Standard Disclaimers apply.
Special thanks to Cat who planted the seed and who (unwittingly) is shouldering the blame with me if this doesn't go well.
Cheers! Alf
What Happens with the Death of a Fantasy
Details provided by Lester Santos to Alfonsina
It had been another long week doing mind numbing surveillance for Rangeman and tonight was no exception. This time we were a-six man team in three rigs; just watching an old abandoned warehouse. Bobby and Tank were together, Zip and Zero were partnered and I was with Steph. I was one lucky son of a bitch to get her alone in my vehicle even if all she did was fidget, crack her gum and smell good.
As per usual, we were wired so we could hear each other so none of the conversations were very interesting.
"Les?" Stephanie asked popping her gum.
"Yeah, Steph?" I asked looking at her.
"Do I look fat?"
Shit. How do you answer that and keep your balls attached to your body? Ranger'd been in the wind for three months, she wasn't with Morelli and as far as I could tell she wasn't trolling for any new talent.
"Why do you ask?" I asked hoping this was a safe answer.
"Nothing seems to be fitting right and my time on distractions is going up," she said with a sigh.
"Have you weighed yourself lately?" God I hope I survive this conversation.
"You are beautiful Steph," Zero said. Pussy whipped.
"No matter what he tells you, you're perfect," said Zip. Dickless wonder.
"I like a little cushion for the pushin," said a voice that was clearly Tank's. He was honest but he wasn't in the same vehicle alone with a potentially hormonal woman.
"Oh God. It's true," she said looking at me with pure panic in her eyes. "I'm starting to grow Lula's ass!"
I closed my eyes and really wished I hadn't paid off the guys so I could be alone with her in the truck tonight.
"No, that's not it," said either Zip or Zero.
"I think it's more like J.Lo's ass," said Bobby. "I have a thing for that woman's ass. Man, I could just sink my teeth into it."
"What's the matter with Lula's ass?" growled Tank.
"Nothing."
"Not a thing."
"Damn straight, I like dangerous curves," Tank said sounding more like his mind was with Lula than the warehouse we were supposed to be watching.
"What am I going to do?" Stephanie asked me. "I've got a class re-union before the summer is over and I can't go looking like this! I'm going to have to buy all new clothes. Why did you let me do this to myself, Lester? Why?"
She was blaming me? Hell, I only worked with her about once a week and then it was usually on the range.
"Why are you pinning this on me? I don't buy you doughnuts unless you are PMSing and it is verifiable by more than one source."
It really was a shame that she and Morelli weren't together any more, we could gauge where she was in her cycle by her 'glow' or lack thereof. When she would PMS, he didn't get any and they were both cranky. Ranger never admitted to or denied first hand knowledge of Steph's cycle so he wasn't considered to be a reliable source. Ella was. Ella could tell a difference in the amount of food being eaten in the fridge and how much Coke she had to buy. The emergency trips to the store for Midol or Pamprin were also used to verify onset of PMS.
I was going to die for that last comment and she was going to be the one to kill me slowly. Fuck.
Since I was a dead man anyway, I continued, "You can't PMS for three weeks consecutive unless," I started to say. "Tell me you aren't. Please, tell me you aren't."
"Aren't what?"
"You know," I said with panic in my voice.
"Bun in the oven," said a disembodied voice.
"Expecting the stork," said someone else.
"Special delivery," said the third.
She looked at me shaking her head when Bobby piped up, "Pregnant. You aren't pregnant are you Steph?"
Her body language slumped and she let out a sigh. She shook her head.
"Santos, what's she doing in there?"
"Not quite sure. Hang on," I said. "I'll ask."
I looked her in the face and said, "Steph, honey, is there something you need to say to any of us?"
"Like what? Happy Father's day? Jesus Lester. You should know me better than that. Besides if I was, we'd have a new national holiday celebrating another immaculate conception," she said looking at me like my third head had just sprouted.
"Are you sure? You've been pretty moody lately," I said. "Weeks actually."
"It's nothing," she mumbled.
"Spill. We aren't going anywhere and we've got to be here for another three hours," I said.
"Cool. Gossip?" asked Tank.
Why couldn't Tank just let me handle this? I was doing fine on my own. Sort of.
"No, it isn't gossip. It's pain and disappointment," she said with a sigh and apparently a heavy heart.
"Did someone hurt you?" Zip asked.
"If someone laid a hand on you, we'll kill the SOB," Zero said.
"Great and I'll have to patch him up before EMS gets called. Love you Steph, but I can't be part of a mass beat down unless my alibi is air tight," Bobby said.
"I wish it were that easy," she said.
I looked at her and started to say something when she cut me off.
"Have you ever been so disappointed in something that you just can't seem to let it go?" she asked.
What the hell had Ranger done before he left town this time?
"No, it wasn't Ranger," she said. Hey, her ESP was finally kicking in. "Lula, Mary Lou, Val and I were at Mary Lou's the a couple of weeks ago when Lenny was out. It was kind of a modified hen night. You know, the kids were asleep and we weren't doing anything wild, but we were cruising the internet looking for pictures of hot men."
"Did you see my picture?" Zip asked.
"None of you guys were posted, I looked, but you know how Ranger is. He has Silvio scrub your pictures as soon as someone posts them."
"Go on," Tank said sounding bored.
"Well, we found this really hot, and I mean scorching hot, trainer who was so pretty that Mary Lou and Val actually cried. His muscles had muscles," she said.
"So what are we, chopped liver?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah?" asked Zip.
"It's not that. You are all very macho and sexy. And yes, you all have lots of muscles, but I can't think of any of you that way because I know you," she said.
"Darned tooting we're hot," someone said.
"Anyway because we didn't know him, we were each thinking of all kinds of things we would love to do to him. We were getting pretty descriptive and imaginative. And then it was over," she said simply.
"You find him on a gay porn site or something, Steph?" I asked.
"Worse. Found him on a cleaning commercial that never aired and he did the most awful thing," she said.
"That's worse than seeing him go at it with a guy?" Zero asked.
"Eww. Didn't want that image, but thanks," she said. "No. He talked."
"Talked?" I asked her.
"Talked. Killed the fantasy then and there for all of us. It was over almost as soon as it started. If only the speakers on the computer didn't work, it would have been so much better and we would have all been so much happier," she said.
"So you are eating because some guy you don't even know was on the internet sounding like a bubble head?" I asked.
"Not quite, but close enough. Anyway, I figure I'll never get the perfect combination of male: emotionally available, strong, good looking, and just the right amount of macho."
"I'm on the market," Bobby said.
"Me too!" said Zip.
"Guys, you know that Ranger'd kill any of us who made a move on her while he's gone," Bobby said. Bobby was trying to be the voice of reason and I was hoping to silence him.
"Guys, can we cut the mics for a couple of minutes?" I asked.
Tank said, "Lester, you and Steph have three minutes you can be muted, but that's it. And NO ONE tells Ranger. This goes against every protocol we have."
"Thanks, man," I said. "Tank you are an absolute douche bag." Nothing. Ok, so the mics really were off.
"How do you feel about rewarding good behavior Steph?" I asked lifting the armrest between us and draping my arm around her shoulder. She automatically moved over and snuggled in to get close.
"You mean like giving kids gold stars in grade school for spelling bees and stuff?" she asked.
"Kind of. I was thinking more along the lines of rewarding you if you seriously want to lose some weight. But this is going to have to be done in moderation," I said.
"I'm not so good with moderation," she said with a sigh. "What kind of rewards do you have in mind?"
"Me," I said quietly.
"You? How are you my reward?"
Evidently she doesn't read my live journal on the web, she lives such a sheltered life.
"How about for each pound you lose, I give you a kiss. Anywhere you want, for as long as you want. Sound good?" I asked with a wink. No way in hell she'd say yes to this.
"And if I lose more than that? Cause I need to lose like 14 – 15 pounds. That could be quite a bit of kissing," she said with a blush.
"Ok, at five pounds you get a lunch date with me. At ten pounds a dinner date," I said. She wasn't saying no, good.
"Yeah, but based on these jeans, it's looking like it'll need to be fifteen pounds. That's gonna take a serious reward," she said very quietly.
"Well, if you really want it, I could provide you with a LIO, or several depending on if you enjoy the first," I said. No way in hell was she going to say yes.
"What is an LIO?"
Time to buck up and face it like a man. "LIO is Lester induced orgasm. These come with no guilt, no strings and no regrets. Customer satisfaction guaranteed."
She's gonna find a way to get a hold of Ranger and have my ass pounded so far into the ground it'll take them days to dig it out.
"Guaranteed? I can be a pretty difficult customer," she said.
Oh God, she's going to say yes.
"I'm like Avis. I try harder and longer than the competition."
"Time. Lester we can't give you any more privacy. Did you get everything said you needed to say?"
I looked at the brunette next to me, her eyes were shining with excitement.
"Sign me up, Lester, but be gentle."
Hot damn.
"Gentlemen, Stephanie would like for us all to help her get into shape before the end of summer. Who is willing to help me help her to shed ten pounds?"
"Fifteen," she said quietly.
"I am corrected. Who wants to help Steph to work off fifteen pounds?"
"I'm in."
"Me, too."
"Sure."
"Steph, I think you can say that we are all here for you," Tank said.
"When do we start?" Zip asked.
I looked at Steph. "Tomorrow early enough?" she asked. "I want to give this a very serious effort. Maybe we can do it all in a month or so?"
"Goals are very important," I said to her.
"So is the right motivation, Lester. So is the right motivation," she said with a wink.