Sorry about the delay. My life is really...crazy at the moment so I apologize. Hope you enjoy it!! I will have a FOF...eventually. Thank you all for reading, especially those who review. I appreciate it more than you all realize. Thank you...
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the storyline and the characters I provided to fit in with said storyline. :)
Chapter 11: Lying to Live
"Spence, David wants to—oh, hey. You must be Ashley."
The blonde's head snapped towards the entrance, the sudden intrusion of a deep voice effectively scaring her half to death. Her heartbeat quickened by the unexpected interruption, nerves increasing tenfold as she allowed the wooden spoon to crash to the floor. Simultaneously, Ashley's head shot towards the entrance as her focus immediately fell upon an unfamiliar figure.
The man was about Aiden's height, if not slightly shorter, with a strong build. He had a clean, casual air about him, his baggy, but fitting jeans were belted around the waist, while a slack, black t-shirt masked his torso. He seemed, more or less, Spencer's type, in the brunette's opinion, especially the handsome facial features. Clean-shaven and strong-jawed, tousled, brunette hair—definitely Spencer-type.
"Didn't mean to scare you, babe." The man chuckled heartily, making his way over toward his fiancée. "David just wants to know when dinner's gonna be ready."
"Few minutes," Spencer said, bending over to pick up the previously dropped spoon, effectively hiding her fierce blush.
Whether he was completely unaware of the heavy, lingering tension or decided to think nothing of it, none of it seemed to affect him, whatsoever. Instead, he held out a warm, welcome hand for Ashley, smiling widely at the smaller woman. She took it, greeting him in melancholy reluctance, as a pang of jealousy hit her.
"So you're Kevin, then?" She asked, voice surprisingly strong, lips upturned in a painted smile.
"Yup. I've heard a lot about you, Ashley."
The young woman's eyebrow lifted in surprised curiosity as she caught a hint of blush crawling up Spencer's cheeks. She avoided the brunette's gaze and Ashley couldn't help but wonder why. But as she looked back into hazel-green eyes, she couldn't help but remember another moment, another once-upon-a-time.
"Nice to meet you, Kevin."
***
She could have left a long time ago. The opportunity was there, knocking, waiting for her to kick open the door and take it. Grasp it. She could have—every nerve in her body was screaming for her to do it.
Every thought racing in her mind was against her staying. Every jealous beating of her heart served as a reminder of her unfathomable allergy to any outsider's intimate relations with Spencer Carlin.
She could have left at anytime, really. At least that was what she kept telling herself.
But Spencer knew the brunette's kryptonite well. Pouted lips, tilted glances—God, she knew it so well.
Too well, Ashley often thought.
So there she stood inside the Carlin's residence, lower back rested against the counter, anxious jealousy coursing through her body, as she met Mike for the first time.
"Nice to meet you, Mike."
He grinned, oblivious to the faux sincerity behind Ashley's words, as the handshake ended. He was nice, Ashley immediately thought, and a perfect gentleman. She wanted to let go of the immediate hate, its unjustifiable strength hitting her like a brick in the face.
She didn't understand the inexplicable feeling of her tugging heart. She couldn't decipher the exotic code of "more than just…," the constant teetering of the line as she struggled between lovers and friends.
But, Ashley knew she crossed it. There was no exact time. No specific place. But it happened. She fell over it, tired of trying to stay on one foot hopping along as if she could put on the act forever. She couldn't pretend to do that anymore than she could deny Spencer's every wish.
"You too, Ashley."
***
"You too, Ashley."
Ashley looked away, taken back by his sincerity. It wasn't unexpected, but it made the situation much more difficult. He wasn't supposed to be likeable. She prayed that he wouldn't be.
But the brunette also remembered that Spencer had never dated anyone less than suitable for her. She knew how to pick 'em, so to speak. Guys complied to her every desire, no questions asked. Spencer made no effort, never a diva snapping her fingers and making orders.
Nonetheless, it was as if she had some mystifying attraction, magnetic and alluring. And Ashley was remembering the hard way, how difficult it was to escape her.
"Well, I'll go set the table," Kevin said, interrupting the brunette's thoughts.
Spencer caught Ashley's look. The one of pain, feebly covered up by nonchalance. She couldn't help remembering the same look from another time…
…another place.
***
"Mike's calling again."
"Just leave it, Ash."
The two were laying upon Ashley's bed, a few days after the Valentine's Day dance, relaxed in the comfort of one another's company. Not much had been said during their laid back morning, but they enjoyed the company nonetheless.
"May I ask, why, Spence?" The brunette tried her best to sound nonchalant, but it was proving to be difficult. Her friend's voice was laced with indifference, a slight bitterness intertwined with every letter.
Spencer flipped another page of the magazine, only half-interested as she skimmed the pages. "I don't wanna talk to him, so just drop it."
Definitely bitter.
Ashley sat up on her bed, a friendly concern stealing her previous relaxed nature, as she gazed at the back of Spencer's head. Immediately, she recognized the tense form of her friend's body. The way she lay so stiffly on her stomach, nerves on edge beneath the brunette's gaze.
Had it been anyone else, Spencer knew that her dismissive words would have never enticed such intrigue, that nonchalant sentences would have not been thought of twice.
But Ashley was not "anyone else." Not in the slightest.
"Please don't ask me what's wrong, Ashley." The brunette couldn't help but smile at the plea, not at all surprised that Spencer knew what she was just about to voice.
"I wasn't," she lied feebly, making her way to the blonde at the edge of the bed.
Ashley stopped beside her, the weight from her kneeling body on the mattress causing her friend to roll over slightly. The kneeling girl swiftly tossed away the magazine the blonde was flipping through, simultaneously turning Spencer to face her fully. Confused disappointment filled Ashley when blue eyes avoided her own. Never had her friend blatantly tried to hide how she felt, and it hurt.
Spencer sighed softly, an immediate sign of self-defeat She could never bring herself to wear masks around her best friend, despite her feeble efforts.
"He wants to be with me, again," the blonde breathed in a troubled whisper. Eyes still cast away from the gold-specked brown eyes above her, she placed her right arm on her forehead, allowing her eyelids to close.
The brunette's stomach clenched, jealousy burning her insides at the concept. "Oh…well, he's a nice guy."
Ashley watched as her friend's stomach trembled with mocking laughter. "Don't do that, Ash. Don't act like you approve of him."
"What are you talking about? I said he was nice!" The brunette fired back, offended.
Spencer shot up, steely gaze connecting directly with the brunette's concerned eyes.
"You don't like him, so don't act like you do."
"Are you going back out with him? Is that it Spencer?"
"Wha—no! You know I would've told you."
"You didn't even tell me you two broke up!"
"It…slipped my mind." The blonde mumbled, looking away.
"For two weeks, Spence?!"
"It wasn't important."
"It isn't—you are important. So beautifully important."
Ashley slowly traced down Spencer's jaw line, the last few words escaping her own mouth in a heavy softness. An abandoned piece of hair was placed behind its owner's right ear before gentle fingers made its way to a soft, feminine chin, turning it slightly for a full portrait view.
"I can't help but worry, Spence. Please, just tell me what's wrong."
I asked you not to—"
"Please, Spence…"
Spencer couldn't deny the desperate request if she tried. The barely there whisper of a raspy voice, strikingly concerned. "We broke up because of you."
Ashley rearranged herself slightly, moving her legs from beneath her and crossing them, Indian style. Her hands moved from the spot on Spencer's face to playing with one another, almost nervously, as she waited for her friend to continue.
"He, uh…we were making out and things got a little—"
"I understand, Spence."
Spencer shot up quickly, immediately connecting her gaze with Ashley's. "Oh no, Ash. Nothing happened. I mean—never, has anything happened. With anyone."
A strange, satisfied curiosity washed over Ashley as she listened to Spencer's confession. "Why?"
A barely-there blush crept up her friend's cheeks. "I just…it never seemed right. Like something was missing."
"I know what you mean."
"Really?"
"Well, yeah. Every time I'm with a girl I feel like, I don't know—like it can be better… way, way better somehow."
"I thought you said you were in love once? That wasn't, like, the most mind blowing sex you've ever had?" Spencer's eyebrow lifted, playfully curious.
It was Ashley's turn to look away, her blush slightly more intense than her friend's . "I am, I mean—I was. Well, I'm not…it never—"
Ashley was caught off guard as a gentle body tackled her to the mattress, effectively ceasing her rare stuttering. It also delayed Ashley's breathing, sending her lungs into an aroused frenzy, nerves causing a sudden rise in temperature from her previously calm body.
"It was a joke, Stutterface. Chill."
It was that very thing— the inexplicable feeling of electricity shooting through her body from the slightest of touches; the impossibly suppressed moan fighting to escape the confines of her throat; the way Spencer looked at her like she was the most precious object, the most priceless; and the way her look alone sent her body into a heated frenzy, making her wetter than she ever thought possible.
It was that very thing that made her know, without a doubt, that sex could be so much better…
"So what happened?" Ashley questioned, trying to get her mind off of any sort of sex-capade with the blonde above her.
"What?" Spencer said breathless, eyes slowly making its way up her friend's face.
But Ashley saw it, the lingering of Spencer's stare on her lips. The way the blonde's perfect tongue quickly licked gorgeous lips, subconsciously.
"You and Mike…what happened?"
Spencer looked away, a feeble attempt of hiding her embarrassment. Ashley thought it was from being caught lingering too long. She didn't, however, see the images playing inside her head. ---
She believed she was into it, that it was Mike's kisses making her moan in such a desiring manner. That is was Mike's touches making her body hotter than she ever thought possible. She had to believe it.
Because if she were to be honest with herself for even a second, the dream she had the night before had a greater influence than she would like to admit. Intimate touches, unfathomably sensual kisses, bodies moving in sync with one another. The tugging of hair; painfully sweet biting of feminine lips; uncontrollable, ear-splitting, pleasurable moans.
Hands touching everywhere, impossibly.
Lips kissing everywhere, wonderfully.
And Ashley, fingers filling her, making her explode with passion, relentlessly. ---
"It was about to happen…we had never taken it that far," Spencer spoke softly, bringing her fingers to play with a loose strand of Ashley's hair. ---
Mike's fingers trailed the right side of Spencer's body, coming to a stop at the hem of her shirt. She leaned into the kiss, pushing him further into the bed, as his thumbs kneaded circles into her stomach. The image of a feminine tongue flashed Spencer's mind as Mike's dueled with her own, the thought eliciting a moan from deep within.
Mike smiled into the kiss, excitement coursing through his veins. Spencer had never been so wanting, so aroused.
Confidence peaking, Mike flipped them over, leaning into the blonde as gently as he could. Tongues tangoed, the kiss only breaking when Mike swiftly removed the shirt from the girl below him. ---
"What stopped you?" Ashley breathed, trying desperately to control her erratic breathing. Spencer on top of her, touching her innocently, breaths mingling sweetly… ---
Immediately, rough hands were filled with perfect breasts. Her back arched from the touch, wanting more. He reached beneath her, releasing the hooks of the bra before he threw it across the room.
Another image, this time of her best friend's warm, wet lips meeting Spencer's hard nipples crept into the blonde's thoughts, producing a sensual scream from her lips.
"Damn, Spence…" Mike groaned at the sound, hips grinding into her throbbing core as he kissed her passionately.
She didn't know when her jeans were pulled off and thrown about haphazardly, leaving her in nothing but a blue, lace-trimmed thong. She was sure she didn't remember Mike removing his shirt, exposing his chiseled torso. And she certainly didn't hear the nearly silent sound of Mike unzipping his jeans.
But she did hear his words, the truthful admission said straight into her mouth. ---
Spencer closed her eyes as she recalled his statement, an unrequited truth. "He said it…" ---
"God, I love you so much Spencer." --
Ashley's heart clenched, stomach twisting in knots. "Did you say it back, Spence?" ---
Spencer pulled away from the kiss, from his mouth, his words. She didn't expect reality to hit so hard. She didn't expect to feel so guilty about it.
"You what?" Spencer asked, trying to catch her breath.
"I love you," he said with a shy smile. "I'm in love with you, Spencer." ---
Blue eyes traveled side-by-side gentle fingers, almost distractedly. She cupped her friend's left cheek, lightly placing her forehead upon Ashley's. Both sets of eyelids fluttered before remaining closed. ---
He waited for the return, sure that Spencer felt the same way. He didn't however, expect her to push him off of her, quickly bringing the disheveled sheets to her bare chest. She hastily made her way around the room, locating her discarded clothes and dressing before Mike could even figure out what was going on. ---
"No…" The blonde breathed. ---
"What's wrong, baby?" Mike questioned, eyebrows knitted.
"Why did you say it, Mike?" Spencer asked, nearly in tears.
"Spence, I—I meant it! I love you! I can't lie about something like that—"
"I have to go…I can't stay here," Spencer interrupted, searching for her cell phone.
Her fingers automatically pressed familiar digits, ready to press the call button as she shot out of her boyfriend's bedroom and made her way down the stairs. Mike followed, hurt and confused… ---
"He's not the person I'm in love with…" ---
"You're calling her, huh?" Mike accused, pain evident behind his words.
Spencer's body turned abruptly, anger etched on her face. "Don't you dare bring her into this, Mike!"
"You are, aren't you," he challenged, bitterly. "You called her. You always call her."
"She's my best friend!"
"Spence, I see the way you look at her. The way you finish each other's sentences and-and hold hands—you talk about her all the time. It's always, 'Ashley this!' or 'Ashley that!'—"
"She. Is. My. Best. Friend! Every time we argue, you bring her up—jealous much?"
"It's not about me being jealous, Spencer," he spat, frustrated. "You are so much more than just friends with her and you know it."
"With Ashley?" the blonde shrieked, unbelieving. "We're friends! She's been my best friend since I was five—"
Mike snorted harshly, shaking his head. "Be honest with yourself for once, Spencer—you can't even tell me you love me. It's been almost eight months, and you still can't tell me."
"Is that what this is about?" the blonde laughed, incredulously. "Because I'm not ready to say it back?"
"Spence, it's not about any of that!" he spoke vehemently. "Do you have any feelings for me at all? Am I just a game to you?"
"What the—no, Mike! I don't just play with people's feelings. I'm not that type of person."
"Well then what is this? What are we?"
"We," Spencer emphasized, stepping closer to Mike, "are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are someone I care so much about. I do love you, but I'm not in love with you and I won't apologize for that."
"I respect that, Spence. But explain this—why are you running from me? If we are what you say we are, then why are you disappointed when I tell you I lo—"
"Don't…" the blonde said weakly.
Mike chuckled in bitter disbelief. "You won't even let me say it."
Silence overtook the two of them, uncomfortable and lingering. Spencer couldn't deny it, his truthful words. But the words seemed feeble on his lips, lips that weren't hers…
Lips that weren't Ashley's.
Spencer dialed a number into her phone, ignoring Mike's scoff as she listened to the voice on the other end. "Glen, can you come get me?" She spoke softly into the phone. "No…nothing's wrong…yeah, I'm at Mike's…thanks."
She ended the call, wordlessly turning towards the door.
"That's it, Spence? You're just gonna leave?"
The blonde hesitated, the defeated words echoing in her head.
"We can talk about it tomorrow. I'm just…right now, I'm just tired."
"No," Mike said slowly, "I don't think there is a tomorrow for us."
Spencer turned, immediately understanding. Maybe it was relief. Perhaps it was indifference. It may have been confusion. Whatever it was, all she could do was nod in response, words failing to come.
"Can you do something for me, though, Spencer?" the boy questioned, hopeful. She nodded, knowing he deserved one last request.
"I want you to answer something, honestly."
"What is it?" ---
Ashley hesitated before asking. She was scared, afraid of the truth. Afraid of going face-to-face with her denial.
But she wanted to know. Needed to know.
"If it's not him, then…who is it, Spence?" ---
"You are in love with her, right? It's always been her."
Surprisingly, a sad smile played on her lips as she shook her head. "I honestly don't know what it is with her, Mike. I care a lot about you…like, you have this piece of me. You're in my heart. But Ash…Ashley is my heart. And it doesn't matter what the hell I do, who I'm with…" Spencer sighed deeply, pondering the best way to articulate her sheltered feelings. ---
The blonde's breath mingled sweetly with Ashley's, lips just inches above her friend's. The intimacy was overwhelming, bringing them to a place where both were too afraid to go.
"It's…" ---
"I don't know if it's love, Mike. I really don't. But I do know that whatever it is, it's strong. I've tried to ignore it, to push it aside…but I can't let it go."
Mike nodded as he looked away from her, his deepest suspicions confirmed.
"Wh-what were we? Did you feel anything Spencer? Was I just some lame ass distraction from—"
"God, Mike, no," the blonde started, quickly walking over to Mike. She cupped his face with both hands as she gently lead his face back towards her own. He had to see the truth. "I care about you so much. Much more than you realize. I told you, I don't know what this is with me and Ash, but, God no—I would never do this to you intentionally. Never."
He placed a kiss on her forehead, gentle and loving. She closed her eyes, the intensity behind the blues intensifying with the glistening of unshed tears. There was no doubting the genuine care both felt, the unmistakable feeling of love.
But there was a difference between a familial love and one of a lover's. There was a painful difference, and it was that very moment that generated the unfortunate feeling of understanding the difference.
"I do love you, Spencer Carlin."
She couldn't stop the tears if she wanted to. The pain behind his words. The honesty behind the pain. It was too much. God, was it too much.
She turned around, immediately feeling him pull away. The mystifying sense one could only understand when feeling the utmost care of another.
She felt it, internally. The pull of her chest, the slow removal of the small piece of her heart she gave away.
She felt him trying to take it back. She heard his feet stutter backwards, sensed his fingers tugging the invisible rope tying the two together. Unknotting the two strings, letting go.
She felt him release her completely, the pull, the tugging.
Spencer turned around, tears flowing silently. He was gone.
Gone…
…and she couldn't help but feel a bit empty. ---
"It's…" Spencer hesitated again.
Spencer could have told her then. Could have confessed all she felt. The fairytale love, the cliché of "Falling for your best friend." She could have, because if she would have been honest with herself, she would have realized that Ashley felt the same.
Fear doesn't excuse her actions. The trepidation one feels when a person isn't everything she should be. When she falls far below the expectations of her loved ones.
When she just can't, because she believes she shouldn't.
Fear doesn't justify the fact that lies are lived. That lies are a part of life. Of her life. Fear doesn't make it okay to be someone other than true.
Spencer, her mother, her family built upon the heavy bricks of strict Catholic nurture.
The only thing that can excuse her is the reality of a human being. So perfectly flawed, living by the good and bad consequences of every second-by-second decision. Every truth. Every lie.
We all live lies. Not to hurt another, but to live.
We lie to live.
"…no one. I'm not in love with anyone."
Spencer lied to live…
…but she couldn't help but feel a bit empty.
***
"Spencer, where'd you go?"
Ashley's head was tilted curiously, eyebrows raised in amusement.
"What? Nothing," Spencer recovered shaking her head quickly.
"No, Spence," Ashley said, walking up to her. "What's wrong?"
Eyes connected as the distance between the two decreased. For a second, Spencer stood, exposed. Her heart was open, truths were wordlessly spoken…
For only a second, Ashley saw it all. The desire, the honesty, the pain.
For only a second, Spencer was unguarded, giving Ashley all of the truth she needed.
But the next second, she was shielded behind lies. Lies that weren't lies until Ashley Davies waltzed back into her life.
"Spencer I—"
"Dinner's ready," Spencer cut in, turning away from Ashley.
Ashley fought away the hurt, opting to conceal it behind an indifferent façade.
Shielded behind lies. No longer lying to live.
Lying to forget.
But both couldn't help but feel a bit empty.
Author's Note: The progression of the story is somewhat slow. However, I feel as if it crucial. The next scene is the dinner table scene. David's character will be made less opaque, and a few more flashbacks will be provided to understand Kevin's role. Thanks for your patience. If something is not clear, feel free to ask questions. Thanks!
-Cassy 3