Notes: you know, I had to do something touching. I really did. I thought over and over, what stupid sappy song am I going to use at the end of the chapter. The Fray was too cliche, five for fighting and lifehouse were overdone, I couldn't think of anything van morrison that went with it.

And then I found this song from Crossing Jordan, from the first episode. The song is "Thirty Years of Tears" by John Hiatt. I blogged the song and lyrics, here... pernshinigami(dot)livejournal(dot)com/2008/10/09/

And there's a reason why my stream of "God Must Hate Me" has a fanart of Light and L kissing as the thumbnail! (GO YAOI!)

"You're going to play that stupid song over and over again?" Mello asked, it was the following morning, Light and Ryuuzaki were going over surveillance footage of Matsuda's conversation with Taira the night previous.

It was the 5th time that Light had played "God Must Hate me" by Simple Plan on the radio nearby." Ryuuzaki snickered, "Raito, perhaps you should turn off the……."

Light had his headphones on, tapping his toes in time with the music. "Oh dear lord." Matt sputtered in laughter as Aizawa and Soichiro entered the room. "Where'd you find this guy Ryuuzaki. Drama king" He shook his head. "This is….. the 5th time. OY! Pretty boy!" Matt hooked a leg through Light's chair and spun him around. "We have surveillance footage to go through. Matsuda had an interesting conversation la…….."

Light squeaked, flinching at the small spin and accidentally dropping his headphones. He came pretty close to falling off the computer chair. "Oh hell." He growled, struggling to keep his balance.

"Sorry to startle you man, but you've played that song /FIVE TIMES/ and we have work to do." Matt growled. "Try these headphones instead." He tossed Light a microphone headset. Which Light missed, it clinked onto the table next to him. Face twitching and blushing in embarrassment Light fumbled on the table until he found the set and put it on, glaring at Matt. "I can't wait for the day I get glasses." He growled.

"Deal, I'm head tech for now. Aibur had family business to attend to and Wedy is running an errand for Ryuuzaki. Mello, Near and I have GENEROUSLY taken up their workload, ergo you have to put up with our bad attitude."

Near rolled his eyes, pulling out a box of legos and taking his usual perch on the floor. He laid out the board and poured the bricks into the lid of the box. He started carefully clicking the pieces together. "Matt, have you gone over the footage."

"Yes, and can I just diagnose Taira with a case of the existential blues?"

"If you do not begin singing that annoying song, then yes." Near said absently. "Ryuuzaki have you looked at the footage?"

"Yes, Matsuda what did he whisper to you?" Ryuuzaki asked as Matsuda pulled up a hair, trying to mimic Matt, who was straddling his chair and resting his chest against the backrest.

"His real name. I don't think I should tell you."

"Of course not, he was trying to gain your trust." Ryuuzaki said boredly. "And from the angle he was standing in, you can't read his lips either. On ANY of the surveillance cameras, of which there are four. It does, however, give me a good insight into his personality."

"How do you figure?" Soichiro and Aizawa each took a seat as Matt started rewinding the footage for them to play.

"Charisma mister Yagami." Near said calmly. "I came up with the idea last night to have different members of the team interact with Taira while he's in the cell. By reviewing the footage we can get a better idea of what he's made of psychologically. Having a former deathnote user who REMEMBERS his adventures is very useful. As soon as we can confirm that he does not, in any way, have a working deathnote in his possession, I would certainly want to have him on the team. Ryuuzaki expressed this same intent when we first placed Taira in the cell."

Ryuuzaki sighed, watching as Near held up a tiny pale blue brick thoughtfully. "You must learn not to monopolize the conversation Near, please."

"Of course L." Near eyed the black haired man thoughtfully. And the look he cast Ryuuzaki was pure resentment.

Ryuuzaki groaned inwardly. Near had a tendancy to see things in black and white and a one track mind as far as his cases go. Near probably thought that /any/ ownership of a deathnote was a 'black' thing to do. Sure enough, Near started picking out black and white bricks from the pile. He started mixing the blue bricks with the black to form one column, black and white for a second, and white for the third. Further, the white column was built so that from the air, it would resemble a very sharp letter L.

"Near-kun, if you have problems of my choice of teammates, I suggest that you take them up with me in PRIVATE." Ryuuzaki growled.

"Who said I was being resentful? You just seem to ignore that fact that while Light was under the influence of his deathnote, he killed several hundred people. The only saving grace that I can think of is that he was under an outside influence, which makes for a mitigating factor should the Kira case ever come to trial. And Taira was under his right mind when he had his stint as a Kira, even as a child burning the notebook proves consciousness of guilt."

Light grimaced, flinching again, but he said nothing. Soichiro looked about to strangle Near. Ryuuzaki got there first, smacking Near on the cheek. "You need to learn diplomacy /NEAR/ Mello is number one in THAT. He understands human nature, you have no concept of the bonds people form with each other, it is your weakness and the reason why I didn't want you helping on a case, ANY case THIS soon." He glared. "Now to continue."

"I find Taira's behavior with Matsuda intreaguing, but not alarming. It's a very good insight into his character." Ryuuzaki pushed play, showing the other detectives what Matsuda had been able to coax out of him.

Matsuda blushed when the footage showed Tair……. Er…… Taro kissing him. "Light I wish you could see." Mello snickered. "The look on Matsuda's face is priceless!"

"That moment was /private/ Ryuuzaki. Couldn't you have edited the last bit out?" Matsuda asked sheepishly. A huge blush came over his cheeks.

"Well Matsuda hasn't picked up on the significance of that conversation." Ryuuzaki said thoughtfully. "Mister Yagami, Mister Aizawa, your thoughts please?"

"Aaah, on what?" Aizawa felt just a little stupid.

"Charming, intelligent, well educated…… I'm not sure what else you want me to…….."

"If the positions were switched, and Taira was Kira instead of Light, something tells me that he'd be even more dangerous than Light, Misa or Higuchi." Ryuuzaki explained. "The reason being is that, while I doubt his IQ is as high as mine, his grasp of philosophy and efficiency of communication, coupled with his charisma, would make him very dangerous if he were pitted against any one of us, he would be very effective as a member of the team not just because he knows what makes shinigami tick and how the deathnote works, but because his ability to communicate effectively and motivate other people. Should he pass the 25 day test, I have a job for him actually. What I'd like for each of you to do is get familiar with him over the next couple of days. Matsuda however, should be the only one to actually enter the cell with him. Since Taira seems to have taken an…… interest, in Matsuda we can play off of that."

"PLAY??" Matsuda blushed. Several dirty thoughts went through his head right then. Then his eyes crossed and he shook his head. Not that kind of Play! "As in manipulate? Ryuuzaki is that even necessary."

"Case in point, he's charmed Matsuda into his confidence." Ryuuzaki said absently. "What, are you afraid of getting kissed again."

Matsuda blushed to his hairline. "yes….. er….. no….. er… yes I mean I definitely don't want to get kissed again but I'm not afraid of anything I just…."

"Wow, just wow." Matt teased. "Tsk tsk, Matsu you are a naughty boy……"

"I AM NOT!" Matsuda kept turning redder and redder. "I just…… got the wrong idea for a second!" He said sheepishly.

Near ignored Matsuda, though Ryuuzaki knew he was listening. The little one had taken down the L tower, mixing combinations of white black blue and red blocks to create a wall.

Light watched the white pajama'd blur on the ground, focusing as hard as he could on trying to see the boy's features. He could hear voice, and actions, and Ryuuzaki seemed able to interpret what was going through his head. If only he could see expressions.

Light humphed at last, giving up. "I agree with Ryuuzaki about Taira's abilities. Sometimes its not the brainpower a person has access to but what they do with what they have. Ryuuzaki was reading his work last night. What were you trying to find out."

"I want to get a handle on his personality." Ryuuzaki said simply. "And see if there was anything I could hear between the lines of what he's already told us."

"I find it interesting that he managed to use philosophy the way he did." Light frowned. "But I think you're reading too much into it?"

"Oh?" Ryuuzaki quirked an eyebrow.

"I think he was flirting with Matsuda." Light said with a grin.

Matsuda's face turned as red as a tomato, from his collar to his ears. "He was not!" Matsuda protested.

Aizawa and Soichiro declined to comment. "Oh come on. Is he pretty?" Light teased. "I mean if he looks like a girl it might be easy for you to get the two confused. You know if you get drunk you could use that as an excuse."

Mello burst out laughing. "Or he could be in deniiiiiaaaal!"

"Denial like you and MATT?" Matsuda shrilled.

"Hey, if you got it, flaunt it darling. And I got it!" Mello said, fluttering his eyelashes in a come hither gesture.

"Alright, if you guys are done fooling around, I wanted to ask Taira a few things." Light said calmly. "Ryuuzaki, since I obviously can't see him I'm going to need you to watch his actions." Light pulled up his chair to the system Ryuuzaki used to speak with those in confinement.

He pushed the button. "Mister Hiyama, I have a few questions for you, to pass the time while you're obviously contemplating the meaning of life."

Taira snorted, he'd been curled up on his bunk. "Its Matsuda still blushing?" He chuckled.

Light smiled behind the microphone. "The rules, Taira, the rules regarding memory erasure and ownership, do you know any way we could use them to capture Kira?"

Light held up a finger to Ryuuzaki, telling him to be quiet a moment.

Taira snorted. "I've thought about it a lot. Deathnote possession is much deeper than, you have the notebook, do you or do you not use it. Those who have a notebook and use it frequently are prone to misfortune. I burnt my deathnote, therefore it is impossible to give up its ownership. As far as karma goes, you reap what you sow, literally, when it comes to the Deathnote. Think of something out of a horror movie?" Taira snickered.

The man paused, Light could tell from the silence that he was thinking. "Capturing a user of a deathnote is going to be a very difficult task indeed. You ask so that you can capture Kira? Remember that he may at any time relinquish ownership of his deathnote. The key is to press him, to hound him. Make him think the wrath of the true god has fallen around his shoulders. Like an animal in a trap he will thrash. He will do everything in his power to shake you. Ride him. But do not attack with brute force alone. Make him panic."

Ryuuzaki watched Taira stare at the ceiling and chew on his lip. "But when he is in a state of abject panic, capture him before he can relinquish ownership. When you do, speak to his shinigami. When he is caught, his shinigami will be completely within their right to kill him. Explain to him or her that you mean her no harm, but that you want their human alive for questioning. Ask them if they will wait, just a little longer, before taking Kira's life. Respect also, that the world cannot know of the existence of shinigami. He or she will know your true name at a glance L. If they believe that the existence of gods of death will be exposed to the rest of human kind, then he or she will kill you and every member of the investigation team. Make no mistake, when you capture Kira you will take that shinigami's deathnote. But remember that they are still, more or less, in control of the situation. You have their deathnote.

"Its like the fox and the pearl. The shinigami needs their deathnote back. They need it to live. While you have it, you are acting on their behalf. They have certain things they can and cannot do. If my shinigami returned, and I asked him to kill Kira, he would not be allowed to do so. Not on my say so. If he felt like doing it, he would. But a lot of shinigami out there are lazy. If Kira told his to kill you L, the shinigami is in no way obliged to do so. Likewise if Kira's shinigami said "I found L." if Kira asked for your real name, the shinigami would be unable to give it to him." (1)

"The question is balance, L. If you push he will flee. The success of your chase depends entirely on pacing the momentum you send him fleeing in and throwing up the right hurtles. Does this make any sense to you at all?"

"I suppose." Light as Light would have said 'I guess' but by then he knew Ryuuzaki so well that he knew how to act like him behind the microphone. "Do you believe as I do that there are several Kira?"

"If there were two, then yes, there must be more." Taira agreed. "There can be up to 6 human owned notebooks at once. Two Kira were removed by yourself in your investigation. But let me hazard a wild guess. When pushed to hard both of them relinquished their notebooks and won't answer your questions because they can't. Before you could exact a confession they gave up ownership and any hope you might have of finding out about Kira dissolved with their memories." Taira chuckled.

"I was tracking media progress of the case, listening carefully from the moment of your initial broadcast in Kanto L. Authors are many things. We watch society, and become very good at reading the movements and hearts of mankind. When you lured Kira out into the open, I had the sense that something incredible was about to happen. This was history commencing. A good author can read more than stories. What I saw in the news and in the broadcast of the second Kira's announcement. What I saw was a slugging match between titans. An intellectual dogfight."

"Thank you for the complement." Light had a small smile on his face. "Is there any way to retrieve the memories of someone who has given up ownership?"

"Hmmm, dunno. I know that after 490 days, if your deathnote is still intact but you haven't touched it, you will instantly lose ownership. Shinigami tend to do things in fours and sixes. Six is universal, but 4 is japan's unlucky number. They know many languages, but most of them would not go so far as America or Europe. They have no use for anything further than they can fly from. Almost every rule you will find for the deathnote that relates to time is in 4's and 6's." He frowned.

"there is one thing that I DO remember." Taira frowned. "I asked Ryuk if there was any way that I could still remember him and /not/ have the notebook. He said that if I gave up ownership, that I'd remember him again if I touched the exact same deathnote even if it was years later. However, as soon as I dropped the notebook I'd forget again. I thought that burning the book was a better option. I liked Ryuk, he was a big goofball, for a big scary god of death he was a lot of fun to be around."

Light frowned, glancing over at Ryuuzaki.

"Don't you dare."

"It might HELP though!" Light said anxiously.

"you can't even read a book Light. You touch that thing and Kira gets you again." Ryuuzaki pointed out. "What will it prove?"

"I want answers." Light said quietly. "Why did this happen? How? How could a person rot so bad that they DO something like what we're seeing? And trick or coerce five other people into doing the same?"

"Or perhaps our Kira bug is jonesing for a fix?" Near said dryly.

"Near……" Ryuuzaki's tone was warning.

"I think what Near was /trying/ to say is, how do we know that this is not what Kira was hoping Ryuuzaki? Light? That Light would be so anxious to set things right that he would make the mistake of touching the notebook again, just to see if he can 'find' anything to help him." Mello pointed out. "I'm a hothead, but even I know when there are alarm bells going off."

"This is all a moot point unless we can catch Higuchi /and/ locate his notebook." Aizawa ventured. "Taira has a good point, we could try to catch him, but odds are he'd either die, give up ownership or do something else crazy and we lose our evidence. Hell, for all we know Rem could be planning on killing Higuchi out of revenge the instant we catch him. If Rem and Higuchi are fox and the human who stole the fox's pearl, then what's she going to do when she gets her pearl back?"

Misa had entered on the 'if rem and higuchi' carrying a tray of coffee. "I didn't…… get that vibe from her." Misa said quietly. "Maybe she'd kill Higuchi, but I wouldn't blame her if she did. He's just……. Ick." Misa made a face. "Coffee." She set the tray down, and looked rather put out.

"What's wrong now?" Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes.

"Aside from passing notes with Rem and kissing up to your main suspect I don't really get to DO anything." Misa stuck her tongue out. "I'm not helpless you know! And I am just sitting there!"

"Good, you can take him food next." Ryuuzaki's face started to twitch.

"Actually that might not be that bad an idea." Near agreed. "He knows who Misa is and that she's working with us. Maybe she can get something out of him."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" An empty Styrofoam cup beaned Near on the forehead.

The boy flinched, eyes crossing for a moment before he retrieved the unused cup and started sorting legos into it. "Why are you complaining Miss Amane, we could have just sent you home. You could leave any time."

"You're pulling my LEG." Misa hissed. "I thought you were nice but you're really just a big baby!" She scolded Near. "I want to help out. After meeting an actual God of Death, do you really expect me to go home with my tail tucked between my legs and let you boys have all the fun?"

Ryuuzaki had considered it a ten percent chance Misa would stick around at most. He quirked an eyebrow. "Miss Amane, besides acting and modeling, what talents do you have?"

Misa blushed, but she stayed quiet.

"I've noticed your…… disorganized attempts to improve yourself. Your show business resume is impeccable. You would probably be a very good spy but as things stand you aren't very good with much else. So I have an idea for you. Come up with ten talents that you have that don't have to do with the entertainment industry and can also be useful to the investigation."

Misa flushed. "ARE YOU CALLING ME USELESS??"

"I did not insinuate that no." Ryuuzaki said calmly. "I am trying to make you think. The greatest asset anyone has is their head." He walked past Misa, patiently tapping her on the head with his clipboard. "Pardon me for saying so, but you have the attention span of a knat."

Misa turned red in the face and took a deep breath before shouting. "JERK!" She then snatched the clipboard and smacked Ryuuzaki upside the head with it before storming out in annoyance.

Matsuda burst out laughing. Mello giggled and shook his head. Matt sighed. "you were asking for that one Ryuuzaki." Light blinked. "Did she just……… /hit/ Ryuuzaki?"

"On the head with the clipboard." Matsuda giggled. "Poor Misa, I know how it feels thinking that you're completely helpless." He sighed. "Go easy on her Ryuuzaki. I think she blames herself for what happened to Light."

"In many ways she was to blame……" Near yawned. He paused, a castle slowly taking shape with the legos. He frowned and flicked a pink block from the top, replacing it with a yellow one. "Think about it from her point of view, she wants to be helpful. But there's nothing she can do."

Ryuuzaki frowned. But Light spoke up. "She's a very good actor, very accomplished. Ryuuzaki, you use Aibur like a spy right? Wedy too?"

"Yes, I stick out like a sore thumb. Typically Aibur and Wedy do the bulk of my surveillance work." Ryuuzaki replied.

"Any chance they would mind an apprentice?" Light asked, he tapped the cap end of a pen someone had left out on the table, clearly thinking.

"I can ask." Ryuuzaki frowned, nibbling his thumb for a moment. "Nomi has already taken an interest in Misa. Made friends with her pretty quickly. I think she feels sorry for her." He paused. "What are you thinking?"

"The saying is 'play to your strengths.'" Light said thoughtfully. "The problem with Misa is that she never thought about what those strengths might be." He chewed on his lip. "Alright, so who visits Taira? I'm assuming from Misa's reaction that she's not likely to help you for awhile Ryuuzaki."

"No, I don't think she will."

"Give her time to cool down." Light sighed.

"Well this meeting is over for now. I'll ask Wedy if she's willing to train Misa in surveillance." Ryuuzaki rolled his eyes. "We can't keep punting her back and forth from thing to thing."

The meeting broke up. Not for the first time Soichiro found his way to Nomi's infirmary. "Nomi…… I wanted to ask about."

"Light?" Nomi guessed.

"Yes," Soichiro finished.

Nomi handed him a mug of coffee. "I can't discuss particulars Mister Yagami. You're his father, but he's old enough that if he doesn't want you to know something medically, he has the right." The medic sighed in disgust. "He's been hiding away a lot. I really think there's a lot he doesn't talk about. I /am/ qualified for counciling, but he hasn't come to me asking." She sighed, looking out the infirmary window. "Do you want my opinion as a person rather than a doctor?"

"If you're willing to offer it."

Nomi blew on her own mug, hojicha tea with a hint of honey. "Light has been hiding away from everyone else but Ryuuzaki. Truly? I think he doesn't want anybody worrying about him. You Japanese are so honor obsessed. Its ridiculous. You do notice though, that he appears a little /too/ clean."

Soichiro stared into his cup. "I did notice."

Nomi took a deep breath before venturing. "Rape victims very often feel unclean, like there's an invisible layer of grime that they can't wash off. Some wash repeatedly, several times a day." She frowned. "I think that reaction was delayed for Light. He was in a hospital bed, weak as hell, head pounding. Soon as what happened sank in." She left off.

"He'll feel better, won't he? Eventually?"

"That Japanese honor again." Nomi scolded, pointing the teaspoon at the elder Yagami. "Some do, some don't. Some recover, but still have their inner demons, as twer. Even if this was an ordinary rape case it would be harder than treating a woman. As his doctor I can't tell you specifics. But I can give you my nosy world view on the subject. If you're willing to hear me lecture you."

"A lecture is better than nothing Ms. Nomi." Soichiro felt like he was being scolded by a school teacher.

"Alright, society is biased in favor of women and trauma, depression, whatever. Its alright for women to express their feelings because woman have long been considered the weaker sex. A woman gets raped she gets pity, offers of condolence, counciling, the police bend over backwards to get justice for her. The incorrect assumption is that rape is something that happens to women. That's just not true. Men who are raped very often sit on it. They don't talk to anybody because men are supposed to be the stronger sex. A weeping man doesn't get as much sympathy. Plus there's homophobia making it worse. They'll scream over and over 'I'm not gay' as if it counted. It doesn't. Rape is about power. Sexualty doesn't enter into it. Statistic for statistic, men are far less likely to report being raped or get counciling for such. What does that say about the state of society?" She asked ruefully. "Add in the case, the…… unique nature of his condition."

When the elder Yagami didn't answer, Nomi looked up. "If its any consolation, Soichiro, no matter what way you look this is a fucked up situation." Her face twisted into a wry grin. "On the other hand, two weeks until we can fit him for glasses."

"That will be a relief." Soichiro didn't sound like he meant it.

"To him it will. I've seen him, he keeps squinting at people, trying to see what they look like, just for the sake of seeing. I even saw him hold a book an inch away from his nose just so he could read it." Nomi shook her head. "Tsk tsk, Soichiro he'll come out alright eventually. He's tougher than you give him credit for. If he hasn't gone stark raving mad by now, I do believe his odds are good." Nomi winked at the older man. "You just watch!"

Light had since slipped into the shower, letting the hot water run over his body. He scrubbed his hair until his scalp hurt and his hair was more tangled than when he went in. Then came the soap, over and over the same parts of his body. The washcloth left his skin raw and sore.

He threw the washcloth down in a snarl. "DAMNIT!" The next words that left his mouth would have made a sailor blush. Light threw the bottle of shampoo, he threw the soap and anything within reach that he could wrap his fingers around. Including the shaving razor.

Light's tantrum was halted when crimson ran down his fingers. "Shit!" He hissed intelligently. He scooped up the thrown washcloth and pressed it to his cut fingers.

"Light?" Ryuuzaki poked his head into the bathroom half an hour later to find Light sitting in the shower, knees drawn up to his chest, nursing his cut fingers numbly with the washcloth. "Your hand……" He crooned softly. "What happened?"

"I threw the wrong thing." Light said numbly. The pile of shampoo bottles, soap, brushes and washcloths at the far end of the bathtub stood testament to that. Including the shaving razor that had cut him.

"I can see that." Ryuuzaki didn't seem to care about the water. He gently pulled the curtain aside.

Light looked up when Ryuuzaki took his cut hand, kissing the knuckles and twining his fingers with Light's. "This can't go on Ryuuzaki." Light sniffled, his tears had mingled with the water. That was one more thing comforting about bathing. Nobody could see how sad you were.

"No. It can't." Ryuuzaki seemed to have been waiting for Light to say something like that. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do I do?" Light asked pathetically. "Where do I go from here….."

Ryuuzaki got soaked doing it, but he climbed into the tub next to Light, still fully clothed. "Here……" He turned off the water. "That's a place to start. Come on, get up." Ryuuzaki guided Light gently up off the floor of the tub. "You know, Nomi is a councilor as well."

"It's the stupidest things that tear you apart. I bathe and bathe and I can't…… /feel/ clean!" Light shuddered. "I keep having nightmares, and I know, I /know/ that not being able to see is making it worse!" The two of them were dripping wet. Light reached for the towel, but Ryuuzaki got there first. The soft terrycloth enfolded him, and Light bowed his head, the tears coming from his eyes clearer now that the water was gone. "You're soaked too, your clothes." Light blushed.

"I'll have to lose them won't I?" Ryuuzaki purred, planting a kiss on Light's forehead. It didn't take long for the detective to slip out of his own clothes. He leaned in to kiss Light gently, on the lips this time. The other reached out to eagerly return the kiss, the two of them tumbled end over end and Light was up against the wall, giggling like a school girl and putting hands everywhere on Ryuuzaki's body he could reach. Thier lips left each other only to breathe. Light was seriously enjoyin this, maybe he and Ryuuzaki could have sex for the first time since the... incident.

Ryuuzaki chuckled behind their locked lips and leaned closer, running a hand down Light's hip, down his butt, over his thighs.

Thank all the powers that be that Ryuuzaki saw the warning signs before Light did. The flashback dominated Light's mind and he screamed, buckling against the wall and dissolving into tears. Ryuuzaki caught him as he fell. Light's eyes were blank and dark with fear and pain. Ryuuzaki's shown with love and tenderness. The flashback faded, and tears in his eyes Light looked up at Ryuuzaki, blinking the hot salty liquid from his worthless half working eyes. And it happened, Ryuuzaki smiled at him, smiled. Light threw his arms around Ryuuzaki and let the detective carry him to the bed and retrieve the first aid kit. (2)

Light stayed quiet while Ryuuzaki carefully cleaned the cuts. "Its alright Light." He said as he carefully put bandaids on the younger man's sliced fingers. "What you just did is normal."

"So falling to the ground in a fit of panic when all you really want is to fuck your boyfriend is normal?" Light demanded. "Lets get dressed, I'll find Nomi."

Ryuuzaki dressed into something clean. Light dressed as well, then rubbed his forehead, "I should have dried my hair too." Or just go take another shower, which he was very tempted to do after that flashback.

Ryuuzaki steered Light away from the bathroom. "You're going to be fine." He reassured Light. "Go, Nomi's now." He urged.

Light bit his lip. "you're right." It was very, very hard to turn his back on the shower. It was very, very hard to admit that there was something wrong here. That he was NOT alright, that he needed help. Light was prideful, but Light was also logical. The situation he was in defied logic.

Ryuuzaki looked behind him, once, to make sure Light was following before setting off through the corridors. Light followed, slightly more cautious though.

It didn't take long at all for the two of them to make it to Nomi's office. "Aren't you coming in with me?" Light asked worriedly.

"I asked Wedy to install surveillance equipment in Yotsuba's main office. I'm going to check on her. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

Nomi's office had two parts to it, one meant for rest, meditation, relaxation. It didn't look at all like what you'd expect the office of a councilor or a shrink or whatever you called the medical professional that gave you a reality check.

Is this a place I can rest my poor head
To gather my thoughts in sweet silence
Is this a place where the feelings arent dead
From an overexposure to violence
And is this a place I can slowly face
The only one I truly can know

The lights were low, with plain white and blue candles on a rich red bookshelf, the heavy low kind that you displayed items on. A radio sat next to the candles churning out music, some sad oldies song. The shelf was strewn with other items. An angel and cruficix sat next to a statue of buddah and a mandala hung behind it. A resin chinese dragon stood guard over the room, a smooth soapstone lion curled lovingly with its mate at the far end of the shelf.

Light moved closer, inspecting the figures as best he could, identifying each by touch. He ended at the candles, just bending to stare into their glow.

These are tears from a long time ago
I got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago

The scent of sandalwood incense drifted on the cool air, coming from a censor and chain, the sort one would see in a catholic church. There were two flame lamps on a tall bookshelf at the other end of the room. There were several blank leather journals on the same shelf. Some kind of Indian carving, depicting a half human half elephant, sat between the flame lamps. An obsidian mirror was on the shelf above the lamps. Several old fashioned volume books were mixed with ordinary or unusual, more modern titles. The lurid colors of a trio of pulps, something called "A gift of dragons" that was in hard cover. And how could a grown woman read Harry Potter? It was weird.

Light inspected each shelf and its contents in turn, leaning in to try and see himself in the stone mirror. It didn't work, it was too dark for him to see his reflection, and the stone was black, how could one see anyway?

Oh darling, oh darling, say unto me
Where have you been all my lifetime
Well I have been swimmin the seven sad seas
Fair women have thrown me their lifelines
And I just pulled them on to the waters dark grin
Id have warned em but I didnt know

Light found pictures hung near the window, some of them were photo's. If he leaned in really hard he could see Nomi and Ryuuzaki as children. Nomi was covered in dirt, so was Ryuuzaki, the two of them trying to plant a flower bed. There was something by Georgia O' Keefe, some kind of flower. There was a Feng shui mirror, a Mardi gras mask of a tiger. Some kind of carved tribal mask, norse maybe, or celtic, or something from that era.

And in the center Light found a portrait. When he leaned in close enough, he could just barely make out the contents of the picture. Ryuuzaki stood with Watari and Mello, Near and Matt. There was another older man that was probably Watari's assistant, Aibur was there, dressed like something out of a black and white film. Nomi had Wedy in a noogie, the both of them laughing. But it was Ryuuzaki that caught Light's attention. He had a cookie dangling from one side of his mouth. A lopsided grin was on his face and his eyes looked alive and bright and he was smiling.

These are tears from a long time ago
Ive got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago

There was a low Japanese table in the center of the room, set up with a teakettle and an electric tile to heat tea. The kettle was chugging away, the old fashioned copper kind that shimmered like liquid fire in the low light. Cups were set out waiting for use. Cushions and mats were arranged around the table. No formal desk to be found anywhere in the room. No stereotypical leather couch.

Well, Ive cried me a river, Ive cried me a lake
Ive cried till the past nearly drowned me
Tears for sad consequences
Tears for mistakes
But never these tears that surround me

"I was expecting you Light." Nomi came out of the room adjutant to the main one. She was carrying a journal under her arm, Light could barely make out a fuzzy blue blob in her hands. "I'm glad you finally decided to talk."

"How, how did you guess?" Light asked, arching an eyebrow. "Ryuuzaki didn't tell you did he?"

"No, but I have a way with reading people." Nomi chuckled. "You're a reasonable sort Light. You tried taking this on on your own and you failed. The only logical solution would be to actually connect with somebody besides Ryuuzaki for the first time since this happened and talk about what's happened. I know its been hard for you to actually say anything, you must have felt so horrible holding everything in."

"It couldn't go on." Light brought his cut hand up to his face for inspection.

Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace
And a heartbeat that tells me its so

"No, it couldn't." Nomi said gently.

"How do I start?" Light asked, taking a seat on a thick black cushion near the table. The room felt so comfortable, like he was walking into a space both welcoming and sacred.

"Anywhere Light. Anywhere you need to talk, or think, anything that's bothering you." Nomi pulled up a rich goldenrod yellow cushion, very bold but very simple.

Ive got these tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
And I need to cry 30 years or so

Light was quiet for several moments. He sipped the tea he was given, gathering his thoughts. "I suppose, I could start with……"

These are tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
Ive got these tears from a long time ago

1.The fox and the pearl is an old folkstory from Japan similar to stories of leprochans. A human stole the fox's pearl. And the fox must do whatever the human tells it to. But the instant the human gives back the pearl, the fox kills, attacks, or otherwise maims the person who took his pearl in retribution for its theft. The human would have to reason with the fox to spare him his life.

2. I was trying to recreate and reverse the scene where L dies in "Silence" only instead of Light catching Ryuuzaki and watching him die, Ryuuzaki catches Light and takes care of his boo boos.