So. What do you do when you start reading a new book series, find yourself simultaneously loving some bits of it and cheerfully mocking others and wondering what would happen if the writers of Blackadder, rather than Stephanie Meyers, had written said series?

Why, you write an AU of the book that's somewhere between a loving homage and a parody and you bump off sweet Bella Swan as the main character in favor of having Rosalie Hale as the far less credulous and far more snarky POV!

After all, lovely as Bella is, sometimes it's fun to have a bitch on heels with an axe to grind and an aversion to sparkles and sunshine as your protagonist. Which is why, with any luck, this new series is gong to be fun as hell to write in the next few weeks.

In any case, this is the first time I'm dipping my toes into a new fandom after spending a long time immersed in FFXII. Feedback is much appreciated here!

Title: Twitlight, Prologue
Fandom: Final Fantasy XII
Series: Twitlight
Characters/Pairings: Rosalie, Cast, Other Pairings TBA
Rating: Hard R, Later NC-17
Summary: Sometimes it takes a bitch on heels with an axe to grind and an aversion to sparkles and sunshine to get the job done. An AU of the first book with Rosalie being cast in Bella's place. Essentially, a series for people who both love and love to laugh at the series.
Note: Beware harsh language, sexual innuendo, later sexual actions, and the possibilities of insatiable vampire hunger being temporarily stopped by hard rubber ball gags later in the series.

If anyone had asked Rosalie Lillian Hale ahead of time about how she hoped to die, she'd have a few definite retorts prepared in her mind.

First, of course, she'd be tempted to smack the living squalling baby Ganesha right out whatever sick bastard asked her that question in the first place. What kind of conversation led to something like that, anyway? 'Hey, nice to meet you, how are you, how do you do, how are you planning to join the choir invisible and become an ex-person any day?' Unless a person made a point of hanging out in crypts for recreation anyway-- and right now, she unfortunately couldn't deny she'd been having out with a crowd that thought of that sort of thing as a typical Saturday night-- it didn't strike her as a normal (or even non-psychotic) conversational gambit.

But still, if someone had asked-- and she didn't immediately tell them to seek therapy for whatever bizarre brain chemistry fluctuations they must have been wallowing in to think that that as an appropriate topic for chit-chat-- she would probably have to admit to wanting to die at the ripe old age of ninety, surrounded by loving children and broken grand-children and probably some extremely potent bottles of liquor stashed around under her poufy old lady bed things.

She really hadn't expected to start pushing daisies at the ripe old age of seventeen, however, because of one tragic decision to relocate to the moist, damp, constantly cloudy arm-pit of America, one horrible mistake of attracting an insanely good looking-- as well as possibly insane-- immortal inamorata and one wrong step that led to being kidnapped by a vampire-vampire-hunter with a serious case of lock-jaw and a way of juggling sharp things that really, truly made her want to wet her already scrunched up panties.

"Ah fuck," Rosalie groaned. "I'm going to die young and I'm not even going to leave a pretty corpse. I thought that was the whole point of kicking the bucket in sort of way."

And with a flourish, the hunter before her gestured with near reptilian grace at the instruments in his hands now.

"Don't worry, darling," he murmured. "I'll do my best to the preserve the prettiest parts. Even a vampire can appreciate such mortal beauty."

And then, with another flourish, he sauntered forward with-- a smile on his face and malice in his heart and cutting blades gripped in his hands expertly.

Author's Note: Fun fact. I was going to name this series Twatlight at first but ceased and desisted only out of common decency. And yes, Rosalie is a bitch. But she's such an entertaining bitch. You have to give her that, if nothing else. ;)

A note on pairings-- I don't really have any yet. I thought it might be interesting to see Rosalie/Edward develop (and in a very different direction from Bella/Edward as well!)… but on the other hand, I do love me some Emmett as well. Er… any thoughts here? Pick one or the other? Or maybe try… combining them into some way, or something?

Also… feedback? Questions? Comments? Constructive criticism? All are always welcomed, since I'm nervous as hell at the thought of entering a new fandom. Encouragement is always welcome here!