Antumbra

A sequel to The Sun Will Rise

Author: Trans

Pairing: TsuSoka and minor Tatari

Rated: M

Disclaimer: I do not own Yami no Matsuei nor any of its characters.

Warning/Authors note

I'm only doing this once, so please pay attention people. There will be no other disclaimers or warnings posted in any of the following chapters. I figure once I say what I have to say, that should be enough.

Firstly, if you haven't read The Sun Will Rise, you will obviously have very little idea what is going on. Read that first before attempting to read this story.

Secondly, in my quest to fill in all the plot-holes and unanswered foreshadowing Matsushita left us with, I will be including theories in my fan fiction which will be based on facts from the manga. How I came to these conclusions will be mentioned in the author notes of each chapter.

Some of my theories, and/or some of the plot devices I use, may be offensive to some people. I'm hoping that many of you will be readers of my past story, and therefore will understand my writing style and so on. The 'offensive' subjects that may be addressed/show up in my story, will be things like: abuse, rape, incest, murder, sex (haha I doubt any of you would be offended by the last one)…blah, blah, blah. All I can say, is that these things are important for my plot and character development. If any of these things disturb you, I hope you will be able to look past it knowing that I will try to write things tastefully, and that it is necessary for the story. In other words, suck it up for the sake of artistic expression.

Thirdly, I've decided to write longer chapters for this story so I do not end up in the same predicament as I did in its prequel (chapters of inconsistent length, and too many of them). This story will most likely be longer than The Sun Will Rise, and therefore I don't want to end up with fifty tiny chapters. This will also mean that updates might take longer than some of you have gotten used too.

One last thing, which is actually trivial, but I figure I might as well mention it. Unlike The Sun Will Rise, which only changed POV between chapters, I will be changing POVs between scenes in this story, just because I feel like it and the chapters will be so long.

I think that is all folks. If anything else comes up, I'll mention it in an author note.

P.S. If any of you are wondering how I came up with the title of this story you can read the entry entitled "Writer's Block" on my live journal.

corripera./

Please enjoy.

Chapter 1

Tsuzuki glanced down at his watch just for good measure. He couldn't be too hopeful in thinking that the big hand would mysteriously move backwards for him, could he? Whining around the donut hanging from his mouth, he tried to finish buttoning his shirt as he walked.

He was determined to get to work on time this morning. It wasn't the first time he'd made the resolution in his career as a shinigami, but during the last three weeks, he'd gotten much closer to his goal than he ever had before. His motivation wasn't to get to the good donut selection that was only available during the morning, or to avoid Tatsumi's deadly lectures which made even the most dullest of activities seem appealing, no, his newest motivation was to get back on Hisoka's good side.

He'd taken on personal missions before, like trying every dessert on a restaurants menu or seeing how many number two pencils could fit in one ceiling tile, but at least they were doable. Trying to appease an enraged Hisoka was like taming fire, and he still couldn't keep Suzaku from burning down a good percentage of the buildings she was summoned into. Failure likely or not, he couldn't stop from trying, because unlike all the personal missions he'd made before, this one was important. Hisoka was important.

Taking the Ministry building's steps two at a time, he hurried into the main office, still struggling to knot his tie around his neck. It seemed that he'd actually made it in early today, because the room was empty for the most part. There was no doubt that Tatsumi was already in his own office, having taken no days off after being gone for over three weeks on his mission with Watari. Beyond that, the only person he knew was in for sure, was Wakaba. She was currently at the copier, humming happily in a way only a morning person would be accustomed to. Luckily for Tsuzuki, Terazuma didn't seem to be in yet, and that meant that he could avoid any early morning scathing remarks.

Wakaba smiled when she saw Tsuzuki rushing in. He smiled back, despite the nervousness beginning to creep up on him. Hisoka tended to come in early, even more so when he didn't sleep well, which was disturbingly often. Tsuzuki couldn't keep from wondering if today would be a better day, or if he would only screw things up more.

He should have known that he was making a mistake, even if he believed with all his heart that it was for Hisoka's own good, the moment he told Tatsumi to take the Kamakura case. By now he had learned that Hisoka could only see Tsuzuki's need to protect him, as a sort of patronization. Perhaps he was so unused to people genuinely caring for him, that he couldn't recognize it for what it was. It saddened Tsuzuki to think that, but it made him all the more determined to never give up on the effort.

But this time…maybe this time he'd gone too far. He could still remember the hard anger that had shone on his partner's face when he'd found out why Tatsumi and Watari were missing from the office the day after Rui's case had come in. Betrayal had intermixed when he finally realized that Tsuzuki had known--hadn't told him. The moment he saw that look, he knew that he shouldn't have kept Hisoka in the dark.

Since then, Hisoka had barely talked to him at all besides a few short sentences. Even when Tsuzuki did something that would usually get a reprimand or a book to the head, Hisoka would now only ignore him. It hurt, but Tsuzuki knew that he deserved it. Even so…he couldn't stop himself from desperately wanting to fix things. After everything that they'd gone through, all the progress they'd made…he didn't want his mistake to be what caused everything to fall apart.

Hesitating at their office door, he reminded himself not to say or do anything that would worsen matters. Slowly, and more importantly quietly, he walked in. Hisoka was predictably seated at his desk, wearing jeans and a black pullover. The ensemble wasn't entirely professional, but no one ever really bothered with dress code in the Shokan division. Besides, it wasn't what he was wearing that caught Tsuzuki's attention, but how sickly his partner looked.

Hisoka was more pale than usual this morning. His eyes were just a little darker, weary at the edges, and reddened like he might have been crying. He was prone to nightmares, Tsuzuki knew, but he looked more worn down that ever.

His partner's hands were clenched around the file he was reading, his thumb running along the edge of the flap in an agitated manner. He probably had a headache. Lately, since his empathy had begun to return like Watari had promised, he'd been suffering from them frequently.

Tsuzuki's eyes darted to the bottle of pain relievers that was on Hisoka's desk. He recalled it being a lot fuller the previous morning. Was he hurting that much? Was it ok for him to take that many? Tsuzuki wanted to ask those questions, and many more, but he tried to hold his tongue.

Now that Watari had gotten back, albeit the day before, maybe he should tell Hisoka to go talk to him. He could have his empathy checked on or get a better medicine for his headaches. Maybe Watari would tell him to go home and rest, which was what Tsuzuki had been wanting to tell him, but had been too afraid to. He cared about Hisoka too much to see him pretend like everything was ok, but if he wouldn't listen to him, then perhaps he'd listen to Watari.

Hisoka seemed really intent on what he was reading, and hadn't even glanced in Tsuzuki's direction once since he'd come in. That made it harder for Tsuzuki to know how to break the ice.

Hanging his coat over the back of his chair, Tsuzuki sat down, eyes still riveted on his partner. Wetting his lips nervously, he asked, "how are you feeling this morning?"

Hisoka didn't look up. He didn't move. He gave no indication at all of hearing what Tsuzuki had said. The report in his hands seemed to hold all his attention.

"Is your empathy getting better?" he tried again.

Hisoka's lips thinned before parting. "I'm fine."

Tsuzuki picked up his pen, twisted it in his hands, and forced himself to not say anything for a whole five seconds before blurting, "if you are still getting those headaches then maybe you should see Watari."

"I said I was fine." Hisoka drew his eyes off the pages in his hands and glared at Tsuzuki sternly. They looked even more strained now that Tsuzuki could see them properly.

"You don't look fine," Tsuzuki said before he could stop himself. "You can lay down for a bit if you want--"

"I don't need to lay down!" Hisoka snapped. "I'm fine. Stop pestering me."

Tsuzuki wilted a little, trying not to let the harsh tone get him down. It was obvious that he hadn't been able to keep his resolution this morning. He hadn't even made it to lunch today, and Hisoka was already angry with him.

"Oh, well…if you don't want to lay down…" Tsuzuki floundered for something he could do that would improve Hisoka's mood. "I could get you a donut from the break room!" Oh no…Hisoka hated sweets. Right. "Or…tea. I could get you tea or coffee if you want."

"Tsuzuki, if I wanted anything, I'd get it myself. Really, did you come in this early just bother me or are you going to get some work done?"

He smiled weakly at another one of his attempts failing. He looked to his own stack of papers and reluctantly pulled some forward. Working would seem like a logical way to get on Hisoka's good side, but it was difficult to focus on what he was writing, when he couldn't help but glance up ever other word. He was just too worried to work, and seeing Hisoka look so unwell…

Gathering his conviction, he placed the tip of his pen to a paper and began to scribble down some sentences where the form permitted. He thought he was doing a fabulous job, until he heard the sound of Hisoka finally putting down the report he'd been reading.

There was a long stretch of silence, and Tsuzuki almost convinced his eyes not to wander from the work he was supposed to be paying attention to, when he heard another sound. There was a rattle and a tap, and before he could even think twice, he was watching Hisoka twist the cap free from the bottle of pain killers.

Tsuzuki bit his lip. Hisoka's hands were shaking a little. He couldn't stay quiet. "You aren't fine. You should go home and rest. I'll tell Tatsumi--"

"Can't you leave me alone?!" Hisoka slammed the bottle back onto his desk, a few of the pills scattering. Hisoka's face was pinched angrily, but his eyes were shining as if he were closer to crying than anything.

"Hisoka…"

"I said I was fine, so I'm FINE! You never listen to a damn thing I say! I can take care of myself! I don't need you hovering all the time!"

"I wasn't hovering!" Tsuzuki shouted indignantly. "Why are you getting so mad? I was only trying to help--"

"I don't need your help!" Hisoka stood up suddenly. "I'm going to the library." Stalking to the door, he paused on his way out, and shot over his shoulder, "I'm fine."

Tsuzuki froze, half out of his chair and half in. He'd already been moving to follow Hisoka, but he stopped at the last reminder that he wasn't wanted.

Hisoka had been touchy the last couple of weeks, but he hadn't ever acted that upset. Tsuzuki wasn't trying to be overbearing, he just cared. If only Hisoka could understand…

Tsuzuki sighed, and stood up. Walking around to Hisoka's desk, he began to gather the runaway pills and tip them back into their bottle. After replacing its cap, he read the back, only to have his suspicions confirmed. Hisoka was easily taking three if not four times the recommended dosage. He wasn't sure if a shinigami had to worry about overdosing, but he still didn't like it. If Hisoka didn't talk to Watari on his own, then he'd do it himself.

While setting the bottle down, the folder that Hisoka had been reading earlier caught his attention. There wasn't anything remarkable about it, but he was close enough to read the label now.

Something in the pit of his stomach clenched painfully. Oh. He stared at the folder for a full minute, replaying in his head what had happened since he'd come into work that morning, and suddenly he understood why Hisoka had been more upset than usual.

In retrospect, he should have known that Tatsumi was an efficient guy, and being the efficient guy that he was, would have already finished his case report. On top of that, he should have known that Hisoka would want to know what had happened with his family. His family.

Tsuzuki swallowed guiltily. If the case had gone badly then it would be his fault. He would surely be blamed for keeping Hisoka off the case. And by the way Hisoka had acted this morning…

A strong anxiety coursing through him, Tsuzuki fell back into Hisoka's chair, his eyes never straying from the folder. Obviously he should read it. He knew he should. Still, he sat for a full minute in dread, unable to make a move towards it.

"Come on Tsuzuki…," he whispered to himself.

Hands a little shaky, he dragged the folder forward. It was light for a case of a long duration, but Tatsumi was known to be succinct rather than wordy. Taking a deep breath he opened it. The font was small and the boring sort that looked like it'd come from a type writer. It looked rather ordinary for something that could be the harbinger of bad news.

He began reading cautiously, comparing the world Tatsumi described with the one he'd seen. It was difficult to picture things the way he wrote them, but certain lines stuck out at him, allowing him to decipher the differences between reality and what the spell had created.

The Kurosaki estate, it would seem, wasn't all that different from what he'd witnessed. Minus Hisoka, the situation was eerily similar as well. "…Kurosaki Nagare suffered an eye infliction as well as a severe skin condition similar to psoriasis…," Tsuzuki read aloud in disbelief. Several minutes passed and his heart sank when he read, "after further investigation, the curse could be ascertained. Kurosaki Rui--"

Tsuzuki's heart sped up, his mouth becoming dry. Rui was pregnant in real life too, or as Tatsumi put it, "…an abnormal pregnancy with a gestation period exceeding two years…Heath unstable…living conditions questionable…" Phrases forced images to invade Tsuzuki's mind. He could see that sickly woman strewn on her bed again, skin a shocking white from lack of sunlight. He remembered that cell only too well, and could feel the heat of flames as it was consumed. Only in reality there was never a fire. Iowa hadn't killed Rui here. Without Hisoka, without Tsuzuki's presence…things had followed a different path.

In a partial state of shock, Tsuzuki continued to read the report, unable to truly comprehend what had happened. He just kept thinking about Hisoka, and how close to crying he'd looked before he'd fled their office.

"How did this happen…"

Tsuzuki finished reading, and covered his face with his hand, breathing deeply. It was all real. The Kurosaki family really was cursed, and Hisoka really would have ended up--

But no, that wasn't the worst of it.

Face unreadable, Tsuzuki swiftly stood up, and strode from the office. Tatsumi. He needed to talk to Tatsumi now.

He walked across the central office space, ignoring the now present Terazuma when he shot out caustically, "what are you doing strutting around this early? Piss off Kurosaki again?"

Within seconds he reached Tatsumi's office, and entered without warning. Tatsumi looked up calmly at the interruption, waving him in.

"I see that knocking was a passing phase for you."

"I read the file." Tsuzuki shut the door, and sat down impatiently. "Why didn't you tell me as soon as you got back?"

Tatsumi sighed, and folded his hands together in a thoughtful manner. "I knew that you'd be upset. You didn't ask, and Kurosaki-kun did." He smiled grimly. "I thought it would be best if I broke the news to him first."

"But I don't understand, why--"

"We did the best we could. If you've read the report, then you know that the situation was precarious enough without our involvement." Tsuzuki did know…but didn't want to accept it.

"There was nothing you could do…?"

"We had to terminate the pregnancy before we could exorcise Yatonokami. It was extremely likely she would die either way. We were at least giving her a chance."

"How…?"

"It is called a late-term abortion. Watari performed it. She was stable at first, and we planned to send her to a hospital once the curse was broken. Nagare agreed to everything before hand of course. However, before we could dispel Yatonokami, she went into cardiac arrest, and we weren't able to revive her. Her organs were already weak and on the verge of failure as it was, so the fact that she survived as long as she did was a miracle in of itself." Tatsumi's face rarely gave away his feelings, but Tsuzuki understood his slight frown and dark eyes.

"I'm sure you're right…" Tsuzuki bit his lip, a sad sort of frustration making his fists clench painfully. "I just…I wanted everything to work out so that Hisoka…"

"I'd hoped for the best as well. I would've liked to have spared Kurosaki-kun further regrets, but it just wasn't possible. Watari-san was truly dedicated to the case, more so than I've ever seen him on any other project. He put his all into trying to keep her alive. It was just her time." Tatsumi's voice had a lilt of sadness.

"But not Nagare's?"

"No. Without a vessel for Yatonokami to be reborn into, he was surprisingly weak. It was taxing for Nagare-san's body to attempt to remove the demon, but the possession itself was slowly killing him. We managed to exorcize Yatonokami in the end. He struggled, but it served as an advantage. Yatonokami depleted his energy enough that he couldn't create a physical form once he was removed."

"So he's gone?"

"Yes."

Tsuzuki nodded, relaxing a little in his chair. "You wrote that Nagare was injured."

Tatsumi inclined his head. "When Yatonokami was extracted it caused some physical damage. He suffered skin lesions and blood loss. The mark of Nagare-san's possession was a snake tattoo that covered a large portion of his skin." (1)

Tsuzuki could remember Sagaanasu ripping out of his back when he'd been rejecting his own possession. Even as a shinigami with his accelerated healing, it had not only been immensely painful, but had taken time in the infirmary before he could fully heal. He couldn't imagine what it would be like for a mortal.

From what Tatsumi had said, it sounded like external damaged opposed to internal injury like he experienced, so he hoped that meant he would be able to recover fully.

"What happened to him?"

"Once Watari-san had him in stable condition, we sent him to the closest hospital. He needs proper care if he is going to make it. From what I've heard, he is now in good condition, and will be able to leave the hospital when he has healed more." Tatsumi smiled dimly. "At least now the Kurosaki family, what is left of it, will no longer be burdened with such a curse."

"That is good…" Tsuzuki made eye-contact with Tatsumi. "I can't imagine what it would have been like for Hisoka…if he'd continued to live in that family. It could have been him someday. He would have had to…"

"Tsuzuki," Tatsumi said in the fond way he used in moments like these. He'd heard it much more during their partnership, but Tatsumi still used it when he knew that Tsuzuki needed comfort. "That isn't how things are now. I'm sure Hisoka appreciates what he has here."

"He probably hates me…" Tsuzuki slumped back into his chair. "He was already angry that I kept him off the case but now…" Tsuzuki rubbed at his face tiredly, trying not cry. "What if he doesn't want to be my partner anymore?"

"Perhaps not telling him the truth was a poor move on your part, but I'm sure he knows you only had the best of intentions in mind. You two have been through worse. Just be there for him like usual. He'll come around."

"He has been so cold lately. He doesn't even want to talk to me."

"Give him time," Tatsumi said calmly.

"But--" Tsuzuki stopped himself and sighed deeply. "I wish I could fix everything."

"I doubt that he truly blames you for anything. His anger is misdirected now, but give him a bit of time to sort though his feelings, and he'll come to you."

"You sound so sure."

"You are the only person he really trusts. It is common sense."

Tsuzuki was silent for a while, and Tatsumi allowed him to be. He continued working on whatever it was he'd been doing before Tsuzuki had interrupted, and Tsuzuki took some time to think things over. Finally, he worked up the courage to ask, "what were they like?"

"And by they, you are referring to--"

"His parents. Did they seem…like bad people?" Under the spell, Hisoka had loved his parents, most especially his mother, openly. In reality, he seemed to hate them. Of course Tsuzuki knew something of Hisoka's real childhood, but the contrast was difficult to understand when he'd only seen the one side.

Tatsumi looked up, but took his time before answering. "I couldn't tell you anything about his mother, however I would not describe Nagare-san as a bad person." He sighed, leaning back in his own chair and rubbing at his temple, as if this had been a subject that had been bothering him for a while. "Quite honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect. Nagare-san did not strike me as a purposefully malicious man. He spoke remorsefully and quite fondly of his passed daughter."

"But what about Hisoka?"

"He never spoke of him. I still can't be sure if this was out of guilt or lack of empathy." Tatsumi's eyes looked tired. "Nagare-san was troubled, that I am sure of, but I can't tell you what would cause him to treat his own son the way he did." (2)

"Even after everything he didn't--not a word?" Tsuzuki's eyes narrowed.

"To be fair, I never broached the subject myself. I'm sorry."

"No. I just--" He forced himself to relax again. "I thought that maybe even a little remorse…"

"I doubt second-hand apologies would do anything to improve Kurosaki-kun's current emotional state."

"You're right." Tsuzuki gave a meek hopeful smile. "Maybe just a little time…and things will get better."

qpqpqpqpqpqp

The echo of his quick footsteps were swallowed by the massive bookshelves surrounding him. Hisoka knew that at the very least, no one was there to hear him. As sensitive as his empathy had been since its gradual return, he would know if anyone was in the vicinity.

The blond charged quickly towards the area of the library he regularly haunted. It wasn't intentional, but at the moment he needed somewhere to be. His fists were clenched impossibly tight, half-moon cuts being dug into his palms. His breathing was audibly loud, catching like it took all his energy to control it.

He reached his usual reading chair, but didn't sit down. Instead, Hisoka paced by the spot, breath now choking. "Damn it!" His eyes pinched closed, but as demanded, remained dry.

He wouldn't cry. Not over this. Not over her. He shook, anger rolling up his spine. "You deserved it!" he hissed to himself. "I hate you! You--you deserved--"

He took a few gulping breaths, his pace getting quicker, until suddenly he crumpled. He fell into the worn armchair, unable to stop himself from trembling. His fingers clawed into the upholstery, trying to ground himself somewhere solid, while his emotions turned.

"I don't care," he whispered to the dusty shelves.

The words in that report were still vivid in his mind. Memories of the spell clashing with childhood memories mixing with recent events deadpanned in Tatsumi's no nonsense way. Somehow even though they were only printed details, they ran into flourishes of images, and diluted feelings, almost like he was recalling experiences he'd had.

But he hadn't been there. He didn't see his mother die. He didn't see a demon forcibly ripped from his father's flesh. He hadn't been there at all, and…he was glad.

This was hard enough. Knowing what had happened, knowing that his mother was dead, that was enough to make him feel sick. He didn't want to care about any of it, but he did, and with an intensity that scared him. After everything that they had done to him, the hate and disgust they'd shown him, he still couldn't cut away the part of himself that wanted his parents to be safe--the same part that had been strengthened after the events of his last case.

He couldn't deny the sadness and pain that crawled under his skin when he'd read his mother's fate, nor could he pretend that he wasn't the tiniest bit grateful that his father had survived.

"I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

Tatsumi and Watari had been able to do things that he would have never been capable of if he'd been the one there. Nothing could have stopped--She had been meant to die. Then why did he feel so--

He balled his fists over his eyes, his head pounding. His headache was only growing worse, but he couldn't get himself to calm down. It wasn't like any of this would change a thing. His parents, dead or alive, hated him. He hated them. His death had proved that nothing could fix the rift between him and his parents. They had never once shown concern for his failing health, or shed a tear as his time on earth had drawn to a close. They had so obviously not cared, and it was unfair that he could not help but care so much now.

"You never once--!" His chest heaved.

It was ridiculous really. Here he was getting upset like a child, over people who had hated him since the day he was born, then when someone truly cared about him… When Tsuzuki tried to help…he could only push him away.

"Damn it…"

It had been her time to go. The pregnancy had drained her…and it was for the best. At least Yatonokami had been destroyed. His father could finally be free--Alone--but why shouldn't his father be forced to feel the same loneliness he'd been condemned to as a child?! Why--

"I don't care…"

Why should he care? Why be upset for them?

"I don't--!"

When they never cared--

Never--!

Hisoka curled into himself, pressing his face into his knees. His headache had turned into a temple throbbing migraine. They weren't worth anything he was feeling now. Even anger was more than what they deserved. He just wouldn't think about it anymore. His parents had been out of his life for over two years now, so this had nothing to do with him. It wouldn't affect his life here. He would be just fine. This was passing news, that was all, and once it had sunk in he could put it to the back of his mind.

He wouldn't even need to think about the spell anymore. He knew the truth about his family, and now everything was settled.

"It's over…," he reaffirmed aloud.

For several minutes he sat in the same position, slowly calming himself with weak declarations. Just when he was beginning to focus less on his frenzied emotions, and more on his aching head, he felt the press of someone else's emotions approach.

He'd been more than distracted, so he only had enough warning to quickly straighten into a more dignified position, before the familiar bubble of emotions turned in Watari walking down his isle of book shelves.

He paused when he spotted Hisoka, eyes inspecting him in one sweep. Hisoka was aware of how odd he must look, sitting in a chair without a single book within reach in a library, face probably still betraying some of his lingering emotions, and all at an early morning hour. If Watari noticed any of this, he gave no indication of it right away. His emotions, always an incomprehensible flurry, didn't waver, and he gave a beaming smile.

"Morning Bon! Funny seeing you here so early in the morning."

As casual as the comment sounded, Hisoka knew that Watari was fishing for an admission on his part. He didn't want the scientist to know how upset he'd been only minutes prior. It was better to admit a minor weakness to cover for a larger one.

"I have a headache. I needed to be somewhere quiet."

"Ah yes, your empathy must be returning by now."

"It has."

"I'm guessing it is not all fun and games." Watari gave him a knowing look. "Is it acting overly sensitive?"

Hisoka wondered how Tsuzuki had managed to get his way after all. He hadn't intended on visiting Watari, but it seemed that the other shinigami had come to him. "I thought it would have lessened by now," Hisoka confessed.

"Hmm…" Watari tilted his head, causing his glasses to slide halfway down his nose. He didn't bother to fix them. "I don't think there is much I can do help you with that, but if you are interested in some pain killers…perhaps something more prescription strength…?"

Hisoka was cautious to accept any help, especially from someone who regularly experimented on people, but Watari was pretty reliable when it came to the whole doctor-patient thing. As much as his pride would have liked him to turn down the offer, his head commanded otherwise.

"Thanks…"

"No problem. Let's just take a trip to my lab."

Watari waited for him to stand up, and then they both proceeded to leave the library. Hisoka still didn't feel completely in control of his emotions, but it was easier to force them down with someone watching. He convinced himself that he would feel better once his headache was gone.

As they made their way through the main building, Watari asked, "So how are things going between you and Tsuzuki."

Hisoka tensed. "Fine."

"Just fine?" Watari was smiling to himself. "I thought you might be past fine after that kiss." Hisoka almost stumbled over himself. Tsuzuki had never brought up the kiss, and he'd been too embarrassed or otherwise preoccupied being angry with him to ask, so he'd almost succeeded in believing that it had never really happened. After all, he'd passed out seconds later, and there was no way that Tsuzuki would--It had to be some sort of 'caught in the moment' type thing and--

Hisoka blushed beet red. "We're fine," he said shakily and with a hint of anger.

"So news that you had a spat this morning would just be rumors?" Watari had to be enjoying himself with that infuriating smirk… He was purposefully trying to goad him.

"It would be no one's business." He had the sneaking suspicion that Watari had been sent after him. How could he know that they'd fought this quickly? Why would he be in the library this early, and just happen to walk by where Hisoka usually read. It was obvious that he hadn't been looking for a book, so…

Watari chuckled. "I can see what everyone was talking about."

"Everyone--" Hisoka glared at the ground. Damn nosy people, what were they saying now?!

"How fine you two are seems to be the talk of the department since we left." Watari started fishing in his lab coat for his keycard. "I'm guessing that Tsuzuki withholding pertinent facts didn't go over too well with you."

Hisoka glared at Watari, but it wasn't very effective since the man wasn't looking his way. Why did everyone think it was their business what was going on between him and Tsuzuki? They didn't know anything. They couldn't know what it was like to have their memories twisted up on themselves, to be this conflicted, and have the person you trust most not tell you the full truth. They couldn't know what he'd been feeling these past weeks as he tried to sort out his confusion and anger.

Hisoka was ready to forget the whole thing and tell Watari off, but they'd finally arrived at his lab, and he was already opening the door. "Let's see what I can find for you."

He followed him inside and raised an eyebrow. There were papers scattered all over the lab workbenches, and his computer desk was a mess. "What were you doing," he asked before he could think better of it.

"I came in early so I could finish up my case report. I think maybe too early--look, all the coffee is gone already." Hisoka distractedly glanced at the empty pot, but then his eyes were roving over the messy paper stacks. Curiosity and the need for more answers burned in his stomach. "I'm sure you've read Tatsumi's by now." Again his tone was casual, but it was too easy to see he had ulterior motives.

"When I first came in this morning."

"Have you talked to Tsuzuki about it?"

"No." Hisoka's anger redoubled. "I don't see why it would matter to you."

"I just thought that considering what you two experienced together, it would be important for you to rely on each other."

"I don't need therapy. I thought you were going to give me some pain killers, or was that just so you had an excuse to badger me." Hisoka crossed his arms and scowled.

"Something like that." Watari's face became more serious. "Don't worry, it wasn't an empty promise." He opened one of the closer cabinets and pulled out a bottle. "I knew that you would come if there was a reason, but I'd also thought that you would have had questions to ask by now."

Hisoka was silent, unsure if he wanted to accept the offer or take the pills and go. He did have questions, but by asking them he might get answers he didn't like or be opening the way for Watari to ask him more questions.

Hisoka stepped forward and took the bottle of pills, inspecting them to be sure they wouldn't kill him, before sitting down. Watari seemed pleased, or at least that was the gist of some of the emotions he could pick up. Sitting at his desk, Watari gestured for him ask away.

There were many questions still buzzing in his head, but few of them could be asked without reflecting on him with a vulnerable light. He wanted to ask about the estate, and if the gardens were still being up kept. He wanted to know if his mother would be buried in the family plot, and if his grave had ever made it there. Most of all, he wanted to know if his name was ever mentioned, if his father ever once thought about him, or if he really was forgotten so quickly. He picked at the bottle cap and looked down at his knees.

Finally he asked, "how did you convince him to allow the exorcism?" He really wanted to know if they'd told him they were shinigami. He could only imagine how his father would have reacted to such news.

"Tatsumi did most of the talking. I'm not completely sure how he explained it, but I believe Nagare was willing to take a risk at that point," Watari answered neutrally. Hisoka flinched internally at hearing his father's name spoken out loud. It was a strange thing to hear from one of his coworkers.

"Did he know you were shinigami?"

"I think he may have figured it out by the end. It became apparent that we weren't doctors, and at one point Tatsumi drank poisoned wine sent by his brother and survived. He didn't turn us away however."

Really? Hisoka thought on this for a moment, wondering why his father had been so afraid of his own child and not of two shinigami staying at his house. But it had always been his mother that had feared him the most…no, his father's eyes had always shone with hate. And the way he would say, "Hisoka," like he'd stolen it away from someone dear to him…

His throat burned. "Was he upset when she died?"

There was a pause and he could feel Watari's eyes pinned on him. "I couldn't say. We worked rather quickly after that so Yatonokami wouldn't have a chance."

Of course his father wouldn't have cared. No matter what, it was only the family name and himself that he cared about. Well now he could truly be alone with his stupid honor. The pills rattled as his fist tightened. He wondered if his father had felt the same fear as he had when he'd painfully brushed with death. Had he been scared, or wished for someone--anyone--to be there with him?

It would have been a fitting punishment.

"He'll survive?"

"He should."

Hisoka fell silent, having nothing more he could ask openly. He uncapped the pill bottle and popped one into his mouth dry. It stuck a little in his throat, the taste bitter and horrid, but a good distraction for the pain in his head.

"I'm surprised that you didn't ask anything about yourself. I would have thought what I'd said before would have sparked some curiosity by now."

"What?"

"Your empathy. I thought that you would have wanted to know more. It might give you a better answer than pain relievers." Hisoka looked up for the first time since they'd begun talking, and he was surprised by how deep Watari's eyes were. He'd never noticed before, but they seemed full of knowledge beneath their friendly veneer.

"I…" Hisoka frowned. "I haven't had time."

"We are Shinigami, Bon. All we have is time." Watari smiled, but it felt odd somehow, although Hisoka couldn't place it. "The more you know the better chance that you'll understand, and the more you understand the more things there are to know."

Hisoka knew what Watari meant, but thought it was a pretty philosophical statement for a man of science to make. Then again, perhaps it was just that background he was speaking from.

"You said that empathy is rare. What if I don't find anything in the library?" Hisoka challenged.

"As it happens, now you wouldn't." Watari pointed at one of the messy piles at a lab station. Hisoka didn't understand what Watari was getting at until he continued, "I took the liberty of checking out some books for you. Just some things that may be of interest."

"Really?" Hisoka was surprised. He hadn't expected Watari to go so far for him. When he thought about it…Watari had looked for him in the library just to give him the chance to ask questions. He'd been looking out for him since the beginning. Just like Tsuzuki…he was trying to help, and Hisoka had been so rude. A bit of guilt sprouted in his gut. Things had been so messed up recently, but he was beginning to realize that there were more people that cared about him than he'd previously thought.

"Yes, just try to turn them in on time. The Gushoshen can hold grudges for the longest time over just a few books."

"Thank you…"

Hisoka stood up and unburied the books from the messy pile. There were two titles: Anatomy of a Shinigami and Principal Treaties and Proclamations. The third book had no title at all. They were all old and dusty, but in good shape like they hadn't been checked out much. Hisoka wondered how many shinigami like him, hadn't ever bothered to learn more about there current 'lives,' but had instead just gone by what little had been told to them when they'd first died. He could confess that even after spending so much time in the library, he'd never thought to search for more information. He'd always assumed that if there was something important to know…then someone would tell him.

But that just sounded ignorant now that he thought about it. He picked up the large books gratefully, and with growing expectation.

"I'd be happy if those are able to help you, but as I said before, I'd encourage you to talk to Tsuzuki."

Hisoka's ears reddened. "I don't know what to say to him," he said quietly. "I'm not mad at him for what he did, not now anyway. Just…so much has happened."

Watari shrugged. "I think a 'good morning' would go a long way. I doubt he expects as much as you are thinking. Some forgiveness might ease the tension between you two."

Hisoka nodded, then asked hesitantly, "who told you about our fight this morning? Tsuzuki?"

Watari grinned broadly. "Tatsumi. He's the one who gave me a heads up."

A shimmer of something wove through Watari's aura, but it was jumbled enough that he couldn't decipher it. He wondered what it meant.

"I better head back." He stowed his pills away in his jean pocket, and shifted the books to sit comfortably in his arms.

"Not so fast." He stopped and looked questioningly at Watari. "I think it would be a good idea for you to go home and get some rest. At least until you get used to those pills. They can make you groggy." Hisoka was ready to argue, but Watari held up his hand. "These are doctors orders, and Tatsumi has already agreed. Do you really want to disobey him?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it. Slowly he nodded.

"Good then. That will give you some time to read those too. Have a good day."

Hisoka scowled but chose to give up the fight. It might have been wishful thinking but it felt like his headache was letting up a little.

(1) Here I was referring to the mark that is supposed to appear on a possessed persons body. Watari says that a mark should appear, during the Devil's Trill arc, when Tsuzuki is bitten and then gets an x mark on his shoulder. Since Nagare is possessed and he is shown in the manga as having a large snake tattoo when Yatonokami isn't out and molesting him, I figured that this is his mark.

(2) I doubt that at any point in the manga Tatsumi is ever made aware of the extent of Hisoka's mistreatment as a child. I think that it is more of a general knowledge that he was treated like crap. Just thought I should clarify.

AN: My first chapter! Yay! At least things are finally rolling. God I am so happy school is now over, and yes, it really did keep me that busy that it took me forever to get started on this. It was worth it though, I'm proud to say that I made my class valedictorian! The suffering wasn't for naught. (Now I'm in the working force and hating it!)

See you next chapter! Please review!