Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

The ice is thin; come on, dive in
Underneath my lucid skin
The cold is lost, forgotten.

- Sarah McLachlan, "Ice"

In my dreams, I was Kira.

I heard screams and hollowed voices. I saw terrifying beasts and scattered pages. After the reel of hideous images, I revealed myself to the world, and to the police in pursuit of me. I proclaimed myself to be the god of a new world. Reveling in my glorious victory, I held L's lifeless body in my arms. My triumphant laughter would echo into the night. The detective could no longer touch me. No one could. I was greater than God.

And they would end, leaving a cold sweat upon my forehead. I made sure not to cry out. I did not want to alert L to my disturbing dreams, in fear that it would trigger his suspicions. Instead, I would awaken in silence, unable to fall asleep again. I welcomed the insomnia, repulsed by all that I had seen in that dark night. The nightmares felt real, as though they had been my own distant thoughts and memories. I wanted nothing more than for them to disappear. They were far too risky to have. The 'repressed memories' would be enough to convict me, given the chance.

That night, I did not go back to sleep. Instead, I watched L.

The detective sat next to me on the bed, wide-awake but working...as though sleep were merely a luxury. He was in his usual position: sable eyes fixed on the computer screen, lithe fingers moving rapidly upon the keyboard (stopping only to grasp a coffee-and-sugar-filled cup), knees close to his thin frame. His pallid complexion was visible in the darkness, like a fading star amongst the blackness of space. Staring at the man, I felt something ignite in me. It made me uncomfortable.

As strange as this creature was, I always considered him to be someone equal to my own greatness. Given the chance, he could surpass me. The thought was intriguing. I would crave that seemingly omniscient gaze of his, black and empty. I recalled his thin body in my arms, and shivered. His death meant that those eyes would close forever. Why would I wish that on him?

Moreover, why would I crave his gaze in the first place? What a bizarre concept.

I focused on the man and his laptop. His black eyes had softened, their usual analytical edge missing. I was sure my own eyes were deceiving me, most likely due to interrupted sleep. Was he on the verge of tears? It couldn't be. But this creature had no real emotions, and nothing to cry over. We all knew this. The man was unusual, devoid of anything that resembled human experience. What could he possibly feel? What could he possibly cry over? And yet, I knew that we were mistaken. We truly did not know anything about him.

He proved those assumptions wrong.

L's tears glistened in the cold light of the computer screen. They slid down his pale, glowing cheeks. There was no sob to accompany them. His eyes remained widened and still in the darkness. L shut the laptop, head bowed in defeat. I heard the coffee cup fall onto the carpet, the contents spilling. The man sat for a while, not saying a word until—

"Raito-kun."

He knew I had seen him. We both were caught.

"I know you're awake. You have been for the past two hours. May I ask why?"

"Sorry, Ryuuzaki. I didn't mean to—"

"Don't apologize."

I was curious, but I did not know how to ask him. To ask meant to probe deeper into the listless man. It would be pointless. He was private, someone who would not disclose information readily. I was certain that he would not tell me, the suspect of the greatest crime the world has ever known. L was much too cautious to let any of us know what bothered him.

What bothered me was that he never slipped, like that night. Did he want someone to know?

"I couldn't go back to sleep. I had a nightmare."

"I assume your dreams are about Kira. I hear you say his name many times throughout the night. But try to get some rest."

I was taken aback. A dark-circled insomniac was advising me to 'try to get some rest'? How hypocritical! But I lay back down on the bed that we shared. I was reluctant to travel back to the nightmares, but I would do as he said. Maybe he would let me know the reason for his tears. Maybe.

"Why not get some rest yourself, Ryuuzaki? It's obvious that you need it more than I do."

"There is so much work to do—"

"Why were you crying, Ryuuzaki?"

I did not expect to ask so sudden.

As expected, he did not answer. I had known too much already. My discovery had left its impact, though I did not know it at the time. I had found out that the intricate man was more than he let on.

L slipped underneath the thin blanket. It trembled with his movement. The cold night air seeped through the pores and the opening left by the man. I shivered. The detective lay down, covering himself completely with the sheet.

"Go to sleep, Raito-kun. Please."

He had let on too much that night. The ice would not be broken, not tonight. L would not tell me the reason for his tears and sleep-deprived lids. The eccentric man feigned sleep, hinting that I should rest as well. But there was no use. The nightmares and thought of L's hidden emotions induced my insomnia.

I doubt either one of us slept that night.

We pretended that his rare show of emotion had never happened, but I could hardly forget those tears. They were burned into my memory. L was not the stoic we assumed him to be. No amount of pretending could help his image, now that I knew he felt things. And it puzzled me that I cared so much for someone I hardly knew, though he considered me his first friend.

But friends hardly keep secrets from each other. L's biggest secret was his true identity. Isn't knowing someone well an essential part of friendship? It did not surprise me that companionship was a concept that the detective was unfamiliar with. Yet that show was almost a cry for companionship, for comfort. He was much too brilliant to let that slip so easily.

The next few days were awkward, uneventful, and frustrating. None of us had any luck in finding Kira. In the lack of evidence, L was restless. He watched me far too much, hoping to increase his percentage of certainty. That same omniscient gaze had returned, much to my chagrin (and at the same time, intrigue). I was bombarded with hypothetical questions. He hoped I would slip up somewhere, somehow. I wondered if it was the fact that I had witnessed a private event, more than being a suspect.

When he didn't watch me, L was silent. He focused only on his tasks and ate less. The dark circles under his eyes had significantly deepened. The officers shuffled around with paperwork and other evidence. They were too preoccupied with their work to notice the slight change in behavior. So it was, the last day of his silence.

The hum of machinery filled the quiet room. The officers, including my father, were gone for the day. The detective and I were the only ones that remained. At his request, we watched the surveillance video from the train station that Ray Penbar was killed. L's attention was fixed onto the screen, only broken to add more sugar to his saccharine sweet tea. His eyes were devoid of their usual dark light. I found it odd that I realized such a light existed, and even more so that I noticed it was missing.

"Raito-kun," he said, his attention unwavering, "you have been staring at me for the past eleven minutes. Do you have something on your mind?"

"Nothing at all, Ryuuzaki, I just..."

"It was nothing. I would rather you watch the video instead of watching me, please. This is very important."

His voice was cold and detached, hardly the tone he carried with me. I could not focus on the video. Everything about the man bothered me. It was unsettling. I did nothing but question the absent light, the subtle change in demeanor, and decreased appetite. It was unnatural, even for someone as idiosyncratic as L.

Despite his insistence, I continued to stare. The whites of his eyes were tinged red, the eyelids a bit swollen. He pretended to sleep every night since that night, but I doubted that it ever happened. The man was disturbed more than he would like me to know.

L turned to me once again, puzzled.

"Do you have some sort of attraction to me that I do not know about? If that's the case, Raito-kun, please let me know now. I'm sure there is something I can do about it."

Was that supposed to be a joke?

My face must have turned bright red, for his puzzled expression had faded away. A small smile played at the corners of L's mouth. I felt a bit offended. How dare he even hint that I was attracted to him sexually! I was not that kind of person! I turned away, attempting to focus on my work. L did the same, popping a candy into his mouth. I thought I heard a chuckle, and turned to the man. Chewing on his thumb, his dilated pupils bore into mine.

"I'll take your silence as a no. However, I'm grateful for your concern. I rarely have anyone pay attention when something disturbs me. But as I've said, nothing is wrong. It's nothing to worry about."

"You were crying last night. L rarely shows any emotion like that; therefore I have to assume something is wrong with him. Isn't that only logical? Or was it all some plot to reveal that I am Kira?"

"I still believe you're Kira. However, my rare onset of emotion was no plot, I assure you. It's only for myself, please understand that." He turned away, possibly regretting that he started the conversation.

"And you still believe I'm Kira! Why would Kira even be concerned about you?"

"He would act concerned to reveal a crucial part of my identity, thus finding out my name. Quite simple. I thought you would have more sense than that, Raito-kun, but since you are Kira, I suppose you would question it to throw me off."

His callous words upset me. I questioned everything. Why did I even care about him in the first place? I was his prime suspect and that would not change. Why did I think it would change? I was wasting too much energy on this. But it distracted me from the grim case, the haunting dreams, and the commitment I made to my father. That must have been what it was. L had brought something different to all this.

Before, I did not want to believe that he was human. And if he was human, L certainly was not normal. Any normal person would accept the concern of another person and tell them what was bothering them. But not L. His paranoia set him apart from the rest of the world. No, not paranoia...brilliant caution.

Brilliant. It was the definition of that man, no matter how intelligent I thought I was. My confidence and arrogance had seen his. If I were Kira, he probably would not have caught me. He would barely scratch the surface, but would see through it to the end. L would be a worthy adversary. It was quite admirable.

And it frightened me to think of myself as the murderer.

We watched the last of the video in silence. But I know that L continued to glance at me from time to time.

If there was anything I hated, it was impulse. The unplanned is never a good idea, especially when it manages to break everything you have worked for. Back then, I considered myself a very organized person who planned everything out effectively. I had my moments, but it was never anything serious. And as similar as L and I were, he was the one to submit to his impulses first...

That night, I awoke from another nightmare. The gore was enough to sicken me. In those dreams, I still held L's cold body in my arms. It was far too dangerous to dream of Kira, much less his enemy's death. I talked in my sleep. Soon, L would find out that I dreamed of killing him. I had to get it under control somehow.

And then, out of nowhere, he slipped.

"Your father is a great man, Raito-kun," said L.

He was at his former position, the laptop resting on his knees. He hadn't bothered to sleep tonight, much less pretend. I moved slightly, enough to see what was on his screen. Was he watching my father? Was L now suspicious of him?

The only thing I saw was a small, bolded word: parents.

As if he was onto me, L quickly closed out the window. He clicked on a folder mentioning the Kira case. He typed on the keyboard, the movement light, quick, and soft. There was no panic in his expression. The detective was perfectly calm. I slipped back to my original position and continued to watch him.

He was exhausted, that much was certain. Despite the dark circles, I realized I had never seen him completely exhausted before. I wanted to do something I never thought I was capable of, but I refrained. I would not give into that feeling, as strange and foreign as it was to me. I was the suspect for now. I decided to answer his bold and unexpected statement about my father.

"I know. I'm proud of him. He's brave to take on this case."

"You're lucky to have him as a father."

The compulsion was stronger, only because I finally understood. The truth was obvious. Of course L would praise my father. It was more than likely that he did not have one. And L never talked to any sort of family or friend, only Watari. That obvious truth had brought on the sudden tears, the sleeplessness, and the closure.

It must have been accidental. The L I knew would have been more cautious. The wall between him and the world would never allow itself to crumble. He would not have sacrificed the truth for a sick, temporary comfort. Either it was an accident, or a necessary ruse for Kira.

Before I realized it, I had taken the man's hand into my own. It couldn't have been a ruse. Those tears were never forced.

"Raito-kun..."

"Ryuuzaki, you don't have a father, do you? Or a family."

"That's not—"

"Just tell me the truth. You can trust me."

Pale, slim fingers closed the laptop. L turned to me. The probing gaze he possessed was gone once more. It was softer, sadder. It seemed as though the man wanted to cry, to scream out, and possibly to punish himself for revealing too much to me. I should not have known more than anyone else did. It was too risky for him, and the feeling was probably far too alien. In his twenty-five years of living, I was probably the only one with a desire to probe deeper into the genius known as L.

I could not believe I felt that way.

"I refuse to tell you anything," he whispered. "Not only because I suspect you, Raito-kun, but also because I don't feel comfortable doing so. Please understand."

My hand recoiled in fear. I sat up, wishing I had not touched the man. The moonlight shone through the blinds, unsurpassed by the city lights. I felt a slight tug on the chain. L had slipped under the covers in another attempt at sleep, eyes peering from the dark cover. I thought of a child hiding from a monster, and smiled. I slipped underneath as well, my own eyes fixed onto his.

"I don't understand you at all. It's not like I can search for you under that small amount of knowledge. Right now, I'm assuming you're an orphan. You have no family, and Watari is the closest thing to it."

L was silent, but did not take his eyes off me. He chewed on his thumb.

"Your assumption is correct. I have no memory of my family. And I have searched for them, but my attempts have been unsuccessful. That is all I'm going to tell you."

"Ryuuzaki..."

"If I die in the next month, then you are Kira. I should have been more careful. You shouldn't know about me more than I need to tell you. Even the task force doesn't know that I lived in England for five years, Raito-kun."

I sighed. "Why won't you let it go? You can trust me just as much as you trust them! As much as you would like an end to this case, I'm not Kira."

"We are both excellent liars. Pity, really. If not for this case, I think we could have been good friends, Raito-kun."

"You're the only one lying, Ryuuzaki. You give us nothing but aliases and we know nothing about you. How do we know you're not actually Kira?"

"As expected, you will place me under suspicion to take the suspicion off from you." His eyes darted to a dark space underneath the covers. "And for some reason, you haven't stopped in your blatant attempt to touch me. Why do you do that, I wonder? Unconscious desire?"

"Ryuuzaki!"

I pulled back my hand. My face felt hot. I was sure he was smirking in the darkness. Consumed with confusion and frustration, I did not realize that I tried to hold his hand. I did not know why I even tried. He was nearly impenetrable, only allowing me to see glimpses in what might have been a sordid past. It was not just Kira, but something else. I supposed even Watari did not know everything about L. The detective made it far too impossible to get close to him.

And I had to control my movements. Impulses were far too dangerous, especially with L. I may not have been Kira, but any wrong move would send me to prison if he saw any motive in it. From the looks of it, he saw motive in nearly everything I did. I wondered if he said such things to push me away, to discourage my curiosity and refrain from delving into the mystery known as L.

"I guess I'm trying to comfort you, considering that you're hurt."

"What makes Raito-kun think I'm hurt?"

"Isn't it obvious? You're an insomniac, you focus only on your work, and you shed tears when you think no one is looking."

"It does not mean that I'm hurt. Possibly disturbed, but not hurt. But we digress. You feel the need to touch me in order to comfort me? You're probably the first person to want to touch me, Raito-kun."

Was that a suggestion, or was he mocking me?

"It's a simple fact, no intimation in it at all. I know that's what Raito-kun's thinking. But feel free to interpret that as you wish. You already know that I'm an orphan and have had very few close to me."

Very few close to him? Did that mean that Watari wasn't the only one? I couldn't stand talking to him. It all led to questions without significant answers. I would not know more than he would need me to know. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look into his dark eyes any longer. They made me uncomfortable. Worse, they made me question myself. But I opened them again. I looked upon the machine, taken aback by what I now saw. My view of him was...different.

I had never noticed that childlike, innocent, and immaculate face of his. As strong as his will was, it looked so brittle. An ill-intentioned hand could tear it apart, desecrate it, and leave him in endless tears. It would be no match for the frigid heart of Kira, who would not hesitate to break this man.

Those ink-jet eyes, however, were unyielding. L's gaze was one that would burn itself into memory. It was wildly bizarre, thrilling even, though they yearned to probe you for information. I fucking hated them so much...loved them so much that, even now, as I tell you all this, I would die again to see them in their blackened glory.

But I digress.

What was I thinking? I could not be attracted to L of all people! There was nothing beautiful about him. There was only the outlandish. His mannerisms, unruliness, and paranoia were enough to make me scream. The man was far too different for my tastes...opposite of me, even. Not to mention that he was male. I shook my head. Surely, the lack of sleep was driving me to insanity. That much was true. I must not have been thinking correctly.

I curled up, willing to sleep and dream again. The entire night, I thought I felt L's hand on mine.

It was then that the nightmares had ended, for I saw his figure in my dreams...elegant, upright, and smiling.

I did not dream of Kira those next few nights. But it was far worse for me.

I dreamt of L.

It was never the same, but the premise was always similar. In my dreams, there was no task force, no crime, and no Kira. No one else but the two of us. The world was glacial, barren, and dark. Nothingness. The vacancy could bring stinging tears to any human's eyes. It's possible that not even a shinigami could stand the thought of being alone in such a desolate land.

However, it was just us and no one else. L and Raito. Not Ryuuzaki and Kira. Nothing could come between us, interrupt us, separate us. We would cry in fear, but hold each other. There were no secrets between L and Raito. The only screams would be of pleasure and the joy of having each other. As macabre as the dreams would be (and frighteningly real), I would wake in hopes that they were real. I would touch my tear-streaked face, hating that he showed up in my dreams so frequently.

That night, I was tempted to tell him my dreams. I did not need a reaction or assurance that we would not end up in such a place. I needed someone, anyone, to tell me what it all meant. I went from killing this man to making love to him. I wondered if L had the same dream, or even something similar. But knowing him, he would find some underlying request. He would hint that I had feelings for him, as bad as that sounded.

But what else could explain the dreams, or even the need to actually touch him? It was the logical answer, as illogical as my dreams made themselves out to be. The stir within had to disappear. It was too provoking and disturbed me. The man was erratic, and I was sure he hated me as much as I wanted to hate him. His methods for everything were vexing, as was his personality. There was no identity attached to L. Misa Amane, as aggravating as she could be, would be a logical choice for a man like me. She had a real name. She had a real identity.

"You say my name in your sleep, Raito-kun," whispered that familiar, dead voice.

He never turned away from the glowing screen.

"Raito-kun, is there something wrong?"

"You disturb me."

I froze. I did not expect the truth to slip.

He pressed his thumb to his mouth. "I suppose I disturb a lot of people. I am rather eccentric."

"Eccentric isn't even the word. Anyway, I'm becoming too involved with you. Truthful, even. I should have lied instead of telling you that you disturb me."

I heard a chuckle in the darkness.

"I'm becoming too involved with Raito-kun. You're still a suspect, which is quite unfortunate. We're both in trouble, are we not?"

As he usually did those nights when he caught me awake, he closed the laptop. L moved closer to face me, his thumb outlining his pale, thin lips. I shivered from the intensity. His gaze was devoid of accusation and scrutiny. A once-absent passion flared within the dark depths. My unwanted feelings resurfaced. I felt short of breath. It was too much. It was too painful.

"Ryuuzaki..."

"You drive me insane, Raito-kun. This isn't allowed. This is unlike me. It's not rational. There is nothing I can deduce from this. I hate it and it depresses me. The five percent suspicion should be grounds to avoid you and arrest you like I wanted. You are Kira."

"Then do it, Ryuuzaki! Lock me up, kill me, whatever you want! If that will truly make you happy and give you peace at night, then be my guest! You don't do it because you don't have proof, and that's because I've told you time and again...I'M NOT KIRA! If there is anyone that's been driven to insanity, it's me! I can't stand being near you night and day because there's nothing but your goddamn suspicion. So, arrest me, if that will ease both of us. I welcome imprisonment!"

My anger silenced the detective. He seemed afraid to speak, until...

"You're wrong, Raito-kun. Your arrest would not ease me in the slightest. In fact, I would regret having to send you to prison, of all people. You are my first friend, and..."

L trailed off, but it didn't matter. His feelings were now obvious. I wanted to forget anything this "human" said. None of it should have been the truth. Given his reputation for lying, maybe none of it was true. He acted like he felt strongly for me. For me, the prime suspect in the Kira case.

But why did it hurt me to think that it was all a lie?

Chained together, the truth was agonizing. Neither one of us could escape this room without being tailed by the other. We were together, regardless of what we felt. Hatred or love, that was the burning question. L turned away from me, receding into the shadows and avoiding the moonlight. I hated everything about him. I wished that he would disappear from my sight completely.

"Truthfully, Raito-kun, I have no idea what this is. I only want it to vanish. I don't treat you as I should. Please understand. Your concern and unbridled advances make this worse, so I must ask you to keep this as professional as possible."

I moved closer to him. "I have no idea what this is either. I want it to go away just as much as you do. But you can't tell me to stop being concerned about you. As uncharacteristic and selfless as it is, I worry about you. It feels incredibly wrong, and I realize that."

L nodded. "Know this, Raito-kun. I'm sure you have gathered that I would assume this, but I would like you to know what I'm thinking at this current moment. I conclude that you have feelings for me that you would rather not come to terms with. Whether it's my suspicion or my haphazard appearance is between you and you alone, but it may or may not be your intention to form a substantial relationship with me. I would like you to know that I am rarely incorrect, so I ask you to not be concerned anymore. That, and my emotions are so bent on overcoming my rationality."

"Ryuuzaki, do you—"

"I have no experience when it comes to this."

I felt that he was lying. He must have felt something before. For someone.

We had come so far in such a short time. The need to bring the L from my dreams into the open tore me apart. I wanted release from the feelings, the secrets, and the lies. My compulsion was greater than my will at that uncomfortable moment. I felt myself reaching for that seemingly frail body, wanting nothing more than to feel L beneath my fingers and discover things that were unknown to me. I wanted to dive under that skin to the world he shielded everyone from. I had never had such a want, a need that was almost divine.

My lips crushed themselves onto his, fingers tangled in his disheveled black hair. L was far too sweet, the saccharine taste teasing my tongue. His wide-eyes closed, relinquishing himself to the forbidden desire. I felt his body press against mine, and I was surprised to find muscle and thick flesh.

Before I could break apart from him, L returned my kiss with fervor. His need glided against mine, and a small groan escaped from our lips. The detective was short of breath. He pulled himself closer to me, until no space was left. I felt his warm, lithe hand slip under my shirt. It was then that I pulled away, frightened. I had never had sex with a man before, much less a man as unique as L. I was sure he hadn't done the same either. This was much too uncalled for.

"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. That...that wasn't my intention. I apologize. I don't know why I did it, considering that I have no idea how I feel about you. That, and it's much too awkward."

"I understand. It was not my intention either. I was not myself, forgive me."

Silence.

"I guess we should get some sleep, then. There's a lot to do tomorrow."

L smiled.

A genuine, human smile that also burned itself into memory.

Would I die again for that smile, you ask?

Certainly.

"Tell me everything, L. Your childhood, your teenage years, your cake adoration. I want to hear it."

He laughed.

"You would like to hear that, Raito-kun?"

"More than anything in the world. It's just us now."

The world was no longer desolate. We had created something beautiful from it. The gardenia-scented fields, incandescent sunshine, and endless blue sky replaced the vacancy. Everything was lovely. We did not cry. There was nothing to cry about. All there was here was joy. And we had forgotten everything, even who we used to be. Nothing was ephemeral here. We had eternity before us.

I would have liked to think that I dreamt of the future. It seemed so perfect and beautiful, that to hope for anything else was useless. It was the pinnacle of my dreams, the mellifluous epilogue to the silent movie. But I awoke that morning to the cold, real world... a world with Kira, the task force, dying criminals. And with Ryuuzaki, the greatest sleuth in the world.

There were no exchanged glances between us those next few weeks. We maintained our professional relationship during the day. The only conversations we shared were about the Yotsuba group and the man suspected of being Kira. No one questioned it. Matsuda was the only one to notice the indifferent way L and I talked to each other. He chalked it up to the frustration of being with each other day and night, slipping in a gay joke every once in a while. L would give him a swift kick to shut him up, and that was that.

The nights were entirely different, sometimes ending in an unexpected kiss or embrace. We would then apologize to each other, but I never felt guilty for it. In confidence, L had revealed to me that he had the surveillance cameras removed, and the evidence of our supposed relationship destroyed. The only one who had witnessed our kisses was Watari. The old man was ordered to keep quiet about our night affairs, but told me that he hoped that I would turn out to be innocent, for L's sake.

"He would not want me to tell you this, and I'm breaking protocol for doing so, but it's been a very long time since I've seen that sort of fire in him," he whispered to me, serving L another cup of tea.

Watari knew that L had felt agony over me. I was still under suspicion. No longer did he sit up at night on the computer. Instead, he would stare blankly into the darkness, possibly pondering every single move we had made. I knew he hoped I was innocent as well. If not, L was walking into a trap that he could die from.

Most nights, I would fall into a dreamless sleep. The epilogue never returned, nor the desolate land. I would wake up to the darkness, longing for those intangible dreams, my eyes wet with tears. The only time I could reach him was in the unconscious. Upon awakening, I would see the shadow of L, hidden from everyone except for me. He gave me a feeling of serenity (but never sanity) amongst the hopeless void.

"Ryuuzaki, why won't you sleep?" I asked one night.

He was silent, careful not to reveal his feelings to me. He wanted to return to square one. At that point, it was impossible and foolish to think that it could happen. Not after the misplaced trust, secrets unraveled, and craved kisses. If I could take a shot at his thoughts, it would be that he regretted all that had happened between us, including the handcuffs. L did not know what he wanted more: for me to be Kira, or for me to fill his emptiness.

As though he could hear my thoughts, he spoke.

"I suppose you've guessed," he began, "that I have been thinking about all that I have done. I will be truthful in this, for I've never been so foolish as I have been, Raito-kun. Please understand that this was a mistake. It would be best if this did not continue."

I nodded, feeling a sudden pain in my chest.

"Then, we will forget everything that happened, correct?"

I could not wrap my mind around his abrasive words, so cold and so final.

I struck a blow to the man's face. L toppled off the bed, taking the sheets with him. The chain that held us together yanked me over the edge. I landed on top of L, hitting him again. I had never been so angry, so keen on breaking that childlike face. It caused me nothing but misery. Those fucking soulless eyes ripped me apart. Of course I wanted to forget every damn thing that ever happened, because it made me into something I was not. I would not have given a shit about anyone like him. But it wasn't going to happen, and for him to think that it could go away, that I could go away was...

"You're something else, you know? You think that everything can be forgotten and disappear, like your fucking aliases? How stupid can you be? Nothing vanishes into thin air, especially what we've done!"

"Raito-kun, you're overreac—"

"This is all because of your 'suspicions'! This 'Raito being Kira' shit needs to stop, because I'm sick of it! Had it not been for all of this, you would trust me and not need to hide anything from me!"

His mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say. Dark eyes turned away from my gaze, as though it pained the man to see. L responded in a whisper, broken and shaking.

"As I have told Raito-kun before, it was a mistake. We can't be close because you are Kira, I am L, and having any sort of relation would only make the situation worse. Don't misunderstand me. I don't feel this way because I don't want to, but because I have to. I do not regret the tears I had shed in front of you, the kiss we shared, nor the...strange feelings I've developed."

The tears welled up, pooling into the corners of his bloodshot eyes.

"...I would very much like to believe you, Raito-kun."

My voice lowered. "Then do, it Ryuuzaki. Stop talking nonsense. We'll go in circles and never end."

"If only it was that easy, Raito-kun. It's nothing like we make it out to be," he whispered. The tears did not stop. It hurt me more to see their stained trails over the bruises I had given him.

I had hurt him before, but not when I felt so much.

"You should have fought back like you always do. With a kick and all that. "

"If only it was that easy."

L rose, his lips crushing themselves onto mine. I searched for that sweet warmth within, sliding my tongue alongside his. The detective grabbed onto my shirt, pressing himself onto me. I felt his prominent desire for me glide against my thigh. L pushed me onto my back. I was pinned against the carpet, our bodies feverish in their ecstasy. His lips moved to my neck. L's tongue darted out to tease the area, tasting it as he would a piece of candy.

"Have I told Raito-kun that he tastes quite good?" he whispered, chuckling.

"Ah, Ryuuzaki...I don't think I can do this," I managed to get out.

"I have concluded," he began, tracing my collarbone, "that we could never forget entirely, as much as we should. We will dream no more, Raito-kun."

We will dream no more? Was that..?

I moaned. The dark-haired man had unbuttoned my shirt, exposing my chest to the cold air. His mouth enclosed on my nipple, sucking as hard as he could. No, I could not forget, nor resist. That mouth was so talented and felt so good. I begged for more, those pale lips making their way down to my abdomen, hands unbuttoning my pants. I shuddered to think of what he would do to me.

And then that mouth made its way onto my...oh god. I bucked my hips into the hot orifice. I wanted, no needed him to take me in. Every inch of me. But he removed his mouth to let his tongue run underneath my member. I groaned at his withdrawal, gripping his ebony hair in my hands.

"You taste so sweet, far better than any cake I've ever had. It's maddening," he whispered in the dark, his breath hot upon my skin. I shook my head. It was completely irrational to have sex with this man, especially after the fight, especially under these circumstances...

"This...makes no sense...Ryuuzaki...ah!"

"From what I've concluded, Raito-kun," he said, licking my inner thigh (to which I trembled and cried out), "emotions should not have to make sense. Nor does human desire, which is powerful in itself."

He was determined to make me forget that the fight ever occurred.

He took me into his mouth again. L savored the taste, his black eyes closed. I cried out once more. I had never received such pleasure from any woman. I wondered how L knew what to do. As though he knew what I was thinking, the strange man teased the underside with his tongue. My hands held the man's head firmly, yearning for him to take all of me in. L acquiesced to my silent request. I released into his waiting mouth, watching the odd detective drink every drop of my essence.

And he had seemed so inexperienced.

"Raito-kun," he said, licking the remaining drops from his thin lips, "as strange as it may be, I must stop here. I don't feel I could go on any farther for...personal reasons that I will not reveal to you."

I sat up, looking into the man's eyes. They seemed almost melancholic and thoughtful, as though...

I gasped. "Ryuuzaki, were you..."

He smiled. "No, I was not sexually abused. I know that's what you were thinking. Don't worry, it was nothing as terrible as that."

"At least, let me—"

"No, it's quite all right. Maybe I'll tell you someday, when I'm sure you're not Kira. It's a very long story."

I groaned. "We're back to that again?"

L climbed back onto the bed, pulling me up with him. An awkward smile spread across his face as he lay down. I bent down to grab the sheets, now torn by our skirmish. I lay next to him. This time, we were inches from each other, with L reaching out to touch my hand. What had happened between us was beyond oblivion. Nothing would be the same, and we both had understood. I didn't know about L at the time, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

"Though I wonder what would happen if Raito-kun happened to be Kira. Would you still attempt to kill me after what has transpired?" he asked, thumb pressing to his lip. "Of course, since I'm still seven percent sure that you're the one..."

"We should really get some sleep now, Ryuuzaki," I enunciated.

"And considering that Kira is a cold-blooded murderer, he probably wouldn't hesitate to murder me for the sake of 'justice'..."

"Sleep, Ryuuzaki," I repeated, already aggravated by his theories.

"However, the onset of emotions could really—"

"God damn it, shut the hell up and go to sleep already!"

But the dreams returned that night, non-sequential and frightening: holding L's body in my arms, the gardenia-scented field, the void, and eyes darker than the night.

A/N: What started out as a one-shot practice fic has exceeded my expectations, both word-count and otherwise. There wasn't even supposed to be lemon! Truthfully, I'm still a bit disappointed. I've left it open because I have thoughts for another chapter, at least one in L's POV. Because this was a practice fic, I have decided to make use of the easiest situation in the whole series: the handcuffed-and-Light-forgot-everything part. I plan for something much different in the future, trust me!

I have used "Raito", instead of "Light", to avoid conflict between the English word and his name...just so you know. And if you discovered any puns, they were intended.

My greatest fear in writing this was making the characters extremely OOC. I'm still very new to this fandom and I've only just become acquainted with Light's overbearing personality and L's endearing quirks. Please tell me how I did; constructively, of course! I do expect that they've gone OOC, but it's to be expected with new fandoms. I will improve, I promise!

So, review! Should I make another chapter? Do you think L makes a better seme than Light? Was it cruel of me to interrupt them just as they got going? Say whatever's on your mind!

I also apologize for the seemingly bunched-up, non-indented paragraphs and dialogue. It seems that it hates my format!