A/N: I had intended this to be a one chapter fic but I've had several requests to write a second chapter - so here you go.

Jim starred at Spock for a long moment than sat down hard.

"What do you remember?" Jim's voice cracked and he cringed at the sound.

Spock shook his head. "Jim, if I remembered enough to answer that question I would not have had to ask it." Spock gave an uncharacteristic sigh. "I am tired of questions that have no answers. I am tired of waiting to find out what I once knew. The priestess took many things from my mind, altered memories and perceptions. Things are not as they should be between us, Jim. This I do know. I am unsure the cause or the solution and I have a suspicion that it has been this way longer than my death alone would explain." Spock's eyes softened to a gently pleading look. "Please Jim, I need to know who I am."

Jim let a small sad smile fleet across his face. "Spock, you've been trying to answer that question since before I even met you. I'm afraid I've never been much help. I think I muddy the waters more than anything." Spock let his confusion show and Jim was glad the Vulcan could show him that much trust with so little information to go on. "I guess I'm not sure where to start? I mean, do you want the good news, the bad news, or the whole thing in a wild jumble? I'm not convinced I even know the whole story. I can only tell you my half of it."

Spock simply stared at him and Jim couldn't help but fidget in his chair. "Okay, I guess I should just get it out in the open." Spock nodded and Jim swallowed. "We were lovers."

Spock's face didn't even twitch and Jim wanted badly to run from the room. When Spock gave him the Vulcan-no-emotion-AT-ALL look it usually meant something bad was about to happen.

"I..."Jim swallowed again. "I didn't want you to know."

"Why." Spock's voice was hard and Jim winced. There was not much of a question in the tone, more an accusation.

"I didn't want to make you choose again." Jim looked down at the floor. "Look, I'm not good at relationships. You have to remember that much at least. I'm a lousy partner and I make an even lousier secret lover. You never wanted anyone to know about us, you constantly had problems with what we were doing." Jim sighed and looked back up. "I care too much about you to make you go through that again. I can't watch you rip yourself apart because you're too scared to hurt me by leaving and to unhappy to stay. That's why you left for Gol. When you came back we started up again, but we never talked about it. We never sat down and had it out about your leaving. We just pretended we'd gone back to normal-- that those years never happened. I watched you pull away a little more everyday." Jim hung his head. "Spock, I've lost you twice now and I'd rather simply have you for my friend than risk a third." He slowly made eye contact. "I'm not asking you to come back this time. I'm not going to make your life hell again. I can't take it myself. I was never ashamed of us and I can't keep going on like I am." Jim stood up quickly and started pacing the floor, running his hands through his hair.

"Damn it, Spock! I'm too old for this. I'm a fat middle aged man that's spent his life chasing the next adrenaline rush. I've had about all I can take of pretending. I pretend I'm always in control, I pretend that it doesn't hurt me every time you purposefully sit at the other side of a dinner table. I'm even tired of hitting on slutty alien women to keep up appearances. I'm not going to go through it again and I'm not going to put you through it either. It hurt you too, I know that. I'm just..."

"Confused." Spock broke his silence. "Why did you not speak to me of this? I can not control what the healers took from me, but you had years to discuss my leaving for Gol. Why not approach me then?" Spock's eyes stayed hard.

Jim snorted. "I'm a coward, Spock. At the time I figured an angsty self-hating lover was better than none."

"No." Spock shook his head. "There is more to this. I have to know it all." Spock moved closer to Jim, pinning him in up against a stack of boxes. "Meld with me."

Jim shock his head no but didn't try to move as Spock reached out for his meld points. "Spock..." Jim swallowed hard. "Spock, you really don't want in here right now."

Spock raised an eyebrow but kept going. As his fingers touched Jim's face the meld sprang to life easily with almost no effort. Spock's first impression was how angry Jim was at himself for not simply throwing his arms around Spock the moment he entered the room and never letting go instead of picking an argument. But Spock pushed passed that superficial emotion and dug deeper. Jim tried to guide him towards the good memories and Spock took them in, but he moved through them quickly, past Jim's defenses and into the places he felt he'd never gone before. He saw into the dark corners of Jim's mind. He saw the guilt Jim felt, and his certainty that Spock had done what he had in the engine room to escape from what they were – to leave once and for all and to never be tempted to return as he had from Gol.

Spock broke contact suddenly and sat down on the floor in shock. Jim slowly slide down the boxes and they sat there, face to face with their knees touching, and neither said a word.

Slowly, Spock began to shake his head. "You think I committed suicide?" His voice was shaky and his eyes actually looked wet. "How could you think I would do such a thing? I wanted nothing more than to save the ship, to save you!"

Jim started crying, long slow tears that seemed to pull his soul out with them. "You left me." His voice cracked. "You left me again. What was I supposed to think?"

Spock's whole body gave a shudder. "Jim, your memories unlocked some of what the priestesses hide from me. I did not ask you to hide, for us to hide, because I was ashamed." Spock leaned forward a bit and gently wiped Kirk's tears with the side of his finger before slowly feeding the droplets back to his lover, depositing the precious moister on his parted lips. The familiar ancient Vulcan gesture made both men shiver. "I asked you to hide our relationship because it had to be done, for both of us."

"Starfleet allows officers to become involved on deep space missions," Jim argued --desperately trying to keep himself from moving into or pulling away from Spock's touch. "They've accepted same-sex couples for centuries, faster even than civilian authorities in some cases."

"Yes," Spock agreed and lowered his hand back into his lap. "But that would not have stopped them from ruining your career, passing you over for promotion, or even taking the Enterprise away from you at the end of the first mission. At the very least they would have separated us believing you could not command me with such an intense emotional connection - it is standard procedure to do so at the end of missions when officers are known to have been involved." Spock's eyes grew harsh and his voice cold. "You have enemies as well, Jim. They would use our relationship against you if they could, or at the very least strive to cause you pain. They would have done all they could to make sure every command decision you made was questioned. There were multiple instances when one of us broke regulations to assist the other. It is likely we both would have been court marshaled."

Spock leaned his head back against the wall behind him. "There are also familiar reasons why I did not wish for our relationship to become public. Father has never forgiven me entirely for entering Star Fleet. He is also concerned that I have not produced an heir for the House of Surak. Vulcan does not persecute our kind, but they do not understand it – it is simply not done." Spock sighed. "It is not logical and what is not logical is merely tolerated with a certain amount of distain so long as it is kept quiet and out of the public eye. If Sarek and certain members of Starfleet allied on this issue it would make our lives difficult."

Spock closed his eyes. "If our relationship had become public father would have had to answer on Vulcan for why his son had not only disobeyed his orders, but was behaving in such an illogical way. Sarek is already under great scrutiny for his marriage to my mother. His career could not have afforded another blow." Spock's face grew tight and when he opened his eyes they were dark and bitter. "Father would not have taken a demotion easily. He would have used all his resources to insure that you and I fell under the same social sanctions as he."

Jim looked at Spock disbelievingly. "You mean to tell me you never felt ashamed? Spock, we've melded to many times for that work."

Spock shook his head no and closed his eyes again. "It is illogical that I should be in love in at all. Vulcans strive to find a state where they do not need to love. I very much need to love you, Jim, and to have you return that emotion." He heard and felt Jim start at the admission. It was the first time Spock had ever used those words out loud. "I felt and feel shame for my lack of logic, not for how I feel about you. What we had, Jim, was very precious to me. The priestesses would have hidden it away because it was not logical and because I had long ago decided that I did not care. By the time I returned from Gol I had made my decision. I no longer wished to be able to live without my emotions. I wished instead to learn to live with them. I had come to believe that there were now enough people who considered me a friend that it would be safe to do so again." Spock opened his eyes and lowered them to make contact, heated black boring into started brown.

"You have to understand, Jim, that when I joined Star Fleet I intended to follow my mother's path and not my father's -- having never gained acceptance on Vulcan I sought it on Earth. I once acted close to human." Spock looked down at the floor with that admission before clearing his throat to continue. "I abandoned almost all my Vulcan teachings and let myself be as I thought I was. I soon found that I could not interact with others while behaving as such. My classmates, and later my shipmates, could not understand how a 'Vulcan' could smile or laugh or do anything that wasn't the typical Vulcan stoicism. So I gave up. I was not a good Vulcan; I was not a good human. I was something else. Since I was now confined to a ship of primarily humans, I began to behave as they expected me to and by all outer appearances I had again embraced my Vulcan heritage."

Spock shifted on the floor to bring his knees in front of himself. "By the time Chris Pike left command I'd become as you know me now -- the image of the consummate Vulcan. We both know that the illusion is only outer, inside I am the hybrid, the half-breed." Spock let out his own very non-Vulcan snort, something Jim hadn't heard since before Gol. "I see now why the healers hid so much of my memory." He looked hard at Jim. "I am not a very well adjusted lifeform." Jim jumped as Spock let out a harsh self-deprecating chuckle, the sound grating and foreign to both men's ears. "I see I have even managed to make the only person who ever cared for me hate himself and wish to deny me his company."

"Spock..." Kirk tried to break in but Spock held his hand up for silence.

"No, Jim, I must finish this. You never asked me about Gol. It is time you know why I left." Spock hugged his knees to his chest even tighter. "I had to learn who I was. I had to know, was I Vulcan or was I human? Which thing was I a failure at? I could not live with the thought that I was both a bad emotional creature and a terrible logical one. I had to find myself."

"By purging all emotion?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Surak said that in order to find logic and wisdom one must accept one's emotions by moving through them and past them. Only by going through your emotions could you discover the truth of one's actions. Gol was once a place for self reflection. The end result would appear to be a creature devoid of emotion but the actual product would have been an individual that was attune enough with himself that they could accept their emotions and no longer had need to express or repress them. They simply were - neither a distraction nor a necessity only a fact. I had hoped it would bring me peace."

Jim's eyebrows knitted together in confusion and Spock decided to try again. "I went to Gol in order to find a place without distraction where I could look within and discover what I was-- who I was. I did not go to escape you or our relationship. The issues I was struggling with deeply rooted and had plagued me since childhood." Spock turned his face away to look at the bulk head. "I could not be for you what you needed unless I could be for myself. I went to Gol so I could eventually let you know me as I could not then know myself. I failed."

Jim reached his hand out and touched Spock's knee. "Look at me." Spock turned just enough to catch the corner of Jim's eye. "Why didn't you say goodbye?" Jim's voice again cracked and a new line of tears slide down his cheek. "I went to your quarters to have our normal game of chess and you were gone. Everything was gone. There wasn't even a note."

Spock's eyes darkened with what Jim recognized as sadness and regret before he blinked quickly to hide the emotion. "Had I stayed long enough to do so, I would not have left - you would have tried to talk me out of it. Our second mission had ended. You were headed for the Admiralty and I was expected to take command of another deep space vessel. You had been encouraging me to do so and in my youth I assumed you wished to be rid of me. I was unsure then the depth of your feeling for me but I knew how much I needed you. If you remember we had yet to meld deeply and had only done basic level melds normally in the course of a mission. It was not until I had returned from Gol that I came to know your mind well enough to realize my error. At the time our tour ended, I had been unable to meditate for weeks and the stress was clouding my logic. Gol seemed the answer to all my problems. I would still not be with you, but it offered the hope of finding a way to diminish that pain while command would have only intensified it. I thought that perhaps by the time I returned Star Fleet would have a position available at the Academy or at Headquarters and I might be able to return to your side as a friend if nothing more." Spock slowly reached for Jim's hand and squeezed it almost too hard. "I ask thee for forgiveness. I meant no harm."

Jim didn't know what to say. He'd spent so long pretending it didn't hurt, hadn't taken place. He couldn't understand what was happening. First Spock didn't remember anything, now he seemed to remember it all, only nothing was as Jim though it was...Jim squeezed Spock's hand back. "I can't..." Spock's face fell and Jim quickly added, "I can't forgive you unless you forgive me."

"Thee have done nothing." Spock managed to croak out. "It is not thou's place to ask for forgiveness."

Jim shook his head and reached out his other hand towards Spock's, pulling it away from his knees and bringing them closer. Spock only used formal language when the situation was grim and Jim wanted to give him so kind of comfort. "Spock, I shouldn't have let my own fears project onto you, if I'd known what was going on..." Jim smiled sadly. "We're old fools, you and I. Here we are debating ancient history. I...I missed you."

In return, Spock's mouth quirked in what Jim knew was a smile. "Parted from me but never parted."

"Forever and always?"

Spock nodded. "Forever and always."

They sat like that for a long moment before Jim sighed again and broke eye contact. "We can't just start up again like nothing's happened."

"Agreed." Spock pulled Jim closer till they were sitting side by side, Jim leaning against Spock's shoulder. "But we will have to begin somewhere."

Jim turned and hugged his old friend, chuckling into Spock's chest. Spock's arms instinctively went around Jim's shoulders and held him tightly. "Will you just hold me like this for a while? I need to have something solid here to hold me up. I think reality's just become a bit too fluid for my liking."

Spock didn't say a word but Jim felt a gentle tap at his mind. Spock gently slipped back into the meld and Jim relaxed into both the Vulcan's thoughts and his arms. The meld was not the superficial kind that Spock had tentatively initiated during those heady days of their first mission. It was the deeper kind that Jim had come to crave in their last few years together -- the kind that felt like he was swimming in Spock, the Vulcan's essence swirling around Jim like the summer waters in the family pond back in Iowa. Everything was laid bare in these melds, there to be read and experienced if either of them wished.

Spock never had hid anything from Jim in the melds, Jim had just never had the courage to look for answers fearing what he would find. It had only been Jim's fears tainting their memories, clouding what they both should have known all along. Spock gently chided Jim for blaming himself-- Spock's mental presence as light and intense as it always had been bathing Jim's mind in warmth. The past was done. They would just have to deal with the scars. They both had plenty to being with anyway, what was a few more?

Spock and Jim spent the rest of the day and most of the night sitting on the floor of Jim's quarters, their minds wrapped in each others like soft blankets. Jim helped Spock sift through the memories, undoing what the Priestesses had done. There were still patches of nothingness where there should have been memories, but the largest hole was now filled.

They parted company reluctantly, Jim pulling back out of the meld first. He knew what could happen if he let Spock stay in it to long. Spock had shown him the conversation with Amanda that had started it all and Jim had to agree with the woman. While a bond would be wonderful he would not endanger Spock's life. Jim could tell that his Vulcan lover was more than willing to take the risk, but he would not even hear of it. Spock had already died once for him, Jim would not let that happen again. Spock, however, knew that like his parents a bond was inevitable.

When Spock left to beam back down to Earth and retrieve his possessions he made a point of letting his paired fingers linger against Jim's. His dark eyes were glittery in the artificial light, a promise burning in their depths. Spock would not be long. They had wasted enough time apart. Now each moment would be counted and held dearly. Parted and never parted.

Jim watched the Vulcan's back retreat down the corridor until it disappeared around a bend. He smiled as he stiffly walked back into his cabin and gently picked up the wooden box, placing it on the shelf with reverence.

Spock paused outside the door to Sickbay on his way to the transporter room. The door whished open but the Vulcan did not enter. Doctor McCoy was rummaging in a storage cabinet just inside and he turned quickly hearing the sound. Spock nodded at him once, the corner of his mouth quirking up ever so slightly. McCoy's mouth dropped open and Spock turned quickly and walked down the corridor before the doctor could recover enough to begin to ask questions. Spock could hear the southern voice calling his name all the way to the transporter room. Spock entered the room and gave his instructions to the transporter technician on duty. He had just stepped onto the plate when the doctor ran through the door out of breath.

"Damn it, Spock! I want details!" McCoy yelled at the Vulcan.

Spock's eyebrow rose in response. He placed his hands behind his back and turned to the technician. "Energize." The hum of the transporter drowned out the doctor's curses quite effectively.

When Spock rematerialized planet side he did not waste time. He went immediately to his quarters. Most of his belongings were in storage on Vulcan where they had been shipped after his death. There was very little to pack. While he did so he placed a request with communications. He had just finished folding the last tunic when the computer chimed that his call was ready.

Spock sat down at the small desk and keyed the control. His father's face came into view, one eyebrow already raised in question. Spock greeted his father formally. Both men stared at each other in for a long moment before Spock broke the silence.

"I was attempting to reach mother. Is she onboard the vessel as well?" Spock asked slowly. His mothers name had been on the passenger manifest but not his father's.

Sarek's mouth hardened. "She is onboard. I became aware of her presence on Earth shortly before the transport was scheduled to leave. I decided to accompany her back to Vulcan at this time rather than wait the extra 13.57 hours for the diplomatic shuttle. Logic suggested that she and I confer on several issues that have recently come to light. The journey to Vulcan should provide a suitable time frame for the discussions to take place." Sarek paused. "She is currently indisposed."

Spock allowed the corner of his mouth to lift ever so slightly which caused his father's eyebrow to return to his hairline. Amanda had no doubt encountered a lecture from her husband upon discovery. Her indisposition was most likely caused by her locking herself in the bathroom and refusing to have anything to do with him until he apologized. Spock had grown used to such arguments during his youth. They always ended with his stoic father purchasing a large box of some sort of Earth sweet. "Indeed father, I hope she is well." Sarek's eyebrow dropped back to normal but Spock could detect a displeased scowl even over the somewhat fuzzy subspace channel.

"She is well, my son. What was the reason for you call?"

Spock sat just a bit straighter. "I wished to thank mother for the advice she imparted after the conclusion of the trial. I found her counsel quite informative. She will wish to know that her suspicions were indeed confirmed." Spock again felt his mouth quirk as his father's scowl deepened to near un-Vulcan levels. "Human intuition is a remarkable thing, father. They are correct more often than not. This phenomenon bares closer scientific investigation."

Sarek's sigh could be heard even over the comm. "I will give her your message. I am sure she will be pleased by it." Sarek obviously wasn't, but Spock could see he was resigned to the inevitable. Sarek raised his hand in farewell and Spock spread his fingers to match before the comm went blank.

Spock stood up from the computer and moved to the small kitchen to pack the last of the tea items he had left out from his mother's visit. He placed the two cups and the pot carefully in the padded crate and closed the lid firmly. He put the handful of crates and boxes by the door and left orders with command to have his things transported to the Enterprise as soon as possible. He was returning home. The cadet manning the desk had stuttered at that and Spock let a hint of his amusement show. His mother was correct once again. He was not only his father's son. A balance had finally been struck.