I got bored earlier today. So, I played my old copy of Radiata Stories. Soon after I stopped playing, I became bored again. Then, THIS happened. Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Radiata Stories, or any of its characters. I would also like to add that I DON'T own this format. I heard that it was first used by somebody named Theresa Green…but I checked her profile, and all I saw was that she had 'Retired from fan fiction', so I'm not entirely certain about it. The format was apparently for some Lord Of The Rings fics, and has since been used by…well, I'm not quite certain, but I think there's been a lot of people that have done something along these lines. Long story short, please don't credit me for the format used here.
DARK ELF MIKEY: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the owner of a brand-new MIKEY unit. To get the most use out of your unit, please carefully read the following instructions.
Basic Information
Name: Mikey
Date of Manufacture: Uncertain
Place of Manufacture: Square Enix Inc.; Tri-Ace Branch
Height: Average
Weight: Light
Your MIKEY unit comes with the following accessories:
1 Green Leaf Shirt with Yellow Sleeves (Not actually made of leaves)
1 Purple Leaf Shirt with Yellow Sleeves
2 Pairs Green-and-Brown Striped Pants
1 Pair Brown Boots
1 Denim Hat (w/ leafy decoration on top)
NOTE: More clothing can be bought if necessary. Though your MIKEY unit does not care about brands, it is not too interested in wearing clothing too different from its original attire.
1 Book on Radiata's History
3 Herb Extracts
Opening Your MIKEY Unit:
Most MIKEY units are passive at first, and are easy to open manually. If there is any difficulty, place the Radiata History Book in front of the unit, and make yourself a snack. By the time you have finished, the MIKEY unit will have already started to read the book.
Programming:
Your MIKEY unit is programmed to perform any of the following functions:
Scholar: Your MIKEY unit has a large amount of curiosity towards the world around him, and will find joy in learning about various pieces of information. If left in this function long enough, this unit is highly likely to become more intelligent than its user.
Dark Mage: Though MIKEY units are not designed for combat, they have some battle skills should they be challenged by a strong foe that refuses to do any other function but battle. Your MIKEY unit has two spells, Fireball and Lightning Bolt, with which he can survive most combat experiences.
Brewer: All DARK ELF units, MIKEY included, come with the skills needed to create Elven Wine. Once provided with adequate ingredients and materials, your MIKEY unit will be able to not only brew Elven Wine, but also sell it in order to raise cash. As a bonus, this takes your MIKEY unit's mind off of books, a great help if he has already read every novel you own.
Best Friend: After being provided with enough stories, your MIKEY unit will start to grow fond of you. If you seek mere friendship, your unit will protect you from danger, share his knowledge with you, and gladly play games with you, as long as he is not busy either reading a book or brewing Elven Wine.
Boyfriend: Should you seek a deeper attraction with your unit, not only will he perform all the action he would as a Best Friend, but he will also share romantic stories, and will almost always drop his previous duties immediately to spend time with you. Your MIKEY unit can also achieve Best Friend status with some other units, though he will never become a Boyfriend with any of them.
Modes:
Your MIKEY unit comes programmed with the following modes:
Curious (default)
Passive
Depressed
Brave (locked)
Junkie (locked)
The default Curious mode is different from Passive mode, no matter how similar the two seem. In Curious mode, MIKEY units will instinctively try to learn more about anything they are unfamiliar with. In Passive mode, they will not investigate anything interesting unless given permission. In either of these modes, MIKEY will have the need to read all of the books you currently own, and will ask you to buy new novels after he has finished.
In Depressed mode, your MIKEY unit will feel sad about forces that are not only miserable, but beyond anyone's control. This mode is usually activated upon seeing a terminally ill patient in a hospital, or learning about how the world's environment has declined due to factors like pollution, but it may sometimes activate on its own. Your MIKEY unit will return to Curious mode after being comforted by you, and then told a story with a happy ending.
Brave mode can only be unlocked if your MIKEY unit has activated either the Best Friend or Boyfriend programs. In this mode, should you be in a perilous situation, your MIKEY unit will instinctively come to your aid and protect you from harm, even if it puts himself in great risk. Your MIKEY unit will not change modes from this until either the current threat is no more, or if personally ordered by you to fall back. Should your MIKEY unit take great damage in this mode, or during any other situation in which a fight is unavoidable, you can easily heal him using one of the included Herb Extracts (more, if needed, are sold separately).
Junkie mode can only be unlocked if your MIKEY unit is denied books for a long enough period of time. If left to his own devices, your unit will eventually find a computer, with which he can access the Internet. After discovering that he can retrieve as much information as he wants, whenever he wants to, your MIKEY unit will not want to return to reading books any time soon. Though this mode will save you money, as you will no longer have to go shopping for stories, it is highly doubtful that you will be able to access your computer at any point after your MIKEY unit has learned how to access it.
Relationships With Other Units
JACK: Though overeager to be as great as a CAIRN unit and to solve the world's problems, the JACK unit will certainly intrigue your MIKEY unit's interest in a positive way. Prolonged exposure will cause your MIKEY unit to establish a Best Friend bond with it.
CHATT: A friend and mentor to your MIKEY unit, the two have a very close relationship. Once the two are put together, they instantly establish a Best Friend bond between each other. Though it is a troublemaker, enough time with your MIKEY unit will allow the CHATT unit to teach how to create better Elven Wine, which can be sold for even more cash than usual, which is helpful if you are in need of money to buy new books with.
CLARENCE: This is the MIKEY unit's leader. Any request asked by the CLARENCE unit will be become top priority on your MIKEY unit's task list, even if Boyfriend status has been reached.
GANZ: Considered a complete buffoon by your MIKEY unit until achieving Best Friend status. Afterwards, any GANZ unit will be appreciated for the brave leader and good friend that it is.
RIDLEY: Though respected because of the bonds the RIDLEY units have formed with other non-human units, your MIKEY unit will not want to establish a close connection with it.
GENIUS: The human equal to your MIKEY unit, as far as intelligence goes. By allowing a GENIUS unit and a MIKEY unit to converse for some time, they will both gain invaluable knowledge about each other's species that would not have been learned otherwise.
NON-HUMAN UNITS: Unless they rank high in non-human society, such as a LORD ZANE unit, or are a Dark Elf, your MIKEY unit will not be interested in them at all.
DARK ELF UNITS: Unless the DARK ELF unit is either a CLARENCE or a CHATT, your MIKEY unit will treat them as equals, and feel the need to help them with their current job(s) unless instructed not to interfere.
HUMAN UNITS: Although your MIKEY unit will want to learn more about humans, with the exception of those listed above, humans will have a natural distaste towards non-humans.
Cleaning:
Your MIKEY unit is fully capable of cleaning itself, but usually does not want to, as baths and/or showers take up time in which it could be reading, or making Elven Wine. This problem can usually be fixed by promising to read him a story while he bathes/showers. If he has reached Boyfriend status, he will not mind if you want to bathe/take a shower with him, as long as you are still in a capable position to tell him a story while doing so.
Warning: MIKEY units and its manufacturers are not responsible for any marital disputes caused by bathing a MIKEY unit.
Feeding and Rest:
MIKEY units are prone to eating vegetarian meals, due to their connection to the environment, but will gladly eat meat as well. If given a cookbook at some point in time, your MIKEY unit can learn how to create meals for both you and itself. When it is time to rest, your MIKEY unit should be read a bedtime story before he goes to sleep, even if it is one he has already heard.
Disposal
Should you ever tire of your MIKEY unit reading all of your books, fiddling around with items it is curious about, or staying on the Internet all night long (if it is in Junkie mode), either return it to the original manufacturers, or donate him to your local library.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My MIKEY unit keeps talking about stuff like acceleration, stratus clouds, and pollination. How the heck do I get him to stop?!
A: Your MIKEY unit has likely read a book about science recently, and wants to share its knowledge with you. Merely refuse its offer, and give him a different book to read.
Q: It seems that my MIKEY unit has been making better Elven Wine ever since the last time it made contact with a CHATT unit. Is this normal? And what should I do with all this wine?
A: It is perfectly normal. Given enough time, a CHATT unit will indeed teach your MIKEY unit how to make better Elven Wine than usual. Feel free to drink the wine, or to sell it.
Q: My MIKEY unit won't get off of my computer! How do I stop him?
A: Because you haven't been giving it any new books, your MIKEY unit has found out how to access the Internet, and is in Junkie mode. Either reset its data, or lock it in a room filled with books, in which he will have no choice but to return to Curious mode.
Q: My friend's GENIUS unit was interested in my MIKEY unit, but his LEONA unit wasn't. Why is that?
A: Instinctively, the majority of human units feel natural distaste towards non-human units.
Q: How come my MIKEY unit doesn't respect RIDLEY units as much as other non-human units?
A: Your MIKEY probably knows that, if the RIDLEY units had not been transfused with data from random light elves, they would be on opposing sides of the human/non-human feud.
Q: How come my MIKEY unit doesn't have an OOC mode?
A: Due to a lack of natural partners, all MIKEY units are bisexual from the start.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your MIKEY unit is Depressed, and the recommended actions to return it to Curious mode are not working.
Solution: Your MIKEY unit has likely witnessed the death of an important non-human unit, such as a LORD ZANE. Try to have other non-human units, especially CLARENCE and CHATT, attempt to cheer it up. If all else fails, reset its data.
Problem: Your MIKEY unit, in an attempt to defend itself and/or you, accidentally hit an innocent person with a Fireball and/or a Lightning Bolt.
Solution: First, check to make sure that the person is still alive. If so, immediately call a hospital, and have the person rushed to safety. If not, contact the police and turn yourself in, making sure to include the fact that killing the assailant was merely an act of self-defense. In the long run, it is much easier to confess than it is to leave the country with fake passports.
Final Note
With proper guidance and care, your MIKEY unit should live for many years, during which he will learn many skills that can drastically improve your life if put to good use. Thank you for purchasing this fine product, and please look into our other RADIATA STORIES units.