Me: Um, Brain, shouldn't we be completing the, like, half-dozen partially-finished things we've got hanging all over the place instead of starting something new?

Brain: No! You shall not deny me this delicious piece of complete and utter crack!

Me: But—

Brain: Shut up and write!

Me: Eep! –scrambles to obey–

Dedicated as always to Amarissia and the choir. And now I'm going to bed where I should have been hours ago.

Debauched SOLDIER

Before Zack even got through the stable doors he could hear the distinctive clip of a pair of high heels sounding off the wooden floor. Visit from a ShinRa exec…? he wondered briefly before stepping into the building. Although she didn't seem prone to that sort of thing, Phi still was a ShinRa employee and Gaia knew they loved to check up on operations.

However, instead of one of the smartly-dressed rather stern-looking women ShinRa seemed to attract, all Zack saw was Phi. The dark-haired teen was left to pause for a moment, scratching his head, until she moved and he realized she was the one wearing high heels. She was wearing high heels? She was wearing shoes? It so rarely happened and when the diminutive vet did actually allow her feet to be "imprisoned" it was always in a pair of sandals or something similarly comfortable and easy to remove.

And she wasn't just walking either. She was strutting as though moving down a catwalk, each step confident and strong, hips swaying, one arm swinging freely while the other rested on her waist, that resounding clip clip clip accenting the performance. A flip of her hair let him see that her nearly ever-present earbuds were, well, present, and he assumed the rhythm she was moving with probably matched whatever song was currently mainlining into her brain. Chuckling at the spectacle, he stood watching for a minute, arms crossed, shaking his head.

Phi stopped suddenly, struck a pose, both hands now on her waist, one hip thrust out. Then she looked back over her shoulder, peering at the dark-haired teen over the top of her glasses, a slightly wicked smile curving her lips.

"Hey, Handsome."

Zack shook his head and went to her side. "What are you doing?"

The brunette stretched her arms up and tapped one heel against the floor. "Just enjoying the feel of power."

Zack's face adopted a confused mien which made him look about twelve years old (it was one of Phi's favorite Zack looks). "Power?"

"Power," she repeated. "I don't usually like dressing up" – she gave him a wry look and self-mockingly waved a hand at her typical outfit of loose-fitting pants and a tank top – "but every once in a while it's nice to feel pretty and sexy. And…." She grinned and tapped her heel again to make it clack. "Nothing beats the power of a pair of heels."

Now Zack raised a brow. "Uh, I still don't get it."

She chuckled. "Okay, just listen to this." Facing the other way she began to walk again, less strutting this time but still assuredly making her steps ring. Stopping, she turned around and smiled at him. "Now, what does that sound like to you?" Zack's mind was immediately drawn back to when he'd first heard the sound and assumed it was an executive, and he had to admit that maybe Phi had a point.

"I guess it's kind of authoritative," he relented.

The woman smiled at his half-assed comment. "Damn straight it is." She began walking back toward him, her words punctuated with each step. "It's confidence" – clip – "and it's strength" – clip – "and it's sex" – clip – "and it's power." With a finally clip she came to a halt a few steps away. "Way more potent than anything you could accomplish with those clunkers." She pointed with disdain at Zack's standard combat boots.

"Hey now!" Zack protested. "These, uh … well, they…." Dejectedly he trailed off as he realized there was really no argument he could make. The noise they made wasn't necessarily what Zack would term "impressive" and they were ugly as hell, honestly. "Yeah, okay, maybe."

Phi smirked at him. "See, this is the kind of power you will never know, SOLDIER. Although…." Cocking her head to the side she looked at him speculatively for a moment and then gave him a calculating half-smile. "Well, you could, if you were up to the challenge." The teen bristled at the word "challenge", his sense of masculine pride raised at the veiled implication that there was something he could not or would not do. Plus, well, Zack was Zack. When the hell had he ever backed down from anything?

"I'm sure I can take whatever you dish out," he replied cockily, bending down to put himself more on eye level and also to tease her.

"Alright then. You got free time today?" He nodded. "Then meet me back here, in the office, in half an hour." The SOLDIER agreed then left, mind filled with thoughts of whatever this "challenge" was that Phi had devised for him, confident that there was nothing he couldn't handle.

He was entirely unaware that as soon as he was out of earshot, the brunette had doubled over, unable to suppress her wild laughter any longer.

xXx

Me and my big, fucking, stupid mouth. Upon stepping into the office, Zack's bright eyes had gone wide when he saw what Phi had waiting for him. He didn't even want to think about where she'd gotten them.

"Something wrong, Handsome?" the little demon inquired, positively oozing with faux innocence and concern.

Zack gave her a mildly irritated look as he sighed inwardly. After all, he had agreed to this…. "Not at all," he answered as nonchalantly as possible. "Just wondering where the hell you got a pair that'll actually fit me."

Phi tutted and waved a dismissively. "Never you mind. Come on already, get those beasts off." With an outward sigh this time, the teen obeyed, sitting on the chair behind the desk and removing his boots and the socks underneath. Grinning from ear to ear, the vet handed him the pair of shoes she'd had waiting for him when he returned. The pair of heels, more specifically. Simple, black, tasteful. But still. Heels. He hesitated a moment longer while Phi looked on, challenging him with her eyes, before strengthening his resolve and slipping the first shoe onto his foot. He took a second to pause and look at it critically. Shaking his head, he quickly donned the other one and then, unsure, rose to his feet.

Led on by Phi's encouraging noises and gestures, the now-blushing teen took a few tentative steps. Surprisingly he found the heels were not very difficult to move in. It probably helped that they weren't ridiculously tall nor the stems those frighteningly thin dagger-like ones. Emboldened, Zack began to walk around the room with greater boldness, actually beginning to enjoy the ring of the heels firmly sounding with each step. His good humor now restored he even sashayed a bit, giving Phi a goofy grin and flipping his hair with a hand.

"Not bad, right?" she asked, clearly enjoying his antics. "But … you're not getting quite the whole experience. There're a couple other pieces you need before you can truly get a sense of the power."

"Oh?" he asked, intrigued despite himself. From a bag under her desk Phi produced two articles of clothing. Zack blanched when he realized one was some kind of white buttoned-down blouse while the other was … a skirt. "No way," he protested. "I can't!"

"Oh, come on," she cajoled. "That's not the Handsome I know. You've got more self-confidence than that. I mean, hello? You've taken down how many big, ugly, scary things? You can't tell me you're going to let a little skirt do you in." The little vet stood with her hands on her hips, one brow cocked as if to say she couldn't possibly ever conceive of such a thing.

Zack wavered. "Yeah, but what if someone…."

She cut the half-assed concern off with a swipe of her hand. "Don't worry about it! You know that hardly anybody comes out here. Besides, it's pretty empty right now. Only a few chicks and no one ever checks up on them. Plus, you're in here. The door's closed. It's safe, I promise." The smile she gave him was gentle and reassuring and infinitely wicked in its subtle manipulation. Conflicted, Zack's eyes darted between Phi and the daunting attire.

"… You promise?"

The smile she beamed at him was nearly blinding. "Absolutely, Handsome! So, what do you say?"

The teen let out a heavy breath then answered. "Okay. But no one had better find out about this!"

"Oh, don't worry. This is our little secret." He gave her a searching look, finding nothing but sincerity, and silently held his hand out for the clothes. With Phi's help he awkwardly wiggled into the blouse and skirt after discarding his usual SOLDIER's uniform. When it was done, he had to grudgingly admit he was impressed. The lady had done her homework. Besides fitting correctly (which he thought was a feat in itself) the blouse was cut in such a way that it pulled in at his waist and flared out, giving the impression of hips. The three-quarter sleeves were just baggy enough to disguise his biceps without looking too loose. The pleats in the plaid skirt aided in the illusion of hips, falling high on his thighs. That and the heels combined to make his legs look even longer. Well, there was no way he'd ever pass for a woman, but really … he didn't look too bad.

"Hot damn, Handsome," Phi breathed. "That is something else." Her eyes were sparkling madly as she took in the sight and Zack couldn't help but wonder, if this was the way she was reacting (she who, regardless of all her teasing, he knew had nothing but platonic feelings towards him) what would Sephiroth think?...

No, no, no, bad thoughts, Zack, he chided himself. There was no way he'd ever let Sephiroth find out about this. He'd never live it down.

"I guess … it's not too bad, huh?"

"Not too bad? That's the bloody understatement of the year. This was definitely a great idea." The woman stepped back and once more admired her handiwork. Then she consulted her watch.

"Look, I have to just go check on those chicks real quick; I'll be right back. Just stay in here, 'kay? Practice moving around or something." Zack nodded absently and Phi slipped out, pulling the door closed behind her. She took a few steps away and then, unable to contain herself, pumped her fists into the air, wiggling her hips and just barely keeping from bursting with jubilant laughter. Calming herself a notch, she dug out her PHS and dialed, waiting impatiently for the other person to pick up (she hadn't even removed her earbud).

The look on her face went from girlishly delighted to wickedly pleased when her call was finally answered. "This is Philomena. I have something here in the stable office that I think you would like to see. And if I were you, I'd get my sexy ass down here right quick." Without waiting for a response she disconnected, took a few more dancing, celebratory steps and then disappeared into the SurgiStall, thinking, That boy really should have asked me to be more specific about what I meant by "our."

Meanwhile, dear Zack was aware of none of this. Taking Phi's advice to heart, he slowly began a circuit around the small office. After a few minutes he began to get more into it, making an effort to swish his almost nonexistent hips, watching intrigued as the skirt swished as well. But … it wasn't quite right. Looking self-consciously at the door, he bit his lip and then made his decision. Trying not to think about it, he quickly whipped off his boxers, the only article of his own clothing he'd left on. (Platonic she might be, but that didn't mean Phi was above enjoying a free show if given the opportunity, and that now belonged solely to Sephiroth.) Grinning in amusement, he went to the desk and leaned over, resting his hands on the surface and thrusting his ass out. With his head turned back over his shoulder, he giggled a bit as he wiggled his bottom, making the skirt flare even more.

It was at that precise moment, of course, that Sephiroth opened the door and took a faltering step inside.

Whatever deity is responsible for this, know that when I make it to the Lifestream, the first thing I will be doing is ramming the Buster straight up your ass. Sideways, Zack prayed blasphemously. Thus done with his invocation – or rather, threat – he turned his attentions to attempting to figure out that neat little teleporting thing Sephiroth did. That he'd never managed to accomplish it before didn't deter him – he figured that at the moment his sheer level of embarrassment would grant him powers hitherto unknown. But then Sephiroth breathed just one word – "Fuck" – and the teen's focus snapped back to the silver-haired man.

He'd never seen Sephiroth look that way before, as though he were completely blindsided. And not in a "What in the name of the Lifestream and all that is holy is my SOLDIER doing in a skirt and heels, is he completely mental" kind of way. No, in fact … Zack's eyes bounced down to the man's groin and when he saw the tell-tale bulge starting there any embarrassment was instantly forgotten and he was straight back into typical Zack mode. That meaning he was going to play this for all it was worth.

Cocking his hip coquettishly, he batted his eyes and gave the man what was meant to be an innocent smile as he posed over the desk, pretending to hold a pen in his hand. "Oh, General Sephiroth. I was told you needed to do some dictation?" Sephiroth blinked slowly once and then the man Zack knew was back, a faint smirk tugging the corner of his mouth. He stepped the rest of the way into the room, closing the door behind him.

"That's correct. But first I think I should gauge your skills, don't you?"

"Whatever you say, General," Zack answered amicably as he ever so casually rubbed his thigh, lifting the skirt just high enough to let Sephiroth see that there was nothing underneath. He grinned with wicked satisfaction when he saw the man's hand clench into a fist.

"I think I'll begin by testing your oral skills," the silver-haired man stated in an annoyingly steady voice as he removed his gloves, tossing them heedlessly onto the desk. Zack straightened and turned to face him as he stepped closer until there was almost no space between them. The teen put his hands back on the desk, leaning back just a little and tilting his face up, waiting patiently. Sephiroth smiled and lowered his head, first just brushing his lips over Zack's, then applying more pressure, coaxing Zack to open his mouth and then drawing his tongue into slow, lingering battle. It was only with a concentrated effort that the dark-haired teen kept his hands to himself.

Finally Sephiroth pulled away and Zack tried not to groan at the loss of contact.

"Satisfactory," the man declared and Zack almost stuck his tongue out at the teasing tone. "Now I'd like to see your oral skills applied in another area."

"Whatever you'd like, General," he agreed with a grin, reversing their positions so that Sephiroth was now leaning against the desk. Then he slowly sank to his knees, running his hands down the man's chest to the fastenings of his pants. Gently, he pulled them open and slid them down enough to free the now fully-erect member straining against the unyielding material. Zack took a moment to enjoy the sight before him and then set to work.

He truly enjoyed doing this for Sephiroth, feeling that beautiful body tensing in pleasure, seeing the lust hazing those unique eyes, tasting this most intimate part. Beginning with gentle swirls of his tongue around the head, he sucked the very tip into his mouth, then withdrew, a little more, then withdrew again, over and over until he slid most of the considerable length in, relaxing his throat to allow as much as possible. Gripping the man's hips he began sucking and working his tongue, bobbing and hmming moans, letting Sephiroth's hands on his head guide him in the best rhythm.

Abruptly, Zack was pulled away and he grinned, knowing Sephiroth must have been close. He'd allowed Zack to give him proper blowjobs before, but if there was time and opportunity to take it all the way he preferred to come inside Zack, not just in his mouth.

"Anything else, sir?" he asked innocently, still playing his role. Sephiroth hauled him back onto his feet and switched their positions yet again, pressing Zack into the desk.

"Just a physical," he replied shortly before he set about driving the teen "batshit", as he liked to say. Zack wasn't ticklish per se, but in situations like this he seemed to become hypersensitive, especially in certain areas. And Sephiroth had carefully and thoroughly rooted out and explored each one of them. While one hand began undoing the buttons of the blouse, the other was busy lightly stroking the back of Zack's neck, causing his head to fall back. Sephiroth moved his mouth to Zack's ear, first just barely running his lips over the shell, letting his breath aid in the gentle stimulation, while Zack moaned and clutched at him desperately, trying to bring them as close together as possible. The man smirked and drew the lobe into his mouth, using his teeth and tongue to play with the stud piercing the soft flesh. This had been a relatively new discovery and one Zack seemed to enjoy a great deal.

Sephiroth lingered there for a few more moments before moving down the teen's jaw to his neck where his teeth punished and his lips soothed as all the while Zack moaned and panted and cursed, writhing and running his hands all over the body pressing against him. The silver-haired man pushed the blouse off, moving to nip and suck along one beautifully sculpted shoulder as his hands stroked the smooth, tight chest. The hands roved lower, down the sides of the teen's legs, then around the back and up again, pushing the skirt up with them and coming to rest on the firm flesh of Zack's ass. He used his grip to grind their hips together and Zack cried out, throwing his arms around Sephiroth's neck and pulling him into searing, open kiss, not breaking it even when Sephiroth shifted his hands down and lifted under Zack's legs to sit him up on the desk.

The silver-haired man removed the little bottle of lube that he'd taken to carrying with him, coating his fingers and quickly but gently inserting one, then two fingers into Zack's opening. The teen cried out again, finally breaking the kiss as his head tipped back and he spread his legs wider to allow better access. Sephiroth added a third, continuing to stretch his SOLDIER, occasionally brushing against the prostate in order to hear those unintelligible cries issuing from those beautiful lips.

"Do you want me?" he whispered in Zack's ear, purposely letting his lips brush against it.

"Yes, fuck yes, please!!" was the half-sobbed answer and with one more smirk and a coating of himself with the lube, Sephiroth obliged, inserting just a bit and then thrusting in fully. Zack cried out again, partly relief, mostly pleasure, and the tiniest bit pain. Sephiroth gave him a moment to adjust. When Zack had relaxed and was instead beginning to look impatient, the silver-haired man told him, "Wrap your legs around me" and began moving when the dark-haired teen obeyed. As Zack supported himself on increasingly shaking arms, Sephiroth wrapped one arm around his waist and used his other hand to help keep the teen's head up, wanting to see those winking blues as he drove into that delicious body, harder and faster as it was demanded.

Nearing his end, Sephiroth slid the hand at Zack's back to his arousal, pumping it with his thrusts. With a final cry the teen came and Sephiroth followed not long after, reveling in the sensation of filling Zack – his Zack, his SOLIDER – with his essence. For a moment they both paused, basking in the afterglow, and then Sephiroth slid out. Gently, he laid the spent teen on the desk and carefully let himself collapse on top, enjoying the heat of Zack's skin and the rapid rise and fall of his chest, smiling as he felt trembling fingers working their way through his silky hair.

xXx

Sephiroth exited the office after Zack left (after quite a bit of rest and properly dressed in his own clothes) and went down to the SurgiStall to find Phi sterilizing her instruments. She set them down when she heard him enter and approached him wearing a rather lewd smile.

"So?"

"I truly don't understand it," Sephiroth remarked with a mild frown. "Zack is not stupid by any means and yet you manage to convince him to do the most idiotic things. He doesn't even seem to realize it."

"That's 'cause I was raised by a fluffy black kitten with big grey eyes," Phi answered with a wide grin. "And he taught me everything there is to know about manipulation." She wrapped her arms around one of his own, paused for a moment and, when he gave no objections, giggled and squeezed delightedly.

When Sephiroth had first me the mad little vet he had been nearly positive that she was schizophrenic. There was a brushed, polished, professional side to her, strong and capable, absolutely devoted to the chocobos and willing to go toe-to-toe (albeit while still maintaining decorum) with her superiors when she didn't agree with something. She was clearly intelligent and knowledgeable about her field and Sephiroth admired that, as he did in all who showed such qualities.

And then the other side had reared its crazy head. The sly, suggestive and infinitely more free-spirited side that called Sephiroth "Gorgeous" and – he was fairly certain – would have run off with his hair if such a thing was possible. (He'd never understood the raving about his mane. The only reason it was so long was that it grew at a ridiculous rate and it was simply easier to lop a few feet off every once and a while rather than try to keep it at a reasonable length. As it never got in his way the arrangement worked.)

At first he had assumed that, like many other people, she was just coming on to him and he treated her in a cold, professional manner as he did any other person who gave him too much unwanted attention. Then Phi had met Zack and Sephiroth realized that wasn't the case at all. For better or worse that was merely her nature. And her friendship with Zack and subsequent aid in pushing him into Sephiroth's arms – so to speak – had led the silver-haired man to a second conclusion: Phi seemed to have inflicted herself on him in a somewhat sisterly role. A younger sister at that, despite the fact that she was the elder one. (Granted, not by even a year, but still older.) This had thrown the man for another loop. He had a vague sense of what a brother might be thanks to Angeal and Genesis but hadn't a clue about sisters.

However, though she still enjoyed heckling him, Phi wasn't pushy in any other way and had only recently begun venturing into physical contact such as the arm-hugging. It was clear from her interactions with the chocobos, and to a lesser extent Zack and Cloud, that she was a very tactile woman with beings she cared about.

She'd also been becoming more brazen with suggestions about his relationship with Zack although she was careful not to cross the line. The cross-dressing had been her idea and, when Sephiroth had insisted there was no way it could ever be done, she'd merely given him that creepy knowing grin. And here they were. Sephiroth figuratively scratched his head – were sisters supposed to get their brothers laid in increasingly kinky ways? Something about that didn't seem quite right.

"So," Phi drawled still hanging onto his arm and peering up at him, looking very much like a kitten herself (he could almost see her tail twitching); "I'm thinking this will be a very interesting game, don't you?"

He raised a brow. "Game?"

"Yeah. I call it 'What Can Phi Get Handsome to Do?' subtitle 'That Gorgeous Can Then Take Advantage Of'. I think it'll be a very good game."

"And what exactly do you get out of this?"

"Uh, hello? Images of two super-hot guys going at it?"

Sephiroth gave her a stern look. "I though I told you to remove all of your spying devices."

Phi rolled her eyes. "I did, I did!" She patted his arm soothingly. "I wouldn't go back on my word like that. Or be that rude. But" – she grinned anew and tapped her head with a finger – "can't stop the mind from filling in the blanks." The man heaved a small sigh and rolled his eyes back at her. Gaia help me….

"Plus," she went on, grin fading to a small genuine smile, "it makes you two happy, right?" She was gazing up over the top of her glasses rather than through them, making it easy to see the sincerity in her eyes. Maybe he'd missed out on something by never having a sibling-type relationship with a woman.

"Yes, it does," he admitted.

Her smile morphed into a carnal grin promising many perverted things for the future. "Then let the games begin, Gorgeous."

Then again, maybe he hadn't missed out.

Phi, you lucky wench. Hopefully she'll tell me soon what she has planned… She dropped hints, and Zack, heh heh, you are in for it, my dear…

I need some help here. I seriously hate these titles (well, except for Deviant). Cookies (and credit!) to anyone who can come up with a few for me. Basically just looking for "blank" SOLDIER, implying smexiness or lovingness or kinkiness, whatever.

On a personal note, I don't think Zack would look very good in drag. He has too much of a manly figure. But there's just something about a skirt that screams "SEX!" and I couldn't resist. My brain wouldn't let me.

Originally written 3 July '08