Full Metal Panic – Sergeant Down

Chapter 9 – What Matters

Sousuke sat on his gray bunk flipping through an old magazine of AS Fan. He was finding it unusually hard to sleep, even though the only light in the room was a reading lamp. His nerves were getting the better of him, but it wasn't something that he had remembered ever experiencing before. He wasn't anxious because of a looming battle, or because his dreams were keeping him awake. No, it was something else, almost an excitement that he couldn't explain, or a heartache that refused to leave him alone. Biting his lip, he stared at a picture in the magazine without actually seeing it. Then there was a strong knock on his door. Looking over at the steel oval, he tiredly collected his voice and said very clearly, "Come in."

After a few seconds, the door swung open revealing someone he had not seen in a while.

"Sergeant Sagara, I heard you've been going through quite an interesting set of ordeals while I've been gone," said a stern Belfangan Clouseau.

"That depends on what you've heard, sir," said Sousuke putting down the magazine and looking at his superior officer. No matter how hard Sousuke tried to level with Clouseau, he just couldn't make himself like the man. Perhaps it had to do with the way that they were introduced, but he just couldn't make himself have very many positive feelings towards the man. He supposed that it came with the territory in the military when someone got replaced and some new guy tried to waltz in and fit into a dead man's shoes, but Sousuke never totally got used to it.

"Well you came back in a coma after a mission, didn't wake up for a long time, then you started having episodes… Dragged the entire de Dannan to base just to get you treated. You got a girlfriend, and then got transferred away from her by those intelligence guys. And while you're still recovering, a full air assault was launched on intelligence just at the same time you happen to be there…"

Sousuke looked at Clouseau suspiciously, "What are you trying to suggest?"

Clouseau shrugged, "Nothing really. Just that you're extremely unlucky at the moment. Mostly I came to see how you were holding up, though."

"I can't complain, sir. I'm alive after all."

"There were a lot of soldiers killed in that bombing, Sagara. You sure you're okay with that?"

"It felt different from battle to be honest. Nothing could be done by anyone there to stop it. Naturally, no one at the base was responsible for anyone else who got killed. It's not like that when I'm battling in Arbalest."

"So in other words, you don't really care if everyone dies, just as long as you know that you're not responsible?"

Sousuke frowned, "No. It just don't lose sleep over it unless I have a say in the outcome. If anyone is responsible for this, it's the Intelligence branch for not seeing this coming."

"So you think they deserved what they got?"

"No. I just think it's a possibility that had something played out differently, this could have been prevented."

Clouseau nodded, "Okay. That's all I wanted to know. Get some sleep, Sagara. The sub won't move any faster, even if you stay awake all night."

"Yes, sir. I'll keep that in mind."

Clouseau turned and walked out the door, closing the door behind him.

After another two hours, Sousuke lay down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He frowned. How had this happened again? Since when had the deal he made with HQ changed? Was it about time to refresh their memories by refusing to take any missions that lasted more than a few days at a time? And Kaname… It was about time he fought for what he wanted and made sure that no one took her away from him.

There was another knock on his door. Sousuke looked over at the steel oval, "Come in."

There was a pause and then the door opened revealing Melissa Mao, "I thought so. You can't sleep either, huh?"

"No, ma'am," said Sousuke looking over at her and rising to a sitting position.

"Are you worried about her?"

Sousuke frowned, "No… I just can't help feeling that I've been here before. It feels like I've already fought this battle and yet, I'm doing the same thing again."

"You mean when you told HQ that you would keep working for half the pay if you could be with Kaname?"

Sousuke flinched.

Mao sat down across from him in a chair, "So, why didn't you refuse when they assigned you at Intelligence."

Sousuke frowned deeper, "I don't know. It was like, for a time… I completely forgot about the bargain I made. It doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe you had temporary amnesia or something. I mean, it is possible. You were in a coma for so long… and we were all afraid that you were going to die on us, Sousuke. Speaking of which… Kaname… when Tessa notified her of your condition back then, Kaname completely fell apart while she was on the phone. You gave all of us a good scare."

"Sorry. It was never my intention."

"Of course it wasn't. You made a decision for the better of the team, and you nearly paid for it with your life. Honestly, when you went A-Wall a while back I couldn't totally blame you. With all the shit we've all been having to put up with lately… and Arbalest being dumped on you."

"Arbalest isn't the problem anymore…" Sousuke mumbled.

"I know, and that's the reason you're alive today, right? But anyway, what do you plan to do once you see Kaname again?"

"I have some ideas, but it's been my experience that my plans often become obsolete depending on her mood."

"Sounds like you have your hands full."

"I suppose so. But I think I am starting to understand a little bit of what Kaname was talking about before… about me not blending in."

Mao stared at Sousuke, frowning, "Does it bother you?"

"I can't protect her if I don't learn to blend in better." Sousuke paused. "No. That's not it either. I can't be someone that she loves if I can't learn to do it."

Mao raised her eyebrows, "Sousuke. I don't mean to put a damper in your determination, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe the part that she loves about you is the part that does all those crazy, irrational things?"

Sousuke looked up at Mao questioningly, "But that can't be true. She's always scolding me whenever I do something that doesn't suit the situation. I'm beginning to think that the only time I'm not a burden to her is when she's around enough of the De Dannan's crew that I know she will be safe."

Mao smiled sadly, "Sousuke. It's been two years since Gauron was killed. We just got word that the people who were targeting her recently were neutralized a few hours ago. In fact, that's what I came down here to tell you. I know you're worried, and I know you take your job seriously, but maybe it's time you thought about being a man first and a soldier second. You can't keep this up forever."

Sousuke's face suddenly creased into a painful expression that Mao had never seen before, "Mao, I… I'm not sure I can. I mean, I don't even think I really know how to be anything else than what I've been. And I've been a soldier for so long. It always feels like I'm running from something. I-I think I'm scared. I'm afraid that if I let my guard down I'm going to end up getting killed, or worse yet, she might get hurt. If I ever lose her, there would be nothing left for me."

Mao stared at Sousuke, open-mouthed. Then with a deep breath, she forced a smile, "Sousuke, I'm not telling you to let your guard down all the time. I'm just saying... when you're lip 'n lip with someone, that's the time when your armor needs to come off, and you're allowed to show her a little of the person underneath all that gear. I know the real you, and I also know that you're not the war-hungry maniac that she claims you to be. Deep down she knows that too, but you so rarely show that side to anyone but me and Kurz. Give her a chance to see the side that me and Kurz see. Give her a chance to see deeper than what we see. That's what having a lover is about. You get to share things with her that you would never share with anyone else. So give it a chance."

Sousuke stared at the wall in the darkness, "I think I understand. Thank you for your words, Mao."

Mao winked, "Just don't let them go to waste."

"I won't."

"Well, I think I'm going to turn in for the few hours I have left. I'll see you in the morning, Sousuke."

"Yes. Goodnight."

When Sousuke woke, it was to the high pitched beeping of his watch. A heavy fog had settled over his brain, and his head was throbbing severely. Slowly getting to his feet, he stood near his bed for a moment unmoving. Kaname's plane would be landing on the De Dannan within the hour, but everything around him was so intense that it made him not want to move. Slowly opening his eyes again, the world swam around him. His mind protested, urging him to go to the infirmary. Gripping his bed firmly, he attempted to push the fuzz out of his mind. Slowly and clumsily, Sousuke made his way out of his room and down the corridor to the infirmary.

"Sergeant Sagara?" came a sweet soprano voice.

Sousuke looked up at the woman as he stood in the doorway, propped up against the wall. Without a word, she helped him to a bed and made him sit down.

"You look awful, Sergeant. Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"

"Everything is spinning. And now that you mention it, it feels really stuffy in here."

The nurse disappeared, only to reappear a few seconds later with a cup of water and pills in hand, "Take this."

Sousuke did as he was told and waited. Slowly, but steadily the dizziness subsided and his vision seemed to clear. The nurse left him in the room alone for almost thirty minutes before she returned to check up on him.

"How do you feel now?"

"Better. Thank yo—"

Suddenly the infirmary doors burst open and he looked over to see Kaname, who looked close to tears.

"You idiot!" Kaname screamed as she entered the room and saw Sousuke. Walking towards him, she continued on her verbal rampage, "How could you? I was so worried, Sousuke, and you didn't even call me to tell me that you were okay?"

Sousuke stared at her half expecting her to beat the living daylights out of him as soon as she was within arms reach. Bracing himself for impact, he closed his eyes and hoped that her strike would be fast. Within seconds though, he felt arms embrace him. Stunned, it took him a moment to react. But after a few seconds, he put an arm around her back and still a little stunned. Suddenly pulling away, Kaname lifted an eyebrow.

"What's that look for?" Kaname spouted, annoyed.

"You're not going to hit me?"

Kaname sighed, "No. Just don't ever make me worry about you like that again, got it?"

Sousuke stared back at her in silence.

"Well?" she retorted.

"Yes! I'm sorry! I got it!"

Kaname looked off to the side.

"You big idiot," she mumbled.

'Give her a chance to see deeper than what we see.'

Sousuke slid off the infirmary bed, getting to his feet. Kaname looked up at him just as his arms folded around her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered so that only she could hear. "I won't leave you… not ever again."

Kaname's hands grabbed his collar as she pressed her face into his shirt, "You better not."

Sousuke stood with her in silence. His troubled soldier mentality, his protection, and his love were all he had to offer Kaname, but somehow, it was enough. Sousuke never felt alive accept when he was with her. Tightening his arms around her just a little, he lowered his head to rest on her shoulder. If Kaname would let him, he would've liked to make the feeling last for an eternity.

"It's nice to see you two getting along."

Sousuke looked up to see Kurz standing in the doorway. His expression was happy, yet sad at the same time.

"Kurz."

"Don't worry. I didn't do a thing to her, so you can relax," said Kurz quietly.

Sousuke looked down at the turquoise head that was resting against his chest. With a smile, he brought a hand up to stroke her beautiful hair. Looking back up at Kurz, his expression turned seriously, "Thank you… for keeping her safe."

"Any time. Take good care of her. If you make her cry again, I'll come back and kick your ass," said Kurz.

Sousuke just watched Kurz without a word.

Putting two fingers to his forehead almost in a solute, and then playfully pointing them towards Sousuke, Kurz turned and left.

Kaname's hands suddenly tightened on Sousuke's collar. Sousuke smiled, putting both arms back around her. She looked up in response. Without hesitation, he leaned in and kissed her cheek, but before he could pull away, her lips met his own. His fingers moved on their own and tangled themselves in her hair. It wasn't that Sousuke hadn't known how to be a lover. He had learned all sorts of skills as a soldier, including how to appear to be a girl's boyfriend, if you can believe it, but he never needed to apply those skills to his personal life until now. Until now, he hadn't really ever understood the reasons behind those actions. After all, Kaname was the one and only person that he trusted and would give everything for without a second thought.

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Well, that about sums it up. I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I did. I had to refresh my take on the characters a little before I wrote this chapter, but I think it turned out just fine. As always, let me know what you thought. Feedback is great. Until I see all of you again. Cheers!