A/N: As you know, the vampires in the Cullen Family happen to be Vegetarian. As you don't know, I fed them crack….

Enjoy!

"Shoot," Bella muttered when the paper sliced her finger. She pulled it out to examine the damage. A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.

"OMG!" She yelled as she stared into the lusting eyes of Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, Esme… and Edward. She was just about to run when there was a sudden voice from above.

"EDWARD!" It said mightily, "BITE HER! DAMN HER! STEAL HER SOUL!"

"W…Wait…who are you?" Edward asked curiously as he stared at the ceiling in wonder.

"I AM GOD!!" the voice said angrily as the house shook in terror. Alice kissed the floor.

"It's okay, house," she said soothingly.

"WTF…?" Edward said as he glanced from Alice to the ceiling to the floor and lastly to Bella.

"Uhm… this is awkward…." Bella said slowly as she looked around with her eyes still wide.

"I'M OLD!" Carlisle screamed as he ran around in infinite circles in the kitchen. Esme joined him screaming something that sounded Latin for raise ye olde roof.

Rosalie looked at the two before biting the stairs.

"HOLY CRAP I HAVE AIDS!" the stairs screamed in horror before pink goo shot out of its nose and hit Oprah and her husband Tom Cruise in the face as they worshipped Xenan, the all-powerful alien.

Suddenly, an emo kid fell from Heaven and tried to give Alice cologne and rape Rosalie. Rosalie screamed something along the lines of "Oh Schnap!" before kicking Mr. Emo Angel in the spleen and eating him… literally. Emmett joined in screaming, "CANNIBALISM!"

Jasper looked at everyone and blinked before beginning to snuff a pound of cat nip. That, of course, caused him to turn into a giant cat and chase Alice around as he yelled, "Play with me!" in a negative way.

Esme was quite appalled at her not-really-son's actions and spanked him in a sexual way.

"NO MORE TACOS FOR YOU!" she screamed seductively for no apparent reason.

Edward paused for a moment before striking a pose

"I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY'S DADDY!" he said as he checked himself out in a nearby mirror.

Bella stood quite confused at the current happenings when finally the blood stopped flowing from her finger. Almost instantly, all of the Cullens stopped where they were and fell to the floor.

"OMFG! WTF? LOL! LMAO AYO! WDTH! WWJD!" Bella was turning an odd shade of yellowish gray as she closed her eyes tightly. Then, she suddenly remembered what day it was and slowly opened her eyes.

"APRIL FOOLS!" Alice, Edward, Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, Esme, Oprah, Tom Cruise, Emo Angel, the stairs, God and Rosalie screamed.

The End.

A/N: Satan. Yeah… that's about it.