Disclaimer: Same as always!

Bed, Bath and Beyond

Sometimes even I can't believe the situations I get myself in. Currently, I am standing in our bathroom, naked, half in and half out of the shower and…wait for it…handcuffed to a shower rod. Strangely, this was my idea; I actually implemented this clever plan. Our shower doesn't even require a rod so I had asked Hector to install one this morning shortly after Ranger left for an off site meeting. Hector gave me some strange looks but for some unknown reason he's loyal to me and I knew he would ask no questions. Well, he might, but I don't understand him. We're both satisfied with this arrangement.

What facilitated this brilliant idea, you ask? I might as well tell you. I've been freezing my ass off for over forty minutes with my left arm hiked over my head, so it seems I have plenty of time.

It appeared I had acquired yet another stalker last month. Ranger had called a staff meeting with myself and his core team so we could pore over the files of all of my skips since the beginning of my BEA career to see if we could narrow down the list of suspects.

It turned out my stalker was not an FTA, but a harmless teenage boy with a crush. He worked part time at the Tasty Pastry. So not my fault. Ranger had a "little talk" with him. I'm not sure what exactly went down that day but my stalker has ceased being a problem. I asked Lester what happened and all he said was, "Mr. Pissy Pants won't be bothering you anymore." And then he cackled like a lunatic.

But I digress. While I was studying my portion of files, I came across a very familiar name: Joseph Morelli…my very first FTA. I wasn't quite sure why Connie included him in the pile since I knew, without a doubt, he was not my stalker. Probably she thought she was being funny.

Just for kicks and giggles I went through the file and noticed the date I turned him in. I counted back and figured out the date I removed his distributor cap and in turn became a hostage in my own shower and was forced to call Ranger for assistance. I realized that the 17th of next month would mark the four year anniversary of that auspicious occasion.

Since we have been together, Ranger has admitted that he had not only fallen victim to impure thoughts about me when he came to my rescue, but he has had many fantasy scenarios play out in his head ever since.

Come to think of it, that man has a never ending and very specific list of fantasies that would make your hair curl, or straighten as the case may be. I think I know now where Ranger's mind goes when he is in his zone: Ranger's Emporium of Pornographic Delights. He's a menace.

Crap, my fingers are starting to tingle.

Anyway, I decided that since this particular fantasy seemed fairly tame in comparison, I would surprise him on the four year anniversary of the original occurrence. I pictured him walking in, raking his eyes up and down my body in feral lust, unlocking the cuffs (or not!) and having his way with me.

He was supposed to be home 50 minutes ago.

As I was examining my left armpit and noticing I had missed a spot…repeatedly, I heard the locks tumble on the front door. I quickly leaned back as far as I could into the shower and turned on the faucet quickly to get the proper "wet look". Okay, I was going for the sexy, glistening look but I would actually settle for bringing my afro down a notch. I'd done this twice already and I couldn't reach my gel. My hair was beyond scary. I shut off the water, struck my best "damsel in distress" pose and called out, "In here!"

The door swung open….

Holy Housekeeper!

It was Ella.

I swung myself into the shower as far as I could go while still tethered to the shower rod and turned on the water.

"Sorry, dear! Just came to deliver some towels."

"Mmm-kay!"

I tried to tuck myself tighter into the shower but all I succeeded in doing was to drag the metal of the cuffs along the sturdy metal rod eliciting a bone chilling screech ten times worse than fingernails on a chalkboard.

Ella backed out of the linen closet and reached under the sink to grab a new bottle of Bulgari body wash.

"Do me a favor, dear? I noticed when I cleaned the shower yesterday that Ranger was running low." She handed me the bottle as if I were fully clothed and standing in the kitchen and she was passing me some milk.

As I took the bottle from her she asked, "Will there be anything else?"

I am absolutely floored by the level of this woman's professionalism!

"I'm good!"

She turned to leave. She stopped and called over her shoulder, "Dinner at 6:00?"

"Ummm. How about we play that by ear."

"Of course, dear."

And she was gone.

I thunked my head against the shower wall. What must she think of me? She already knows I'm over-sexed. She's taken to purchasing sheets in different colors and I believe she did it in order to send some sort of message. I'm mortified by the fact that the woman is privy to evidence of our lust each time she makes our bed. It seems that every time we turn down the comforter and there is a new color of sheets on the bed, she's shaking her matriarchal finger at us and saying, "I know what you filthy children are up to. Again!"

Even worse is the fact that Ella is friends with Ranger's mom. Surely she wouldn't tell her she found me chained up like a love slave in our den of iniquity…uh, I mean our shower. You have no idea how many candles Ranger's mother already lights for me at Mass. I can't be held responsible for burning down a church.

Now my entire left arm is starting to get that pins and needles sensation. I look back at my armpit. How could I miss that spot that many times? Another week and I could get a braid going.

I jerked my head up from my examination when I heard the locks on the front door tumble.

I swing back in a misguided attempt to drown the exploding buffalo perched on my head.

"In here," I call out coyly.

The door swings open…

Holy naked nightmare!

It was Tank. He staggered back, eyes glued to my breasts. Then he slapped his hand over his eyes, bumped into the door frame and fell on his ass.

"What the Fuck, Bombshell?!"

Shit. This is so not going as planned. I tried to figure a way to cover up with only one arm and came up empty. I could cover both breasts but leave my doodah exposed, or I could cover one breast and my doodah. But if he could see one breast, he would be able to deduce what the other looked like. Damned matched set. I twisted around to put my back to him instead. "Um…is Ranger back yet?"

I heard nothing but shuffling so I turned my head over my shoulder to see Tank still on the floor with one hand over his eyes and the other digging desperately in his pocket.

He was muttering something 'not answering the damned phone' and 'keys'.

I sighed. "Tank, I don't need you to uncuff me."

His hand dropped and his eyes popped open for a second before he bunched his fingers up against his eyes and appeared to be pressing them inward. He seemed to be trying to squish them in. I could hear squeaking noises. In a strangled voice he said, "What the fuck kinda games Ranger got you playing! This aint right! Fuckin' deviant. He's been gone since this morning!"

He appeared to be hyperventilating.

"Tank…uh, I did this. It's supposed to be a surprise."

"Jesus, Bombshell. Ranger's gonna kill me."

"Why?"

"I've done seen you naked, that's why! Christ. This is awful."

Okay, I may not be Elle McPherson...maybe more like Jennifer Anniston with J Lo's ass, but come on. I swiveled, unsuccessfully trying to get a gander at my own ass.

"It can't be that bad!"

Tank had crab walked around the doorway and was now on the outside of the bathroom. All I could see was his mammoth left leg and a shiny combat boot. "Bombshell, you put together right nice from what I saw. But I saw it. Ranger's gonna put my head on a pike when he gets home. Lula too, for that matter."

I said in a small voice, "We can swear each other to secrecy."

"Fine. But he finds out, I aint bein' all chivalrous and shit about this. You gotta take the blame."

I huffed indignantly.

"I'm the victim here," he exclaimed.

"Scared of Ranger much?"

"Shit. You want me to call him and see what his ETA is?"

"Could you? I think he's been calling but I couldn't get to the landline and I left my cell in my purse."

"You don't have the key to the cuffs?"

"I tossed it on the counter… and it fell in the sink… and went down the drain."

I heard him snort.

I saw him rise up and cross the bedroom to my purse. He rooted around for a bit before pulling out my cell. He backed up to the bathroom door, placed the phone on the ground and kicked it backwards towards the shower. After performing some Cirque du Soleil maneuvers, I was able to grab the phone and place it on the ledge next to my razor.

I heard the atonal beeps of him speed dialing Ranger from his phone. Then he put the phone on speaker.

"Yo."

"Yo, man. What's your ETA?"

"You my wife?"

I heard Tank growl. "Look, there's a situation with Bombshell and-"

"Explain," he bit out.

"She's fine…she's on 7. I think she's…uh…shit. When are you going to be here?"

"In about twenty minutes. What the hell's the problem?"

"Dude, you just need to get here and take care of some things."

Click!

"He fuckin' hung up! How do you live with that man? Got no manners. His mamma raised him better-"

"Tank, why don't you just go ahead and go. He'll be here soon and I'm sure you don't want to be here when that happens and I'll be fine and…Tank? Hello? Helloooo?"

Guess he left. Hmmm. Maybe I can get that spot I missed in my pit. Crud. I could reach my razor but I dropped the soap. A little dry shave might be in order. Surely he'll show up before the razor burn rears its ugly head.

Another thirty or so minutes have passed and a new situation has developed. Not only is my entire arm numb and throbbing, but now I need to pee. I'm sure Ranger will be up here any moment but that might put a damper on my seduction scene. "Hey baby, can you uncuff me…so I can tinkle? No?"

Who could I call? I tried to think of a Rangeman who I barely knew. Maybe cut down on the embarrassment factor. Rodriguez came to mind but knowing him, he'd show up while I was blinking, bring me up a pile of searches, and disappear before I opened my eyes. I called Hector.

"Hola?"

"Hector…I need some help."

Click!

What the hell? I started eyeing the shower and debating the merits of turning on the water and relieving myself there. Ick.

All right. Think of something else. Hmmm. I wonder if Ranger will leave me handcuffed and have his way with me. Or maybe he'll uncuff me, throw me over his shoulder and toss me on the bed caveman style. He'll grind his groin into mine, pressing his hard length against my….bladder! Mayday, mayday! Peeing is imminent! I'm about two minutes from a urinary disaster!

Suddenly I heard the locks tumble. Thank God!

"Beautiful, are you okay-"

"NO!!"

Too late. Lester swung the door open and stared at me unabashedly. It seemed to take a minute for him to find his tongue. It was hanging out of his mouth. Apparently, he did not feel any sort of fear or respect of the wrath of Ranger.

I was dancing on my toes, clutching my breasts in order to minimize jiggling and swinging this way and that so he couldn't get a good look. I hoped.

He leered at me and winked. "Is this for me?"

"No!"

"Ranger leave you like this? Cause I gotta say, if I ever got you cuffed up like this in my apartment, I don't think I'd ever want to leave."

"Lester."

His eyes dropped down "Cold?"

"Lester, I have to pee!"

"So I shouldn't tickle you when I unlock you?"

Uhn!

"Just close your eyes, walk forward two steps and hold your key out."

"Are you crazy?! I'm not closing my eyes!"

"Santos, focus! Ranger is going to be here any minute. If you don't close your eyes and hand me the damned key, I'm going to tell Ranger you did this to me."

"Geez, Beautiful. Why do you hate me so much?"

I unlocked myself, slammed the door in Lester's leering face, peed like Austin Powers, threw some gel in my hair and spritzed on some Dolce Vita. I recuffed myself, only this time, I decided to cuff my right hand. My left arm no longer has any feeling in it.

"Okay Lester, you can go now. Lester? Helloooo?"

Fine. Good riddance.

A couple of minutes later, I heard the locks tumble yet again. At this rate, I was expecting the entire Trenton Police Department, my mother, Joyce Barnhardt, Morelli and Bob the dog to come waltzing in.

"Babe?"

Sigh.

"In here."

At this point, I no longer needed to act like a damsel in distress. I wanted Ranger in here more than I wanted a Doomsday orgasm. Well, actually I wanted him in here for a Doomsday orgasm, but you know what I mean.

The door swung open and my eyes locked on his beautiful chocolate ones. I heard his breath catch a moment before I saw his eyes go black.

I watched his eyes take in the newly installed shower rod, my cell phone and the key. I could see the moment he realized I had set up the scene.

He stepped forward slowly, raking his eyes over me, taking in every inch. Thank God for the dry shave! He lifted a hand and cupped my cheek. His other hand threaded its way through my hair and he whispered his lips across mine.

The hand that had cupped my check traced lightly down my neck, along the outer curve of my breast, skimming the inward curve of my waist before he used a single finger to deliver a delicious stroke low across my abdomen. My stomach muscles to contracted reflexively. He whispered in my ear, "So beautiful."

I moaned.

And then he left the room.

What the hell?!

After a few minutes he came back and I could see he had something in his hand. The key? I already had a key.

He dropped to one knee before me.

Oh God.

He took my left hand gently in his own. He looked solemnly into my eyes and said softly, "Stephanie. Marry me."

What? Did I crack my head in the shower reaching for my razor?

"Please."

Holy Matrimony!

"You can't be serious."

His head dropped and I heard him expel a dejected sigh.

"No Ranger…I mean, YES! But…look at me."

He lifted his head and looked into my eyes again. It took my breath away when I saw the love, confusion and insecurity in his expression.

"Ranger, I mean…look at me!" I waved my left hand around wildly; displaying my body like a prize by a hostess on the Price is Right. "I'm naked and I'm handcuffed to a shower rod! This can't be my proposal! What will we tell our kids?!"

His eyes softened, he smiled and it seemed as if all the tension in his body rolled away.

"Babe, it's perfect. Your perfect. I was waiting for the perfect moment. You gave it to me. You give everything to me."

He took a firm hold of my left hand and slipped a stunning diamond ring on my finger with damp, shaky hands. Once the ring was in place, he laid a tender kiss on the stone, and then turned my hand to lay a sensual kiss on my palm.

Still on one knee, he looked up at me and whispered, "Do you want me to take off the cuffs?"

I smiled a watery smile at him.

"I do."