Disclaimer: George Lucas is the creator of Star Wars. Not I. "Maria" of the 1965 film The Sound of Music is the work of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II.
Warning 1: Thou shall not steal. Plagiarism is a dastardly deed. Thank you.
Warning 2: No beta reader. Apologies for everything wrong in this piece. The Temple's layout is probably inconsistent with canon. Please forgive any uncharacteristic actions and emotions. I have seen all six episodes, but I remain mostly ignorant of the Extended Universe and how some of the characters, particularly Master Windu, are portrayed in the novels. (I hold no ill will to any of the Masters featured here.)
Yes, this is a parody of "Maria" from The Sound of Music. No, wait! Please don't run away! I changed at least 90 percent of the words, so, hopefully, it's not too outlandish or redundant with the Star Wars characters. The rhyming scheme may deviate slightly from the one in "Maria." (Some words unintentionally rhyme.) For readers who are not TSOM fans, a video of the "Maria" musical number from the 1965 film can be seen on YouTube. Search with key terms "Maria" and "Sound of Music."
Words not in italics indicate singing ("word").
Timeline: Two or three years before Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Anakin?
By Jan J. (P.J.P.), Little Sister's Keepress
Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi stands still against the sunlight pouring through the expansive windows in the Jedi High Council's chamber. His face is impassive, yet, if one scrutinizes his eyes, specks of worry cavort in them. He crosses his arms across his chest but quickly unclasps them as Master Mace Windu approaches him. Other Jedi Masters, including Master Yoda, can be seen within close proximity of the two men.
"Good morning, Master Windu," Obi-Wan greets politely with composure.
"Obi-Wan, it is good to see you at this early hour," the Korun replies. His voice darkens in severity. "Especially since last night's exploits involving your Padawan."
"Erm . . .yes." Obi-Wan clears his throat but earnestly continues. "I have reprimanded Anakin for that, and he has promised me that it will not happen again. He apologized most profusely for his actions and did not complain about the extra meditation hours and chores that I assigned him."
Master Windu breathes deeply. "The boy has to learn. The Temple is not a playground for his whims!"
Obi-wan bows his head in repentance for Anakin. As he opens his mouth to reassure Master Windu about his charge's vow to be a better Jedi, a current of feeling—a melodious undertone that is quite intense in the Unifying Force—suddenly overwhelms him. The Knight peers into Master Windu's eyes and notices the same startled expression on the elder's face. The other Jedi Masters, with the exception of Master Yoda, appear to be unsettled by this current, too.
Master Windu hesitantly sings:
"He chooses mechanics over diplomatic tactics."
Master Adi Gallia chimes:
"His robe has an oil stain."
Master Even Piell sings:
"He zips about like a youngling."
Master Shaak Ti amusedly intones:
"And overtakes drivers in their lane."
Master Windu laments:
"And shadowing his calm,
He harbors great anger with pain."
Master Plo Koon belts out:
"I even heard him shouting in the Temple!"
Master Depa Billaba softly attests:
"He's late for meditation."
Obi-Wan firmly proclaims:
"But his remorse is sincere."
Master Gallia exasperatedly sings:
"He's always late for everything!"
With a touch of a smile, Master Saesee Tiin notes:
"Except for racing affairs."
Master Windu solemnly sings:
"I bear a heavy conscience,
But I must strongly declare,
Anakin's unfit to be a Jedi!"
At this, Obi-Wan clenches his fists even though he maintains a peaceful mien. He exhales and faces the Jedi High Council.
"I'd like to defend my apprentice."
"Speak, you may, Obi-Wan," Master Yoda grants.
The auburn-haired man sings with conviction:
"His potential's . . .endless!"
The Council falls silent as it ponders this point.
The Jedi High Council, minus Master Yoda, sings:
"How do you solve a problem like Anakin?
How do you guide a sun and tame its flare?
How do you find a term that means Anakin?"
Master Gallia blurts out:
"Devil-may-care!"
Master Windu concedes:
"A shatterpoint!"
Master Koon chants:
"A snare!"
The Jedi High Council persists in singing while looking imploringly at Master Yoda for guidance:
"Many a thing you know you strive to teach him,
Many a thing he should realize,
But how do you keep him still,
So your words mean more than nil?
How do you stop a Sith from telling lies?"
During this diatribe, Obi-Wan is gazing out the window at Coruscant's skyline. His lips are awkwardly pursed. At the word "Sith," his eyes widen slightly, and the Knight attempts to cut off the channels of sadness seeping into his mind as he recalls the final moments of his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
The Jedi High Council, minus Master Yoda, croons:
"Oh, how do you solve a problem like Anakin?
How do you soothe a boar-wolf's hollow cries?"
Obi-Wan paces in front of the assembly of Masters. If this were a different universe, one could almost picture him as a harried father who is anxiously waiting for news on his jailed son. However, this is Knight Kenobi, the epitome of collectedness. He pauses in pacing. What he is about to reveal grieves him, but Obi-Wan is not one for entertaining falsehoods.
He sings ruefully:
"When I'm with him, I'm deflected,
In a whirlwind yet protected,
And I can't imagine where I'll land."
Master Windu stresses:
"Erratic as a storm,
He's like fire without form."
Obi-Wan retaliates:
"He's a natural!"
Master Windu warns:
"He's a peril!"
Obi-Wan assures:
"He's a shaak!"
Master Ti interrupts:
"He'd stray from any plan."
Master Ki-Adi-Mundi muses:
"Force a Tusken from its clan."
Master Tiin concludes with flourish:
"He could vex a whizzing mynock out of whizz."
Obi-Wan defensively sings:
"He is devoted!"
Master Windu responds sharply:
"He is wild!"
Master Gallia reminds:
"He's a prophecy!"
Obi-Wan emphasizes:
"He's a child!"
Master Windu thunderously sings:
"He's a disgrace!"
Obi-Wan heatedly counters:
"He's a joy!"
Master Yoda taps his gimer stick as he sternly studies his fellow Masters and Obi-Wan:
"A boy, he is!"
The other Council members look abashed. Obi-Wan is mortified at his undignified outbursts in front of the present company. Inwardly, he scolds his conscience for not being a sturdier check against these ardent emotions. How will Anakin learn to rein his emotions if his Master cannot oversee his own? Obi-Wan runs a hand through his hair and closes his eyes in gratefulness that his Padawan is not here to witness this.
The Jedi High Council, unaccompanied by Master Yoda, harmonize:
"How do you solve a problem like Anakin?
How do you guide a sun and tame its flare?
How do you find a term that means Anakin?"
Master Oppo Rancisis bemoans:
"Devil-may-care!"
To Master Windu, Master Billaba murmurs:
"A shatterpoint?"
Master Coleman Trebor ruminates out loud:
"A snare."
The Jedi High Council vocalizes:
"Many a thing you know you strive to teach him,
Many a thing he should realize,
But how do you keep him still,
So your words mean more than nil?
How do you stop a Sith from telling lies?"
The Council halts abruptly as the heavy, desperate echo of footsteps penetrates through the chamber's walls. The Unifying Force's sonorous impulses become discordant. Obi-Wan automatically cradles a hand to his chest as panic—not of his own—cloaks his senses. This feels alarmingly reminiscent of last night's preclude to that unexpected aerial exhibition . . .
"Masters, I do apologize," Obi-Wan hurriedly yet respectfully utters, "but I must bid you a hasty adieu." His attention wavers on the exit.
Master Yoda raises a hand. "Excused, you are, Obi-Wan. Deny you this, we will not. Tend to someone, you must."
Without fully breaking out into a mad dash, the Jedi Knight manages to make his way into the adjacent hallway. The footsteps are louder now. He can just reach out and—
"Oomph!" gasps Obi-Wan.
A blond braid sways onto his chin as he steadies, by the shoulders, the person who has careened into him. Shocked blue eyes meet Obi-Wan's pair, and the grip on his waist loosens.
"I'm sorry, Master!" Anakin Skywalker exclaims with anguish. He steps back from the elder.
"Padawan," Obi-Wan gently scolds, "you must be heedful of your surroundings! Now, what in Coruscant is the matter?"
"I'm late for Galactic Government and Politics," Anakin woefully answers. "We have an exam today!"
"All right, my young one," sighs Obi-Wan, "but, just for the record, we are going to have a long chat this evening about the vitality of promptness and the demerits of inadvertently luring unsavory racers over the Temple."
"Yes, Master," Anakin distractedly complies.
Obi-Wan straightens out the younger's askew outer robe and pats his back. "Now, may the Force steer you through the exam."
"Thank you, Master," Anakin calls over his shoulder as he speeds off around the corner.
Obi-Wan shakes his head in fondness at his apprentice's unintentional antics. He turns to stroll in the opposite direction but pauses as a silver gleam catches his eye. It is Anakin's lightsaber. Somehow, in their clash, it has escaped the fastenings under the blond's outer robe. Obi-Wan bends down to grasp the hilt.
As he turns over the hilt in his hand, Obi-Wan sings wistfully:
"Oh, how do you solve a problem like Anakin?
How do you soothe a boar-wolf's hollow cries?"
He straightens up and gingerly tucks the lightsaber into his robe's folds. He walks away without looking back.
FIN