bAuthor: /bTheSiner

Author: TheSiner

Title: Sacrifices Betrayals Love and Foolishness

Word Count: 35,000

Chapters: 1/4

Genre: Romance, Drama, Hurt/Comfort

Pairing: Harry/Snape, Snape/?

Summary: Harry and Snape are forced to marry and it doesn't really work out that well. Harry is depressed, Snape is stubborn, and everyone else is selfish. HP/SS, slash, mpreg, A/U

Setting: After The Order of The Phoenix and the Department of Mysteries. Harry has just turned sixteen.

Rating: Nothing too terrible, a bit of sex a bit of depressive themes.

Disclaimer: These characters are not my own and belong to J.K. Rowling and affiliates.

Warnings: slash (duh!), OOC, A/U, non-canon, angsty, emotional, dubious consent(somewhat), male pregnancy is more than just mentioned, not beta-edited, may seem disturbing, door-mat-ish Harry, some grammar errors.

There are going to be four Chapters:

1. Sacrifices

2. Betrayals

3. Foolishness

4. Love

Warning – A/N:

!Spoilers ahead!

Cliché - It is another 'Harry marries Snape for protection' kind of story with a twist, so I am being very unoriginal.

Yeah, you have been warned, that this is your typical Harry marries Snape fare.

There is angst, drama, and people who feel deeply and act illogically sometimes. Some characters are being critiqued, but it's not exactly bashing – I hate that kind of thing.

Sorry is as it and ends as it ends, but if you have ideas about how to improve it, I am looking forward to hearing them. My stories rarely remain as they were, when I first post them.

You might be left wanting more after THE END.

Has been somewhat inspired by At the Heart of Things by empathic siren. Not really, only very few parallels could be drawn, but still, you might find it interesting to read that story as well (google it).

…Sacrifices…

1.

Harry gets bonded to Severus Snape on a warm and sunny day of August.

August is a very mild and calm month. The cheerful heat of summer has started to give way to melancholy chill of autumn.

Albus Dumbledore says it's his own fault, of course not so bluntly, but that is what he means. Yes, it kind of is. Harry is sixteen now and the Wizarding law sees sixteen-year-old wizards as somewhat capable to decide for themselves, even if they are not of age yet.

Unfortunately, a couple of days after he turns sixteen, Harry manages to say something implying that he was not feeling at home with the Dursleys that Privet Drive number four has never been his home and never will be.

Later Harry cannot exactly remember all he said, because his head always gets a bit woozy after his uncle smacks him around.

However, he has managed to deactivate the wards that were created by his mother's blood magic and were going to protect him as long as Harry would call the Privet drive number four his home.

Harry wonders if the Headmaster knows. About the beatings, that is. If he even cares.

Probably it doesn't matter for the big picture. It was not that bad anyway, a slap here or there a cuff in his side. Nothing more then Harry could take.

Certainly getting away from his uncle is not worth the trouble Harry's 'disownment' has caused. The Order is frantically scrabbling about for a solution. They don't say anything, they suspect what Harry's home life was like. However, their disappointment is seeping through averted eyes, tightening of lips, gestures that you can't name, can't point out, but that register somewhere with the less conscious parts of your mind.

Albus Dumbledore thinks that the protection could be transferred to Harry's spouse, if he had one. Harry needs a new family.

Therefore, he has to get married or bonded. And who is more suitable than the Hogwarts Potions Master and former (recently uncovered) spy Severus Snape? The wizard himself needs an extra protection, since he is on Voldemort's hit-list right below The-Boy-Who-Lived and Albus Dumbledore these days. Moreover, since the place he calls his Home for almost as many years as Harry had lived in this world, is Hogwarts… everyone sees the convenience. The school could use some extra protection as well.

Some of the 'Old Crowd' bang their heads against the table and wonder why they didn't think about it sooner. Arthur Weasley, who is one of those, who are not really happy with the arrangement, is forced to remind them that it is not exactly legal to bond someone who is younger than sixteen, considering what a marriage entails.

The head banging stops and someone changes the subject. They don't want to think about what the marriage of Severus Snape and Harry Potter, no, better The-Boy-Who-Lived, will entail. And Harry is not a child anymore. He is a young man. The-Boy-Who-Lived only looks younger, because he is a bit on the small side.

Molly Weasley snuffles a bit too loudly. She cares for Harry and thinks it is not fair to the boy. But she also wants to see him in good health and alive, so she knows that it's necessary… and somewhere in a corner of her mind, a little voice reminds Molly that she has two more children still in Hogwarts as well and she wants them to be safe behind the enhanced wards.

Harry doesn't protest. How can he raise any objections, if everyone, except Ron, maybe, says it is for the best?

It is only two months since Sirius has been gone. They are staying at Grimmauld Place and Harry still expects to turn around a corner, to open a door… and there he would be. Standing in the kitchen with a chipped, steaming mug in his hand, grinning. Every time Mrs. Black starts screaming about mudbloods and bloodtraitors, Harry expects Sirius powerful voice to shout back at her.

And no matter what everyone says; Harry knows that it was his fault. How can he object to something that would keep everyone safe? Hermione and Ron even. Remus looks very uncomfortable, but he says that he believes that Severus is a good, honourable man and that he will not do anything to hurt Harry deliberately and that

Severus will take care of him and keep him safe. The first part does not sound very convincing, but the second does. Obviously, Remus also doesn't want to loose anyone else.

Harry is not sure though. He doesn't even try to understand the werewolf. With him, it is always as if he is there and then he is not at the same time. Like he cares, but he doesn't. However, Harry is trying not to be upset about it. After all, Remus Lupin has had a very hard life and a lot of problems. Harry probably can't even imagine, how hard it must be.

What right does Harry have to want something more of the man? After what happened in the Department of Mysteries, he can be happy that Remus still wants to talk to him, right?

On the day he gets married, Harry feels rather numb. That is his usual state since Sirius is gone. At first, there was disbelief, then there was grief, after grief came rage and then again grief. So much grief that it simply got too much and then… then one day Harry realised that his grief had dulled to numbness.

Maybe it is for the better; otherwise, Harry might not have gone along with the bonding.

He notices that Snape had not said a single word to him and refuses to look at his future husband. Not that Harry can blame him. Snape probably wants to marry him even less than Harry wants to marry Snape. Maybe the man already has a lover somewhere… no, scratch that. Harry is James Potter's son and that is probably enough to turn Snape off him completely.

The boy is surprised to notice that the numbness recedes for a moment and he feels a pang of something, like lead pouring into his stomach at the thought that now Snape probably hates him even more. And he decides that is a good thing, after all, that Snape isn't looking at him, because Harry is not sure if he could stand seeing loathing and disgust in his eyes.

Harry doesn't really want that, he isn't trying to antagonise the man on purpose, he doesn't really want anyone to dislike him. Harry is afraid that a part of him will forever remain that little, unwanted boy, who is desperately craving for acceptance.

The ceremony is held at The Burrow, in the garden. After the spells are cast, they eat the food that Molly had cooked and there is even a cake that she cuts herself though.

No one is particularly hungry. Some of the 'guests' (the most reliable Order members) put the emphasis on firewhiskey, others mostly push the food around their plates. Molly seems to be frustrated.

Even Ron who is usually eating for three barely touches the food and barely opens his mouth. He is the only real opposition to Harry's marriage. If things had been different, Harry would have been grateful for the fact that someone was looking out for him. He knows that Ron has also offered to marry Harry himself. Molly would have none of it. Ron is only sixteen, not powerful enough and The-Boy-Who-Lived needs protection. In other words, he is not doomed like Harry and they wouldn't want to ruin his life, his future, but there is nothing to ruin about Snape's life.

Harry agrees. Better, be it Snape than Ron. The boy wisely keeps his mouth shut when his best friend asks: "And what about you, Harry? What about your life?" He is not going to admit that he doesn't care that much about his life. He would be glad to use it to do some good for people he cares for.

Harry mostly stares at the checked tablecloth and almost manages to tune out everyone around him. He is still thinking of Sirius.

Later they return to the Hogwarts by floo. Harry as usually stumbles and almost hits his head on the hard stone floor of the Headmaster's office. However, he does not have much time to pull himself together, since Snape is already at the door and obviously isn't going to wait even until the boy gets up from the floor. Harry assumes that someone like him doesn't see any excuses for clumsiness and it is one more thing the man despises in him.

Harry almost has to run to keep up with Snape whose long legs are carrying him down the stairs and corridors. He doesn't want to loose the man, because no one has told him where they will be staying. In fact, he hasn't been told much at all, except that he has to marry for his and everyone else's protection. For the greater good.

Harry thinks that Snape's private chambers are not that bad. Well, most likely nothing halfway decent is ever bad for someone whose first room has been a cupboard… but the rooms are nice enough. There is a living area with a fireplace, which the Potions Master lights as soon as they enter, two armchairs with a small table between them and a sofa and a huge bookshelf along one of the walls.

"That door," Snape points out. "Is my office. You are not allowed there. There," he points out again, "Is the bedroom and adjoining bathroom."

Then, still not looking at the boy, Severus Snape lists more things Harry Potter is not allowed to do or touch. Sadly, the books are one of the untouchables. But Harry understands; these are Snape's books after all. Everything down there is Snape's.

Then Snape vanishes in the bedroom without a word. Harry sits down on the edge of the dark brown sofa timidly. Snape has not forbidden him to use the furniture, but the boy just doesn't feel comfortable.

About fifteen minutes later, he appears again. He is wearing a very dark green robe over a set of black pyjamas. They look very nice. Silk or satin, Harry doesn't really know, because all he has ever had had been cotton. He suddenly remembers his own, worn pyjamas, which are actually Dudley's old and at least four sizes too large. He is embarrassed and doesn't want Snape to see them.

Then Snape orders him to get into the bathroom and clean up. Thoroughly. That does sting a bit. There might be many things that are wrong with Harry, but he really likes to be clean and enjoys his time in the bathroom. Vernon used to lock him in or deny the boy a chance to properly use bathroom and then call him little, dirty freak… Harry likes to be clean, if he can. Besides, he finds long showers very relaxing, a chance to escape from everything for a bit. Usually people do that in sleep, but for obvious reasons that doesn't work for Harry.

Nightmares.

The boy doesn't dare to take to much time though and in about ten minutes, he is standing in the dimly lit bedchamber with large, but only one bed in the middle of it. Harry's heart starts beating faster and it feels as if it will jump out of his throat. He looks around to see if there is a cupboard somewhere, because he can't believe that Snape would allow him to sleep with him.

"Get into the bed," Snape orders from where he is standing at the door, arms crossed over his chest. He looks as if he is trying to glare a hole into Harry's… well, general direction.

Harry pulls back the duvet, but just before he had lifted one of his feet from the floor, he hears one more direction: "Take off your bottoms and lie face down."

Harry doesn't understand. His cheeks burn, but he really doesn't. Why would Snape want him to do something like that, something so embarrassing? Is he trying to humiliate him?

"Don't be difficult about it, Potter," the Potions Master spits. He almost sounds affronted. "This has to be done and I want to get over with it."

And then Harry understands and berates himself for being naïve. They are married. Married. Yes, right until this moment he has thought that this will be a marriage in name only and… no one has even mentioned that he and Snape will have to, have to… but obviously, they will. Obviously, the marriage must be consummated, or something like that, to make it real, he thinks he has red or heard about it somewhere.

One thing Harry is sure about. Snape wouldn't be doing this, if it weren't necessary.

Harry nods numbly and thinks that it would have been better if someone had warned him as he is pulling the threadbare pyjama bottoms over his knees and letting them fall on his slippers on the floor. The boy isn't even sure how men go about it, but he has no doubt that Snape does.

Harry does as he has been told. He lies down, his head on the pillow, looking at the door of a built-in closet on the other side of the bed. It has brass knobs. He notices that the bed is comfortable and linens smell freshly washed. But no matter, how many nonessential things he is trying to busy his mind with, Harry feels the cold, dank dungeon air on his exposed flesh.

He is trying to stay calm, pretend that it is a just a chore or something like a doctor's visit, anything, but his first time, but the lump in his throat feels is about to choke him. Then Harry feels the bed dip and Snape's weight on him, as the man straddles his legs.

Very soon Harry finds out, how two men go about it.

He lies on his side of the bed facing the built-in closet and not seeing it, with silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Harry couldn't have told if he was asked, what was worse, the physical pain or the emotional. And no one is asking him anyway. Snape leaves the room as soon as it is done, probably to wash off all the evidence that he had ever touched Harry Potter.

Harry doesn't dare to move. The boy doesn't want to feel the ache shooting up his spine from his abused opening. Snape ordered him to relax, but Harry couldn't and it hurt. At least the man didn't call him any names, that would have made it much worse. Harry can't think of much that could have made it worse, though.

But he knows that it will heal.

Harry wishes that Sirius were here to hold him more than ever. He feels so sad, so lonely. Humiliated and violated. As if he had been torn open and will never be able to close those wounds again. Like something had been sucked out of him, so empty.

2.

When Harry wakes up next morning, he is alone. The bed linens do not smell so fresh anymore. He rolls over to the other side and sniffs the other pillow. Musky. He had smelled it before, but doesn't know the name for the scent. So, Snape had slept there. Probably he returned after Harry fell asleep.

But what does it matter? Harry is not sure.

He wonders why do they have to share the bed at all and if they would have to repeat the last night. Harry also knows that he will not dare to ask.

He drags himself into the blue tiled bathroom, hoping that a shower will make him feel better. It doesn't. Nothing does.

It is supposed to get better; at least that is what they say, isn't it? But it isn't getting better.

For the last two weeks of August, Harry tries to get used to it. Living with Snape. His husband. Harry tries not to annoy him, but it is obviously impossible, because it is nothing he does, it is his mere existence that the man cannot stand. Once the boy tries to make tea, as a peace offering, a kind gesture or maybe he's just trying to prove that he is not completely useless…

It does not go over well. It turns out that the Potions Master keeps potion ingredients in the kitchen, which look like tea, smell like tea, but are not tea. Harry thinks that he has never seen Snape so angry; he has not really tried to poison the man. His hands are trembling as he pours the 'tea' down the drain and washes the cups. Then he locks himself in the bathroom to cry. He never tries to do something like that again. Harry hardly dares to touch anything at all.

It doesn't get better even when the school starts. Everyone knows that he is married to Snape; Rita Skeeter has been awfully helpful with letting the public know. That by itself is not such a big deal, because all the marriages have to be publicly announced. The thing is that Skeeter didn't stop at simply announcing the fact, of course not. She also made all kind of wild speculations about sordidness of his and Snape's relationship.

It feels like everyone whispers behind his back and even openly taunts him. Draco Malfoy is enjoying himself like never before now, with Harry's marriage. The only shield against them is his numbness. it is as if nothing can hurt Harry more than he has already been hurt.

Sometimes it all seems just a dream.

Ron and Hermione are still there, they are still his friends, but they are very busy Hermione has so many classes and she has become the Head Girl. It is unusual, because she is only in her sixth year, but while Harry wonders, he is happy for her. Ron is the new Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team; But Harry isn't even allowed to play. Whoever could have done it hasn't lifted the ban and it seems that no one really wants to do anything to change that. They all say it is sad, but probably safer for him that way.

Besides, his two best friends are together as a couple now and that means they want to spend some time alone. They haven't told Harry yet, but even he is not blind and they are too obvious.

But all of that leaves Harry mostly alone. He doesn't feel so comfortable around the other Gryffindors, nor they feel comfortable around him. The boy can't really blame them. Everyone has a reason to be uncomfortable with his marriage. The fact that he is married to a man, to the Head of the Slytherin, a former Death Eater, their teacher – whichever it is, Harry cannot help, but feel unwelcome in his House.

Therefore, he is hiding a lot these days. While it is warm outside, he sits under his Cloak by the lake. When it starts getting colder, he hides in the corner of the Library or even in the Room of Requirements. He never returns to Snape's rooms before the curfew. He is not welcome there too after all.

Snape is… it is hard. The Potions Master treats him worse than ever in the class. No matter how hard he tries to chop, slice, dice or stir, he is never getting it right. Snape keeps telling him how inept, lazy and clumsy he is. He keeps pairing the boy with Malfoy who taunts him mercilessly until Harry cannot stand it anymore and hits him in the face.

That just earns Harry a week of detention and more verbal abuse from Snape. Harry scrubs cauldrons until the tips of his fingers bleed and sting. But it is worth it – to see Malfoys face.

But he is still unsure of what is worse, when his husband shouts at him or when he is being completely ignored, as it happens when Harry is in Snape's rooms. It's as if he were invisible. Is Harry really so disgusting, so horrible to even look at?

Is he really not good for anything?

More and more often, he thinks that things would have been so much better without him. Dursleys wouldn't have suffered of magical people invading their home if they hadn't been forced to have him. Sirius would have been alive. Even his parents probably would have been alive. Hermione and Ron would be able to enjoy their time together, not being forced to consider and include their poor, depressed friend. They wouldn't have been in danger just because they were his friends. And Snape would be free, not tied to an ugly, scrawny son of his enemy.

But Harry is trying very hard.

While everything is screaming at him to give up, to let go, he knows that he can't yet.

Yet.

3.

When the time comes, Harry Potter is ready to die.

Albus Dumbledore tells him the truth a day before it happens. It turns out that Tom Marvolo Riddle had split his soul into seven parts and made something called horcruxes. The Order had tracked down and destroyed most of them. There are only two left. One of them is Nagini, the other – Harry. He is carrying a piece of the monsters soul inside him and to destroy it Harry must die by Voldemort's hand.

It turns out that to be the hero and the Saviour of the Wizarding World the only thing he has to do is nothing. Harry has to allow Voldemort to kill him.

But it's all right.

Harry is ready.

Some days he wishes he had never been born at all anyway. Other days he wishes… but it doesn't matter. He does not have enough to make him hold to his life anymore. Hermione and Molly Weasley are crying and almost suffocating him in their arms. Not that they know what is really going to happen. They think that he is just going to face Voldemort, to fulfil his fate. Harry is grateful that they don't know the truth.

But it is going to be all right. He is going to save everyone, they are going to be safe and they are going to remember him with kindness. And that would be enough.

The battle is raging around them. Snape is by Harry's side firing hexes in every direction, dragging the boy with him. The-Boy-Who-lived feels worthless, he cannot do much. No one has taught him, how to fight properly and it is not his mission anyway.

Harry tries to concentrate on what he has to do and ignore the chaos, the madness around him. Death. Today death is ruling everywhere.

Harry feels when they are coming closer to Voldemort. The scar is hurting like mad, his head feels like it is about to burst open from all the pain.

One moment Snape looks down at the boy, he is a head taller than Harry is, and there is something unfathomable in his gaze and Harry feels like he should say something to Snape. But the moment is over too soon as the dark wizard jostles Harry out of the way of another hex and continues dragging him towards the Dark Lord.

Harry does not know what he wanted to say anyway and doesn't think that anything he could have said would be welcomed.

It happens very fast. He makes Voldemort laugh by throwing a couple of childish hexes at the Dark Lord. He tunes out 'the speech'. It's only point is that almighty Lord Voldemort is much better than him and everyone else.

Harry doesn't let the words to get to him. Those are his last moments; the boy has made his peace with that. He is resigned to his fate. He is not letting Voldemort's pettiness, cruelty, his ugliness to see him off to his last great journey.

Obviously, Voldemort has more wizards to kill tonight, so he decides that it is time for Harry to die.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The last words Harry is supposed to hear.

Then there is dark.

When he becomes aware of himself, Harry looks around and sees that he is standing at the bank of a lake, somewhere in a forest clearing. It is not Hogwarts, it is not anywhere in the Wizarding Britain. Somehow, the boy knows that. It is so peaceful there. Safe. It is a sanctuary.

Then Harry smiles for the first time in… well, very long time. His mother, father and Sirius are coming out of the forest.

Lily opens her arms and Harry runs to her and allows her to pull him into the first embrace from his mother that the boy remembers. James fingers are carding through his hair.

It must be Heaven!

"So beautiful, my child," Lily whispers. "They don't deserve you."

Harry looks up and sees tears in her eyes. Lily is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She looks happy and sad at the same time.

She reluctantly releases the boy that is shorter than she is and lets James to embrace him as well.

"I love you, Harry, I'll always will," James says. "Nothing can be compared to joy of holding your firstborn in your arms."

"It's time," Sirius' says and Harry does not understand for what. "It's time for you to return, Harry," the man explains pulling Harry in his arms. "I am proud of you. Be strong."

Harry shakes his head. Return? Return!

No.

He wants to stay.

"I'm sorry, it's not time yet…" Lily smiles sadly. "There are still things for you to do…" her smile widens then and the sadness is gone. "Something very important, Harry."

"There is NOTHING! NOTHING for me!" Harry shouts as the forest clearing and his parents fade, and once again, he is alone in the dark.

4.

Harry isn't sure how much time passes until he wakes up. Surprisingly the first person he sees is Snape looming over his bed.

"So you are awake," the man says with the same unreadable expression that he is often wearing. Harry is glad that he can't read his so-called husband, because he doesn't want to see man's disappointment, because Harry had stayed alive. Once again, against all odds. He just doesn't!

Harry has just realised that Snape would have been free, if he had died.

A wave of sadness washes over the boy. He wants to return to the peaceful place, to Sirius and his parents. Maybe he could…

"Poison…" Harry whispered his voice hoarse from not being used for some time and his throat painfully dry. Harry is so tired of hurting.

"What?" That definitely catches Snape's attention.

"You can," the boy rasps. "Make poisons."

Snape freezes, black eye boring into hazy green orbs that are slowly, but steadily filling with tears.

He must understand. It would be better for them both. Snape would be free and Harry would have his family.

No one would say that Snape is slow on the uptake. Potion Master's eyes blaze in anger and he grabs Harry by the collar of his pyjamas and shakes him: "How dare you… you… little, pitiful coward!" The man bellows and tiny drops of his spittle hits Harry's face.

Harry suddenly feels so angry. The boy gathers all his strength, puts his hand over Snape's hand and tears if off.

"How dare byou/b! You know nothing! NOTHING!

Since when do you care?"

Then the boy turns around and buries himself under the duvet as heart-wrenching sobs overtake him. He does not know if Snape stays in the room. He does not care who hears him. Harry has a right to have at least this, his bitter tears. A moment of self-pity.

When he wakes up again later, Harry concludes that he must have cried himself to sleep. This time he is not left in peace again. Madame Pomfrey hurries to his sides and starts casting diagnostic spells and forcing potions down his throat. When she is finally satisfied, the visitors start crowding in.

The Headmaster is there and the most of the Weasleys and his housemates and even Rufus Scrimgeour, the new Minister of Magic. God, but Harry had no idea that there was a new Minister.

Everyone is so happy that he is all right. Everyone wants to greet him. Everyone is so grateful and relieved. Strangely, it somehow rubs Harry the wrong way. Those are not the feelings he wants to explore, but their relief stings.

The only ones that are really welcome by his hospital bed are Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid though. And Madam Pomfrey is being kind of decent about everything.

Ron has become a hero as well. He is the one who stabbed Voldemort with the Gryffindor sword while the monster was still riding out the thrill of finally having disposed of The-Boy-Who-Lived.

Harry is happy for his friend, because isn't that something Ron has always wished for? To be something, someone? It is that Harry thinks that his best friend is nothing more than the younger Weasley boy is. Not at all. Harry thinks that Ron is a generous, good person, a good keeper, and a chess genius and many other things. However, he suspects that Ron himself sometimes dismisses all the things that make him so special.

Well, but then, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be well known in the Wizarding world, just because Harry doesn't want it. He doesn't begrudge Ron a bit of fame.

Harry doesn't see Snape until Madam Pomfrey releases him from the Infirmary three days later and he is forced to return to the chambers he is sharing with his husband. The classes have been cancelled for a week and Harry doesn't want to be anywhere where his schoolmates could come up to him and start congratulating the boy or call him 'their Hero'. For the first time since moving into the dungeons, Harry finds

Snape's rooms more comfortable than the other places.

He is relieved when the man doesn't order him to get out, Harry almost expects him to. Every time Snape stalks past Harry who is reading a book, curled up on the couch, the boy expects him to blow up. It doesn't happen.

Anyway, it feels like something has changed between them. It is very awkward. Harry catches the man watching him sometimes and sometimes Snape looks like he wants to say something, but then he stops himself.

The Potions Master has not yelled at the boy since Harry has returned from the Hospital Wing. Maybe it is so, because there are no classes. After all that is when he usually mucks everything up and gives Snape an opportunity to shout at him. Snape also gets the house elves to deliver food straight to their rooms. And mentions that if Harry wanted, his friends could visit them in their rooms.

"…Our rooms," he says, and Harry feels something flutter in his stomach.

From someone like Snape it is an awfully nice thing to hear and it makes Harry's life so much easier.

The only problem it makes the boy even more confused, adding to the confusion of being alive. He has not expected to survive after all. Harry suddenly realises that he had given up his life long before the Headmaster told him that he had to die.

A ball is held to celebrate the victory. Mrs. Weasley buys Harry new dress robes, despite his protests that he hasn't grown out of the one he bought for the ball during the fourth year. But she insists.

"You look nice, I guess," Ron admits and then blushes to the roots of his hair, which is already red, so it is quite a sight.

Harry himself has no idea what he looks like. He doesn't like looking in the mirror, because his mother, his father and Voldemort is all he can see staring back at him. Eyes, hair, the scar.

Harry does not want to leave the room at the night of the ball. At least he doesn't have to find a date, since he is married and, no matter how weird that is, Severus Snape is accompanying him.

He is very surprised when the Potions Master offers his arm though. Harry looks the man in the eye and doesn't see any scorn or disdain there, so he accepts and once again feels the fluttering in his tummy.

He thought he had accepted that Severus Snape would hate him forever, that all, he could do to make their life together bearable, was trying t stay out of his husbands way and annoy him as little as possible.

Snape being almost nice (for Snape) and even voluntarily touching him… it's just… it's big!

Turns out it can be an advantage, to have an intimidating ex-Death Eater who doesn't care for playing nice for a husband. The man has been intimidating young wizards and witches for about fifteen years and it shows.

Snape doesn't leave Harry's side. They sit at the table and more or less graciously accept congratulations (depends on who is doing the congratulating) and praise, but if anyone even tries to get too close or to touch Harry, they are glared at the way that makes the transgressor shiver and make themselves scarce.

Very soon, everybody realises that asking the Boy-Who-Lived-Again to dance is the wrong thing to do. Albus Dumbledore gives 'his boys' a reproachful look, after all they should be setting an example, but for once he is completely ignored. To Harry's relief, who is not much of a dancer and can't imagine himself waltzing with the Potions Master anyway and much less with anyone else.

Lately, the Headmaster has been acting strangely anyway. He has been giving him and Snape significant glances, talking in riddles, something about Gryffindor unity and Harry missing his friends. Whatever Dumbledore has been hinting at, Harry isn't getting it. And, honestly, he could not bring himself to care.

Hiding behind the table and his sullen husband is where Harry feels the most comfortable, if, as 'The Hero' he is forced to be present. Actually, Harry thinks that it's really nice. The boy feels safe and cared for. He likes the new, protective and caring (in his own way) Severus Snape. Likes him very much. So much that the boy feels his cheeks heating up as The Potions Master pours some water into his glass.

That night when they go to bed Snape is the first to fall asleep.

Harry turns towards the man, away from the built-in closet he usually faces, and looks at the man to whom he has been bonded for about seven months. Severus Snape looks very peaceful right now. Maybe he finally had gained some peace, with Voldemort's demise. That makes Harry's lips twitch a bit; it makes him feel good, that he had something to do with making it better for the man.

Severus' brows are dark, thin and arched; he has high cheekbones, long face, strong chin and pale complexion. And man's nose is just… very big. Nevertheless, strangely it suits him. There is something aristocratic about the Potions Master; Harry decides that the man looks impressive, almost regal. Snape is not pretty, not beautiful, but he is definitely handsome and has a strong presence. And smells good. Many mornings after waking up Harry had moved closer to Snape's side of bed and sniffed his pillow…

Harry squeezes his eyes shut, blushing furiously. What is he thinking? If Snape only knew!

5.

The school starts again. It doesn't worry Harry. His grades had been very good this year, since the boy has discovered that burying himself in studies is a very good way to take his mind off other things.

Harry holds his breath before the first Potions class since The Great Battle. He thinks they are getting on almost well these days. Snape does not seem so irritated with him and even does some little things that the young wizard cannot call anything else, but kind. He has not turned all Molly-Weasley sweet or chummy out of sudden, but Harry is not afraid of the man anymore and does not try to avoid his husband at all costs. He starts feeling comfortable being around the older wizard whom the boy keeps catching looking at him very strangely (Harry doesn't dare to say 'stare' even in his thoughts, since the Professor unlikely would appreciate if someone said that he has been staring).

But Harry doesn't mind. It is strange, because usually he hates when people ogle him. Snape, however… well, it feels like temperature increases threefold when the boy feels Snape's dark eyes on him, but somehow, he is all right with it.

Nonetheless, he is worried, because the Potions Class is where he usually is yelled at the most. Ron looks at his best friend worriedly. Harry tries a mile to calm the redhead, but doesn't quite manage. Ron reaches out and squeezes his hand under the table and Harry manages to smile for real. Ron had become very attentive to Harry since the Great Battle, as if he were trying to make up for something. Harry is not going to complain.

Professor Snape sweeps into the room, the black cloak billowing. The class grows silent immediately. He has trained them well. Harry squeezes his hands between his knees under the table to keep them from shaking. He does not want to be so nervous, but cannot help it. The anticipation is driving him crazy.

Harry can hardly breathe as the Potions Master spells the directions on the blackboard, then orders them to get the ingredients and stat working. Nothing so far. Harry desperately tries to ground the sunflower seeds and not pulverize them completely. He grips the pestle tighter afraid to drop it as he feels the familiar, dark shadow over him. God, but it's as if he has developed some kind of sixth-Snape sense, he is always aware of the man.

"Acceptable,"

Harry almost faints when he hears it. 'Acceptable'! It is like the highest prise from the stern Professor. More than Harry has ever hoped for. The boy lowers his head and lets the dark, messy bangs to fall over his face to hide that he's grinning like a loon.

When he looks up, Harry sees Ron looking at him with a raised eyebrow. He simply shrugs.

6.

Two nights later, it is again Snape, who falls asleep first. Harry had noticed that the other man had stopped coming to bed only after he has already fallen asleep and getting up before him. He isn't sure what to think about it. Harry is a bit wary, he does not dare to think too much of it, but cannot quit wondering if it is an offer of truce or something else…

The boy's eyes stop on Snape's hair. Raven black, next to Snape's it would be easy to tell that Harry's own hair is just very dark brown. It reaches just past man's shoulders and is very shiny. When he is so close, it is obvious that Snape's hair is not greasy at all, just very straight and smooth like water. That whole talk about greasiness, well, Harry thinks it is because when you really don't like someone you kind of find a lot of bad things to say about them. Besides, the same things that others think are nice about the person you might find distasteful. Like Weasley red hair and freckles.

Harry imagines that Snape's hair would be really nice to touch…

In a bout of Gryffindor-ish, recklessness, which the boy had not experienced for a very long time, he carefully pushes down his side of the duvet and sits up on his knees moving nearer to Snape's side of the bed and reaches for one of the dark strands, slowly and carefully…

"Eep!"

The Hero of the Wizarding World makes a very undignified sound as longer fingers close around his wrist… Harry has never noticed that his wrist is so narrow…

He is caught! What could be more embarrassing? The boy can't believe that he thought he would get away with it! Well, he wasn't thinking, clearly not, or he would have remembered that the man who was sleeping in the bed next to him was a former spy.

His blush puts a tomato to shame. Harry is sure about that. Still, he can't avert his eyes in shame; Snape's black ones are boring into his, sucking Harry's gaze into them like pools in a marsh a careless wanderer. He has been caught and is being kept captive. Snape keeps staring and Harry wonders what he sees, what he is looking for. Harry can hardly breathe and boy's traitorous heart once more has fled his chest and is frantically trying to crawl up his throat. And his cheeks… he is afraid that the blush will become permanent.

Harry bites his lip… the tension is getting unbearable. 'Come on, yell at me,' he wants to say. 'Just get over with it!'

Not even in his wildest dreams… Harry doesn't expect that Severus Snape will use the captured wrist to pull the boy on him. Harry gasps; looking down into the hypnotising eyes and just manages to steady himself by clutching at the man's shoulders with his small hands, when his lips are captured in a searing kiss.

A kiss that makes the hair on the back of Harry's neck stand up. A kiss that Severus somehow manages to dominate even from his position under the boy. A kiss that makes Harry's head spin. A kiss that makes him melt into the man's body as if he wanted to merge with it…

A kiss that leaves Harry hot and needy when it's over too soon and he is pushed off Snape, away, to his side of the too wide bed and the Potions Master stalks out of the bedroom.

A kiss that wakes such longing in him…

When Harry can think straight again, he wonders if he did something wrong. If his breath wasn't fresh enough or… he is really confused, because truly doesn't have much experience with kissing. The wet disaster with Cho does not count.

His thoughts are frantic. Running circles in his head, winding and unwinding everything that has happened, the words that have been said.

However, after some time exhaustion takes over and he falls asleep.

When Harry almost doesn't see his husband for the next three days, he really worries. The man doesn't even sleep in his own bed. Harry knows, because he is so worried that he doesn't sleep well himself. He thinks that maybe he should leave, because it is not fair that he has occupied the Potions Master's bed. After all, he doesn't need protection anymore. Voldemort is dead.

Besides, he has concluded that it is what Dumbledore has hinted at all the time. That Harry should return to his tower. The boy has been pretending not to understand.

Harry thinks that Snape is hiding in his office that might be a potions lab, or even both. He doesn't know, since he has been forbidden to go there.

In the evening of the fourth day, Harry can't stand it anymore. He has to know. If Snape has had enough of him and he wants the boy to leave, then he will leave. He can't live like this, he can't stand being kissed so nicely, so passionately and then ignored. Does he not deserve at least some clarity?

Tentatively the boy knocks on the door and waits. Nothing happens. He lets out a breath, takes another (a deep one) and knocks again.

When the door opens, Snape is standing on the other side of the threshold, looking at Harry down his nose, long arms crossed over his chest. Harry suddenly realises that since he is the one who knocked, he should also be the one to say something, which is hard, especially when the damned Master of occlumency is as unreadable as ever. He is well aware than Snape can hide his every emotion if he wants to.

Then Harry summons up his courage.

"If… if you want me to, I… I will leave," he gulps and is afraid to meet the man's eyes and see relief in them. "I mean, he's dead, right? Sir. I do not need anyone to protect me and you… well, you do not need me here too. I mean that if you don't want me he-here…" Harry's breathe catches, stumbles over the knot in his throat and there is nothing he can do, to stop the single, sad tear that rolls down his cheek.

The boy takes another deep breath: "I will go, if you don't want me."

When everything he wants to say is out, Harry lifts his chin and meets his so-called husband's eyes, trying to put up a brave front, in spite of his trembling lower lip.

Snape's arms are at his sides, clenched into white-knuckled fists, he looks menacing, and once again, Harry is afraid of the wizard. Only now Harry realises that Snape has never raised his hand to him.

However, Snape does not hit him. Instead, he crushes Harry against his chest.

"You imbecilic… you, little Gryffindor idiot," his breath is hot against Harry's ear and the arms hold him tight. "You can't imagine how much I want you… stupid, stupid…"

Soft lips caress the shell of Harry's ear and the boy rubs his cheek against the side of Snape's face that is a bit scratchy.

"How could I not want you…?" Snape mutters clutching the lithe body of his young husband. "I want you, want you too much… you can't imagine," the man lets out a shaky breath.

Gentle arms are running over Harry's body and he feels like… like flying for the first time, his stomach is doing somersaults, he is tingling all over.

"Severus…" the boy whimpers. "Severus…"

And he is swept up in strong arms and carried bridal style to their bedchamber. It is about fifteen paces, to cross their living room, for Harry. Much less for Snape. Very soon, Harry is deposited in the middle of the enormous bed and his husband's capable hands are unbuttoning his shirt while the man's mouth is feasting on Harry's lips.

Harry's own hands find their way into Severus' hair and cannot stop touching the silky strands that are as soft as he imagined. Severus' hands still at the button of Harry's jeans. He looks at the boy and asks if Harry is sure that he wants it.

Harry isn't, he still remembers the 'wedding night'. But he knows that this is different and knows that he can't show Severus his fear. Oh, the man looks like he wants to eat him alive and couldn't stop even if he wanted, the glazed over eyes look so funny, and Harry even feels it down there… but the young wizard has a suspicion that his husbands self-control might be just a tad stronger than his other… feelings. No, Harry is not going to show his uncertainty.

He might not be really ready yet, but Harry knows that if he would say 'no' now, there could never get there again. Therefore, Harry tells that part of him, which is doubtful to shut up and lets the one, that wants Severus Snape so much that it hurts, to do the talking.

"Please… yes…"

7.

Harry is warm and content when he wakes up the next morning. Enveloped in Severus' strong arms, he does not want to get up. The boy is sure that his husband has not changed his mind about them. Why would he? How could he? Still. The more he thinks the warier Harry gets. Snape is unpredictable like that. In fact, for Harry Snape is completely unpredictable.

The boy wonders, if it is possible to fall in love with someone one does not really know. Maybe now, they would talk more and he would get to know his husband? Or would it be presuming? He just desperately wanted to make this thing between them, work. Before the ceremony, Dumbledore told him that while they could take other lovers and live separately, a divorce was not an available option, if the couple was bonded the way they were – magically.

It seemed like the right thing to do. To make their marriage work, not to pull other people into relationship that could never be formalised. After the last night, Harry was hopeful.

And, indeed, he was not turned down. When Severus wakes up, he cards his long fingers through the boy's mess of hair and gently kisses the young man on his temple. Smile tuggs at the corners of Harry's lips. Severus Snape does not smile though. Harry thinks that for a moment he sees guilt in the man's midnight eyes.

Harry does not want Snape to feel guilty about anything, but he is not sure if he should say anything. He reaches out to caress Severus' scratchy cheek with his fingertips. They look at each other for a moment, then Severus sighs and pecks Harry on the tip of his nose.

"Go, use the bathroom, Harry," the older wizard orders and Harry does, thinking that it is still better than it was before.

And as days pass, the boy does not change his mind about it. Even if Severus avoids him during the day and refuses to look at him during the class. Harry understands; it must be awkward, to teach your own husband, or to be married to your student or to share the bed with someone you have seen grow up.

Not that anyone would ever try to accuse the Hogwarts Potions Master of favouritism. Unlikely. After the news about their marriage got out, The Prophet managed to accuse Snape of pretty much everything. Harry is quite sure that no one dared to say that the professor favoured him in the classroom.

No, the man didn't play favourites. At least not towards Harry. It still stings a bit, that Severus coddles Slytherins and especially Malfoy and is so unkind to Harry. But the boy tries to understand.

And, yes, even if Severus is somewhat distant during the day, every night the man joins him in their chambers, in their bed, and makes love to his young husband. 'Makes love'… Harry would never dare to call it in that word aloud, but he calls it that in his mind. The other terms all seem kind of crude and he kind of loves Severus anyway.

Harry is happier than ever.

Everyone is noticing it. Harry smiles more often, eats more and even looks positively radiant. He finds that it is easier to get on with other people and he is not so wary of them anymore. Neville becomes one of his favourite people, because he is just so undemanding and really relaxing to be around. The boy even talks Harry into helping him in the greenhouse. Neville is very serious about Herbology and is planning to do something with plants after Hogwarts. Harry thinks he will be good at it, certainly and digging in dirt is somewhat therapeutic.

Ron is very happy for him as well and spends more time with Harry, because (unbelievably) he breaks up with Hermione. Ron is very reluctant to talk about it. they never actually talk about those things, because they are both guys… or, maybe, just because Ron is not into talking about his feelings, because it makes him uncomfortable, and Harry is not into talking about his feelings, because the things he would have said would be too… too much. And he doubts that the redhead wants to hear about Snape anyway.

But in the end, Ron gets over his manliness and admits that he was the one who didn't want to date Hermione anymore, because they were fighting all the time and because she is so much smarter than he is, maybe. Not that he minds, if his girlfriend has more brains than he does. Ron just hated to be constantly reminded about it.

"All the nagging…" the tall boy grumbles. God, but he has grown so much, Harry feels like a little kid in the presence of his best friend.

"It is kind of, Ok, if she is a friend, you know? But for a girlfriend or something more... Seriously, mate, I doubt I could put up with it for the rest of my life. She reminds me of Mum too much." Ron shudders. And Harry understands. While Mrs. Weasley can be very nice with her motherly ways, but only in small dosages. Overbearing she is, that for sure.

They are sitting on the rug by the fireplace with a chessboard between them. Then suddenly Ron catches Harry's hand on its way to pick up a piece, to make his move.

"Harry…" he says looking in his best friends eyes. "I am happy that you are all right, Ok. Very happy. I thought… well, I guess, everyone thought, but I am so happy that we were wrong. So relieved. It's stupid, but I realised, how much you mean to me, when I thought that you were… gone. Bollocks! It takes something like that to realise how much you mean to us… to me."

Harry smiles. It's sweet.

Then the redhead does the strangest thing. He pulls Harry closer and kisses him on the lips. It's a sweet kiss, just lips. It is intimate, but there is nothing sexual in it. And when Ron embraces Harry and says he loves him, Harry understands him perfectly and answers with the same.

They are both alive and young and full of love. And they are going to stay best friends forever.

And there is Severus. He finally has someone. Severus Snape is his!

Yes, Harry really is happier than he has been for long time. Maybe ever.

8.

Something is not right. Harry tries to shrug off that feeling, but can't. He feels that something is wrong.

Severus is cold.

When he looks at Harry, the boy feel chilled to the bone. He wants to ask, what is wrong, if something has happened. But doesn't dare. He never dares, because they don't talk much. Snape is not much of a talker. He orders Harry to do things. Yells at him (well, not anymore, but used to). And sometimes, he whispers on Harry's ear, how beautiful he is, when they make love.

And that is it. Harry thinks that there are like thousand things they should discuss, but what they have… well, it's so fragile, the bond between them. He is afraid to do anything to endanger it. Only, sometimes he feels like he is afraid to breathe, as if anything could disturb the peace.

And apparently, something has.

Severus has not touched him for three nights.

It makes Harry to feel almost sick. Like his skin is covered with cold, sticky sweat, but underneath.

Foreboding.

He tries to ignore it. Tries really hard, but there is something big between them and it is not going away.

Finally, Harry decides to seek his husband out. He had learned that the Potions Master has a habit of staying in the classroom to correct the essays and tests. Especially when he is trying to avoid Harry.

The boy thinks that the Potions classroom might be kind of a neutral territory. They really, really should talk.

He walks down the corridor and stops at the classroom door. He does not think about knocking, it is a classroom after all, public space of sorts, and gently pushes the door. It opens softly, without making a sound. There is no creak echoing in the dungeons.

Harry stifles a laugh at the thought.

The boy peeks around the doorframe and…

He suddenly feels like he would never, ever want to laugh again.

Oh, God! Harry blinks, and blinks again. No! No! No! His mind is screaming. Harry doesn't believe his eyes. He almost falls back from the door with his back again the opposite wall of the corridor. No! Please, no…

But Harry knows that his eyes could not be lying, it does not happen like that.

Harry chokes on his tears as he is running back to their… to Snape's rooms. He just makes it to the bathroom, falls down on his knees and throws up in the toilet bowl. Harry shakes his head furiously blinking. He wants to erase the image from his eyes. The image of his husband, Severus Snape fucking Draco Malfoy over one of the front row desks.

Why… How? How could Severus do that to him? Harry has always thought that the man is unpleasant, antisocial, complicated…. Well, that he had obviously had hard life and become that way… But Harry has always thought that Severus Snape is honourable. Where it counts.

Harry cannot accept it, that Severus would… no…

Bet then… Draco Malfoy is his complete opposite. He is blond, with aristocratic features, perfect hair, and flawless skin. People call him the Slytherin prince and even some more interesting names. He is confident and knows his worth. Malfoy knows that he is gorgeous and even Harry must admit, that he almost radiates sexuality. And he is a Slytherin and good at the potions.

And who is Harry? What is so special about him after all? Except that, he manages to stay alive and even that is not something he can take all the credit for.

What does he have on Malfoy? He is short, scrawny, and near-sighted. His hair is a mess, a disaster. He is somewhat messed up and a Gryffindor. Moreover, he is James Potter's son. He should not be surprised that Snape has chosen Malfoy over him.

Nevertheless, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much! And they are married and Harry does not deserve to be treated that way! And he is sad, angry, and miserable…

Why? Why don good things do not last for him? Sirius… he has lost Sirius… and now Snape… no, but he never had Snape, so he could not loose him. Harry was deluding himself.

But no matter what, he hasn't done anything to deserve such treatment. To be betrayed like this. And with Malfoy of all the people… he can just imagine the blonde bastard laughing at his expense.

Harry suddenly feels so fed up, with everything, with everyone. He is fed up with their prise and their slander. He has had enough of being the Hero and the whipping boy, depending on the moods of the public. What is there for him? What does he have of his own? What is there for him to hold on?

Weasleys are actually Ron's, not his. Remus still belongs to Sirius' and to his pain and his curse. Ron… soon Ron will find a witch that will not nag him and will want to be hers. And magic, well, magic actually doesn't mean that much to him, not enough to make him happy. And his fame is not even worth mentioning. Harry hates his fame, even Snape, who enjoyed to taunt the boy with it, would grudgingly admit it now. It's that obvious.

Snape. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.

To think that Harry went along with everything Dumbledore told him to do. That he forgave the man his taunting and bullying. Probably, because in his heart he felt like he deserved all of it. As his punishment. For Sirius. But who was Snape to judge him to punish him? He has done worse, he's… Harry dry heaves. His stomach is empty, there is nothing inside that could come out anymore, but thinking about Snape with Malfoy, bent over the table, groaning, grunting, with his cock buried… it gives Harry cramps, it makes him sick.

He tried so hard. Harry tried to be there for his husband, to make it work. He wished for it so much. But Snape, Snape threw it all back in his face. He desecrated Harry's efforts, his sacrifices. God, but Harry hates the man. Really hates him now.

The pain and anger is twisting the boy's stomach.

He hates them all. Dumbledore for using him for his 'Greater Good'. Harry is not stupid; he knows what he has been for the Headmaster. Lately he had been able to think about things more clearly and his eyes have opened. He knows he has been used. Maybe Dumbledore did not have much choice; maybe it had to been done.

Harry could forgive the old wizard that. Nevertheless, he cannot forgive being kept in the dark; he cannot forgive not being given a choice. He cannot forgive Sirius' death. He cannot forgive the Dursleys. Now, he cannot forgive the man for marrying him off to Snape. It is just a bit too much. Too many 'mistakes' made at his expense. Harry does not believe they were accidental anymore.

And who said that he has to forgive? Why wouldn't he hold a grudge, just because he wants to?

He can't stay here. He has to get out. Hogwarts could have collapsed around him, that is what it feels like now.

Harry does not need much time to prepare, because he does not need much, not where he is going. He takes his old, scruffy schoolbag, stuffs his invisibility cloak, his photo album, some clothes and other necessities in it, and hides it under the bed. Then he gets ready for bed as usually.

The boy actually gets under the covers a bit earlier than usually; deluding himself, hoping that he would fall asleep before Snape returns. No such luck. He is a nervous wreck by the time he felt the other side of the bed dip. The boy pretends to be asleep, chewing on the sleeve of his cotton pyjamas to stop himself from starting to scream.

Harry is not sure, if it works.

He almost can't stop himself from showing any reaction as he feels something softly touch his hair. It is there and then it is gone. Harry wants to jump up and shout at the man. How dares he to touch him with the same hands that have been pawing Malfoy mere hours ago! He fights back the angry tears; Harry's eyes were red already from all the crying.

9.

It is easy.

Harry has a feeling that any moment now someone will stop him as he is walking towards the Hogwart's main door, hidden under his Invisibility cloak. But it doesn't happen. Not many are awake so early in the Saturday morning and those who are, he can easily avoid.

Harry does look back at the first place he has ever called 'home'. Then he turns his back to the old castle and strolls down the path towards Hogsmeade. He walks through the town still quite fascinated by what he sees. Every place makes him remember something or someone.

He is kind of saying goodbye.

However, when the boy reaches the outskirts of the village, he realises that he has no idea where to go from there. He doesn't have anywhere to go. Besides it is not easy to get anywhere from there if you are not a wizards. The lake on the one side and the Forbidden forest and mountains on the other side surround the school and the village. The town is a dead end as far as Harry knows.

One cannot get far on their feet, without using some form of magical transportation. Harry suddenly realises that he hasn't thought this through at all. He should have taken his broom at least, but he thought he couldn't take anything so large… he can't take the Knight Bus, someone would recognise him and they would know where he has gone. Should he go back into the village and find a fireplace?

He doesn't know, he has no idea, after all there isn't actually any place the boy really wants to go, he just needs somewhere away, safe and quiet, where he could carry out what he had decided to… for some reason Harry can't do it at Hogwarts… no, no, no! He can't go back, can't return to the place where no one really wants him, where he is just under they feet, where people whom he trusts, whom he loves, keep hurting him. Harry can't just stay there and wait for the next blow.

The boy closes his eyes. He doesn't want to cry now. He has to think. But doesn't quite manage; Harry is too upset.

And then suddenly it almost strikes him. He sees it in front of his closed eyes. The forest, the clearing, the small lake, where he met his parents and Sirius… that is the only place, where he wants to be more than anywhere. He needs to be there. The boy almost doubles over as the longing rocks his small body.

He falls on his knees. He takes a deep breath. Brushes the wetness off his face with his sleeve and opens his eyes… He is kneeling in soft moss, the air around him smell like it and putrescent leaves and pine needles… or something like that. Harry has grown up in suburbs of London after all and every time he had ventured into the Forbidden Forest the boy has had too many other things on his mind and no time to stop and smell the flowers, or moss.

When he lifts his eyes, Harry sees the same lake in front of him that he was imagining a moment ago. But he's not dead yet, so… so, the place must exist in the real world somewhere and somehow he had gotten himself there. Harry didn't use his wand, he doesn't really know, how to apparate yet, so… Not that he cares what he has done, as long as some Ministry wizard doesn't come and arrest him for using underage magic. He has a feeling that they will not; that what he did will not be traceable to them.

He gets comfortable in the moss on the bank of the lake.

Harry sits there for hours, watching the water, enjoying caress of the sun on his face and letting his thoughts drift.

But as the sun goes down, it starts getting colder and he gets up and looks around. There is something beyond the trees, something that Harry didn't notice when he was here for the first time. When he was sort of dead. It is a hut that instantly reminds Harry of Hagrid, he has to take a deep breath to quell the thought.

The door creaks as Harry pushes it open. It is obvious that no one has lived there for some time. The dust tickles boy's nose and he sneezes.

He looks around. There is only one room. The house is kind of shabby, but would be nice, if someone cleaned the small cabin and lit the fireplace. But Harry isn't planning to stay here for long. He has somewhere to be.

The boy takes the bag and empties it on the table. He is not sure why he took all those closes with him anyway. He is not going to need them where he is going. What he is looking for clatters as it falls on the wooden surface.

Harry thinks it is a beautiful piece, old fashioned. He took it from the bathroom cabinet after Snape did his morning routine, in case the man really used it. He personally thinks that anything would be more convenient than the old-fashioned razor, but no one could accuse his husband of taking the easy way or being convenient…

Harry bangs his fist against the table. He has no husband! No husband!

And it hurts so bloody much…

Probably that is why using the razor for what he has in mind, does not faze the boy much. Nothing could hurt him more than Severus Snape's betrayal now.

"Goodbye," he says to no one.

TBC

A/N: Please let me know, what you think. I have finished the story, but I am going to post it in parts to see, what people think of this and make adjustments, so please give me your opinion.