Kleptomaniac

Disclaimer : I do not own Naruto. Kishimoto owns Naruto. I own zip.

"Normal Speech"
"Thoughts"
'sound'
"Crazy mad psycho"
"Code"
"jutsu"

Konohagakure no Sato.

Often lovingly referred to as "That blasted place!" by foreign shinobi and kunoichis alike, it was a village both loved, feared and hated. More commonly known as the Hidden Leaf, Konoha had a populace of several hundred ninjas, and ten times more civilians. That changed with the coming of the Demon Lord.

The strongest of the tailed beasts, Kyuubi, went on a rampage against the full force of Konoha. In the process, it wiped out half of the ninja population and one quarter of the civilian population. More would have been lost, had it not been for the heroic efforts of the Fourth Hokage, leader of the ninjas.

With a single-minded determination to defend his home, the Fourth summoned an entity even the fox feared. The Shinigami. With a swipe of its scythe, it cleaved the essence of the fox from its life source, and prepared to engulf the soul of the once-mighty fox.

In return, it would demand the soul of him who had dared to disturb it. The two souls, locked in battle in life, would rage an endless battle for all eternity within the figurative belly of the deathgod. The will of the summoner would help restrain the will of the nemesis.

However, this did not apply to the demon fox.

In his wisdom, the Fourth had expected as much. Mortal creatures rarely could muster the will to match that of the extraplanar, whose wills were so powerful that they could manifest themselves upon the spiritual plane, bring the life force of others under their dominion, and carve a spiritual form for themselves from nothingness.

With a reluctant heart, the Fourth was forced to seal half of the fox into a baby unlike any other.

You see, said baby was his.

For his village, he did the unthinkable. He had hoped that in return, the village would offer his child what it had offered him.

A home. A sanctuary. A sense of belonging.

Those were the things most Konoha ninjas knew their village could offer them.

Despite being one of the greatest village, Konoha had an unique interpretation of the Rules of the Shinobi set down by the first Shinobi hundreds of years ago. Konoha's ninjas had a firm emphasis on teamwork.

That emphasis also burned strongly within the civilian population, as the closely-knit community had survived many great disasters.

Unbreakable bonds forged in the storms of adversity, members of the Leaf are bound by their common place of birth, regardless of age or occupation.

In spite of countless betrayal, in spite of a bloodied past few remember, even in spite of being in a world of glorified cut-throats and murderers, they extended their trust to all who would belong among them.

Pity.

They really should have been more wary of those within.

A short blond midget weaved through the usual hustle and bustle of the marketplace crowd with practised ease. Twirling, dodging and ducking, he made his progress through the crowd virtually undeterred by the throngs of people. The marketplace was even noisier than usual as the sweltering heat of the afternoon sun made the inhabitants of Konoha less than civil to each other while in the open.

The blond midget was entirely nondescript except for three markings on either cheek, and his diminuitive frame. Thankfully, the sweater with a drawn hood diverted unwanted attentions from his unique facial markings, but drew attention of a different sort.

A common thought raced through the minds of the people.

Who the hell would wear a sweater in the heat?

Naruto knew better though. The sweater, contrary to popular opinion, actually insulated him against the heat. The hood provided him with shade that also doubled as an aid to retain his anonymity. As an extra boon, it had multiple secret compartments and deep pockets to conceal his... subtly procured financial boons.

'They never even noticed,' Naruto noted with relish as he headed for the nearest alley. Apparently, his weaving through the crowd had not been without purpose.

'Oh well. They won't miss it, in either case. Probably chalk it up to an extra shot at the bar,' Naruto snorted as he stepped into the shadows of the alley. The darkness was cool, and gave him some measure of peace to take stock of his pickings in normal circumstances.

Today was no normal day. A mugger happened to be within that very alley.

As he leaned against the wall and counted the results of the day's work, he smelled more than saw the mugger that approached him.

'A common civilian criminal.' Naruto made no sound of having noticed his approach, except a small sound of distaste. Unaware of the danger, the mugger sneaked closer to the blond.

Once the mugger was close enough, Naruto made his move.

"Your laif' or your munnie', pal!" The ruffian tried to point his knife at Naruto. He failed. He tried again, and met the same result. Determinedly, he tried it one more time.

"You know, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing twice and expecting a different result. Doing it thrice, however, requires a special kind of idiocy."

"Eh?"

Swaying blearily, the obviously drunk mugger blinked slowly, for he held nothing in his hands.

Grumbling in embarrassment, the drunkard then proceeded to rummage through his pockets. "...I'm sure I had it somewhere..."

"Looking for these?" Naruto smiled as he held up a knife, a wallet and a packet of rubbery things that he had no idea about.

Naruto was only six years old, after all.

"Yeah! Giv' me tha'!" The drunkard frowned as he reached for the items.

Just before his grubby hands closed around Naruto's wrist, he stumbled. Succumbing to the alcohol within, the drunk fell into a deep sleep , his troubles forgotten. Just as Naruto had predicted, after silent observation of the drunk's features as he had approached.

Slack jaw, unfocused eyes and a tight jaw characteristic of a person trying his best not to yawn, the drunk was about to sleep.

"You will pardon me for pilfering your things, I'm sure..." Naruto murmured softly as he stepped towards the prone form of the man before rifling through the snoring man's pockets, keeping only the barest essentials for himself: All of the guy's money and the knife.

As Naruto turned to leave, he paused. 'What about that?'

What need had he for the rubbery stuff? Shrugging, he expertly returned the pack to its rightful owner. Whistling happily, his good deed done for the day, Naruto stepped out of the alley to give himself a treat for a job well done.

No, Naruto was not a thief. As his favourite fantasy character would say, Naruto was a treasure hunter. Despite what others insist, Naruto was a good treasure hunter.

You see, he had the mark of a good treasure hunter.

No one knew about him.

To the average person, he was just another Konoha child, innocent and exuberant. To those who had been targeted, he was a ghost that never existed.

To himself, he was going to be the best damn treasure hunter he had ever.

One had to have dreams and escapes to deal with the cards Fate and Fortune had dealt, afterall.

"Dude, spare me some cash!" A diskempt carrot-haired guy sitting at a table pleaded with the local barkeep. "I'm fresh outta dough!"

"A likely story." His friend, the barkeep snorted, obviously unimpressed.

"I swear, I had it five minutes ago!" Carrot frowned, in deep thought. When did he last have it? He swore that he had been holding it merely thirty seconds ago...

Behind him, a tiny figure slipped out of the bar.

"...and I can summon demons. Now go on, git! I'll put it on your tab."

Grateful, Carrot stumbled out of the bar under the watchful eyes of his exasperated friend. He was always borrowing money. He had a habit of misplacing it so often. Must be a side-effect of living near the demon.

Somewhere far far away, a man with spiky black hair and red eyes sneezed, as the puppet leader of the organisation looked at him in alarm. The true leader of the organisation did not just get sick... Did he?

Naruto expertly weaved through the crowd once more as he made his way to one of his favourite haunts. A homely stall named Ichiraku. To many of Konoha's denizens, Ichiraku Ramen Stand was nothing special.

It was an entirely nondescript eatery, which was why Naruto liked it. In his line of work, treasure had a peculiar way of running away once you attracted attention.

Incidently, the cook and his daughter liked Naruto too.

It helped that they were spared frequent mismanagement of finances that often plagued other stalls whenever Naruto was around. Too often had Naruto been thrown out of a stall because the owner suspected him the cause, but had no evidence.

Always, suspicions. No proof, but lingering doubts. Persistent as the very first day they had appeared, but never anything solid. An innocent look, a thorough turning out of pockets served to dispel these for a minute, but they always returned.

"Well, it was true, but still..." Naruto scowled.

Was it his fault he had a lack of financial resources because he was an orphan? The meagre stipend the Sandaime Hokage gave him per week was just that, meagre.

"Stop thinking about that. You can't change that, so don't mope about it! The old geezer probably has his difficulties."

Snapping himself out of his depressing thoughts, Naruto placed his order.

"Oi, oji-san! Two bowls of miso ramen please!"

"Coming right up. Anything for my favourite customer!"

Naruto beamed sunnily at the old chef, Teuchi, and his daughter, Ayame, who was busy assisting her father.

Having ordered his meal, Naruto took a seat at a table in the corner farthest from the door. These gave him a vantage point over the whole of the eatery. From afar, all one would see was a blond midget whose legs dangled a lloonngg way from the ground.

Up close however, one would see a greedy blond midget whose legs dangled a lloonngg way from the ground.

"Here you are, Naruto-san! Enjoy!" Teuchi said as he placed two bowls of miso ramen in front of Naruto.

Naruto was happy. After Naruto had footed the bill, the old chef was even happier. It was not to say that the chef liked Naruto only for his patronage. The old man was fond of the child, but he preferred to remain professional during operating hours.

"Itadakimasu!" Naruto broke apart the chopsticks and dug in as the chef and his daughter watched their biggest customer eat.

And eat.

And eat..

'Where does he put it all?' The two wondered as they watched the noodles disappear into a seemingly bottomless pit.

Even while eating at a breakneck speed, Naruto kept an eye out for his enemies - mainly those who still remembered his clumsy early attempts. He still did - and winced at the thought of them.

-(Flashback)-

"Come back here, you thief!"

"Stop, thief!"

"Slow down and take your beating like a man!"

A horde of angry shopkeepers chased a younger Naruto down the street. He had botched up a treasure hunt again. With justifiable resignation, Naruto waited for the inevitable...

...the ninjas.

Reacting to the shouts, a young chuunin tackled Naruto to the ground. The brunette grappled with the blonde for a while before the horde came down and let their fists do the talking.

A bruised and wincing Naruto limped home that day.

-(End Flashback)-

Teuchi watched in bemusement as Naruto winced at a phantom pain before drinking the remainder of his soup with a loud slurp. "Fantastic as always, oji-san. I got to go now, see you around!"

"See you around, Naruto-san!"

With exasperated amusement, Teuchi watched the midget leave. He was such an energetic boy.

"I probably should stash my loot away. Getting caught with so much dough could be awkward."

With that new goal in mind, Naruto headed for his new destination.

The Hokage monument. Engraved into the mountainside were the huge faces of all of Konoha's Hokages. The strongest ninjas of their time, they were an inspiration for Leaf ninjas everywhere. Each were a testament to the strength of character and prowess all Leaf ninjas possessed deep down. A dormant strength that had made them a dominant force in the recent Second Shinobi War.

As a tribute to their contributions as leader of the ninjas of Konoha, each had their features permanently etched into the mountainside.

That made them great hiding places for loot.

Naruto had first discovered their utility a year ago. Scaling the monument in those days was no easy task. His young limbs simply lacked the reach and the power.

Now however...

"A cakewalk. The only word I have for it." Naruto was climbing the monument one-handed while reading an interesting orange book he had picked up earlier in his attempts to lighten the load of the citizens of Konoha.

Halfway up, however, he could resist no longer..

"The pressure... I can't take it anymore... I'm going to fall!'

And fall he did as blood spurted from his nose and made his footholds slippery. Thankfully, he managed to grab a crevice before he became a gooey mess on the floor. He nearly dislocated his arm, however.

Grumbling as he reached the top of Hokage monument once more, Naruto swore an oath that he would punish whoever wrote that damnable god-forsaken piece of smut.

In a hotspring far away, a white-haired hermit sneezed and was beaten to a pulp by the rampaging pervert police.

Naruto began the perilous journey to his hidey holes, places where he stashed his loot. Swinging into the First Hokage's ear, he tapped the eardrum in a special way and was rewarded with a panel's swivel.

'Shit!'

Naruto barely had time to curse before he disarmed the trap he once set up. He was nearly caught offguard by the third and fourth layer of traps he had set up to ensure none could reach his stash easily.

The first layer was an intricate system that would net the stash in that hidey hole and bring it to a hidey hole that had not been set off.

The second was automatically triggered, and would erupt in a fiery conflagration that will harm the intruder, and destroy all evidence of his illgotten items.

The third layer was to coat the entire hidey hole with a fast-acting airborne neurotoxin that was simultaneously lethal and absolutely illegal for use for anyone below the rank of jounin.

The fourth and final layer was his best. It would set and trigger a variation of the doppelganger seals used by high-level ninjas to guard important installations. This would create a clone of the intruder that would match him or her blow for blow. This would delay the intruder long enough for Naruto to arrive.

Afterall, Naruto wanted to meet anyone who made it past the first three layers of traps, which had to be disarmed using perplexing puzzles that were to be completed in the span of seconds.

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief.

Stashing some cash into the hole, he closed the panel, rearmed the trap, and stepped out of the First's ear.

He then moved to the Second Hokage's nose. There, a hidden compartment could be opened by pulling a booger from the nose.

There, he placed yet another wad of cash, before pulling the nosehair to close the compartment.

He continued to the Third's pipe. Where one normally placed weed or herbs was instead where he placed his loot. Sweating profusely, Naruto made his way across. It was always a tricky affair to use the hidey hole in the Third's pipe.

That explained the low frequency of usage.

Naruto really did not like to comtemplate increasing the cleaners' workload by becoming a sticky stain on the ground before the Hokage monument.

Clinging desperately to the pipe, Naruto dropped the loot into the pipe, and turned around to head back to safer ground.

Naruto balanced along the pipe and sighed in relief when he made it safely across.

Last was the Fourth's hair. Few knew it, but the largest spike was hollow and yet another hidey hole for Naruto. The top of it could be unscrewed.

"I suppose it is a little overboard to use so many traps and hidey holes..."

Naruto pondered as he sat atop the Fourth's head, spent from the exertion. "Still, even I know that it is foolish to place all of one's hopes, or loot, in one breadbasket, or hidey hole. First thing I learnt..."

-(Flashback)-

A younger Naruto returned to his hidey hole. "Come on... It's got to be here... I have to pay the bills for my electricity..."

It was gone. A note that he found read: Gone, sucker! Thanks for the meal.

Naruto burst into tears.

-(End Flashback)-

"Ever since then, I have been varying my locations. Can never be too careful.' Naruto simply lay back and watched the clouds go by. "My... They're so carefree. I wish I could be just like them."

It was night. "I must have overslept... But it's not like I have anyone waiting for me anyways. Just me... All alone..." Naruto noted bitterly.

Still, he knew that he would not be idle.

Already, he could feel the urge to treasure hunt rising again.

"So fast?" He knew it was a curse.

"But that doesn't mean that it wasn't fun. I can't wait!" That thought brought a smile to Naruto's face as he headed for his apartment.