Chapter One: Help me please... and the Chicken
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, sad face.
A/N: Hey I thought I'd try writing a fanfic that is supposed to be humouress, insane and completely wacked out. Most of the chapter ideas are things that I have thought of or have actually done.
Please take into account that the first ten chapters of this story are not as good as the rest of the story. Please stick it out to the later chapters.
Warning: This Fanfic is extremely OOC.
JPOV
"LIFE IS BRILLIANT!" I yelled as I defeated another bad guy on my game. It was all going well until I heard Alice call me from downstairs.
"Jasper! Come here please. I need your help!" DAMN IT!
"What do you want?"
"SHOPPING!"
"Oh... oh no!"
"Yes... I'm bored. Plus there's a big coachroach staring me down in the kitchen. Help me win!"
"I'm fine."
"You're not!"
Man I feel thirsty... where is a deer when you need it? Damn stupid no deer coming near houses thingo. I have to find my food. I love chasing after them. It makes me feel very manly.. and vampirey... A MANLY MANPIRE!
"Jazzie... please!" Alice called again at the highest decibel imaginable.
"I'm coming. Hold your horses!'
"I can't. Rover wants to gallop away!"
"You don't actually have horses do you?"
"Erh... no?"
One day I'm going to block out the sun. So we can go wherever we want. Hawaii baby!
"Uhh. Time to face the music. Literally." I placed my game controller down. "Why me? I was onto level 67 of 'ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRES!' and I had almost killed my last victim!"
"Another time!" Alice yelled.
I went downstairs to the music of BARBIE GIRL by AQUA.
"Jasper you walk perfectly in tone with that song!"
"I"M NOT GAY!"
"I know... tee hee." Alice always listens to that song when Emmett isn't home. There was that incident a few years ago. We had to get a cage!
"I'll be back last victim! Count on it!"
"Sure sure! He'll be back around 10pm! You're talking to a game Jasper!"
"You're wearing shoes!"
"So...? Talking to a game is weird."
"And wearing shoes isn't?"
"No!."
"Okay then." Cue evil laugh!
APOV
"What to wear. What to wear," I said aloud. "I have no freaking clothes. This is why I have to go shopping!"I need some soothing music. WOOH BARBIE GIRL! It's been in my head this past week. Edward really must hate having the ability to read minds.
It was funny once because we convinced the school counsellor that Edward was schizophrenic and he hears many 'voices'. Let me tell you... it didn't really end up that well. The counsellor's office was 'mysteriously' burnt down. Edward on a rage equals scary... and slightly amusing.
"Everyone's hunting! I know... Jasper isn't!" Haha I will make Jasper come with me shopping. Last time we had a blast, literally.
Who would have thought that when you mixed skittles with coal and light it, it would explode? I mean, honestly!
"Jasper! Come here please. I need your help!" DAMN IT!
"What do you want?"
"SHOPPING!"
"Oh... oh no!"
"Yes... I'm bored. Plus there's a big coachroach staring me down in the kitchen. Help me win!"
"I'm fine."
"You're not!"
After much arguing and hurrying up we were in the car... well Jasper was in the boot.
"Note to self: Remove that vampire game and hide it in the sock drawer." I muttered.
"NO!" Came Jasper's muffled plea.
"Why not hunny?"
"The socks will eat me when I try and retrieve it!"
"Even better!"
My plan had been to tackle Jasper when he was looking for the coachroach and tie him up. That part of the plan was successful. As did the rest, which involved chucking him into the boot. "He'll live!"
I hit the acceleration pedal and the car sped out of the drive way.
"I have speed baby. SPEED!" The wind ruffled up my hair but I didn't pay attention. My one main goal was to get to the Mall and make Jasper my slave. From store to store... dragging him around. It's not easy being a girl.
"Aha... an idea! Jasper if you do not co operate I have a wide selection of plus size clothes that Emmett uses to play dress ups. You shall be subject to a makeover if you don't' come willingly.
"OH GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
"Yes... my slave. Then follow me!"
"Like a sheep!"
"Good Jasper."
"We're here!" I shouted and I got out of the driver's seat, fixed my hair then after ten minutes let Jasper out of the boot and untied him.
"Finally.. thought I was gonna run out of air!"
"Jasper you're a vampire we don't breathe." Oops an old lady heard us.
"Kids these days doing drugs and thinking they're vampires. Tut tut," she said. I let out a breath.
"Now where to first? Tough decision. Any ideas Jasper?"
"Well American Eagle, Valley Girl, Jay Jays, Hot Topic, A&F or Victoria Secret?"
"Good selection. I like your style. We have a lot of time but the mall closes eventually. Dang people and sleeping. Unless we break in?"
"Alice not after last time."
"Look it was when they JUST installed those store alarms years back."
"So...?"
3 HOURS, 15 SHOPPING BAGS, ALICE AND A JASPER PILED WITH BAGAS LATER:
JPOV
"OMG! We still have Hot Topic and Jay Jays to go... will this torture never end?"
"NOPE!"
"DAMN IT THEN! If I don't make it out alive tell Emmett and Edward they can have my Wii and games but they better make a shrine dedicated to me... or I'll haunt them."
"Will do. Ready for some fun, Jaspie?"
"Erh... what kind?"
"Follow me and keep up!"
Why are we entering a fast food outlet? We don't eat human food. Well Emmett does but he's Emmett, enough said. We're vampires, we have dignity to maintain.
Alice glided gracefully to the counter. What is she playing at?
"I would like lots and lots of chicken. All the kinds you have. Crispy, popcorn, original, wicked wings, fillet, hot and spicy, strips. You name it I want it. Enough to fill around 15 of those Buckets you have. Make it snappy. I am hungry!"
Alice ordered the boy at the counter. I love it when she bosses humans around its' just so sexy... S
I believe in miracles. Where you from? You sexy thing.
APOV
Jasper turned to me. I couldn't see him through all of my bags that he is holding.
"What are you doing love? We don't eat THIS sort of food." he spoke fast so no one else could hear.
"You'll see. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be a flush Hint hint,"
"Erh... can't wait!"
"I know. I feel you're excitement!"
"How can you? I'm the one with the empathy gift."
"Meh. I wish this juvenile human would hurry up. Chicken smells bad."
"I know!"
"That would be 153.75 dollars please!" The teenager said. Do I detect a hint of flirting?
AHH me need soap to wash my ears out with. I quickly paid the boy 200 dollars and smiled.
"Keep the change," I turned to Jasper, "Little help here dearest. I'm struggling here. Go to my baby and dump the shopping bags."
"Will do!"
"Meet me at the toilets down the end of the Mall."
Five minutes past when Jasper came running back huffing and catching his breath.
"Okay we have 5 minutes. When I say go, go I... where are you going Jasper?"
Jasper turned to me with a guilty face. "You said go..." Ah stupid husband.
"I didn't mean yet. When I say go, NOT YET, go into the Men's toilet and block each with the various types of chicken. If we don't use the toilets, neither do they!"
I should make a list of ways to use fast food. Alice the almighty fast food thinker.
"GO!"
The plan was to fill up all the toilets with chicken to block them so no one can use the public toilets. "In goes the chicken, chicken, chicken, in goes the chicken, mwahahah!" I can make a tune out of this."
"I'd hate to be the Janitor that cleans these out. " Gee I really should stop talking to myself. Instead I communicated to Jasper and told him to go outside and wait for me. I finished as soon as I started due to vampire speeding. Jasper was already outside waiting.
"Done?" I asked.
"Done," he replied.
JPOV
"I love Alice and her wild ideas. It gives me motivation for my evil plans," I muttered to myself in the guys bathroom.
"Edward would love to hang out in here!" I chuckled to myself.
Who knew chicken floats? I certainly didn't but that's because I'm a vampire.
"Plus you'd have to be wacked out to test if fried chicken from KFC floats."
"You are wacked out Jasper!" Alice chimed as she spoke with vampire speed from the ladies bathroom.
"That's what they all say."
"Who are they?" Alice asked.
"No one!"
"WHO?"
"I learnt that you learn something new every day!"
"I don't care. Meet me outside. I'm almost done!" Alice sighed.
I finished up and exited the men's bathroom.
"What is she doing in there?" I said to myself. Never mind... she just SKIPPED out of there. "Done?" She asked.
"Done."
"Woooh.. we managed to not get caught! Excellent work Jasper!"
"Calm down Alice. We still have to drive home."
As we pulled up at the house we noticed Edward's Volvo, Emmett's Jeep and Carlisle's Mercedes were back in the garage.
"The rest of the family is back. Bella's back also."
"Just fine and dandy! I then heard noises from upstairs.
"OMG MY GAME!"
"Shhh Jasper!"
"They better not have erased my score!"
APOV
Ahh that went down well. Literally.
"Okay lets' go in. Edward is already laughing!"
"They better not have erased my score!" Jasper repeated.
"Shut up Jasper. What about me? Your wife!"
"Yeah but they can't erase you!" With that he ran inside.
I was met with Edward laughing. He can read mine and Jasper's thoughts and just found out what we did IN BED! Nah just the chicken incident.
"You did WHAT? Oh my God Alice that is like brilliant if I do say so myself. That is so funny. Even though I'm the sensible one... or am I," Edward said mysteriously. He admires my work. I mean who wouldn't? I am lovable. I decided to take light in this situation and polish my knuckles to look gangsta. "What did she do?" Ah Emmett wouldn't you like to know.
"Well put it this way... no one is going to use the public toilets for a while at the mall or eat chicken again." I said. Let him piece together what happened.
"HAHAHAHAHA. You flooded the toilets with chicken? Ah man I should have been there. Why wasn't I?"
"You were hunting idiot." Edward added
"Oh that's right!" Emmett said.
"I did manage to get a lot of clothes though. Jasper could you bring my bags in." I said.
Rose's eyes lit up at the mention of clothes. Bella averted her eyes to the ground. Jasper's back stiffened suddenly when I asked him to retrieve my bags though. Why was that?
JPOV
"Oh no, Oh no, Oh no. This is just a tad bad. I was too distracted with what was in that Victoria's Secret bag that I didn't put the bags in the car."
I'M A MANLY MAN! It wasn't my fault that bags intrigue me. Ah I will pay for this I know. Oh Alice told me to dump them in her baby... she didn't say her 'car' so technically I didn't do anything wrong. So, her 'baby' is now the concrete I guess.
"Alice is going to kill me or worse... make me over!"
I better face her wrath. My wrath is more EVIL though. I slowly turned up the driveway again. What do I say? What do I say?
"I need some calming herbal tea. "
I headed back into the lounge room where the family was sitting.
Alice smiled at me but her smile faltered when she saw I returned bag less. Did I detect a hint of anger?
"Oh there you... where are my clothes honey?" Alice spoke to me. Um this could be tricky.
"I.. er... dumped them."
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Oh she's angry.
"You told me to." Where's a stick? I'm gonna have to fight her off.
"I TOLD YOU TO DUMP THEM... IN THE CAR!"
I ran.
'Come back here Jasper. I think it's time to play Dress-Ups!"
O.o she has that sarcastic ring to her voice.
"I'm in for it now. Run legs run!"
"You're not going to escape me!"
"I need new legs!"
A/N: As of August 2010 I will go through the first 15 chapters of Bored of Eternity so that it lives up to the humour that's evident in the later chapters. The chapters do get better.