Song is by Kenny Chesney.
I move on like a sinners prayer,
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care,
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song,
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on,
Break my heart, but it won't bleed...
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man
You don't remember the exact moment you finally let her go. It was somewhere between the day you'd bought a one-way ticket to LA that you never used and the day you decided to be better. You, instead, decided that Callie could be more than the casual sex partner. But that didn't mean you didn't still think about her sometimes. That you don't think what it would be like to have a son. You would have taken him to his first Yankees game. You are certain of it. You would always think of yourself as a New Yorker, no matter where you lived. It was where you had found yourself. You were surprised when she called you, saying that she was coming back for work. She'd come for work before, and she hadn't returned. You wondered if it was going to happen again, but you doubted it. She sounded happy on the phone, a far cry from when she'd fled to Seattle. Derek was her home. She had no roots in Seattle anymore, even though you wished that she did. You sometimes wish that you were her roots.
Never sure when the truth won't bend
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through,
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words,
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man
"Addi?" You had answered the phone, not bothering with the false surprise of her identity. She hadn't changed her number, you realized. You'd promised yourself you would delete her number soon, but you'd never gotten around to it. At least that's what you told yourself as you scrolled absently through your phone book. She was always the first name you saw. You decided it was a hard name to beat alphabetically. You were suddenly glad that you never got around to it as her name flashed across the screen. Against all of your willpower, you were excited to see it. It wasn't that you'd tried calling her, because you hadn't. But you had wanted to so many times that it felt like you were being shunned anyway.
"Mark. Hi." She breathed your name, and even though you couldn't see her face, you could tell she was smiling. That was one thing that you could never deny, you knew her. You knew her to a fault. You knew her fears and her ambitions- including the one back in college when she wanted to be a country music singer, you still hadn't fully let her live that down yet. It wasn't the country music part that was so hilarious, so much as the fact that she couldn't carry a note for a thousand dollars. You had made the bet once. If she could a song, any song- you had tried to make it easy for her, you would give her two thousand dollars. She had lost, but you never collected the money. You figured the ego hit was bad enough.
"How are you?" You immediately cursed yourself for asking such a question, but you decided it was suffice. It had been months since you'd spoken to her. She could be in a hospital for all you know. You were glad she wasn't though.
"I am good. I'm.. happy." You knew she was being honest. It was always pretty easy to hear the lies in her voice if you were listening close enough. And you were, because a part of you had hoped that she was going to ask you to come to her again. You weren't positive if you were going to say yes, but you wanted her to ask. You wanted her to want you to go see her. You wanted the choice.
"Good." You nodded your head, you couldn't remember the last time she had called you just to chat. It'd been years. Before Derek had left for Seattle. Once he'd left, there was no need for calls, she lived with you. "So what do I owe this pleasure?" The question didn't come off as bitter, and you were thankful. It wasn't what you'd intended. You'd meant to be funny, but sometimes your humor didn't go so far with her as it did with other people, which got you into more trouble than the joke was worth.
"I'm coming back to Seattle for a few days. For work. I just.. I didn't want you to be surprised." Despite the acceleration of your heartbeat, you weren't sure that you were pleased with the way she emphasized that it was for work. What did she think- that you automatically assumed she wanted to have sex with you? You might have hoped that, but you did not assume it.
"Missed the rain, huh?" You grinned, pleased as you heard her laugh. You always loved the sound of her laugh. Almost as much as you loved when she screamed your- No. You would not think about that. Not then, not when she was on the phone. She probably knew what you were thinking, you figured as she cleared her throat. Maybe she knew you better than you realized. You hoped not.
"I miss something." She finally answered you after a moment of hesitation, but you refused to read into what that meant. For all you knew, she was still hung up on Derek, or worse, on that damn intern. It'd taken a hell of a lot of self restraint to not punch him every time you saw him for the first two weeks. Meredith had helped you though. She'd made you let her go without any harm done- to anyone. Alex didn't know it, but he owed a hell of a lot to Meredith Grey.
"So, when is the big arrival?" You asked, trying your best to pretend that it wouldn't affect you at all. Even though both of you knew that it would.
"Next Thursday. I'm staying through the weekend."
"What if the case lasts longer?"
"It won't." You wanted to protest that crazier things have happened, but you didn't. The conviction in her voice was enough to stop you. "Okay Mark.." She sighed, and you knew before she said it that it was going to be a hit to your ego. Anytime she started a sentence with that, it was going to be bad for you. It was as certain as Newton's laws of gravity. "I lied before. When I said that I just didn't want you to be surprised. That's not why I called. This is about the case." It wasn't about you at all. It never was, you realized. Your entire relationship had revolved around what she wanted or needed. It was clear to you then that she hadn't missed you at all, at least not in the way that you wanted her to miss you. The way you suddenly realized that you had missed her- again.
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall,
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more,
You should know it before it gets too late...
Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel,
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still,
Left holding a losing hand...
The rest of the conversation was a blur, even though you couldn't ever quite get it out of your head long after. You did as she asked though. You gave her what she needed, because it was what you'd always done. At least, it's what you'd always tried to do. You were in denial of the fact that you failed more times than you'd like to accept.
No matter how many times she'd called to check on things in the week prior to her arrival, you were still shocked when she entered the cafeteria. She was different somehow, although you couldn't quite figure out how. She wasn't the person you remembered, exactly. The person that was in front of you clearly had flaws. Her hair was not ironed straight, nor was it curled with an iron to perfection. It just hung, wavy in a natural way that she would have never allowed when you knew her. You'd thought you would always know her. Her clothing had even changed somewhat, and she looked out of place in the sea of people surrounding her. LA had done her body well, but that didn't mean you necessarily liked the change. Where was the aurora of perfection that used to follow her? You were certain that you weren't the only one who'd seen it. A smile crept on your face as you realized that despite everything in the last week telling you otherwise, you really had gotten over her.
She saw you before she saw anyone else, and for that, you were proud. It wasn't that you had changed, because you hadn't, but she had walked right past Karev without so much a glance. Surely she had seen him, right? You glanced at him, and smirked when he noticed her walking past, lowering in his seat. He clearly didn't know she was coming back. Pride welled up in your chest for her. This time she truly did not seem to be here for some picture of love she had in her head. She wasn't even looking around for Derek. What exactly had she been doing in LA?
You stood up once she was close enough, easily wrapping your arms around her in a hug. She was thinner, but more toned than she had been. Had she taken up surfing? You couldn't imagine her at a gym. She would be too worried about breaking a nail to do anything too productive. You knew this because you had taken her with you once, and that was exactly her excuse as she sat and watched you lift the weights. She'd said she just wanted to spend time with you, no matter where you were. It was times like those that you'd thought she loved you,too. She tricked you more than she tricked herself. "Addison." You release her quickly, stepping back as you look back at the other person at your table- Callie.
"Hey Mark." Addison smiled at you kindly, pushing her hair behind her ear before raising her eyebrows at Callie. "Hey Torres." Addison's smile widened as she stepped past you to hug Callie.
"Hey Addi." Callie blushed, sitting back down. You didn't understand why Callie was nervous, but you didn't have the time to figure it out. Now that she had arrived, it was time for work.
"I'll catch up with you later, Ok?" You glanced over at Callie, wondering exactly if you could call her your girlfriend. You hadn't really discussed it. She didn't seem too excited at the idea, which hurt more than you thought it would. You told herself she was freshly divorced though. The last time you'd done the freshly divorced route, it hadn't done you much good. Therefore, you allowed her hesitation.
The two of you walked away, leaving Callie alone at the table. "Good to see you." She offered as you stepped into the elevator.
"You too." You nodded, allowing yourself to really look at her now that the two of you were alone. "LA has done you good." You say, partially because it's true, and partially because she looks nervous, and you want her to relax. Before everything else, the two of you had been friends. You wanted to be friends. If nothing else, until she left town. You'd forgotten how good it felt to see a familiar face. No matter how long you'd been in Seattle, you knew you never quite fit in with the rest of them. Although, some times you wondered if everyone felt like that. The hospital was nothing if not diverse. Derek was your solace in the storm. You were thankful for that- for him.
"You don't seem like you hate the rain so much." She grinned, and it made you laugh. You'd almost forgotten how much you hated Seattle when you first arrived. It seemed like another life. In a way, it was.
"Well, it doesn't make me sick anymore. That's always a plus." You confess, somewhat grudgingly. Another little piece of the New Yorker in you dies, and you feel the need to mourn for him.
"I suppose it is." She smiles faintly, focusing her attention on the numbers above the door.
"Do I make you nervous?" You chuckled, noticing how her left foot was tapping anxiously on the floor.
"No!" She responded quickly- too quickly for it to be true.
"Would you feel better if I stepped away from you?" You tried not to be cruel, but it was hard. Even if you were over her, you were still you. You noticed when women noticed you. It was a talent you'd picked up years ago, and it'd only been fine tuned since.
"Shut up."
"Ok." You seal your lips, placing your hands behind your back as you rocked from your heels to your toes and back again.
"You are impossible." She muttered, a laugh escaping her lips despite her efforts for it not to. You could tell she was relieved when the door opened, allowing her to remove herself from the closed in space the two of you had been in. Six months ago, you would have taken advantage of her weakness. You had changed, you realized. You were proud of yourself. And you were glad that Addison was there when you realized it, even though you didn't plan on telling her that. She would come to her own conclusion about you. She had days, and you had nothing but time. You weren't sure why, but you wanted her to realize that you were different. You didn't want her to come back for you, you just wanted her to know that she had helped you become the person that you are- a better person. If you'd met her now, things might would be different, but your history with her would never go away- for either of you.
The walk to the lab was silent, but comfortable. You noticed that her anxiety seemed to be disappearing as well. Although, you figured it was possible that she was transitioning into being a doctor instead of the ex-girlfriend. Which was fine for you. The nurse's strike had taught you self restraint. Whether you admitted it, it was probably a lesson that you needed.
"I just want you to know that this pretty much makes me God." You grinned, walking directly the petri dish she was looking for. You had checked on it right before lunch. You'd been nervous about seeing her again.
"Oh no. Your ego has INFLATED!" She shook her head at you, pretending to cover her eyes. "What have I done?"
"Just means you gotta tell me your every want or desire." You wink at her to show that you are kidding before handing over the small container. It wasn't yours anymore. A thought that made you sad for some reason. You knew that it was for a baby, which should have been enough, but you had created it. Although it didn't make a lot of sense, it was one of the few things that you'd created that you'd ever been able to see. The thought made you sad as you glanced at Addison's flat stomach. You weren't sure you were ever going to be able to fully forgive her for that. "Well, I have to go check on some patients. But we'll catch up later, alright? Drinks tonight or something?" You offered, the air supply dramatically decreasing in the room every second. You needed air.
"Yeah. Sure. I'll find you later." She nods, her eyes never leaving the petri dish. You don't say anything else before leaving the room. Once the door was shut silently behind you, you made a dash for the stairwell. You needed to get outside as quickly as possible, and the roof was by far the closest outlet. You were nearly gasping by the time the door opened.
"You okay?" Meredith's voice shook you out of your panic attack. You turned around quickly to find that she was standing in the doorway.
"How did.."
"I saw you running past the door." You nodded, deciding not to be an ass when she clearly was trying to be nice and check on you. "Are you okay?"
"She's back." You took a deep breath as you stepped out further onto the roof.
"Addison?" All you could do was nod. You didn't have enough air in your lungs yet to speak anymore. "For good?" Meredith's eyes bulged as the idea hit her. You wanted to point out that she wasn't even with Derek anymore, that she'd dumped him and he was with the nurse now, but you didn't feel like upsetting her. You were upset enough for the both of you. You shook your head slowly, not caring to give more details than that. "It's going to be okay, Mark." She stepped towards you, wrapping her arms around your neck tightly until you responded by wrapping your arms around her waist. Any other time you would have made a joke about how she clearly wanted you without the clothes on, but you couldn't stomach it. Not with the hurt still boiling in your stomach- in your chest. You wanted to believe what she said. But you knew that the way things were for you right now, they weren't going to cut it. Callie didn't want more than what you'd been giving her. You realized it painfully. That was why she had blushed when Addison had seen the two of you. She was embarrassed.
"Thanks." You offered weakly, eventually releasing her, putting a few feet of distance in between the two of you. Meredith was your friend. You weren't going to take advantage of her. Not that she would let you, you realized with only a pang of pain. It was getting easier for you to accept that Meredith wasn't ever going to succumb to your charm. You figured she could usually tell you were always trying to forget about something else. She knew because she'd been there- if she wasn't there now.
"I.. I need to go back down, but.. If you need.. If you want to talk or something.. I'm around. Okay Mark?" You nodded your head weakly, letting her leave as quietly as she'd come. You did the right thing, you told yourself as the door closed behind her. You did the right thing.
But one day you're gonna find someone,
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your sinking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment
You'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man...
Better as a memory than as your man
As was agreed, Addison found you before she left for the hospital. Of course you were in the locker room shirtless. It was clear that you weren't the only one made uncomfortable by this. You cleared your throat as you threw on the first shirt you saw. You were thankful that it was your wifebeater, as you'd been planning to put on.
"Hi." She blushed, and you wondered how it was that people were always walking in on you changing, and they were the ones that blushed. You were the one being exploited. Not that most of them hadn't seen you naked anyway, but that was not the point.
"Hey. Ready to go?" You realize that she's changed clothes since you'd seen her last. A black skirt and red blouse that some could possibly consider too small. You weren't one of those people that would, but it was tight.
"Yeah. I.. I was going to see what time you wanted to meet up." You're thrown off by her awkwardness. Usually it was you chasing her. It was strange for it to be the other way around.
"We can walk over there together." You nod at her, buttoning up your shirt quickly so that the awkwardness of the conversation would disappear.
"No Callie?"
"She's working tonight." You don't bother to mention that the two of you aren't exactly joined at the hip because it doesn't really matter. She nods her head as if she was expecting that answer, even though it was obvious that she wasn't.
"What about Derek and Meredith?" You raise your eyebrows, wondering what exactly the woman had been doing all day.
"Addi.." You shifted your weight, debating on how to say this the right way. "You realize they aren't together anymore, right?"
"Meredith and Derek broke up? But I saw them. On the bridge. They were talking." She sputtered, realizing that when she put it like that, it didn't seem like much of anything either.
"He screwed up- again." You shrugged your shoulders. It wasn't really your business to tell, but if anybody deserved to know that, it was her.
"He is such an idiot sometimes. I swear."
"To God?" You grinned, remembering your earlier conversation, the better parts of it anyway.
"You know Mark, there's something different about you. I don't know what it is just yet. But there's something. But in all the ways that I loved about you, you are the same. It's refreshing." She smiled at you before nodding towards the door, suggesting an exit.
"You are different too." You finally spoke once you'd sat down at a table at Joe's. A lot of people from the hospital were there, and a majority of them are watching the two of you, but you do not care. This time, there was truly nothing to see.
"Yeah?" She raised her left eyebrow in curiosity, allowing you a chance to continue, but you don't. Mostly because you don't know how to put into words how she's changed either.
"Yeah." You nodded. If anyone would understand, it would be her.
"You must really care about her." The words surprised you. Not because of the statement itself, but because of who said it. She'd only seen you with Callie for a total of 45 seconds tops, and you'd spent the entire time looking at her.
"Why?" You asked seriously. You hadn't even spoken of her. There was no logical reason that Addison would think that to a point where she'd say it.
"Because I've been here all day, and you haven't even tried to sleep with me. Not once." You weren't sure whether she was happy or upset by that, but you decided quickly that it didn't matter.
"That.. has nothing to do with my relationship with Callie. Everything to do with the fact that you .. you left." You wanted so badly to tell her the truth. That you'd seen her with Karev, and you didn't break the agreement. But the words wouldn't come. It didn't matter. You weren't what she wanted. You would never be what she wanted. Even though, it was obvious that she'd tricked herself into believing that again. You'd been down that road too many times to expect a different outcome.
"So you don't really care about her?"
"Callie is great."You clarify quickly before continuing. "But I realized today that we won't ever be more than we are right now."
"Are you saying you want more?" You could see the shock in her voice,but you ignored it. It was your fault that she thought you weren't dedicated. You'd let her off the hook, and it made you look worse. It was something you would have to live with.
"I'm not opposed to it." You chose your words carefully.
"Wow." She leaned into the booth, eying you in the same way she'd eyed you the night you'd made the 60 day pact. It made you feel sick to the stomach. You couldn't do this again. Not with her. "Mark.."
You offer her a sad smile as you slide your hands across the table, cradling her own in yours without trouble. "Addison. I know that look." You could tell she was quick to protest- the words were already on her tongue, but you quickly shook your head. You weren't done. "I know that you think that maybe since we- since I've grown up, that things could be different for us. But they wouldn't be. I am never going to be Derek. And you need a Derek, Addison. If time has proved anything, is that you need a Derek. Don't get crazy ideas, when we both know you're going to be on plane back to LA this weekend. You are happy in LA. I know you are. The rain makes people crazy, which is why I'm saying this now. Don't uproot your life again."
You could see the tears welling in her eyes, and you almost wanted to take the words back. You wanted to give her another shot. You had fallen in love with her once, surely you could fall in love with her again. But you didn't. You still remembered the sound of her voice when she'd first called you. "I'm a lot more appealing as a memory, babe." You frown, knowing the words hurt you probably worse than they hurt her.
"I am so proud of you, Mark." She smiled despite the stubborn tear that was rolling down her cheek. "I want you to know that. Seattle has been good to you."
"Thank you." You nodded as you offered a faint smile before finally withdrawing your hands. "Now. What do you say to some drunken darts?"
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