Night-listener

Disclaimer: Not mine!

Spoiler: a bit of Hunter

Rating: T

Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay have a long chat in the middle of the night...

Feedback: Please do! Makes my day.

Note: This is a translation of my german fic 'Nachtgespräch', but it´s only the first part out of three, so if you want me to post the rest, please let me know...

Part one

Monday

They played a game.

He tried to make her talk to him, so that he was able to help. And she tried to keep everything to herself. If possible she even tried to hide the fact that she was miserable. It was an old game. They played more often, than Kathryn could´ve count. And it was a game, wherein she became less and less successful, as she noticed with a self-deprecating smile. Although she had so many practice in that game since her study-time. She actually had been pretty good at it. She was never that kind of a woman showed her emotions...

Chakotay of course could see beyond the walls that she had built around herself right from the start, more often than she liked to admit. He seemed to sense it, if she was in a bad mood and he always was there waiting patiently until she was ready to talk it trough with him. His calmness was his greatest weapon... From the beginning he wait for her after the meetings, he watched her with his reposeful eyes until they were alone and then she could decided if she either wanted to talk to him or leave. Later, he sat just a bit closer to her on her couch than usual while they read reports in silence. Or he invited her for dinner in his quarters or waited outside her door with a rare bottle of wine.

'It was safe to eat with him' she always assured herself while she allowed him entrance almost automatically.

'It's just dinner. Nothing serious. Just two people eating.'

Then he smiled and she thought: 'Ensign Walters died, because I didn´t protect him' or 'We are running out of supplies.' or just 'I´m scared.' and 'Please hold me.'

He was there for only a minute and she already had to bite her lip to stop her from blurting out her fears. It was ridiculous how weak he made her with nothing more than a smile. Later he sat next to her chair and wiped the tears from her eyes because he´d said something about Spain and suddenly Kathryn had remembered that Wilson´s favorite place to go had been Spain...

But this time she would stay strong, she had no words for what she was feeling right now.

Kathryn wasn´t surprised, when she found Chakotay sitting on her couch, facing her door.

He hadn't been on the bridge, when she came back from the engineering. Besides he had told her, he needed to talk to her in private, before B´Elanna had called her to meet her at the engineering, so Kathryn had taken the opportunity and fled. She knew that he would wait for her afterwards; she just needed time to put herself together. She would lie to him, there was no other way, if she didn't; she would break down and cry... Weird, just two weeks ago they both had sat on his couch and he had been crying. She had been on his lap, his head nestled on her shoulder and his arms wrapped around her as if she had been his only hold while her hands had stroked his back in the desperate try to soothe him... And today she couldn´t even stand his hand on her shoulder without wanting to cry... That wouldn´t be easy.

Two weeks before

She had known that something was wrong as soon as she had seen him in front of his window, back to her and facing the darkness of space arms pressed along his body his hands in fists.

"Chakotay?"

She became uncomfortable. Since she arrived, he neither had turned around nor noticed her anyway. Carefully she stepped behind him and placed her hand gently on his shoulder.

"Chakotay?"

"She would be 28 by now." his voice sounded flannelly. He still refused to look at her but stared out of the window.

"Instead she died. They're all dead. I think I just realized that today totally- Stupid, right?" with those words he turned around. She could see that he had been crying. His eyes were red and his cheeks damp. Then he looked out of the window again.

Oh Baby... Without thinking about the consequences she wrapped her arms around him and nestled her face against his back.

"I´m so sorry, Chakotay, so sorry." Only two month ago they had received the first messages from home after four years. But not only good ones. Especially for the former Maquis-crew. Because while they had been lost in the Delta-quadrant most of the follower of the Maquis had been murdered by the Cardassians many of them, Chakotay´s friends. Kathryn had asked herself when Chakotay would give into his grief. He had been strong for so long.

After she had hugged him a few moments she directed him to his couch. They sat down next to one another and he talked about his friends. About Bran and Mindo, who were close to him like brothers. Or Andrus- Or Pilla, who would celebrate her 28th birthday today.- So many names, so many losses.

"And I wasn´t even there to help them- to protect them" his voice cracked. "I should have been there, I should have..."

"No, then-"

'-then you would´ve died to.' was all Kathryn could think of. And for the first time since they stranded in this damn quadrant, she was grateful for that stroke of fate.

Monday

"I won´t ask."

"Excuse me?" she looked up confused.

"I won´t ask."

"Ask what?" she raised her brow in question.

"I refuse to ask, how you are feeling." he said with a straight voice.

She remained silent.

"Which would be useless anyway, right? You would only say that you're all right."

"Because it's true."

"No. because you believe, you can lie to me." he told her calmly.

Kathryn would have preferred, if he screamed at her. Then she could have told him that he had overstepped his bounds and thrown him out. Now she would only seem hysterical if she did so. So she remained silent and waited.

"You should talk to somebody."

"There´s nothing to say." she replied without looking up.

"You´re a horrible liar, Kathryn."

"Excuse me?" yet she looked at him.

Chakotay´s adrenalin was as high as if he would fight against the Borg, though he was able to keep his voice calm.

"You're depressed."

He could see how Kathryn´s eyes became dark with anger.

'Don´t lose your nerves, old man. She´s listening now, so be calm and don't mess this up. - Or she would have his hide.

Without allowing her time to respond he added: "You should talk to someone. Perhaps, you could talk with Tuvok or with me, a holographic shrink, if you prefer. The main thing is that you talk"

She shot him a death-glare.

"There is nothing to talk about, so shove yourself your shrink where the sun don't shine, Commander!" she gritted between closed teeth.

"You don´t sleep, you don't eat and you detach yourself from everything. We care about you. We all do...- Damn it, Kathryn. You are so thin that I am scared to break you by touching you.

Now he had lost his temper. He stood up quickly in front of her, his hands resting on her desk and bent forward to look her in the eye directly.

"So let me say it otherwise." he hissed. "You WILL talk to somebody, because I´m not going to loose you without trying to prevent it!"

"What gives you the right to talk to me like that, Commander?"

"What gives me the right?- First of all as the first officer on this ship I´m responsible for the well being of the crew, which includes the well being of the Captain as well. And second you´re my best friend and I-"

'-love you.'

All his anger faded and he had trouble breathing.

"...and I care about you." he ended lamely.

"There is nothing to say-" her rage had faded as well. "I can´t- It´s not possible... I... There is nothing to say, Chakotay

"Why not?"

She looked down.

"Is it a secret? Or is it against the rules?"

Silence.

"Maybe you would be able to talk to me if I wouldn´t remember the chat afterwards?"

"How should that work?" she asked and glanced at him.

"There is a kind of trance wherein I could talk to you and everything we speak of I would forget as soon as I leave this trance." he explained.

"We could share a vision, only we won´t search for it, we´ll create one..."

"I don´t know...I..."

"Kathryn." he pleaded. "Just give it a try!"

"Ok!"

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