Summary: nightmares and love
Rating: PG13
Beta: comanche rider
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this.

AN: fumbling my way from an idea.. the story was too vague a thought to start with. just need to sublimate stress by writing...

Chapter one: The forest

"-Elizabeth!!" The shout echoed through the nighttime forest.

John jerked upright, panting, eyes wide with pain. He jerked again, pulling back and reaching for his gun instinctively before his mind snapped aware and recognized Ronon Dex reaching for him in worry.

"Sheppard?"

"Shit." He couldn't seem to catch his breath, couldn't stop the kaleidoscope playing behind his eyes. Fear and pain and death, over and over; and nothing he could do but watch. He gave up and hunched over his bent knees, waiting out the shudders. Instinctively fighting off the horror with every positive memory he could get his scrabbling mental fingers on.

When his breath stabilized and he could think again, he lifted his head, only now realizing that his teammates were all nearby, awake and conspicuously not looking at him. 'Dammit!' He'd never had one of those on missions before. Nightmares he had aplenty, they all did, and it was an uncommented-upon fact that if you had the watch, part of your job was sometimes to wake your tossing and moaning friends. But the nightmares that woke him yelling and panicked had up until now been reserved for when they were home.

"Sorry guys. I'm fine. Just a particularly bad dream."

Ronon nodded silently with one casual glance, continuing to watch the forest with the fire at his back.

Now that he'd recovered himself, Teyla stopped flicking dry grass into the low fire and looked at him with a worried frown, "So it seemed."

Rodney was quiet, for once, just giving him a wary look from his unmoving crouch next to Teyla. Too familiar himself with nightmares and not sure how to deal with them in his friend.

"Are you certain you are all right, John?"

He shrugged, smiling with determined cheer, "Yeah. Travelling on foot through these damn moutains for a week just left too much time to think, I guess. Tell me again why we had to do this, Rodney?"

The scientist gave him a small understanding grin, then lay back down to sleep, ignoring the rhetorical question and leaving Teyla to try to get him to talk. Hoping she would manage it; knowing it was unlikely, but also knowing there was nothing he could do to help.

Watching Rodney settle down gave John a few extra seconds before facing the inquisition. By then, Teyla had shifted herself to sit in front of him. She had hoped, after all the close calls they had all had during the recent siege, that her friend would find his way to a relationship with the woman he so obviously cared for.

Their blatant continued loneliness unfortunately said otherwise. And the resigned pain in his eyes when he finally faced her had the look of familiarity; this was not the first time he had had this dream.

"Sometimes, speaking of them helps."

John smiled wanly, "They say that in this galaxy too, uh? Has it ever helped you, Teyla?"

Giving his question fair hearing, she thought back to the early years of her marriage, of nightmares where her husband would be taken from her, as so many friends had been. Of discovering the shortcoming in every saying, every story; that no words could be understood by emotions. Love was powerful, but it was not reasonable, nor was it willing to compromise. Being told to live for today... did nothing to stop the nighttime fear that tomorrow would be dark and empty. "Yes John, it did," she held his disbelieving stare, "It did not make the nightmares stop immediately... however, knowing someone knew of them... Having his support... gave me the strength to face them each night. And they did eventually fade," her voice quieted as she got lost in happy memories.

Seeing the fondness in her eyes as she remembered made him realize just how little they all knew of each other. He no more knew who she was thinking of than she knew of his demons. Though, he winced, she obviously knew who he thought of.

Taking the opportunity of her distraction to silently shift back into sleep position, he let himself, just for a second, wish... he couldn't even pinpoint something realistic to wish for. It was everything.. or the status quo, anything else was impossible and/or not worth the risk. And everything was impossible too.

Aw hell, there was a reason he didn't usually go down this mental path. Even assuming he believed Teyla's claim that talking helped... who was he supposed to talk to? If it was a general nightmare.. yeah, he might, remotely possibly be willing to talk to Elizabeth. But these nightmares, if he tried to be vague about the contents... it would still be obvious they were about losing a loved one. Which would make her think he was in love with someone else. Even if she didn't care... well that hardly did anything to make him feel better, now did it? Just drop it, Sheppard.

He heard Teyla move away to her own pillow and closed his eyes, knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep. That slideshow from his dream was still there, and the only way he had to make it go away was watching it while awake, forcing himself to counter each shot with one of the truth, until truth was once again the stronger memory.

Counter Kolya taking her from him with the smile she wore the very first time he saw her. Counter darts flying at Atlantis and static on his radio with the half-hidden pleasure when he gave her her birthday present. The pain in her eyes when she accepted that they were out of options to save Atlantis; the pleased canary smirk when he realized she was the reason he was staying on Atlantis, that he had proved wrong so many who were sure he'd be retired a major.

Hearing she was dead... his breath stuttered at that one, awake or not, his gut roiling with acid. Even the memory of her breaking through her own usual physical distance to hug him... needed a lot of replaying to make that pain fade to the more bearable daily level he was used to.

And through it all again. Other memories; of smiles, shinning eyes, enthusiasm, indulgence, affection. Even worry, as long as he knew it was unfounded. Anything to beat down and suffocate the horrors, both real and some that were straight from his too-knowledgeable imagination.

Thank god this night was almost over; tomorrow they would make it home. Seeing Elizabeth would do wonders for his edginess. A week really was just too long.