Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas

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PLEASE READ: This is a request fic from Mortimerscross (/u/1333650/) for the Bleach Fanfiction Challenge. The plot and concept is all hers. This is just my interpretation. I may not necessarily support the pairing, but that doesn't really matter when I write; I just like to have fun. And besides, it's an interesting perspective to write about something you don't usually write about.

A/N: God, I haven't written anything with Bleach in ages! I hope all of the characters retain their proper personalities, and I'll try to keep them as in-character as I can.

Plot Bunny: Ichigo, too scared to have his father do it and too embarrassed to do it himself asks Orihime to give his little sisters the "coming of age" talk. Hopefully funniness ensues and I'll try not to kill the plot bunny.

All characters of Bleach © Kubo Tite

I.

(The Real World)

.

"I'm sorry, Inoue," Kurosaki Ichigo apologized for about the seventh time that day. The copper-haired girl tossed her long locks behind her shoulder and smiled tentatively at him.

"It's alright, Kurosaki-kun, I understand," she reassured him again. "I would feel uncomfortable too, if I was in your shoes." Her gray eyes were large, round, and sympathetic.

Ichigo laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his flaming hair. "Yeah, you're the only one I feel comfortable asking, actually," he said. At this Orihime's cheeks darkened slightly, but the substitute shinigami failed to notice this.

Despite having Orihime there to help, Ichigo still felt a tad uncomfortable (if not a bit guilty for having his childhood friend perform such a troublesome task on his behalf).

While walking on the afternoon streets of Karakura, Ichigo couldn't help but reminisce on the first time this situation arose, when he was twelve. That had been extremely… unpleasant for him. Not so much for his father. Ichigo shuddered internally, remembering that little discussion. He recalled his father sitting him down one night after his sisters had fallen asleep, and then hell had commenced.

--

"Good evening, my idiot son!" Isshin greeted as he swung open the bedroom door, refraining from engaging Ichigo in a manly wrestling-match only because it would wake up the girls.

"Oyaji," Ichigo grumbled. "What are you doing in my room so late? I don't feel like fighting."

"Oh, you're in for something better than that," his father replied. There was a devious glint in his dark eyes that Ichigo didn't like one bit.

"Huh?"

"I'm going to talk to you about something very special tonight, Ichigo because I think you're about ready for it," Isshin said matter-of-factly, taking a seat in the desk-chair beside his son's bed.

Uh oh…

"Now, my son," he began. "When boys reach your age, they start to have sudden…urges for things. Sudden feelings. Take it from me, I used to be your age! Hah, hah, HAH!"

Twelve-year old Ichigo felt his right eyebrow begin to twitch sporadically.

"So, these urges can come from…"

--

Ichigo painfully recalled the "coming of age" talk, Kurosaki Isshin style. After that night, Ichigo knew things about the opposite sex he didn't want to know he didn't want to know. He couldn't so much as glance at his female classmates for a week afterwards without feeling all hot and uncomfortably fuzzy.

"…Kurosaki-kun?"

Ichigo blinked himself out of his reverie. "Sorry, Inoue. I was just remembering when Oyaji gave me the talk. I definitely don't want him doing it this time—Yuzu and Karin have been scarred enough by him already." Orihime giggled quietly.

"And asking Rukia or Tatsuki to do it would be just plain awkward," Ichigo continued. "Not that I don't think they can, but it'd just be…uncomfortable for me to ask." Ichigo envisioned what the bruises would look like if he had attempted to ask either one of them to do what he was having Inoue do.

And he certainly couldn't do it, nuh-uh. Battling leviathan hollows, menos grandes, and bloodthirsty shinigami seemed like a cinch next to giving the "coming of age" talk to his two younger sisters.

"So I'll come over tonight, Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked. They had stopped in front of her house. It looked so dark from the outside, Ichigo thought, despite the time of day. The windows looked like gaping mouths, an abyss of shadows.

He gave a quick nod. "Yeah, pops'll be busy treating some patients tonight. You can come over for dinner if you want too; we have normal food at the Kurosaki Clinic."

She smiled brightly and waved from her doorstep. "See you later, then!"

Orihime closed the front door behind her, welcoming the thick silence of her house. She heaved a sigh and went to fix some bread and sweet-bean paste for herself. True, she did agree to give Karin and Yuzu the talk, but saying you were going to do something was always harder than actually doing it.

What on earth was she going to say?

to be continued...