Our Father in Nirvana (and Thy Son on Earth)
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
A/N: God damn it. To hell with the original story, I'm in my fanfiction swing and I'm not getting out! Off! …WHATEVER!!
Synopsis: After foolishly wondering aloud why Konohagakure insists on celebrating his father's birthday and death-day with such drama and splendor, Naruto finds himself in Nirvana, courtesy of the Sandaime's botched jutsu. But that's not all—it's one soul for another in the Afterworld, and Minato finds himself occupying the body his son left behind. Meanwhile that old coot Sarutobi has the gall to go and die on the father-son duo, and leave behind a successor (Tsunade) with no idea of how to break his spell.
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It was a bright day, sunny and gorgeous. Well…it was a bright, sunny day. That part is true. And oh, boy, was it sunny. You could've cracked an egg on the pavement and made an omelette, not that you'd want to eat it. It was on the pavement, and it was just too sunny.
"This is insane," Sakura panted, squinting up at the sun, "Isn't there some law that prevents a day from being this hot?"
Kakashi peeled off his mask (to hell with secrecy, it was too freaking hot!) and fanned himself. "No, but there is one that prevents me from stripping in public, which is the only reason you aren't scarred for life now."
"I don't think it's that bad," Sasuke said calmly. The pink haired kunoichi and his sensei turned to glare at him. But it was true—the Uchiha didn't seem fazed at all by the heat.
Naruto walked up to them at their rendezvous point, holding an ice pack to his head. "Heya Sasuke, Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei! Yo, Sasuke! I see you took my advice!"
"What advice?" Sakura asked immediately, and Sasuke made cut-throat gestures at Naruto. The oblivious idiot rubbed the back of his head, frowning. "I told him to stitch the inside of his clothing with ice packs."
Kakashi and Sakura turned towards the black haired boy.
"What?" he asked, "You actually thought I could stand this temperature just 'cause I'm an Uchiha? We're cool, we're not that cool."
"It's too flinging flanging hot!" Naruto whined, "Even with the ice-packs and everything! Sane people would be indoors in air-conditioned rooms, not burning to death!"
"It's the Yondaime's birthday," Kakashi said sternly, "He's your father, and you of all people should appreciate this day. Konohagakure is celebrating!" he waved at the street full of sweaty, dehydrated citizens. It was supposed to be a fair, and it was, in the same way that Sai was a perfectly normal, straight boy.
And he wasn't.
Naruto scrutinized his sensei. "Are you appreciative of this day?"
"No fucking way, are you kidding me? It's freaking more than a hundred and ten degrees and I have to wander around a fair that's about as much fun as washing gym socks."
"Well then you're a hypocrite."
"The land abounds with hypocrites. I am only one."
"Since that's settled, why don't we all get together and petition for the 'fun' to stop?"
"Because," Sakura groaned, "It's too hot to rock the boat!"
"And it's not too hot to be standing around in the sun?"
"Good point."
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"I love my father more than you do," Naruto argued with Shikamaru, "But this is stupid! Why do we have to make such a big deal about his birthday and his death day and whatever? I mean, the man's been dead fifteen years! He probably doesn't even care about it anymore!"
"And yet I am still not motivated to move from this pool. I wonder why? Oh, maybe it's because I don't give a flying fuck."
"I wonder how you actually do give a flying fuck," Kakashi said absent mindedly. Sasuke and Sakura stared at him, and he shrugged. "The heat's going to my head."
"We gotta do something!" Naruto whined.
"We must lobby for change! Oh, youthful Naruto-kun, I shall join you in your most noble quest for justice, for the heat is most supremely NON-YOUTHFUL!" Lee yelled.
Sakura sweatdropped. "Oh my GOD, Lee, what the hell are you wearing!"
Sasuke averted his eyes. "There's a law against you stripping," he questioned his sensei, "And yet there's no law against that?"
"It's too hot for our youthful attire," Gai explained with a youthful grin, "Hence this! It is not so youthful but is very cooling!"
Tenten whistled through her teeth as she walked up to them. "Dang, jumbo," she told Lee, "How were you hiding that under your suit?"
Lee. Gai. Speedos. And now Tenten complimenting their size? Naruto had had enough.
"I'm going home," he announced disgustedly, "And I'm gonna start my protest against all Yondaime holidays! Who's with me!?"
"I am!" Lee shouted.
"I am!" Gai echoed.
"Okay," Naruto revised, "Who's with me and not wearing Speedos?"
If it was a Chuck Jones cartoon, you'd hear the crickets chirping. If they'd been in a desert, you'd hear the wind howl and tumbleweed…um, tumble by. But it wasn't, and they weren't, so it was all silent among their group. You could even hear the happy sounds (hah) of the fair.
"Bitches."
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Sarutobi
frowned over the crystal ball on the cushion. "Naruto," he
tutted, "You should respect your father more. He did a great favor
for Konoha, and we are only trying to repay him."
Realizing the
boy couldn't hear him, he sighed to himself. "Maybe…you should
hear this from your father himself," the old man mused. "Yes…now
where's that jutsu?" he rummaged through his jutsu collection
(stored in his handy dandy jutsu collecting giant trunk! Now
available in blue.)
"Pervert ninjutsu…pervert ninjutsu…ooh! Pervert genjutsu! Okay, pervert ninjutsu, pervert ninjutsu…old copy of Kama Sutra…new copy of Icha, Icha Paradise…pervert ninjutsu…pervert ninjutsu…"
And this was the man they'd wanted as Hokage.
"Aha! Send-clueless-teen-to-nirvana-to-meet-his-dead-father-for-a-much-delayed-parental-ass-chewing jutsu!"
May the gods have mercy on Konoha.
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Minato woke up with a wide yawn, his fisted hands punching the air and his toes curling as he shook the slumber from his body.
Of course, there was no actual slumber in nirvana, just eight hours spent not having his body massaged by beautiful women, eating, and watching baseball.
What, surprised? There is a reason religion says be good. If you're good, you get nirvana. If not…well, most religions agree that you go to a very hot place and burn for eternity. (And right now that place was probably Konohagakure.)
The Yondaime opened his eyes and gazed at the ceiling in consternation. For one thing, there was a ceiling. Last he'd checked, he'd fallen asleep in a hammock hung between two palm trees. Second of all, this ceiling was topping a room…a very messy, disturbingly-un-nirvana-like room.
He looked down at his body, or more specifically, the orange sheets covering his body. "What the hell?" he muttered, scratching his balls. He froze, and then felt himself up.
That was most definitely not his schlong.
"What the hell!" he exclaimed, leaping out of bed, tripping over a scroll on the ground, stumbling over to the dresser that was cluttered with all sorts of unimaginable trash, and gazing into the mirror.
He was sixteen again!
Ah, so it must be some sort of new change-implementing law that had been passed in nirvana. Have everyone relive their youth as a break from all the sex—erm, singing. Singing the praises of the Buddha. And some other, less M rated stuff.
Except...Minato peered closer at his face. His eyes hadn't been so round. His cheeks had been unscathed all his life; leave alone at the age of sixteen. The hair was his, beyond a doubt…he cautiously swiped at his thing again. His dick had been way bigger than that, hadn't it? I mean, this was just sad. It couldn't have been more than, what—two inches?
His eyes snagged on a picture on the dresser, carefully poised above the clutter. The blond he'd been looking at in the mirror was there, glaring out of the corner of his eye at a dark haired brat that looked as though he'd like to drive a dart into the thick of his own thigh rather than be here. A pink haired kunoichi held her fists up to her cheek in a fit of giggly excitement, eyes scrunched up in a smile. But what had really caught Minato's attention was the man whose hands were on the boys' heads, a silver haired man in a jounin jacket and a silky navy blue mask.
"Kakashi?" Minato wondered, "What? Now, I know he wasn't…unless that's his father…? But then…who are the brats?"
This was just way too fucking confusing. Was it too much to ask to be able to wake up to a normal day for once? He should've known the whole gorgeous women giving wake up massages thing was too good to last. With his luck, he was probably alive again. He started to chuckle at the absurdity of the thought, but then felt apprehensive when it didn't strike him as particularly funny.
He ran to the window, looked outside, and cursed loudly.
He was back in Konohagakure, and he was stuck in a body that wasn't his.
And it didn't even have a good dick.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
I'm picking up on Sai's penis jokes. Poor Minato. No wait…poor Naruto!