The characters appearing in this story are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.

Forever and an Ed, Part Three

"How are things with Plank and Lamp, Eddy?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Aren't they an item?"

"Double-D, I'm going to say this once and for all. One is a lamp and the other is a board. They are not alive. They do not have feelings. They do not have personalities. They are objects. Love between two objects does not happen. I, for one, am tired of this little fantasy."

"So, Plank was in your room again?"

"IT'S OVER! GIVE IT A REST, ALREADY!"

Edd dusted himself off after falling out of the swing. "Really, Eddy. There's no reason to raise your voice. I merely asked a question."

"PLAAAANK!" Jonny crossed the corner past Kevin's house with tears in his eyes. "PLAAANK!"

"What's with him?"

"Obviously, Plank's gone missing again."

"Jonny probably misplaced him."

"He looks awfully upset. Aren't you the least bit concerned?"

"If he ain't in my room, he ain't my problem."

Edd got off the swing. "Oh, that's really sensitive, Eddy."

"Pbthththt. Sue me."

Ed walked over to Jonny to see if he could help. "Jonny, what's wrong?"

"Double-D!" Jonny fell into a full-blown crying fit. "Plank ran away!"

Edd looked at Eddy out of the corner of his eye. Eddy crossed his arms and shook his head. Edd turned back to Jonny. "Are you sure you didn't just forget him, someplace?"

"Of course not! I'd never do that! We're best buddies!"

Edd tried to comfort him. "I don't think he'd run away from his best friend, Jonny."

"HE DID! OH, HE DID! HE'S GONE FOREVER!"

"Good riddance!" Eddy sniped.

Jonny buried his face in Edd's shirt and wailed. Edd shot Eddy a nasty look.

"But Jonny? How do you know he ran away?"

Jonny sniffled hard and produced a folded piece of paper from his pocket. "He left this note!"

Edd unfolded the note and wrinkled his brow. The paper was blank. "I'm afraid I can't read Plank's handwriting. Can you read it to me?"

Eddy sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I'm warning you, Eddy."

"Yeah right, like you're a big threat."

"I mean it. Don't make me angry."

"Ohhh, I'm scared. What are you gonna' do? Leave me a sticky note?" Eddy rocked back on his heels and laughed.

Kevin grabbed Eddy from behind, whirled him to the ground and pinned him. "You just can't leave little kids alone! Can you?"

"No, wait Kev! It's not like that!"

"Oh, really? Here's what I see: You're laughing and Jonny is crying." Kevin cocked his arm to throw a punch.

"But, Kev! Buddy! Pal! Really! It's not what you think!"

Edd cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, I don't know, Eddy."

"DOUBLE-D!!"

"Guys! Stop! We've gotta' find Plank!"

"Where is he, Dorky?"

"Heh-heh, really! I don't know! Read the note, Jonny! Read it! Quick!"

Jonny wiped his eyes and tried to compose himself. "It says he and Lamp are in love and that Eddy is mean."

Kevin's look grew more menacing.

Sniffle. "He says Eddy is mean and won't let them be together." Sniffle. "He says if Eddy thinks their love is wrong, they will go where their love is right! They eloped!" Tears welled-up again. "HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE!" Jonny fell into another hearty wail. "OH, PLAAANK!"

"There now." Eddy tried reasoning with Kevin. "See how silly this is?"

"Yep." Kevin hauled-off and decked him.

"AAUGH! What was THAT for?!"

"For being a dork."

-

Edd, Eddy, Jonny and Kevin combed the cul-de-sac for Plank and Lamp. They were nowhere to be found. Jonny became even more distraught as the day wore on. Kevin enlisted Nazz and then Sarah and Jimmy into the search. All tried to think of places a piece of wood and a lava lamp might go.

On their third sweep of the street, they saw Ed leaving Rolf's property with something under his jacket. "Put the chickens back, Ed."

"But I love chickens, Double-D!"

"Yes, we know. Put the chickens back."

"We haven't checked with Rolf," Eddy cut in. "Maybe he knows something."

"Good call, Dorky. I guess I should knock sense into you more often."

Jimmy and Sarah giggled.

-

The kids followed Kevin up to Rolf's doorstep and he knocked on the door. Rolf answered in his country's fully formal traditional dress, which quite literally looked like a dress. This challenged everyone's self control to keep from laughing. "Ah, yes. Good. I am glad you have come."

"What's goin' on, Rolf?"

"A very serious situation, Kevin-boy. Far worse than the souring of my Nana's stewed turnips."

"Okay."

"Sorry to bother you, Stretch." Eddy stepped up. "We wanted to ask if you've seen Plank or my lava lamp."

"Precisely the situation to which I am referring."

"Huh?"

"Plank and Lamp have sought sanctuary with Rolf. It is my country's tradition that I honor and defend their wishes until warring parties make their beets candied again."

"Uh, what?"

"He means you guys have to work out your beefs before he'll release Plank and Lamp."

"I have to negotiate with a stinkin' piece of wood? What a bunch of garbage! Gimme my lamp so I can go home!"

"This is my country's tradition, Three-Haired Ed-Boy."

"Yeah, well you're in this country, now. Gimme my lamp!"

"You are as stubborn as a sow in a vegetable patch. Happily, so am I."

"Heh-heh-haha! Good one, Rolf! He looks like one, too!"

"Shut up, Kev."

Jonny stepped forward and wiped a tear from his eye. "Rolf?"

"Yes?"

"Can I at least see Plank?"

"I fear you cannot, Foot-in-Sandal Jon-Boy. No cucumbers can pickle away from the Table of Negotiation."

"Table of Negotiation? That's almost cute, Rolf. Gimme my lamp!"

"That is as likely as my Nano uncurling his back hair."

Eddy fumed. "Alright, fine! Keep the stupid lamp. I'm going home."

"Ahem." Kevin stepped in front of Eddy. "You only THINK you're going home."

"Take it up with Rolf! He just said he has Plank!"

"Forget it, Dork. Either you do what Rolf says or I pound you again."

"Okay-okay!" Eddy threw up his arms in exasperation.

Rolf gestured for people to come inside. "Please enter. The table awaits."

-

Jimmy decided Rolf's house was too scary to enter, so he and Sarah opted out. To keep Eddy in line, Kevin entered, as did Edd, Ed, Jonny and Nazz.

From the foyer, the kids could see that Rolf moved all of the furniture out of the den and placed a chess board in the center, surrounded by cushions. On top of the chessboard sat the Great Nano Urn and two candles. Nazz moved toward the cushions but Rolf stopped her. "No-no, Trendy-Nazz-girl. You must don the Sacred Fleece of Gasburda before you can enter this hallowed place. Please, everyone."

From an old steamer trunk, Rolf produced folded parcels of lamb's fleece and passed them among the kids. Each parcel was different for each one. Nazz's parcel turned out to be a belt, while Kevin's resembled an armored breastplate. Ed's was a pair of trousers, and Edd's looked like an ambassador's cap. Jonny's looked like a vest. The kids dressed and looked at Eddy. He wore no fleece, but a very sour face. "There is no way I'm putting this on."

"But Eddy, you have to," Edd pleaded. "We're in Rolf's house. We must respect his traditions."

"Forget it, this is stupid!"

"Quit stalling and put it on." Kevin cuffed him.

"No way!"

"You have rubbed Rolf's rhubarb enough, Short-in-Stature Ed-boy," Rolf hissed. "Do not try Rolf any further."

"Not in a million years, Rolfie-Boy. I ain't puttin' it on."

"Please Eddy," Edd bleated. "Jonny's miserable."

"No."

Kevin bristled his bicep. "Put the fleece on, Dorky."

"No."

"If you think finding Plank in your room was bad, wait till I get through with it."

"Whaddya' mean?"

"Get a move on, already!"

"Alright-alright! Whatta' bunch of nags!" Eddy ducked behind a corner and pulled on his fleece. "Okay. It's on." He looked at himself and poked his head around the corner. "Hey Rolf? Are you sure this is required?"

"It is as necessary as my Nana's daily girdle-cinching."

"Uh, right. Can't I just keep it in my lap, or something?"

"Hurry up!" Kevin snapped.

"Okay. But nobody dare laugh."

Eddy paused once more before revealing himself to an explosion of laughter. Eddy's fleece resembled a baby bib and footed pajamas with duckies embroidered on them. "Sacred my foot," he growled.

-

Once everyone's laughter was under control, Rolf led them into the den. He refused to let them sit. "You must be cleansed before joining the Great Nano Urn. Come. We now consume the Cheese of the Ember of Bredthiu."

Past knowledge of Rolf's culinary persuasions left everyone eyeing his tray and pats of cheese with more than a little foreboding. Jonny cautiously selected a pat and examined it before popping it into his mouth. A smile crossed his face after a moment. "It tastes like brie." Reassured, the other kids ate the cheese. Shortly thereafter, Kevin looked as if he'd eaten a strong pepper. Black smoke poured from Eddy's nose and mouth. "AAAAAUGHH! I'M ON FIRE!" Everyone dove out of the way as flames erupted from his mouth. "WATER! I NEED WATER!"

"Water will not help you." Rolf held the candles from the chessboard under Eddy's mouth. "Blow, please."

Eddy pursed his lips and blew a six-foot jet of fire which Rolf used to light the candles. "Cool," Ed marveled. Nothing happened when he tried it. Kevin tried it, too, but only blew a little puff of steam.

"How come he has flame-thrower breath and we don't?"

"The cheese burns impurities from the soul. Stale-Bread Ed-Boy has the most impurities to feed the fire."

Kevin laughed at Eddy's predicament. When Eddy tried to retaliate with another jet of flames, he only emitted puffs of smoke. Kevin laughed some more.

"Oh yeah? I don't see you completely burn-free, Kev!"

"Big deal. So, I think about stuff. I'll bet there isn't one person in this room who doesn't."

"What stuff?" Jonny looked at him inquisitively.

"Uh," Kevin nervously poked a finger under his cap and scratched his head. Everyone's eyes were on him. "Why's everybody looking at me?"

Eddy chuckled. "Pervert."

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, DORK-TORCH!" Kevin made a grab for Eddy, but Rolf jumped between them. "Enough of this! It is time to join the Great Nano Urn!"

Once everyone arranged themselves around the chessboard, Rolf raised his hands and glided them across the top of the urn. "We must summon my ancestors to assist us in our quest for resolution. My Great Nano is listening, Jonny. Seek his guidance."

Jonny gingerly reached out placed his hand on the urn.

"Yes. That's it," Rolf urged. Eddy rolled his eyes.

"Great Nano. My name is Jonny. Please grant me the wisdom of the elm and the patience of the oak to help me through this difficult time."

"Very good. Now for Flat-in-the-Head Ed-Boy."

Eddy grimaced and looked around. He would've refused except that Kevin and Rolf were too close for a smooth escape. He placed his hand on the urn and feigned reverence:

"Hail, O' Great Spirit of the snow globe with the plastic sheep in it. May your water forever swirl with the soot it contains. My request, O' Great Nano, is for Gates' money, Sinatra's voice, Crosby's charm and Travolta's moves."

"And potato chips," Ed interjected.

"And some potato chips for Ed. Onion rings, Double-D?"

Just then, a bolt of lightening shot from the light fixture above their heads and nailed Eddy.

"... aNd gOoDNeSss aND pAYshUnce ANd ClAritYnEss."

Kevin laughed as Eddy weaved and slumped backwards, stunned.

-

When the lights came back on, Plank and Lamp sat on cushion at one end of the chessboard. "PLANK!" Jonny dove for Plank and nuzzled him.

"RELEASE HIM, JONNY WOOD-BOY!"

"Oh. I-I'm sorry." Jonny withdrew to his cushion with a tear in his eye.

"Negotiations are not over, Jonny. Plank and Lamp must speak their troubles before negotiations may begin," Rolf directed. "Restrain yourself."

"Plank says he would like to go first," Jonny reported.

"Yes, good. Continue."

"Plank says he is sorry he and Lamp ran away."

"Great! We're resolved!" Eddy jumped to his feet. "I'll be taking my lamp home, now."

"SILENCE!" Rolf's eyes flashed angrily. "I warned you, once, Greasy Ed-Boy. Do not sour my herring with your pickled turnips!"

"Aww c'mon, Rolf. This is stupid."

"Eddy, please," Edd reasoned. "I'm as eager to end this as you are, but we must follow the rules."

"Take a seat," Kevin growled.

"Continue," Rolf urged Plank.

"Plank says that the love he shares with Lamp is genuine, but Eddy and... Who? Me?" Jonny looked at Plank uncomprehendingly for a moment. "Um, Eddy and I keep tearing Plank and Lamp apart." Jonny paused again. "Plank says that a lamp and a board can feel love just as I could feel love for Sar..." Jonny's face turned sheepish. "Uh, I mean, as I could feel love for a girl."

"Jonny likes Sarah?" Nazz was stunned.

"No WAAAY!!" Eddy roared with laughter.

Jonny soured.

Kevin chuckled. "Different strokes. Huh, Rolf?"

"My cucumbers wilt for the future."

Ed threw his arms around Jonny. "Jonny's a good husband for Sarah!"

"HAHAHAHA! You hear that Double-D?! You're in the clear! HAHAHA!"

Jonny fought to get Ed to let go of him. "Can we get back to the subject, please?"

-

To Jonny's relief, everyone finally did stop laughing, but a took a few minutes. "Jonny Wood-Boy, is Plank finished?"

"Plank says it's Lamp's turn."

"Continue."

The kids all turned their eyes to Eddy. "What?"

"You must tell us what Lamp says, Small-and-Round Ed-Boy."

"Are you nuts? It's a lamp! It can't talk!"

"She can too talk! Plank says she can!"

"Jonny, look," Eddy paused to compose his thoughts. "I don't know why you're so hung up on a piece of wood, but you have to realize that this is all IMAGINARY. Give it a rest."

"Plank's not imaginary. He's sitting right there."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Dorky's holding up the show, again."

"You're being awfully gullible for someone your age, Kev."

"Yeah, well I've got a knuckle sandwich that says otherwise. Tell us what Lamp says."

"IT IS A LAMP. IT DOES NOT TALK."

"She does, too. You just have to listen."

"Fine. If you're so good at it, you tell us what she says."

"I can't."

"Why not?!"

"She's your lamp."

"This is unbelievably stupid. C'mon guys."

"Eddy," Edd pleaded. "Do what Jonny says."

"Sure. Why not? Let's break out the tea set and get Sarah and Jimmy's dolls over here, too."

"Enough of this," Rolf broke in. "The hour grows late and my patience grows thin like Nana's head of hair! Speak for the lamp!"

"Okay, fine." Eddy cocked his ear toward Lamp. "What's that lamp? Lamp says," he pushed his voice into his best falsetto. "Hi. I'm Lamp. It's been fun, but Jonny's insane and I really miss Eddy's room. I'd like to go home, now."

"QUIT FOOLING AROUND," Kevin snapped.

"Well, you heard the lady. I'll just take my lamp and go." Eddy reached for Lamp. As he did, the lights flickered and the fixture above them blazed for another lightening strike.

"AAAAUGH!! Help me, guys!" Eddy cowered under his cushion.

"Tell us what Lamp says."

"I don't know what Lamp says, okay?! I never heard anything come out of her in my life!"

Jonny raised his hand serenely. "Eddy."

Eddy still cowered under his cushion.

"Eddy, I can help you."

The light fixture above them returned to a semi-normal state.

"Why didn't you say so?"

"Because you weren't listening."

"So, help me."

"Do you know how Plank speaks to me?"

"I have no idea," Eddy cautiously came out from under his cushion.

"He uses a little whisper. You can hear him if you try."

"I don't hear anything."

"Clear your mind."

-

The kids sat silently until Ed broke out laughing. "HA-HA! Plank's funny!"

Jonny grinned. "Try it, Eddy."

Ed burst into another round of chuckling. Edd and Nazz started giggling, too.

"What?"

"You got that right!" Kevin joined in the laughter.

"Would somebody please tell me what's going on?!"

"Yes! Like my Nana's pantaloons! Hahahaha!"

"WHAT?!"

"Try it, Eddy" Nazz giggled. "Plank's a riot!"

Eddy crossed his arms and grumbled while everyone else boiled with laughter. He kept hearing something faint, but he figured it was his imagination and he didn't pay much attention to it. It kept up, however, and it seemed to trigger more laughter. "That can't be it," Eddy thought. He tried tuning it in.

"-- so short, he pole vaults with a toothpick!"

"What the..?"

"Eddy's so short, he has to get a ladder to pick up a dime!"

"Eddy's so short, he has to look up to look down!"

Laughter swelled again.

"You think Jonny's head is big? Eddy's head's so big, you can see his thoughts on radar!

That's just his head! His mouth is so big, he speaks in surround sound!

His mouth's so big, he uses Chap Stick SPRAY!

His mouth's so big, his toothpaste is Col-Fence!

He's ugly, too! Eddy's so ugly, for Halloween, he has to trick-or-treat over the phone!

Eddy's so ugly, he makes Right Guard turn left!"

Eddy's so ugly, when he takes a bath, the water jumps out!"

"Now, just a rotten minute!"

"And don't get me started on his fat! Eddy's so fat, his baby pictures are arial views!

Eddy's so fat, when he goes to the beach, he blocks everybody's sun!

Eddy's so fat, he's got more rolls than a Royce!

Eddy's so fat, his belly button has an echo!

Eddy's so fat, Mount Everest wants to climb HIM! "

"I ought to put you through a wood-chipper, you little..!"

"He's dumb, too, man! Eddy's so dumb, he puts lipstick on his head to make up his mind!

Eddy's so dumb, when he trips, he falls UP! "

Eddy's so dumb, he tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!

Eddy's so dumb, if you put your head up to him, you hear the ocean!

Eddy's so dumb, he tried drugs and got Hooked on Phonics!"

"WATCH IT TERMITE BAIT!"

"Eddy! You did it!"

"Huh?"

"You heard Plank!"

"Hey, I did, didn't I?"

"Now you can tell us what Lamp says!"

"Okay, but Plank'd better watch his mouth from now on."

"Just like Eddy needs to watch his weight."

"HEY!"

The kids laughed some more.

When things calmed back down, Eddy could hear another whispery voice giggle along with Plank. He figured it must be Lamp. "Uh, so Lamp? What do you have to say" He still felt silly for talking to a lamp.

"First, I'd like to say that you need to sleep on your stomach more often. Your snoring is enough to split sheetrock."

"Uh, Lamp says I need to sleep on my stomach."

"I also need to say something about your nocturnal activities. You spend waaaay too much time..."

"Lamp also says that I... Hoo boy." Eddy flushed beet red with embarrassment. Beads of sweat formed on his brow. "Can we, uh, get to reason we're here, please?"

Kevin folded his arms and shot Eddy a knowing sneer. "Really, Eddy."

"Get your mind out of the gutter! She's talking about comic books!"

"Suuuure she is."

"Shut up, Kev."

"I'm here for the same reasons Plank is. We're in love. You need to respect that."

"What are you talking about? I respected it! I let you date, didn't I?"

"All you cared about was how to turn our feelings into money. When that didn't work, you threw Plank out. Don't deny it."

"But I didn't know you two were possible."

"Neither did your brother, but at least Artie left me alone. He didn't mind if I had visitors and he certainly didn't try to take money from them."

"Look, I'm SORRY, okay? Is that what you want?"

"No."

"What, then?!"

"I want you to leave Plank and I alone."

"Done. Is that all?"

"You could stand to unplug me once in a while. Do know how hard it is to stay lit 24/7?"

"Okay. Are we finished?"

"One more thing."

"What?"

"Do you think we could join the 21st century? Maybe get a CD player? If you're going to spin Tom Jones all day at least give me digital sound."

"Uh, right. I'll take that under advisement. Can we go home?"

"I need a minute with Plank."

-

Eddy looked at everyone's faces once he finished speaking with Lamp. Thankfully, no one laughed, but self-consciousness crept back up his spine. He wondered how much of Lamp's words people heard. The discovery that his room wasn't as private as he thought really embarrassed him.

"An agreement has been reached," Rolf announced cheerily. "We must thank my ancestors for bringing such fast resolution."

"No more fire cheese, I hope?"

"No, Round-Chin Ed-Boy. We must please them with the Dance of the Hairless Otter and the Bountiful Eel."

"Okeeee," Eddy sighed. "I take it I can't sit this one out."

"Do not even ask, Egg-Faced Ed-Boy."

-

The 'dance' was a chaotic, leaping, spinning collection of disjointed flailings which ended with everyone dizzily collapsed on the floor. "Ahhh, tears of impurity form from the dance," Rolf panted and wiped his brow. "My ancestors will be pleased."

"Man, I haven't sweat this much since Chez la Sweat."

"And we're still repairing the house, huh Plank?"

"You should make an aerobics tape, Rolf. What a work out!"

"It'll take me weeks to sanitize these clothes," Edd mumbled.

Eddy caught himself downwind from Ed. "This hasn't done your B.O. any favors, Lumpy."

"SNACK!"

-

Once everyone picked themselves off the floor, they removed their fleece before filing out the door. Other than Rolf, no one realized how much time passed during the negotiations. It was already dark outside.

Eddy returned home with Lamp and placed her back on his nightstand. He almost plugged her back in, but remembered what Lamp told him about running all the time. "Man, what a loooong day." He started to remove his clothes, but stopped when he remembered he wasn't completely alone. Sheepishly, he slipped into his closet to finish undressing.

A shower was especially welcome after dealing with Rolf's ancestors, and Eddy wasted no time en-route to the bathroom. He froze when he got there, however. A creeping suspicion nagged at him. He looked closely at each of the bathroom fixtures and listened for any faint noises. "If anything in here can talk, I DO NOT want to know." He waited a little longer for anything out of the ordinary before stepping into the shower, but came right back out again. He then closed the toilet lid and covered it with a towel just in case.

END of story.