesitantly she took a step backward and the arms around her loosened. Then she took in Hawkeye's face. Addi was silent; there was nothing she could think to say. Her only coherent thought was that she might in fact, never speak again.
"Morning," Hawkeye helped. Addi opened her mouth and nodded. She swallowed and remembered where she was rushing off to. She pointed off towards Post Op and tried to arrange some words of explanation in her head. The fight for them wasn't going so well so she was grateful when Hawkeye supplanted her yet again.
"I told Major Hoolihan you weren't doing well. She told me that if you were you should have told her. Then she informed me to inform you that she would cover your shift personally; and that if you needed some help in the future that you should just ask for it. Addi was speechless; but her throat felt like it was closing off. She was unbelievably relieved to have a doctor with her this time, as the feeling returned.
Hawkeye was silent. He put a gentle hand at her elbow and led her back inside her own tent. Addi was too weak and tired to argue and she couldn't think enough to decide if it mattered. Hawkeye sat her on her bed, in which she was compliant, and reached into his pocket as he stood across from her. He bent towards her, pried open her hands and put two long white pills into her palm.
"If I tell Hoolihan and Potter what's really been going on they'll both have you taken off duty so fast it will make your head spin. So I'd suggest you take those and get some real sleep. If I feel like you're doing remotely alright when you wake up I'll consider keeping my mouth shut for longer."
Addi's mouth moved and her eyes welled with tears as the choking feeling came back, weaker this time. Hawkeye looked at her expectantly, and she closed her fist over the pills. "I didn't hit you with that clip board did I?" Addi asked worriedly. Hawkeye put on a grim smile.
"Don't worry: motor skills suffer with lack of sleep." It took Addi a moment to think through the comment. She looked up at him, slowly; but carefully. Addi felt as though she were really looking at him for the first time. It seemed his every feature were more permanent or had some characteristic she hadn't seen before. She knew his face and recognized him easily; but the sad compassion in his features had replaced the usual smirk. Addi swallowed again and worked these words out carefully.
"You'll never give up on me will you?" Addi expected a smart comment; but he just shook his head.
"Never." Addi felt her eyes swell with more tears and she gripped the pills in her hand so tightly that they hurt her hand. Hawkeye turned to leave and a sob escaped her as she surged towards him reflexively.
He turned and Addi wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his jacket. Hawkeye just held her back as she cried and with each sob it was like she had exhaled a breath she was unaware she had been holding. She cried, her body shaking; but Hawkeye was firm enough to keep her grounded in the real world. After a few minutes the sobs died away and Addi looked up.
"Hawkeye I'd like to tell you what's been happening to me these last few months."
Hawkeye gave no look or expression; but his voice sounded so honest. "I'd like to hear it."