Polly Want a Cracker?

By Trick Steven

Author's Note: Hello! This is my first attempt at a Mario fan fiction and I hope you enjoy it! As another note, yes I do realize there are no tacos in the Mario games but I thought that Doopliss eating a taco wouldn't be such a farfetched idea. Plus Mexican food is tasty!

Doopliss had just come back from his three-month long run of his starring role in the "Paper Mario" play and wanted to take a break at his home, Creepy Steeple. He headed to the bell tower and reclined in his armchair, enjoying his "Me" time by watching TV and munching on microwavable tacos. After shooing away a couple of Boos who were attracted to the scent of refried beans and salsa, Doopliss went back downstairs to grab some chips.

He followed the eerie blue torches to the storage room and walked past his pet parrot, ignoring its astonished voice echo, "Doopliss?"

"Huh?" replied Doopliss absentmindedly, his back turned to his feathered companion as he searched for the chips.

"Doopliss, is that really you? You've come back for me?" asked the parrot, sounding like he was on the verge of tears.

Doopliss turned around and looking not a bit surprised, he said, "Oh it's you slick."

He then turned his back again and continued to look for the chips.

The parrot, looking distraught, edged toward Doopliss on his perch and whimpered, "Doopliss, don't you want to feed your pet? You've left me for four months without anything to eat."

Doopliss paused in his search and faced his parrot. He then replied, "I thought I left you some-" he then stopped in midsentence when he glanced at the parrot's food bowl. It was completely empty and cobwebs had started to form. A spider crawled out from the bowl and Doopliss replied, "Oops."

Doopliss then fished around in one of the crates and pulled out a cracker.

"Sorry about the lack of food thing. Here's a cracker." said Doopliss, his blanketed hand outreached for his parrot to take it.

After a couple of seconds, Doopliss glared at his pet and waved the cracker wielding hand in front of the parrot's face. He then snapped impatiently, "I don't have all day, slick, so take the cracker already!"

The parrot narrowed its eyes and said slowly, "You haven't fed me for four months. I think I need something more then a cracker."

"Two crackers then?" asked Doopliss, raising an eyebrow.

His pet parrot gave him a stony stare and said, "I can smell you cooking tacos in your room."

Doopliss shrugged and said, "Tacos? What are ya talking about? I don't know where-"

"Liar!" screeched the parrot, flapping his wings. "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Doopliss held his hands to ears and shouted, "Calm down! I'll feed you three crackers!"

The parrot responded by biting Doopliss's arm.

"Yeeouch!" exclaimed Doopliss, jumping back before rubbing his arm in pain. "No wonder I left you down here. For a parrot you aren't much fun."

"Oh I'm sorry I'm in such a bad mood because you didn't feed me for almost half a year! I had to eat bugs and dirt because of you!" glowered the green bird, pointing an accusing claw at him.

"Look, I was busy fighting Mario and got mixed up with the Shadow Sirens and then there was the almost end of the world with this scary lady…" explained Doopliss. He then glanced at his pet and saw that his talking made no difference for the bird's foul mood.

"You know what? Forget this." Doopliss replied, grabbing his bag of chips and walking out the door. "I'm going to enjoy my "Me" time without your whining."

He then slammed the door and walked back huffily to his room.

After a couple of hours of watching more TV and pigging out on chips, Doopliss finally became tired and decided to go to sleep. Putting his leftover food in the fridge, he placed his party hat on the nightstand and sat down on his bed, kicking off his shoes. Doopliss yawned, stretched, fluffed his pillow, and put the blanket over himself. He reached for the lamp and turned off the light, with only the huge, cheese-yellow moon illuminating his room.

A couple of minutes later, Doopliss was fast asleep, happily dreaming in his mischief-filled slumber. What he didn't know however, was that a silhouette was perched outside of his window and was pecking on the glass panel.

Doopliss turned over in his sleep and muttered something about bacon. The pecking grew louder and he turned over again, oblivious.

"Doopliss! Wake up!" shrieked the shadow.

Doopliss woke up with a start, looking around franticly. Getting up, he asked, "Who said my name?!"

Noticing the silhouette on the widow, he walked over to it and then sighed in relief.

"Oh it's only you slick. You scared me there for a second." said Doopliss to the silhouette, who really was his parrot and an angry looking one at that.

Puffing up, the parrot cawed, "Doopliss, I'll ask you one last time; give me the taco."

"Hey, that taco is the only thing I have to eat around here. The nearest place is Twilight Town and I don't think they'll let me shop there anytime soon after the pig incident." Doopliss then smiled at the memory of turning the townspeople into piggies. "Heh, those guys didn't know how to take joke."

He then shook his head and continued, "Anywho, I would have to go all the way to Rogueport to get food and that'll take forever." He then added curiously, "How did you get out from that room anyways? I thought I closed the door."

"I bribed the Boos." answered the parrot.

"Figures. Remind me to get rid of 'em. I've let them stay here for too long anyways." muttered Doopliss, walking back to his bed.

Snuggling back into the covers, Doopliss said, "And if you want food, use those wings of yours. I'm sure you can reach Rogueport before I can."

He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep. The parrot, expecting Doopliss's response, turned around and flew away.

Doopliss opened an eye and noticed that his pet bird was gone. He then got up and snuck back to his fridge, taking out his leftover taco. He didn't trust what his pet was going to do, because after all, if he bribed the ghosts to let him out of the storage room, he could easily bribe them to steal his taco out of spite. But before the Duplighost could take a bit of his food, the sound of cawing made him pause. He looked out the window and nearly dropped his taco in surprise. More then six dozen ravens flew towards his window, led by none other then his pet parrot.

"Oh for cripes sakes!" exclaimed Doopliss in exasperation. "Why do people always use their friends against me?!"

He quickly rolled to the side as the ravens crashed through his window, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. He quickly transformed himself into a Chain Chomp and snapped at the feathered fiends, causing them to retreat. However some of the ravens were brave enough to fly into his mouth, causing him to choke. As he was trying to breath, he backed up and fell out the window. The bushes broke his fall and the shock of the impact made him cough out the birds, enabling him to breathe again. Trying to regain his footing, he transformed back to himself and said, "Why the heck are you doing this slick? Don't tell me this is just for a taco!"

His pet parrot, perched in a nearby dead tree, shook his head and answered, "No, the taco was just the last straw. All my life you've constantly ignored me and shut me inside that storage room. I was willing to let that slide, but after you offered me a cracker after months of neglect, it was then I realized you weren't going to ever change."

"What if I said that I was sorry?" asked Doopliss, trying to look sincere.

"Would you mean it?" shot back the bird.

Doopliss thought about it and replied, "Probably not, but an apology is an apology, right slick?"

The bird glared at him and Doopliss shrugged and said, "What? At least I'm being honest."

Angered, the parrot then turned to the flock of ravens and ordered, "Get him!"

"Aw geez…" muttered Doopliss, his crimson eyes widening at the sight of nearly a hundred birds speeding towards him.

But before he could think of a single thing, the birds crashed into him, clawing and tearing at his bed sheet with their razor-sharp talons and beaks. While under attack, Doopliss struggled to think of something to ward off his beaked enemies.

As a particularly mean-spirited raven tried to peck his eyes out, Dooplisspanicked and gave the bird a good punch in the jaw, knocking it to the ground in a daze. Surprised that he could even land a punch, Doopliss stared at his hand for a split second and realized what he should do.

He closed his eyes and in a puff of smoke, he towered over the flock of birds. His two blanketed arms had multiplied into ten barbed tentacles and his face had a pair of enormous eyes, which stared at the hesitating ravens with an expression of heated rage.

Doopliss swiftly swung his giant Blooper arms at the flock and hit the ravens dead-on. Many of them fell to the ground, knocked unconscious by the blow. The remaining birds flew away in a whirlwind of panic, leaving Doopliss's pet parrot alone to face his master.

"W-wait for me!" shouted the parrot, flapping his wings.

But before he could get away, Doopliss's arm grabbed him by the middle, the suckers firmly holding the bird in place with no way to escape.

As Doopliss brought his pet close to his face, the parrot read the evident anger in his owner's eyes and pleaded, "Please don't kill me! I'm s-sorry!"

"Kill you?" Doopliss then transformed back to his familiar Duplighost self and answered with a wicked jack 'o lantern grin, "What makes you think I'm going to kill you slick?"

Meanwhile back at Doopliss's room, a trio of Boos gathered around the fallen foreign delight known as the taco.

"It looks like the freak dropped it." commented one Boo, cautiously poking it.

"It doesn't look like the only thing he dropped." snorted it's companion pointing to the broken window.

"I wondered what happened?" asked the first Boo, scratching its head. "I think I heard screaming…"

"Gah! Who the heck cares? He dropped this morsel of food and I shall eat it with gusto." said the third Boo, picking up the taco. He then looked at his friends and smiled a fanged smile.

"So who here wants the first bite?"

A few days later, the Creepy Steeple was back to its normal, gothic self. Doopliss never figured out who ate his taco, but he could take a guess after seeing a few Boos with guacamole smeared on their faces when they were taking their midday nap. Doopliss patched up his broken window and it looked even better then it originally did. As for the punishment for his rebellious parrot, he decided to spare his pet the most brutal sentence and instead opt for the most creative.

Doopliss reclined in his armchair, once again enjoying his "Me" time by drinking Cola and watching T.V. Next to his T.V, a small, grey generator whirled on mute. Attached to the generator by wires was a treadmill and working the treadmill was none other then Doopliss's pet parrot. The feathered creature was working up a sweat and panted, "Doopliss why do I have to do this again?"

"Didn't I already tell you? It's your punishment slick." answered Doopliss, not looking up from the television screen. "You run, it powers my whole room." He then added with a smirk, "Doesn't helping the environment give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside?"

"The only feeling I have is the heatstroke inducing kind," muttered the parrot to himself. He then asked, "Um, if it isn't too much to ask, can I get a break? I've been running for about six hours straight."

Doopliss frowned and said threateningly, "Do you want me to smack you?" He made a move to get out of his chair and out the corner of the parrot's eye, he could almost see his master's arm turn into a Blooper's tentacle.

"N-no I can run for a little bit more!" said the bird hastily, running even faster on the treadmill.

Doopliss sat back down and said, "Now that's what I like to hear! While you're at it slick, run a bit faster. My TV screen is starting to get fuzzy."