Again, it's still hard to believe. I can almost see you sitting there, looking at me.

A crow's hoarse cry echoed through the empty corridors of the building. The golden rays of sunset filtered in the large windows of the captain's office, highlighting the room.

And you're still not here. Why do I keep looking?

Izuru turned his back on the room and closed the door softly behind him.

As he walked through the wide courtyard of the division headquarters he thought he heard the sound of another's steps but when he halted it turned out to only be his own footsteps echoing against the hard stone.

Come on…stop it already. That's enough.

The well worn refrain ran through his mind again but his heart never seemed to take the advice.

"You look like you've had a hard day." Shuuhei interrupted his thoughts. With a weak smile Izuru shook his head.

"No. Not really."

"Then you won't need a drink then."

There was a small pause as the blonde mans brow furrowed. He'd taken to drinking more often since Gin had abandoned the Seireitei.

Abandoned.

That word stuck in his mind, resounding with a force that was startling.

"I could join you if you want me to."

"Sure. Even if you didn't have a rough day, I did."

"Who does he think he is?!" Izuru demanded, waving his arm angrily. Shuuhei sat back, enjoying both the warmth from the sake and the display that his friend was putting on. It was like a completely different person.

"HEY!! You come back you fox bastard!! I have…I'll kick your ASS!!"

Shuuhei sputtered, biting back his laughter. Under normal circumstances the reserved lieutenant would never have dared speak those words aloud.

"No…tell us how you feel. Really." Shuuhei chuckled. Izuru looked at him, blinking wildly before he wobbled his way over and leaned in until his face was mere inches away.

"He's such a jerk. Leaving me behind."

From behind his half-raised glass, Shuuhei gave him a long look.

"I understand how you feel about being betrayed. But are you saying what I think you are?"

"WHaaat…..what am I saying?"

Shuuhei sighed. "You're so far gone you don't even know what you're talking about."

"EEEAhhh"

With that Izuru fell over backwards. As he stared up at the ceiling he could feel the fog clearing just a bit and he wondered about what he had said.

Is that really it?

"I always…just hide the fact that I'm trembling. I can't seem to stop at all."

"What are you so afraid of?"

Izuru closed his eyes. "I don't know. The world. Maybe that's what's frightening me. But I do know that when he needed me – really needed me, the shaking would stop. I…I even raised my sword against poor Momo without a moments thought. And when he came to me in jail – all I felt was relief. I protected him as if I was compelled by some outside force."

"You're loyal. If someone attacked my captain I would have done the same."

"But still…"

Shuuhei moved over to Izuru, watching him seriously.

"Stop beating yourself up about that. You were doing what you judged to be right at the time. You didn't know what he was really planning."

Lying on his back, Izuru once again stared at the ceiling.

I know that…but even now, knowing what he's done I still fight to protect him.

The next morning the third division Lieutenant stumbled into the office with a lot of questions and a mild hangover to find third seat Kibune already working on paperwork.

"Oh. Lieutenant. I went ahead and started on these papers for the squad."

"You know how to file them?"

"Captain Amagai suggested I help out, seeing as you looked like you could use it."

When the young man raised his eyes the look in them was as clear as day.

Because I'm not qualified to be a lieutenant…is that what he means to say?

"Thank you Kibune-kun. But as the Lieutenant I should be the one to file them. After all, if I don't do my own work then how can I ask others to?"

"I'm almost done anyway. You came in a little later today then usual."

Kibune adjusted his glasses and stood, moving past Izuru towards the door.

"Besides, there are still a lot of things that need to be straightened out ever since that last captain betrayed us."

Izuru felt his breath catch for a moment but carefully controlled it. He wouldn't let Kibune know that he had gotten to him; it would only make things worse if the third seat knew he could get under his skin so easily.

"I'll take care of it. It is my responsibility after all."

There was a slight derisive snort. "Sure thing Kira."

Turning around, Izuru leveled a glare at the other mans back. He knew what Kibune was hinting at – what the squad had been gossiping about for the past two weeks.

"Is there something you want to say to me, third seat Kibune?"

The other man pivoted to face his Lieutenant, a smirk on his face.

"Nothing I haven't told you before. Your weak will is what lead to this."

"You believe that?"

Kibune returned the glare. "Of course I do. After all, while everyone else risked their very lives to stop them what were you doing? I've read the reports. You followed that traitor out of jail and then impeded the actions of another captain. You even raised your sword against your fellow Lieutenants. And on top of this while Abarai Renji and Hinamori Momo were badly injured you were hardly scratched Lieutenant Kira! Don't you find that just a hint suspicious?"

Izuru tried to steady himself. He could feel his anger rising and fought to conceal it.

How could he? He has no idea what happened between us!

"I don't know what you're getting at, but the situation was a great deal more complex then you're making it."

"The evidence is all there. You can't deny the truth."

At that, Kibune gave him a twisted smile.

"Maybe someone else should have a chance in your place. You're clearly unsuited for this position – but of course that's why that traitor chose you. You're easy to fool."

There was a small sharp crack as soon as the words had been spoken. Izuru turned his back on Kibune to look up at the insignia on the wall.

"I have work to do. Tend to your own matters, third seat."

"Of course, Lieutenant."

Leaving the room behind, Kibune took a second to check his glasses and frowned.

"Looks like I hit a nerve. That reiatsu of his is nothing to mess with."

Glancing back he smiled.

"That idiot isn't even aware of his own strength."

Izuru flopped into the nearest chair he could find, trying to stop his shaking.

Captain Ichimaru…you saved my life…and while you were here you saved me from my wretchedness. Why did you leave me behind then?

Thinking back, Izuru felt a pang of guilt at coming out of the ordeal so unharmed.

Renji, Momo, they were badly hurt. Aizen tried to kill Momo. Even his captain had tried to kill her by turning Hisugaya against her. And when Renji interfered he tried to kill him as well.

"But…why didn't…why wasn't I killed, then? I don't know…"

Leaning back, Izuru took a deep breath and was startled when a familiar scent reached his nose. The scent of his captains' cologne comforted him in a strange way.

"You're really gone. And even though Captain Amagai has said that I did well holding everything together I can't help but feel a burden to the squad now. I…don't have a place here anymore. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. It seems that my only strength was loyalty to you after all…so why did you leave me? Why am I still alive after you tried to kill them? Captain…"

Unaware to the man who sat mourning in his office, Captain Amagai stood out of sight beside the door. He'd come to talk with Izuru about Kibune, but he'd run into something else.

Captain…is that still what your heart feels?