Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, so don't sue!

Author's note: Drabble. This is a different (and depressing) take on the Hueco Mundo Arc, when Rukia meets Kaien turned Hollow.

Fragment

It hurts. Feels like I lost you twice. And it hurts like hell.

I was so happy when I saw you! Felt like I could turn back the wheels of time, starting everything again and have you still with me, like in the old times.

Heh... you said I haven't changed. Its true, I guess, in a way. I'm still the same stupid little girl that used to follow you around like a love sick puppy. Yet... I'm also different. More... mature, dare I say? Too many things happened, for me to remain unchanged.

Pain, sadness, loneliness. I felt them all. But the worst one still is indifference; which I'm facing just now. As you turn your back on me. And I have no defenses for it, just like I have no shell to shield me from you eyes. I always loved your eyes, you know?

I found out, in these years, that there's a lot I can't deal with. My brother's coldness, my failures, your death and my guilt are the main ones. They look like single, different things. Yet, at the same time, they all seem to be joined. Yes, like you said I'm guilty. I killed you after all.

You said the you wouldn't forgive me. But you see... it's not really your forgiveness I need. Well, that would still be nice and all, but not useful, seeing as I can't forgive myself. How I wish I didn't have to kill you again.

I feel so cold now, in my heart. And yes, I know, now, where my heart is. And it feels like it's breaking down, with every step, every swing of my sword. Miss you... I'm afraid. I scared, 'cause this time I may not be able to go on, move on.

I can't get back up any longer. Sorry... I know you said not to stay here, back my body won't do as I say. Seems like I'll be adding yet another failure to my ever growing list. Wait for me, this time, Kaien-dono. I'll be with you soon.