Eddy:

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"A house divided cannot stand." – Abraham Lincoln

When Joe had woken up in the morning, he had planned to do many things: watch some anime, eat pizza, not do his homework, look through his dad's piggy bank… being in the iron grasp of an old man was not one of these things.

"I will ask you again." The man had a thick… foreign accent. Joe wasn't exactly well-traveled. "Where is Johanna Hidanstein? If you answer, nobody has to die."

The sick, Charles Manson grin decorating the geezer's face said otherwise.

Joe moved his eyes to glance at his friends—they could see what was happening to him, but the damned cowards all sat motionless! Joe let out a small sob when he saw that Jo was petrified. But he counted the two people in the living-room and realized…

Randy was missing.

IN HIS LIFE, Eddy's oppositional personality and egotistical behavior had earned him a small collection of enemies. His school years had been horrible—practically everyone hated him, and this planted a deep desire for attention and paranoia in him. This, of course, created even more enemies. It was to be expected from a person like him; however, he was truly surprised when he had seen the enemies that Double D had developed over the course of a few years.

The eclipsed sun that hung over the city made it clear that one of two things was about to happen: either a group of people with a connected past would develop strange abilities and have to save a cheerleader, or the door would be kicked down in a matter of seconds.

The latter proved to be true, as the door was blown off of its hinges by a powerful force in a matter of seconds.

"HOLY JUMPING BANANA BOAT!" Jonny exclaimed. With his Kindergarten teacher's salary it would be difficult to replace the door. Whatever had blown the door down seemed to have vanished.

Eddy calmly turned to face the door. For an instant, he was fooled by the lack of an intruder—then he remembered who he was dealing with.

"A psychic?"

An empty space before Eddy was suddenly filled with a human form. A young man—around fifteen or sixteen—smiled weakly at him. The youth's shirt had something written on it—a mindless, overused pop culture reference, most-likely. His hair was blonde and cut so short he was almost bald.

"Uh… sorry about the door." The young man apologized meekly. "Not that I really need to apologize to you, but… well, you know, it's still polite—then again, I guess that you're—" He sighed and stopped himself. "My first solo job and I'm already making an idiot out of myself…"

"What's your name?" Eddy asked. Whoever the kid was, he didn't seem too focused—Eddy could distract him for a bit if he tried. As the kid stuttered nervously, Eddy pointed Jonny to a phone on the living room wall. Big-head nodded as he made his way to it, staying behind the intruder.

"The… oh, man… uh… my name's Ego." The young man answered ironically. "Look, do you have, like, some coffee or something? I really need some coffee."

It was hard not to laugh—this 'Ego' guy was the most embarrassing kidnapper ever. "Cut the crap, Igor." Eddy ordered. "Just tell me which side you work for."

For once, there was a flare of confidence in Ego's eyes. "N-No way!" He defied. "I was given direct orders to not tell you who I was taking you to. The Wizard said that if I told you anything he'd put me in solitary!"

Eddy raised an eyebrow and then scoffed. "You work for the Wizard? I guess it makes sense—you're not creepy enough to be one of the others. But why couldn't he send someone with a little spine, like Dante or the weirdo in the trench-coat?"

Jonny watched the strange conversation and tried to keep up as best he could. The situation was similar to seeing the third movie in a trilogy without seeing the first two—however, unlike a movie, there was no clumsy exposition here. He slowly crept towards the phone as he kept his eye on Ego.

"He wanted to see how I could do on my own." Ego admitted. He wasn't used to being alone—never. "Um… I'm going to kind of kidnap you. Do you think you could just come peacefully?"

Eddy grimaced. Right now, 'peace' meant 'hopelessness'. After all, what could he do? He'd given his weapon to Joe.

BE POWERFUL, crush others, and, if you want something, don't let it get destroyed. These were some of the lessons that Randy's mother had taught him.

These were some of the kinder lessons.

When the old man had grabbed Joe, Randy ran into another room. It wasn't out of fear—Randy could never recall a time when he had been afraid. He had ran out of a desire for an advantage—a desire all humans possess in varying degrees.

Randy didn't particularly like Joe or Joey. Johanna was fine, and at times he felt that he thought on the same brain-level as her. If anything, he wanted this advantage so he could protect her. He could hear the old man ask about her again, and he quickly looked around the room he had ran into.

It was Joe's room.

In desperation, Randy looked for something he could use as a weapon—a golf club that Joe's uncle had bought him caught his eye.

"I'M BEING quite generous and you still refuse to answer!" The old man laughed in Joe's face at this—his breath smelled like death. "If you're one of those suicidal kids that play around with death then I don't see why I shouldn't kill you!"

Joe tried to kick the old man but he couldn't move his feet—was he that terrified?

The old man groaned angrily. It was the kind of sarcastic anger that you use with your best friends—he seemed like he was almost smiling. "Fine." He accepted. "I guess you'll have to die."

Before the man's vague threat could be realized, Joe saw the man's face change from sadistic glee to confused joy. In a matter of seconds, a familiar-looking golf club whizzed over Joe's shoulder and into the man's face. The man let go of Joe and clutched his now-bleeding forehead.

Joe backed up as quickly as he could and turned around. He saw Randy, carrying the only present Joe's uncle had ever given him. Joe quickly looked over at the couch and saw his friends stand up and run behind Randy.

Oh. Now they moved. Now that Randy had a golf club, they moved.

Through blood pouring down his face, the old man laughed quietly. "I don't get it… I made sure you were all petrified with fear!" He glared at Randy through his fingers. A single, bloodshot eye was visible through the cracks. "How could you attack me?"

The man took his hands off his face. His forehead was bleeding heavily and his nose had been pounded until it was almost sideways. This, if it was possible, increased his mad, frenzied look. He grinned his yellow smile, spilling blood out of his mouth.

"I'm so excited…" he spat joyously. "I get to kill something that's more than human."

IF YOU close your eyes, does the world vanish for an instant?

Jonny opened his eyes to realize that his apartment was now completely empty. All of Jonny's furniture and even his TV had vanished. The only things remaining were Plank, lying face-down on the floor, and the phone.

Wait… why was the phone off the hook? Jonny struggled to remember if he had made a call, but found nothing—in fact, he couldn't remember anything since yesterday morning.

Why was the door knocked off of its hinges?

Jonny sat down on the hardwood floor and held his throbbing head. He felt like an alarm clock—constantly ringing until you get hit. He closed his eyes and tried to make the pain go away.

Who had Jonny called?

Jonny grabbed the phone and pressed the re-dial button. In a second, he heard the beep from each of the buttons he had pressed before he'd closed his eyes.

Beep.

7…

Beep.

7…

Beep.

9…

Beep.

2…

Beep.

4…

Beep.

6…

Beep.

6…

Beep.

2…

Bip.

8…

Beep.

8…

Beep.

7? The number was vaguely familiar to Jonny… he quickly looked at the letters on the numbers and spelled out the first word he could make…

SRYAINNATUP? That couldn't be right…

THE MAN took his hands off his face. His forehead was bleeding heavily and his nose had been pounded until it was almost sideways. This, if it was possible, increased his mad, frenzied look. He grinned his yellow smile, spilling blood out of his mouth.

"I'm so excited…" he spat joyously. "I get to kill something that's more than human."

He couldn't fulfill this promise. Yet again, he was struck before he could deliver a blow. There was an explosion of bright, orange light behind him and the sound of an impact on the back of his head. The man fell forward and banged his head on the floor.

"I can't believe this!"

Eddward 'Double D' Hidanstein stood at the feet of the unconscious madman. His face was the picture definition of controlled rage. The scientist glared at Joe and tried to ask a question calmly:

"Where's your father?"

STAINLESS STEEL walls had been painted sterile white. No windows and only one visible door. No sound entered or escaped the cell. There was only the prisoner. He was the center of this little world he'd been put into.

Eddy glared at the all-white uniform he was being force to wear. It was bad enough they trapped him in a prison cell, but on his way in they had stripped him naked and dressed him like an asylum patient. This place was Hell.

The prisoner stood up and tried to pace around his cell. He almost tripped, it was so clean. Each footstep echoed in the cell, which was ten times larger than it needed to be. If Eddy whispered it would sound like a scream.

Screw Hell. This place was Limbo. A never-ending void of sameness.

Are you enjoying your stay, Prisoner Eddy?

No intercom system—the boxes would have interrupted the sameness. All announcements were psychically launched directly into the prisoners' heads. "The room service sucks and there's no mint on my pillow." Eddy answered quietly. "This is the last time I book online."

A sense of humor is very welcome, Prisoner Eddy. We hope you will enjoy your stay here in New Babylon. You are our special guest, and we hope to have many more guests like you.

MORE STEEL. Wires ran through the walls, ceiling, and floor, connecting everything to everything. There was no smell except for the stench of a wire overloading and burning out or the smell of plastic. LED screens were on every wall. Supposedly, each was for a different purpose, but after a while technology just starts repeating itself.

The man in the hood walked down these hallways calmly. He had long, black hair that flowed down to his shoulders. His eyes were two different colors—a bright green and a dull blue. His movements were strangely artificial—as if every joint movement had been rehearsed.

There was a PA system here. The PA was the technological breakthrough of mankind—it let them yell at each other from different places.

"Arthur, a significant figure has become the prisoner of the Wizard. Shall we attempt to rescue them?"

Arthur stopped at the announcement. A security camera pointing at him seemed almost… expectant of an answer. Arthur shook his head calmly. "Just make sure the XX Unit it prepared to kill Eddward Hidanstein."

This time, Arthur knew, he would win.

PEELING, FLORAL wallpaper. That was the only way to describe the home of Denzel Foster, horror author. The dusty house looked as if it had not been lived in for years—and, Denzel realized, this was true, in a sense.

Denzel watched TV comfortably. He was expecting company shortly—his friend Danukas, a sickening old sadist, had been sent out to capture the son of Eddward Hidanstein. Those had been the Master's orders, and if they were not fulfilled…

The author merely chuckled. He had nothing to worry about—the Master needed him. The Master wouldn't kill him, would he? The author began turning up the volume on the TV.

"… And there were no survivors. In lighter news, author Denzel Foster's new book, The Broken Mind of Harold Monroe, continues to break records and sits as the number-one-selling book in America, Canada, and England. Translated copies are expected to release in other countries within the next few months. In lighter news, the strange breakout of violent crime continues to increase, most notably among religious leaders. No word yet from Psychonaut HQ."

"I SEE…" DOUBLE D sighed at the conclusion of Joe's story. "Your parents just left you and your brother? That's why you asked me to take care of Adolf?"

Joe cringed at the mention of his baby brother's name. It had been the idea of his mother's closest living relative. "Yes, just… look, don't say my brother's name and don't say my middle name." "What?" Randy asked. "Do you mean Hit—"

"That's quite enough!" Eddward yelled. "Although, it is a fairly… bad middle-name." He rubbed his chin as he thought about this.

"OKAY! Enough about my name! I got picked on enough by the Jewish kids at school… damn my parents."

Johanna patted Joe on the back reassuringly. "Well, I'm sure your father will turn up eventually." Eddward stood out of the seat he'd been in and sighed. "I just want you children to know that you're all going to be okay: I promise you."

The children sensed the slight fear in Johanna's father's voice. "Um… Mr. Hidanstein?" Joey raised his hand. "What's going on?"

Edd smiled as calmly as he could. "Nothing…" he lied. "Nothing at all."

Author's Notes: I'm from the future. Come with me if you want to live. You should know, by common sense, that the number Jonny dialed isn't real. If you did not know this, please punish yourself.

Next Time: Edd: How I Met Your Mother