version: 1.2 (9/18/2008)

THE PARKING TICKET

By Sparrow Townshend

Part I

Franziska closed the lid on the slim white box as she left the tailor's, smiling to herself as she walked briskly down the sidewalk. How unusual, she mused, the service in those places is usually dreadful on the weekends. She paused, opening the box again to look at her new pair of black leather gloves. I might as well break them in now, she thought.

Passers-by eyed her nervously as she clenched her fists, studying the movements of her hands inside the gloves, her eyes narrowing as she savored the sounds of the new leather.

Franziska pulled a shiny car key out of her pocket, shifting her shopping bag to her other arm as she came closer to where her immaculate black BMV was parked. Yes, there was nothing quite like a purchase of custom-made suits and an exhilarating drive home in a high-quality, 6-speed transmission, German-made...

What the-

Franziska quickened her pace as she saw two suspicious uniformed men walk in front of her treasured vehicle.

"Excuse me - " she shouted, stepping in front of the men. "My car..." she began, losing her train of thought as she noticed fingerprints on the windshield...scratches on the hood...

"...was parked in a loading zone," one of the men replied. Franziska snatched a pink slip of paper from under the windshield wiper. She twitched, yearning for her customary whip. She dropped her shopping bag and parking ticket, staring down the two police officers.

"You fools! Don't you know who I am?"

"Hey kid, we don't have time for guessing games. We're on the beat so just go home and whine to your daddy, I'm sure he'll pay it for you," one of the policemen said as he eyed her top-quality purchases.

"YOU FOOLS!" Franziska shouted, flinging the car door open and grabbing her whip off the car seat in a matter of seconds. "HOW DARE YOU FOOLISH FOOLS INCONVENIENCE FRANZISKA VON KARMA!"

"Look," the other policeman sighed, pushing her lightly aside as he lowered his sunglasses, "if you wanna take this problem up with someone, there's a court date on that ticket. We just give 'em out. We can't take 'em back. 'Kay?"

Franziska cracked her whip, feeling somewhat more relieved as it made contact with the second policeman's face, knocking his sunglasses off.

"Whoa!" the first policeman said, jumping back a few feet. "Whoa, whoa..." he said, shaking his head in disbelief for a few seconds.

"Hey, sister," the second policeman said as he picked up his sunglasses, "assaulting a police officer is a FELONY. You know what that means?"

"YOU FOOLS!" Franziska shouted, attacking them with her whip, "OF COURSE I -"

Franziska paused as the first policeman took a tazer out of his belt.

"Put down the whip and no one gets hurt," he said.

Franziska lowered her whip and jumped into her car, pulling out of the parking space and up to the end of the street... to a red light.

"Curses," she muttered, slamming her fist on the dashboard, accidentally hitting the radio.

"IN OTHER NEWS, LOCAL ATTORNEY PHOENIX WRIGHT WILL BE HOSTING A CHARITY SILENT AUCTION TO BENEFIT HOMELESS-"

She turned off the radio, her irritation rising with every second.

The two police officers ran onto the crosswalk in front of Franziska's car, gesturing for her to pull over. She revved her engine, staring at the traffic light as if doing so would make it turn green faster.

Franziska sighed in irritation as she pulled into the closest parking space, turning off her engine. She quickly studied herself in the rearview mirror, attempting a more composed and congenial expression.

"Step out of the car, ma'am," the first police officer said.

"All right..."she replied, pausing to read his name badge, "...Officer Bann...I'll go along with your little charade. But I'll have you know that when your next paycheck-"

Franziska paused, a cold wave of realization creeping in around the edges of her vision.

"Things are bad enough for you, missy, don't go actin' like you own the place," the first policeman said.

Curse this foolish town and its foolish police force, Franziska thought, gritting her teeth as she stepped out of the car.

"You're under arrest for assaulting a member of the police force," he said, cuffing her before she had time to respond.

"Get your hands off me, you fool!" Franziska shouted.

"You have the right to remain silent," the second policeman said, grinning as he continued giving Franziska her rights, ignoring her utterances.

A relaxing day of shopping, an expensive lunch, and a carefree drive back home (well over the speed limit, of course). A perfect day. A perfect use of Papa's generous gift of birthday money. A nice day off in a nice, moderately-sized, moderately-urban town far outside of the city. Ah, beautiful Fairview. A town whose sole industry was retail and service, where everyone's livelihood revolved around two rules: "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT," and "AIM TO PLEASE." Idyllic, wasn't it?

A town full of UTTER IDIOTS. FOOLS who knew little of the terrors that awaited them should they dare to challenge a Von Karma...

Franziska watched rows of smiling people stroll along the street, shopping bags in hand. From inside the caged-in back seat of the police car, their inane laughter seemed to mock her, like the foolish drivel of zoo spectators watching tigers. Even dealing with those fools in the city would have been a hundred times better than this unfortunate 'incident', she thought. If any police officer in the city even thought of giving FRANZISKA VON KARMA a parking ticket, I'd have their salary cut before they could finish writing it. A smile crept across her face as she imagined taking her whip to her favourite police department scapegoats. What an embarrassment, she thought, the reality of her situation interrupting her fantasy. But this isn't over yet...

Franziska mentally went through all the people she could call up once they brought her to the station. Yes, this will be simple. Simpler than trouncing that idiot Mr. Phoenix Wright... It's all a matter of how you phrase it, what you don't say, exposing the foolish foolery of those fools for what it truly is...

"Well," the first police officer began, losing his train of thought as he braked to let a large group of senior citizens jaywalk in front of the police car. Officer Bann continued examining the contents of Franziska's shopping bag, discovering her wallet.

Surely they'll recognise my name at the very least, she thought. Even fools watch the news and read the newspaper...

"Might I have both of your full names, Officers?" Franziska inquired in a tone so polite it could have been mistaken for condescension.

"Why, so you can mention us by name to the judge?" he laughed, pausing to spit-polish his sunglasses. Bann yanked one of Franziska's business cards out of her wallet, shoving it in front of his partner's face. Franziska frowned as she saw his dirty fingers crease and smudge the creamy white paper.

"It seems Miss...Von Karma...here is a lawyer," he continued, embellishing the last word with a special kind of venom.

"Von Karma? Ha ha ha, that's hilarious," the other policeman said.

"Your names," she hissed in reply.

"I'm Joe Duncan, and he's Ray Bann."

Not that it matters now...

"Say, Officers, haven't you heard of anyone with my name before?" Franziska asked, trying to jog their memory.

"Well, to tell you the truth, you're our first big arrest," Bann replied. "Nothing much goes on here in Fairview except the occasional shoplifter or pickpocket."

"Yeah, imagine what people will say when they hear someone assaulted a police officer!" Duncan said, speeding at 20 miles per hour.

"If they hear about it."

"Yeah, I doubt it'll make the city news."

"And I doubt anyone would watch it!"

"But yeah, we've never run across a 'Von Karma' before," Duncan said, trying to contain his laughter.

"Did you ever hear this one? My karma ran over your dogma!" Bann shouted, interrupting.

"Hah hah hah hah! That's great!"

"Yeah! And I don't even know what it means!"

"Me neither! Hah hah hah!"

Franziska didn't bother to clarify her statement. Obviously the fools don't watch the news. Not even the local news. They probably don't even have a local news channel. Even if they did, there's no news here to report.

The police car passed a row of dismally cheery houses, recorded birdsongs blasting out of speaker holes in the trees, as if to mock her predicament. Franziska felt slightly nauseous and more than slightly irritated. She studied her reflection in the car window, ignoring the blur of pink and yellow plaster outside.

PART II COMING SOON...

...to a computer screen near you!

Author's Notes

Well, I hope you all enjoyed Part I of this ridiculous romp. Please review if you have the time and energy to write something constructive, whether it is negative or positive. Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote fan fiction. I've been working on my dystopia novel, 'Houses of the Holy' for the past 2 years, and it seems like I haven't written a whole lot other than that. It's good to be back :D