A/N: It's been five years, but I'm back! Who's ready for a Horcrux Hunt?

Horcrux Hunt

"So, where are the Horcruxes?" asked Harry.

Regulus laughed. "Did you really think I was just going to hand them to you? You are going to have to do some of the work, you know."

"Let me rephrase that," said Harry, pointing his wand at the painting. "Where are the Horcruxes?"

"Are you sure he's the Chosen One?" Regulus asked Hermione. "I'd hate to have to put my money on Voldemort what with him double crossing me and all."

Hermione sighed. "We have to hunt for them, Harry. Like an egg hunt. It will be fun," she explained, forcing some enthusiasm.

"Fun," repeated Harry, looking at her in disbelief.

"Well, not fun exactly, more like excruciatingly awful," Hermione admitted. "But at least we don't have to traipse all over the world looking for Horcruxes. They're all right here. Somewhere."

"I've hidden the Horcruxes in Easter eggs that you will have to hunt for. And did I mention there's costumes?" said Regulus brightly.

"No, you did not," said Hermione darkly.

"Costumes?" repeated Harry warily.

"You can hardly go on a hunt without proper attire," Regulus replied haughtily, flicking his wand and casting an apparel-changing spell on the entire group.

Harry glared down at his furry white feet but then perked up when he saw Ginny in her much sexier red satin Play Boy bunny-style costume.

"Why do I always get stuck with maroon?" Ron complained.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're wearing a bunny suit, and it's the color you complain about?"

"Well, at least your bunny suit is white," pouted Ron. "That's traditional. Whoever heard of a maroon bunny?"

"Just be happy you're not wearing pink," said Harry, smirking and cocking his rabbit ears at Malfoy.

Ron looked over at Malfoy and burst out laughing.

Malfoy, clad head to toe in bubble gum pink fluffiness, sneered back at him. "Go ahead and laugh it up you, maroon. At least I'm man enough to pull it off."

"That's a matter of opinion," returned Ron, still snickering.

"Luckily, it's not your opinion that matters," Malfoy retorted, giving Hermione a flirtatious sideways glance.

Hermione rolled her eyes and tugged on the bottom of her skimpy bunny costume which was Slytherin green and currently riding up her backside.

"Look at us! We're matchy-matchy," said Fred and George, bumping hips and proudly showing off their identical blue bunny suits.

"I'm going to get a little tail," said Fred, giving Hermione's bunny tail a squeeze.

"Now, we can really shag like rabbits," said George, grinding into Hermione from behind.

Hermione responded with stinging hexes to both of them.

"Not much fun since she fell in lurf with Malfoy, is she?" grumbled George to Fred.

"Let's just get this over with," Hermione grumbled.

"There's the enthusiasm I was looking for," said Regulus. And with a flick of his wand, he transformed the parlor into an ominous, overgrown garden, filled with sinister looking flowering plants, creeping vines and tall shrubbery that cast creepy shadows. It was eerily beautiful and completely terrifying.

"Hey!" Fred exclaimed. "I recognize this. It's from the WWW gardening catalog. Gardens Gone Wild."

"You're the big order that Verity was telling us about," said George, turning to look at Regulus.

"That was a lot of money," said Fred, narrowing his eyes. "I hope you're good for it."

"I'm dead," replied Regulus. "If you want any of my money, you'll have to talk to him," he said, pointing at Harry.

"I'm not paying for this," huffed Harry.

"I suppose I could just send it all back," said Regulus offhandedly, "but then I would have to call off the hunt."

"We'll put it on your tab, Harry," said George, clapping him on the back.

Harry scowled but didn't argue any further.

Regulus gave Harry a smug look and then flicked his wand. Colorful eggs dotted the garden landscape. "Let the Horcrux Hunt begin!"

"You didn't hide them very well," observed Ron. "I can see at least a dozen from here."

"The challenge isn't so much finding the eggs." Regulus smirked. "It's surviving them once you find them."

"They're booby trapped," Hermione explained.

"Booby," echoed all the boys, laughing childishly.

Hermione rolled her eyes and grabbed her Easter Basket. "Let's go."

"Wait a minute," said Fred, grabbing onto her cotton tail so she couldn't leave. "What do you say we make this hunt a bit more interesting?"

Hermione swatted his hand away."Why? Because hunting for deadly eggs that hold pieces of Voldemort's soul isn't interesting enough already?" she asked sarcastically.

"I think we could make it even more interesting," said Fred, his eyes twinkling mischievously, "How about the person who finds the most Horcruxes wins a special prize."

"Ooh, I like it," said George, rubbing his hands together. "Nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. What does the winner get? Hermione?"

"No!" Hermione exclaimed angrily. "I am a strong, intelligent woman with an intrinsic sense of self-worth, not some prize for your stupid competition."

"Yeah," agreed Ginny. "She's a strong, intelligent woman blah, blah, blah. What would I want with her for a prize."

"You could have Harry," offered George.

"Oh, okay," agreed Ginny. "So, would we get to boss them around for a day or what?"

"Slave for a day!" sang the twins in unison. Then looking at each other and smirking, sang, "Sex slave for a day!"

"No," Hermione repeated.

"Why not?" Fred whined. "If you win, you can have Malfoy if you want."

"Or," said George, putting his arm around his twin's shoulders. "You could have a two for one special." He raised his eyebrows up and down suggestively.

"Forget it," Hermione replied adamantly. "I won't do it. I am not participating in your stupid little competition."

"Why not?" asked Fred. "Are you... chicken?"

"Bwok, bwok, bwok!" squawked George.

"That is not going to work on me," Hermione retorted, crossing her arms across her chest. She'd learned her lesson on that the hard way.

"The question is..." Fred smirked. "Will it work on Malfoy?"

George began smirking as well. "What do you say, Malfoy? Are you man enough to compete with us, or are you as big of a coward as everyone says you are?"

Malfoy glared at the twins and then through gritted teeth replied, "We're in."

"What!" exclaimed Hermione, looking at Malfoy in shock. "Are you insane? Did you forget what it was like losing to a Weasley?"

Malfoy turned a little green, thinking about what Ginny Weasley had made him do at breakfast, but he was resolved. "I'll win this time."

"Doubtful," mumbled Fred.

"He doesn't stand a chance," agreed George, "But we probably shouldn't discourage him."

"You got this, mate," said Fred and George in unison, giving Malfoy the thumbs up.

"I refuse," said Hermione stubbornly.

"You can't," Malfoy retorted. "You're still under my command, and I say we're participating."

"You can't make me do anything sexual," Hermione reminded him.

Malfoy sighed. "All in favor of it being just a regular slave for a day as opposed to a sex slave for a day say Aye."

"Aye," chorused everyone, some less enthusiastically than others.

"It's fine by me," said Ron. "I just want a regular slave anyway, or should I say slaves? I'm going for the two for one special. I'm going to make Fred and George pay for all the shit they've put me through over the years."

"Point of clarification," said Ginny, raising her hand. "If our prize agrees, can we still go the sex slave route?"

"All in favor," said Fred.

Harry gulped first but said, "Aye," along with everyone else. Hermione abstained from voting.

George nudged Fred. "Ha! We still have a chance. Malfoy's bound to piss her off at some point during this hunt and then she'll want to have revenge sex. She'll probably be begging to be our sex slave."

"You do realize only one of us can win," pointed out Fred.

"But we're twins. We share everything, right?"

"Um... yeah, right," replied Fred, his lips turning a deep, lying shade of green.

Hermione turned on Malfoy. "Do you even want to have sex with me?" she asked exasperatedly, glaring at him. "I mean, do people in lurf actually have sex?"

"Yes!" Malfoy practically shouted at her. "People in lurf most definitely have sex. Lots of sex!"

"Then why the fuck are you agreeing to a competition where I will end up with either one or both of the Weasley twins?"

"Because he's an idiot," replied the twins.

"Maybe he's a masochist," Ron suggested.

"I vote idiot," said Ginny.

"I agree with whatever Ginny thinks," replied Harry.

"Maybe he's just a born loser," drawled Regulus. "Like the rest of the Malfoys."

Malfoy glared at all of them before turning to Hermione and taking her hands in his. "I'm really sorry. I know you don't understand, but I have to do this. Trust me. I'm going to win this."

Hermione let out a sigh. "Fine, but I think Ron might be onto something about you being a masochist."

"Maybe," Malfoy replied, giving her a wink, "But we all know who the loser is," he said, looking over at Fred, who was still sporting an 'L' on his forehead.

"We'll soon see who the real loser is," replied Fred, smirking at Malfoy. "We all know exactly just what kind of seeker you are."

"Yeah, the losing kind." George laughed.

"And we're beaters," added Fred, "Which means we're going to beat all of you to the eggs."

"We win the family egg hunt every year," George boasted.

"Only because you cheat," accused Ginny.

"Exactly," the twins said in unison, smiling mischievously before turning and Apparating away.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Ron. Grabbing a basket, he took off at a run toward the nearest egg but tripped and fell on his face. He quickly scrambled back up and immediately tripped again. "Ginny!" he yelled, glaring back at his sister, who was now giggling uncontrollably.

"Sorry, Ron, but I need myself a boy toy." Ginny Apparated to the egg Ron was going for, and smirking at him, dropped it in her basket.

Smirking back at her, Ron held his wand up and shouted, "Accio eggs!" However, the smug expression on his face soon turned to horror as all of the brightly colored eggs in sight started flying directly toward his face. Screaming, Ron made a run for it but no matter which direction he turned the eggs followed.

"I guess I better go help him," said Harry in a resigned voice, trotting off after Ron.

Hermione started to follow, but Draco grabbed her hand and held her back. "Not yet," he said.

"They've already started. What are you waiting for?" Hermione snapped.

Instead of answering, Draco held up his finger and waited until a scream could be heard off in the distance. "That," he replied. "May as well let all of the stupid Gryffindors go first, so we know what we're dealing with."

Hermione scowled at him. "I'm a Gryffindor."

"But you're not stupid, are you?"

Hermione looked down at their entwined hands and let out a sigh. "Sometimes I wonder."

Screaming like a banshee, Ginny came running out of a hedge maze followed by a herd of Blast-Ended Skrewts. Distracted by Ginny running past them with her cotton tail on fire, Harry and Ron ended up getting pelted with a dozen raw eggs. Covered in drippy egg goo, they ran off to rescue her.

"Come on," said Malfoy, dragging Hermione over to a nearby park bench. "We can watch everything from here."

"We can't just sit here and do nothing!"

"We're not going to do nothing. We're going to enjoy the show. And maybe snog a little," he added, casually putting his arm around her shoulders.

"Are you trying to lose?" Hermione accused.

"Of course not," Malfoy scoffed. "I have a plan. I just thought it might be fun to watch all of them suffer for a while. Merlin knows, we could both use a break."

"I'm not disagreeing by any means, but I think you're underestimating the Weasley twins."

Malfoy gave her a wicked grin. "I think the Weasley twins are underestimating me."

"Just so you know, if the Weasley twins do win, I'm using my command and recruiting you for my assistant."

"I'm not worried," Malfoy replied dismissively. "Can we snog now?"

"Okay." Hermione shrugged. Turning away from the awkward sight of Harry and Ron holding hands and skipping through the tulips, she met Malfoy's eager lips for a hungry kiss. Thank Merlin everyone else was occupied. She needed this. She never thought she'd feel this way, but she missed being alone with Malfoy. She regretted that they wasted so much time torturing each other with silly Weasley products. After all, there were so many more interesting ways to torture each other.

"I am so turned on right now," Malfoy murmured in her ear as his lips methodically traveled down her body. "You are so sexy in your little bunny costume."

Hermione watched him kiss and lick his way down her cleavage. In his enthusiasm, she almost got poked in the eye by one of his pink bunny ears. "I think you're sexy, too," she choked out before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

Malfoy stopped kissing her and glared.

"I'm sorry," said Hermione, still laughing. "I can't say that with a straight face. You're so pink and fluffy."

When Hermione's laughter finally started to die down, Malfoy growled, "Are you done?"

Taking in one last shuddering breath to gain her composure, Hermione nodded. "Carry on."

Malfoy slowly slid his fingers up Hermione's side, causing her breath to hitch. He then gently cupped her breast with his hand, and she completely lost it.

"Now what!" snapped Malfoy.

"It's just that..." Hermione was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. "It's like I'm getting felt up by the Easter Bunny! Okay. I'm sorry. I think I'm alright now."

"Forget it," said Malfoy sulkily. "I'm not in the mood anymore." He scooted to the other side of the bench and grumpily crossed his arms across his chest.

Hermione looked over at him and couldn't help smiling. He was so cute in his fluffy, pink bunny suit, especially now that he was pouting. Even his ears were drooping. Scooting over next to him, she straightened one of his ears and whispered in her sexiest voice, "I really am sorry that I was such a bad bunny rabbit. Isn't there any way I can make it up to you?" She slid onto his lap and straddled him.

Malfoy's eyes dropped down to stare at her cleavage and his arms snaked around her to fondle her sexy little bunny tail. "Oh, fuck it. Just close your eyes and kiss me," he ordered before crashing his lips to hers.

"Hey, what's going on here?" asked George, hopping over some time later.

"They've been going at it like rabbits ever since the hunt started," replied Regulus from the picture behind them. "I'm done wanking if you want to interrupt them."

"You mean, they haven't even been hunting for eggs?" George asked angrily.

"Unless they thought they were hidden in Hermione's skimpy costume or somewhere around Malfoy's crotch, I would have to say no," Regulus quipped.

"Those bloody bastards," George huffed. "Here I've been risking my life hunting for Horcruxes, and all I have to show for it is a lot of Doxy bites, some singed eyebrows, a cauliflower ear and a bunch of boring, white knickers."

"Those are Hermione's knickers. I saved a pair for myself. They're collector items, you know."

"Oh, well, I guess it was worth it then," said George, fondling the knickers he had hanging from one of his long ears. Then he turned his attention back to Hermione and Malfoy. "Oi! If you two are finished, there's an egg hunt that happens to be going on."

"We never get to finish," grumbled Malfoy, grudgingly pulling away from Hermione. "Why do you have a vegetable coming out of your head?" he asked, gaping at the giant head of cauliflower that George had in place of an ear.

"Because unlike you, I was out risking my life hunting for Horcruxes," George snapped.

"Did you find any?" Hermione asked eagerly.

"No," George admitted. "On the bright side, I found a load of your knickers."

Hermione glared at the knickers hanging from his bunny ear. "Where's Fred?" she asked suspiciously.

"Oh, he's a little tied up at the moment." George grinned. "We got attacked by an army of pastel-colored gnomes. Fred got captured. He's currently tied up spread eagle in a patch of Violent Violets. Classic."

"Shouldn't you go do something?" Hermione asked, sounding alarmed.

George shrugged. "I already got some pictures for the advert. Our Easter sales are going to skyrocket."

"I mean, shouldn't you go help him?" Hermione persisted.

"He's fine," said George, waving his hand dismissively.

Looking over George's shoulder, Hermione's eyes widened as she noticed Fred hobbling out from behind a tree with a couple gnomes still attached to his leg. Kicking them off, he headed angrily over toward George, holding a bright purple egg in his hand. "Hey George! I finally got it! Catch!" Fred shouted, launching the egg at his twin.

Reacting to slowly, George turned to get a face full of egg. He glared at his twin through the drippy egg goo.

Fred laughed. "I guess that was just a regular egg."

George tried to reply with a few well chosen curse words, but it came out more like, "Bwok, bwok, bwok, bwok!"

Fred laughed even harder at that. "It looks like you finally get to experience the fun of our Eggs-cellent Exploding Eggs."

"Bwok!"

"That's what you get for leaving me behind just so you could find your own Horcrux, you greedy bastard. I have to say, this whole laying eggs thing makes getting molested by those Easter gnomes totally worth it though. Did you find a Horcrux?"

"No. Fucking karma," George grumbled, scratching at the feathers poking out of his bunny costume. "On the bright side, I got some excellent pictures for the spring catalog."

"Let me see," said Fred, holding his hand out for the pictures. "Ooh, very tasteful."

"Oh, no!" wailed George, doubling over. "I think I'm having contractions. Scootch over, you two." He hobbled over to the bench with his hand on his lower back and started breathing Lamaze style. "He hoo, he hoo, he hoo!"

"What's wrong with George?" asked Ginny, waltzing up to them. Harry was limping behind her, trying not to get hit with the big hoop skirt she was now wearing."

Fred grinned. " I 'accidentally' got him pregnant," he said, using air quotes. "What's with the big ass skirt and your even bigger lips?"

"Damn blue bells," Ginny pouted, making her big lips look even more enormous. "And all for an egg filled with angry bees. I think I might be allergic."

Fred laughed. "I think you might be. And what's with him?" he asked, nodding at Harry, who was pretty beat up. His glasses were broken, his clothes were in tatters, and he was covered in soot.

Ginny giggled. "I lost the bottom half of my costume in the fire, and Harry kept getting distracted my my womanly charms. It's lucky I wandered into that patch of bluebells, or he might have died."

"Did either of you find any Horcruxes? Hermione questioned.

Ginny shook her head. "We found a lot of awful things in our eggs but no Horcruxes."

"Where's Ron?" asked Hermione.

Ginny shrugged."Harry and I managed to get him out of the web, but the spiders won't leave him alone. We finally had to ditch him. I don't think he had time to find any eggs."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Ron, running past them. "Get them off me! Get them off me!"

Fred pointed his wand in Ron's direction and suddenly one of the spiders grew to an enormous size.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ron even louder.

"You are a horrible brother," Hermione reprimanded.

"He really is," agreed George, starting to grunt. "I think it's coming!"

Everyone turned their attention to George and immediately regretted it.

"My eyes!" screamed Malfoy, quickly scrambling off the bench and dumping Hermione on the floor. "This is even worse than the last time."

"Merlin, George!" exclaimed Fred. "Why did you have to put that giant hole in your costume? No matter what you think, twins do not need to share everything. I did not need to see that."

"No one did," muttered Ginny, letting out a shudder.

"I had to," George claimed. "I can't have Whiz Bangs going off in my bunny suit. They could damage the family jewels. I might want to have real children someday. Hermione, I'm getting ready to pop. Can you deliver my egg babies?"

"Ew, gross! No!" replied Hermione, unable to tear her eyes away from the impending birth. Now she knew why Malfoy was being such a big wuss about it. This could definitely scar a person for life.

"I thought you wanted to be a Healer," said George crossly.

"Not anymore. Ask Malfoy. He has experience with this."

"Fuck no!" Malfoy exclaimed. "I'm not doing that again. At least you had a vagina. What are his even going to come out of?"

They all looked at Fred.

Fred made a face. "It's kind of a pain in the ass. Well, more like a big pain in the ass. You'll live. Here, you can lay them in this," he said, handing George Hermione's empty Easter Basket. "Hey! Why is your Easter Basket empty?"

"Oh, well...uh..." Hermione stammered.

"She was too busy..." began George before suddenly screwing up his face and grunting until an egg finally plopped out and fell in the basket. Sighing with relief, he continued, "She was too busy playing hide the carrot with Malfoy to look for any."

"I was not. I couldn't find the zipper on his bunny costume," she muttered.

Fred scowled at her. "Here we were out there busting our asses to find Horcruxes, poor George here is still busting his ass, and you and Malfoy were doing nothing?"

"We weren't doing nothing." Malfoy smirked.

"Besides," said Hermione, "It's not like you guys accomplished anything. None of you even found any Horcruxes."

"At least we tried," Harry scolded her. "Don't you even care about finding the Horcruxes anymore?"

"Of course, I care, Harry," said Hermione, feeling properly chastised. "But Malfoy said he has a plan."

"And you trust him?"

Hermione looked over at Malfoy, who was currently scowling at Harry, and smiled. "I do."

"Alright, Malfoy. Here's your chance to be the big hero," said Harry, looking at the Slytherin expectantly. "Don't fuck it up."

"Well, I suppose I could put you all out of your misery, if you ask nicely," Malfoy drawled, looking awfully pompous for a guy wearing a pink bunny suit.

"Forget it," Ginny huffed. "I think you're full of shit. We looked everywhere and couldn't find a single Horcrux."

"That's because you're a bunch of Gryffindors," said Malfoy as though it were a bad word. "This job requires a Slytherin." He smirked over at Regulus.

Regulus smirked back. "Okay, Malfoy. Let's see exactly what kind of Slytherin you are."

"Kreacher!" Malfoy called out.

Regulus's smirk disappeared.

Kreacher popped into the room and bowed stiffly to Malfoy. "Yes, Master Draco?"

Malfoy took the time to double down on his smirk to Regulus before addressing the house elf. "Bring me the Horcruxes." Looking over at Hermione, he added, "Please."

"No!" shouted Regulus. "Kreacher! I forbid you."

Kreacher looked over at Regulus and shrugged before popping out of the room. Everyone waited in silence until Kreacher finally returned holding a fussy, ribbon-strewn Easter basket containing three very naughty-looking Easter eggs – one decorated in black lace, one decorated in filmy pink chiffon and one decorated in a shiny Slytherin green satin.

"You actually used the knickers from my hidden drawer to hide Horcruxes!" exclaimed Hermione indignantly.

"I told you I couldn't use the boring, white ones," said Regulus.

"She probably got the Slytherin green ones when she found out she was babysitting Malfoy," muttered Fred sarcastically.

"Shut up, Fred," Hermione snapped, refusing to look at Malfoy and his stupid smirk.

Kreacher handed the basket to Malfoy, and then scowled at Hermione while making a point of wiping his hands on his tea towel.

"I died for could have at least let me keep the knickers, you ungrateful house-elf," grumbled Regulus.

Kreacher gave him a look of disgust and popped out of the room.

"It looks like a living family member has more clout than a dead one," Malfoy gloated to Regulus.

Regulus looked like he ate a sour lemon drop, but he only said, "Touché," and flicked his wand, returning the parlor back to normal.

"What I miss?" asked Ron, dragging himself to the sofa and plopping down next to George. When George grunted in reply, Ron glance over in time to see an egg drop into the Easter basket that George was holding between his legs. Making a gagging noise, he said, "Never mind. I don't want to know."

"Let this be a warning to you," said George solemnly. "This it what happens when you let your brother knock you up. Always use protection, kids."

"Malfoy found all of the Horcruxes," said Harry.

"Bloody hell," said Ron. "Guess he's getting laid tonight."

"Not necessarily," said Fred. "Remember Hermione said no to the whole sex slave thing."

"I'm not choosing Granger as my prize," said Malfoy.

"You're not!" gasped everyone including Hermione.

"No, I'm stealing Weasel's idea and going for the two for one special." Malfoy smirked evilly at the twins.

Ron snorted. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm almost starting to like the guy."

"Okay, now that we have the Horcruxes, how do we destroy them?" asked Harry, getting down to business.

"Well, I haven't read the whole book on Horcruxes yet," said Hermione, "but basilisk venom seems to be very effective. Luckily, you have experience fighting basilisks, Harry, so we just have to find–"

"What? No way!" exclaimed Harry. "I'm not fighting a basilisk again. Are you out of your mind?"

"It's not like you have to do it alone. I'll help," began Hermione.

"Forget it," said Harry. "You completely froze up last time."

"I was petrified," Hermione retorted.

"Exactly," replied Harry.

"Well, then what do you suggest we do?" snapped Hermione angrily.

"I know!" exclaimed Ron. "We could take your parents down to the Chamber of Secrets."

"Why would we want to do that?" asked Hermione, sounding annoyed.

"Well, since your parents are dentists, which your Dad explained to me in horrifying detail," said Ron, letting out a shudder, "they can just pull out all of the teeth of the basilisk Harry already killed."

"That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard," Hermione declared.

"What's wrong with it?" asked Ron, sounding offended.

"One, it involves my parents. And two, do you really think they left a dead monster lying around underneath the school?"

"Why not?" insisted Ron. "They left a living monster under the school."

"If you want to go on some wild goose chase with my parents, then go for it, but leave me out of it."

"But your dad doesn't like me," Ron protested. "Maybe Ginny should go. She knows the way."

"I can't go back there," said Ginny. "That was traumatizing."

"Oh, whatever," replied Ron dismissively. "Knowing you, you probably thought Tom Riddle was hot and went down there to snog him."

"I might have thought he was hot until he tried to murder me!" exclaimed Ginny angrily.

"As amusing as all of this is, you could just do an exorcism," said Regulus. "Any Wizard priest could do it."

"Ooh! How about the Wizard priest who did Bill and Fleur's wedding?" suggested Hermione.

"I don't think so," said Fred, shaking his head.

"After the wedding, he pretty much told us if he ever had the misfortune to meet us again, it would be in hell," added George.

"Well, we'll just have to find another one then," said Hermione determinedly. "How do you get in contact with a Wizard priest?"

"Through the Ministry," replied Ron glumly.

"We can't contact the Ministry," Harry said adamantly. "It's full of Voldemort's spies."

"What other choice do we have?" asked Hermione.

"Lucky for you, we happen to know two certified Wizard priests intimately," said Fred, exchanging a mischievous look with George.

"And even luckier for you, it just so happens we're available," added George, waggling his eyebrows at Hermione.

"What are you two going on about?" asked Hermione.

"We're Wizard priests," they said in unison.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Hermione in disbelief.

"No, we're serious," insisted Fred. "We got certified through this mail order Wizard priest school we found in an advertisement in the back of the Daily Prophet. Thought we could make a little extra money performing wedding ceremonies at the shop. We offered our marital services to Fleur, but she told us to sod off, so we gave her our joke services instead." He smiled in remembrance.

"See what it says in the book about exorcisms, Fred," said George.

"Oh, right," agreed Fred. "Accio Wizard Priest Handbook." A thin paperback book flew into his hands. "Hmmm. The warning says performing exorcisms could cause severe loss of hearing, dizziness or death."

"You should do it, Fred. You're the oldest," said George.

"Only by seven minutes," protested Fred. "We should do it together. If it is going to cause death, we may as well go out the same way we came into this world."

"Screaming and peeing?"

"No, I meant together. What would we do all alone? You'd be miserable without me."

"I think I could make a go of it," said George.

"We're doing it together," said Fred firmly.

"Oh, alright," agreed George. "If we should die, Ginny gets the joke shop. She's the only other one in the family with a sense of humor."

"Hey," said Ron.

"I'll set off Whiz Bangs every year on the anniversary of your deaths," said Ginny solemnly. "What's the date today?"

"Not so fast," said Fred, glaring at his sister. "We're not dead yet. And I wouldn't get your hopes up either. That mail order wizard priest school seemed pretty legit, so I doubt we're going anytime soon."

"I don't know," said Hermione hesitantly. "The whole mail order thing sounds a little sketchy to me. What happens if you do an exorcism, and you're not real priests?"

"They'll blow up," said Regulus with a shrug. "No real loss."

"Hmm," said Fred, rethinking things. "Maybe we should test out our priestly powers first. I don't really fancy getting myself blown up."

Me either," agreed George. "Wouldn't want to disappoint the ladies by erasing our awesomeness from the universe."

"So," said Fred, rubbing his hands together and looking around the group. "Who wants to get hitched?"

"You want to perform a marriage ceremony?" said Hermione in shock.

"How else do you expect us to test our powers?" asked George. "I may being laying a dozen egg babies at the moment, but it's not like we can baptize them."

"And there are no funerals to perform... yet," added Fred with a sly glance at Malfoy.

Malfoy scowled back at him.

"But how will we know it works?" asked Hermione.

"A record of it will show up at the Hall of Records," George explained.

"But then the Ministry will know," protested Harry.

"Don't worry about it," said Fred. "We've got a guy."

"You've got a guy?" echoed Hermione.

""Helps us with our licenses and patents and stuff. You know, the questionably legal stuff. He's very discreet," said George.

"Not to mention cheap," added Fred.

"You can't bribe a Ministry official! That's illegal!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Oh, stop being so stuffy," said George.

"How else are we supposed to get the more dangerous products approved?" asked Fred, rolling his eyes.

"So, you think this will work then?" asked Harry.

"Sure," George replied. "We'll just check with our guy to make sure that the marriage record shows up in the Hall of Records, and then we'll annul it. The record will disappear and no one will be the wiser. Easy Peasy."

"So, who's getting hitched?" Fred asked again, rubbing his hands together.

All eyes fell on Hermione.

Sighing, Hermione reluctantly said, "Fine, I'll do it."

"Who are you getting married to?" asked Malfoy jealously.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You, you idiot."

"What! No! You can't make me marry you," Malfoy protested.

Hermione smirked at him. "Want to bet?"