Chapter 5:

The fact that it would be so easy to drag me back to La Push had a large impact on my pride. I hated being weak. Not to mention I was always under heavy surveillance, I mean more than before. Whenever I wanted to go somewhere I would have to have a chaperone and I hated it.

I know the fact that I'm even receiving such treatment is partially my fault, but it still sucked! But on top of that I felt extra bad that because of my actions, Leah was not allowed to be left alone with me. There would always be someone within fifteen feet of me just so there wouldn't be any repeats of last week's performance.

*Sighs,* Leah and I were growing apart somewhat because we couldn't talk about things the way we used to because we knew that there would always be someone who could listen into my thoughts other than Leah.

The up side, however, about always being around someone was that I had an easier time learning about the pack. If my hate for being watched so attentively without any privacy did not exist, I would probably be happy for having friends that understood me, at least as much as I understood myself. Nevertheless, since there wasn't an equal return of the services, it wasn't always fun.

Finally, Paul had arrived.

"Wow, way to be on time" I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

"No problem, unless of course you'd rather I didn't come at all so you can have some alone time in your room?"

"Hah! Whatever, Jared would have taken me if you hadn't showed up."

"Jared man, I'm sorry I kept you from Kim." Kim was the girl Jared imprinted on. He was madly in love with her.

"Kim's out with the girl's today."

"So are you going go out to find her then?"

"Yeah, she said she'll call me when she's done." Not a moment later and Jared's phone rang.

"See Mira, right on time." Paul smirked.

"Whatever let's just go."

The beach was peaceful as usual and the weather wasn't too bad either. It was slightly windy, but in September that was expected.

"So Paul, what have you been up to?" I asked.

"What? Nothing, I was late because Sam had a meeting."

"And Jared wasn't invited?"

"Come on, you've been a wolf long enough to know that not everyone needs to be there."

This of course was true. The pack shared one mind and therefore had no secrets between each other.

"So?" I retaliated. "That doesn't mean he can't go."

"Please. You don't think we'd make it that easy for you to get away did you?" I shrugged off the remark.

"Anyway, the meeting was about you." Paul paused, to judge my reaction, I think. When he saw that my face remained blank he continued his talk. "You have one more year of high school left right?"

"Yes." I answered suspiciously.

"Well, Sam thinks it would be best for you to complete high school."

"And where would I complete it?"

"At Forks High School" Paul finished.

"What does it matter whether I finish high school or not? It's not like I'll ever be able to function in part of society."

"Finishing high school is very important, because even if you are a wolf, you still have human needs, and those needs have to be fulfilled by money. In order to get money, you need to complete high school."

"Ok… and what happens if I don't want to finish high school?" I challenged.

"Oh, you don't have a choice in that matter. However, you don't really want to depend on the pack for the rest of your life do you?"

I thought about this quickly and immediately decided that finishing high school would be highly beneficial. In fact, college was looking really good right now as well.

"Yeah, if you can afford it" Paul snorted.

"What was that?"

"It's getting late. Besides, on the way back to Sam's I have to stop by my place."

"Why?"

"Because." Paul answered before getting up. Then he held his hand out for me to help me get up. I reached out for it, but at the last second he pulled away.

"Ugh" I scoffed at him as he walked away. Again, he was barefoot wearing black jeans and his white unbuttoned shirt. I bit my bottom lip slightly and followed after him.

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By the time we had reached Paul's house the weather had turned and it had started raining. 'The again, it's a wonder the weather's not always bad around him.'

Paul must've been ignoring my thoughts because he didn't make any sound to my thought.

*BANG*

"Damn it Paul!" I said while rubbing my nose where the door had hit me.

"Oh, my bad" Paul smirked.

'Oh yeah, that was a complete accident' I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, any normal wolf would've caught the door before it hit them in the face. Besides, take it this as a bit of training advice; always be prepared and never let your guard down."

I snarled at him. He had purposely thrown the door back towards me, but then again…

"You know what Paul, you're right. I will take your advice and give you some back. Next time make sure to get insurance for your property."

Paul looked back on his door which had a dent from where it hit me and scowled, while I grinned widely at his expression.

He then turned around and headed into his home before he'd accidently damaged more property because of me.

I looked around Paul's place and saw a small living room and a kitchen across from it. Down the narrow hall I could see two rooms, the one on the right was Paul's, and what must've been the bathroom at the end.

Although the place seemed small and cozy, the atmosphere felt airy and empty, almost lonely.

Paul came out of his room and tossed some kind of black material to me, it was a backpack.

"You'll need that for um… school." Paul said as he watched me rummage through it.

"Um… thanks." I didn't really want to rely on anyone, but for some reason I felt really happy that Paul was… looking out for me.

"It wasn't my idea. Sam was the one thinking of you" Paul scoffed.

"Whatever" I shrugged. "So has Embry been staying here lately?" I knew that Embry didn't stay at home as much since his parents didn't know about him being a werewolf. So sometimes when he had to deal, he'd stay with Paul, who lived alone.

"Yeah he's been here every night for the last week. He's finally staying home tonight though; felt that he shouldn't just leave his parents like that."

I could almost sense the bitterness in his voice when he'd said the word "parents." I wonder how hard it'd been for those like Paul, those who were wolves and had jobs. Both Sam and Paul survived on their own salaries, but now with Emily around, I suppose Sam had some help. Paul, however, never had help. His parents were living in Lake Oswego, Oregon and he'd struck out on his own.

"How do you manage to hear Sam's call when you're at work?"

"It's easier now. All I have to do is listen for your excessively loud thoughts."

I blushed; he'd heard everything I'd just recalled.

"Why don't you just listen to your parents and go to college. Then you wouldn't have such a hard time" I asked.

"What's with all the questions when you know the answer?"

"I just think it's better if sometimes we could just tell each other what we feel, rather than have them know just because they hear your thoughts. Sometimes we need to use words to express ourselves."

Paul sighed exasperatedly. "It'd be harder for me to take care of my responsibilities for the pack if I went away, which is why I dropped out in the first place. Not to mention, I've been here since the ninth grade when my parents sent me away to reduce the 'talk' in society about their 'wild son.' And we're not going to talk about this anymore" Paul ordered as I'd opened my mouth.

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Without any further discussion Paul and I had left for Sam's place in the rain. He didn't have an umbrella at his house so by the time we were half way there Paul and I were already soaked.

I turned around to look at him dragging himself behind me. His black hair was soaked through, and his white shirt was sticking to his tanned skin. I could see his life as it truly was, a chance to have everything in the world, but he'd rather be soaked and be with his friends.

I turned away as he looked up towards me. Paul may have struggles, but at least he knows where he belongs.

"You could belong here too you know, in fact this is probably the only place you can be yourself." Paul said walking up to me and then towering over me.

Paul's eyes had something in them, a glint, shine, or something I hadn't noticed before. Then I looked away again. Staring was rude.

"What? Be myself? Here?" I laughed in amazement at the thought of myself plopping down on Sam and Emily's sofa, watching the next episode of 'Gossip Girl.'

"Paul, as long as I am here, I can never be myself. At least not while I'm surrounded by people that constantly remind me of things I don't want to remember."

I shook my head with a smirk and turned around continuing towards Sam's place. Everyone here, they were all the same; cautious that I might blow up or do something rash and insane like run away. What they didn't understand was that…

'You can stop listening in on my thoughts you know.'

But Paul didn't answer. He just kept walking.

'Maybe there is hope for him after all.'

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Thick black strands of hair tickled my watery eyes mercilessly until I brushed it out of the way. Still, the wind was relentless and continued to push strands of my hair onto my face again. Giving up, I put my hair into a low pony tail that was out of reach to the fast wind that cooled my face.

"We're lucky it's such a nice day" I commented, breaking the silence that stood between me and Paul.

"Could you shut the window, we have air conditioning" Paul said giving me a stern look.

"Hmp" I scoffed as I put the window up.

Paul and I were on our way to Seattle as promised by Sam and the council. Besides, I needed my school records in order to transfer schools, so Sam did not really have a choice.

Jacob, Quil, Seth, and I would be starting school on Wednesday September 24th, three days from now and I was not excited. It would be really hard to change schools before my last year, but I didn't have much of a choice.

"Jacob, Quil, and Seth are changing schools too."

"I guess" I sighed, looking out the window, watching each and every single tree pass by.

"Way to be excited for getting your wish to come true" Paul sneered sarcastically.

"It's not that I'm not excited, I'm just tired."

"Right, whatever, just next time remind me not to take you."

"Don't worry, I will. Life is much more pleasant when you're not in it" I smirked.

"Life was far more pleasant before you arrived" Sam muttered.

Not wanting to argue with him the entire way to Seattle, I sat quietly.

Finally after a couple of hours, the drive was over, and Paul and I were standing outside my aunt's house. Loud thuds could be heard through the house as my aunt approached the front door.

"Mira! Oh my Mira, I'm so glad you finally returned. I was beginning to worry" my aunt screamed as she squeezed me.

"And you, you must be Paul" she said as she stood aside so we could enter the house"

"I made your favorite! Fried rice with kimchi and samosas!" My aunt said pushing food towards me.

"Paul, my aunt Sun-Mi, auntie, this is Paul."

"Pleasure to meet you Ms Heights" Paul said with a genuine smile and a slight nod of his head. This provoked an open-mouthed gasp of shock from me. So Paul knew how to charm others. I looked away from Paul's obvious smirk with annoyance.

After a short while, I left my aunt and Paul in the living room and went upstairs to my room. Everything had remained the same since I'd left. The blinds were closed, keeping the room dark and dismal, the queen-sized bed was still unmade, the closet door was open, my laptop laid on my table next to a pile of papers, my wallet, my cell phone, two bottles of nail polish, and my journal.

I looked at the calendar on the wall, it read June. I'd left a week after school had ended, and now it was May. I walked over to the calendar and changed it to September.

I switched my attention to my black journal which lay under some books. Not wanting to cause a land slide, I lifted the books off, picked up my journal, and placed the books back in their original position. It'd been months since I'd written in that journal, but it'd felt like I'd just made an entry yesterday.

June 16th, 2008

I don't know what's happening. I've been having some strange dreams lately. My whole body has been sore, and I'm very temperamental. I yelled at my aunt this morning, and have not talked to her since. I feel absolutely terrible about it and I really want to apologize, but I wouldn't know what to say. I wish she knew that I'm sorry. I wish she knew that I love her.

Michael has been distant lately, and it's probably because I've been pushing him away. I got really sick yesterday, and when he came to visit I snapped at him saying I didn't need his pity. I don't even know why I said that. Then I called him today and apologized. So then we talked for another hour. Still, I don't know if Michael and I…

June 18th, 2008

What's wrong with me? I can't think, I can't breathe. Everything hurts. I freaking flew up to a tree today! Flew! As in with wings! Luckily no one saw me. Gosh, I don't know what's happening, and I just want it to end.

My aunt and I made up like we always do. Even still, things don't feel right. They never felt right. I have had thoughts, but I don't know if they're right.

I would ask my friends if they knew what was happening with me, but they're probably just as oblivious if not more.

Gosh, I'm lying! I can't even express myself in my journal.

Michael and I broke up today. Well, I broke up with him? Frick, I don't know.

June 20th, 2008

This is the last time I'll write in here for a while. I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't belong here. I know I've always been happy… no that's a lie. I never told the truth here because I was always worried that someone would read this.

Here's the truth. I love my aunt and she loves me, but she does not make up for my parents, she never did. Still, I'm grateful to have her, because she's been my best friend forever. Auntie, if you ever read this, I'm so sorry, it's not like how it sounds, I do love you with all my heart, but I…

Here's another truth. I never liked Michael really. He was just there. He's amazing, and hot, and all that, but…

I'm leaving tonight. I'll turn and then start running towards the coast, then down to Cali. If I can't figure out how I feel while I'm here, then I don't know if here is where I should be. I don't know who I am, I don't know where I belong. I don't even know anyone that wants me. My aunt wants me to stop turning. She said she's worried for me. In reality, she's scared of me.

I almost killed Michael today. He almost saw me, but I stopped before I revealed myself to him. I wonder if there are others out there like me, or maybe I'm supposed to be alone.

I hate myself for being this way, but I can't be with people that can't accept what I am, and who I am. And no one can accept who I am until I find that out for myself.

I shut the journal and threw it onto my bed. Reading my strange and confused thoughts made me feel insecure and annoyed. I hadn't changed much since I'd left. I still didn't know who I was. If someone asked me to describe myself, I wouldn't know what to say. What am I? Who am I? I'm an idiot for not knowing even that. I hate myself for being so confused.

"Let's go to your school" Paul said standing outside my door.

"Yeah," I replied still in my daze of thoughts and confusion.

"You okay?"

Finally, I turned to face Paul, grabbed a suitcase and started filling it with clothes. When my bag was full, I grabbed my wallet, cell phone, and laptop off the table.

"Let's go." I gave Paul an unsure smile and walked past him out of my room.

After the farewells were said along with promises to return as soon as possible, Paul and I were on our way to my old school.

We cruised down the roads until we came to a stop at a building with a flag post and glass doors. Finally I noticed the building itself and looked up at the sign which read, "Ballard High School."

The place was recognizable, yet unfamiliar. It'd felt like it was so far away.

'I didn't go here, I never did.'

I looked around the old building with brown bricks. The place had a certain gloom to it. Walking closer and closer to it, I felt as if I was trespassing. "No parking" signs stood slanted around the sidewalk. "Beware" was smeared in black on the bike rack near the entrance. The place was cold and cruel. The friendly ambiance I had once thought to have surrounded this school did not exist.

I stood closer to Paul and walked on.

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In the last hour of the drive back home, I felt grateful. I thought back to my journal. Everything in there was a lie except for the last entry. Nothing was as I remembered.

Rain drops poured onto Paul's black Ford SUV, a present from his parents in Lake Oswego, Oregn, where the grass was always green, and the people were always cruising in the bright blue oceans. So why was Paul in La Push, when he should be in Lake Oswego?

I looked to him for an answer, but he didn't say anything, which meant he probably did not want to answer.

"You got what you wanted. So what's with the frown?" Paul finally spoke up.

"If you were asked to describe me, what would you say?"

"Are you sure you really want me to answer that?" Paul said smirking.

"I know that you're the only one that'll tell the truth to my face." I replied. This comment pulled the smirk right off his face. He wasn't expecting such seriousness.

"I'd say you're spoiled, hella annoying, and downright bitchy all the time" Paul said staring at the road.

I looked back at him in slight shock. Was that how he truly felt?

"You didn't ask me about how I felt. You asked me how I would describe you" Paul said with a smirk back on his face.

"No! I meant, what kind of personality… oh never mind." I frowned and turned to face the window with my arms crossed.

"I'd say you're spoiled, hella annoying, down-right bitchy" Paul started again.

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"I'm not finished" he said. "And, you're confused, lonely, but fun to mess with."

"Thanks, I think." I said giving him a weird look.

Silence came back with a vengeance as I stared off into space with thoughts.

"Mira" Paul called, breaking the silence.

I turned to face him again, only this time my eyes drooped from exhaustion.

He sighed then pushed my head against the window in exasperation.

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When I woke up, we were in Sam's driveway and Paul was unpacking the SUV. Once he finished he walked around to me and leaned against the door that separated us.

"Finally awake? Did I mention you snore like a baby?" Paul smirked.

I gasped in anger and embarrassment. "I do not snore!" I whispered vehemently.

"Yes you do, and wipe the drool off your cheek. I don't need it staining the seatbelt" Paul said grinning like a bobcat.

"Ugh" I groaned wiping my cheek and getting out of the car.

"Anyway, uh, thanks" I muttered at my feet while trying to walk past Paul. Unfortunately he was blocking the way.

"You're welcome" Paul said chastisingly.

"Yeah, yeah." I tried to walk past him again, only to collide into him.

"Er, do you mind?" I asked making gestures for him to move out of the way.

"You don't belong in Seattle, you never did" Paul said, this time seriously, but in a way kindly as well. It was strange. I looked into Paul's eyes; again, there was a certain glint in them that made me shiver slightly.

"W-well, there's the whole world out there waiting for me. So one down, a billion more to go," I half-joked.

"You keep telling yourself that. But soon you'll find that anywhere you go without a connection to the pack will be incomplete and lonely." Then Paul gave a half-laugh and looked down at me again. "Besides, there has to be some part of you that accepts this place, because if there wasn't, you'd be free from this pack… you're only here because you belong here."

With that Paul allowed me to leave his presence and walk into the house. I stared back at him only to see him drive away.

"You're just taking slightly longer than I did."

Paul found where he belonged, with the wolves. I walked straight past Emily and Sam, who were sitting on the couch cuddling with each other, and walked to my room. I dropped my bag on the floor and chuckled slightly.

'Belonging with the Wolves? Yeah right.'