Allegiance

Despite himself, Suzaku began to worry if Lelouch was telling him the whole truth. He was sure Lelouch cared for him deeply, of course, he just couldn't be sure about everything else.

They seemed to see each other less and less. Suzaku was away on military duties more and more often, it seemed, and Lelouch was mysteriously absent a lot of the time. Suzaku wasn't sure what it was, perhaps gambling—Rivalz said Lelouch gambled often, although he'd given it up recently, but he might have been starting up again—and who was he to begrudge Lelouch secrets, when he had so many secrets of his own?

It was easy to forget about his suspicions when he was with Lelouch, of course. When he was with Lelouch he was delirious with relief and happiness and all sorts of emotions he could never quite put into words, which was fine, since Lelouch never asked what they were. Theirs was a kind of assumed affection, unspoken, which neither of them would have possibly been able to describe. Now that they had even less time together, they made up for it every way they could. Suzaku hoped, rather selfishly, he never got tired of the feelings he got from Lelouch's touches or his kisses or even the smallest of his smiles.

When he wasn't with Lelouch—and not all of the time, just in those quiet, restless moments when Suzaku was waiting in the Lancelot cockpit for his orders to be given, or after the battle, when his thoughts would turn to the strangest places—he would remember how tired his friend always looked, and how frequent his strange disappearances were. Suzaku thought he might piece together a picture, a puzzle, that way…Lelouch had the motive, and he was certainly smart enough…

But no, he couldn't. He couldn't think like that. Lelouch was Lelouch and not Zero, and that was the bottom line.

And his suspicions dissipated whenever he was with Lelouch, so he chalked it up to his lack of sleep and left those crazy theories alone.

--

Losing Shirley was almost too much.

Lelouch hid it well, of course. No one needed to know, least of all C.C., although that witch could probably tell anyway. It was easy to maintain the façade that he and Shirley had simply had some kind of falling out, and that she was upset with him. Hell, Milly seemed to think that he harbored some feelings for Shirley and that this was just a lover's spat. Well, let her. It was easier that way.

The terrifying thing—and terrifying was perhaps too strong of a word, but it was the only word that fit—was that he may have loved Shirley, and hadn't realized it until he lost her. He hadn't realized, naïvely, perhaps, that his secret life would have such personal repercussions. This awakening made him extremely possessive, although he did his best not to show it, of anything or anyone that could possibly belong to him. This included Nunnally, above all. Perhaps C.C., too, who he seemed to, vexingly, increasingly rely upon.

And then there was Suzaku, who undoubtedly fit into the same category of "people who belonged to him" but in a much different way. For the first time, he had to question the depth of his feelings. Would he be forced to sacrifice Suzaku's love, too, to this double life?

Because Lelouch was sure that was Suzaku felt was just that. Love. He knew, somehow, that as long as he gave Suzaku a reason, Suzaku would follow him to the ends of the earth. And it was curious, because Suzaku loved so unquestioningly, so purely, so strongly, in so many different directions: he loved Lelouch, he loved his duty, there might even be—Lelouch thought with a jealous pang—other people whom he loved, and he managed to love them all with so much of himself that Lelouch sometimes felt overwhelmed.

But did Lelouch love Suzaku? His situation would be so much easier if he didn't, yet his emotions had never made things easy for him. He prided himself on his logical mind, but he was too empathetic. He undeniably loved Suzaku as a friend, yet something more wouldn't be entirely unthinkable…he wasn't sure he knew enough to decide, and that was frustrating.

The afternoon following the incident at Narita with Shirley and Mao, Suzaku, weary from a day of military duties, had shown up at the Clubhouse to say his hellos—to Lelouch and Nunnally before anyone else—and ended up staying for dinner quite by accident. Perhaps, Lelouch thought, he just wanted to keep Suzaku close by, or perhaps the poor boy looked so tired that Lelouch couldn't possibly have turned him away. He let Suzaku sleep on his bed while he helped Nunnally with homework, then invited him to stay. C.C. was out looking for Mao, anyway, and he wouldn't have to worry about Suzaku seeing her.

After he had put Nunnally to bed, Lelouch went with Suzaku to his room, and they ended up just sitting in his bed, not talking, Suzaku playing absentmindedly with Lelouch's long, pale fingers. It was a comfortable silence, and Suzaku leaned his head on Lelouch's shoulder, closing his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak just as Lelouch did.

"Um—"

They broke off and looked at each other. Smiling, Lelouch said, "You go first."

"Well." Suzaku looked down. "I just wanted to say that this is nice. It's funny—with all that's going on, you're such a constant, and I can't—I need a constant."

Am I? Lelouch thought. But he said, "I sometimes feel that way, too."

"Mhm." Suzaku brought the back of Lelouch's hand to his mouth, and something in the way he did it reminded Lelouch of the chivalry of old, and what a wonderful, old-fashioned knight Suzaku would have been.

Maybe it was then that he got the idea to make Suzaku Nunnally's knight. Maybe it was later. But certainly the seeds of an idea were planted then, and Lelouch felt a certain, inexplicable rush of warmth.

"Be careful in the military. I don't want to lose you, too," he thought of saying, but he decided to kiss Suzaku instead, feeling that that might just be the best way to convey it.

He hadn't really intended to go anywhere else with it, but after a few minutes Suzaku broke away and nuzzled against his collarbone and said sheepishly, "Do you remember what happened, the last time we were…?"

And of course Lelouch did—he could hardly forget—but he didn't know if he could breach that territory again, if Suzaku would let him, and he didn't want to take without asking, because he'd done enough of that lately. But Suzaku put his lips to Lelouch's ear and whispered, "Would it be too selfish to want that again?" at which Lelouch had to laugh a little, remembering a point in time where Suzaku hadn't been this selfless.

"People are selfish," he said, relieving Suzaku of his jacket, his shirt. "But you are one of the least selfish people I know, Suzaku, and this isn't selfish at all."

"I wouldn't say that," Suzaku replied, half to himself, but before Lelouch could ask what he meant Suzaku kissed him again, and at that point any sort of conversation was a lost cause.

He does belong to me, Lelouch thought with wonder, tracing the line of Suzaku's jaw with his fingers. And, on the subject of selfishness, perhaps it was selfish to think so, but it was true. There was Suzaku, looking every inch Michelangelo's David and utterly unaware of how beautiful he was, who was peering up at Lelouch almost expectantly, with a silly little curious half-smile on his face, and it seemed to Lelouch, right then, that he didn't need to worry about losing Suzaku at all. Suzaku was his.

A short time later—Lelouch wasn't sure exactly how long it was, he was otherwise occupied—the door cracked open, and he saw one golden eye hover outside under green bangs before shutting the door quietly. Suzaku didn't see it, or, at least, he didn't indicate that he had seen it, so Lelouch waited until the other boy had fallen asleep to investigate.

He pulled on his pants and opened the door, immediately spotting C.C., who was leaning up against the wall in her street clothes, looking to the side, slightly bemused. "Are you sure that's wise?" she asked dryly.

"Perfectly," he snapped, although he wasn't. "My personal life isn't any of your business." Turning the knob reenter his room, he added, "I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

He closed the door on her, but listened for a moment. "It is curious, isn't it?" he heard C.C. say to herself. "Zero and the soldier from Shinjuku. He always was so stubborn." Then a sigh. "I suppose not. He's going to pay, though, for making me take the couch."

--

Suzaku was glad, for once, when Arthur bit his hand in the Student Council room.

It gave him an excuse for turning red as a tomato when Rivalz attempted to describe Lelouch's romantic inexperience.

--

And then, Nunnally.

Because Lelouch should have known better than this, should have known better than to allow Mao any kind of freedom, should never, never have thought the madman was gone for good until he'd seen him die. And now Nunnally's life, too, was on the line.

But he had a plan. Now that he had Suzaku with him, he knew what to do. Saving Nunnally would require absolute faith in himself and in his friend, but he could do it.

After all, he had that kind of faith.

Lelouch gave Suzaku his instructions, then turned and willed himself to forget.

--

But Lelouch knew, now.

Suzaku wasn't sure how that other man, Mao, had known his secret, but it didn't matter, he'd said it, and now Lelouch knew, and Lelouch was bound to hate Suzaku for it. The words seemed to echo, still, in the chapel – father killer, murderer, death wish, wretched, brat…an endless loop, reminding him always of his sin, the one that couldn't be washed away.

How could anyone even bear to look at him, now? Just being reminded, he felt impure, unclean, filthy…he remembered his small hands, stained with his father's blood, and almost wanted Lelouch to reject him. He deserved it. Oh, how much he knew he deserved it.

"Suzaku," Lelouch said—it seemed like he was speaking from six thousand miles away—"What Mao said…did you do it? Did you kill your own father?"

Suzaku was incapable of any response, so he just looked at Lelouch, oddly fearful, shocked, pained.

"I see," Lelouch said. "It's not just your secret, is it?"

"Lelouch, I—"

So this was the end, then. The end of everything they'd ever shared. Lelouch couldn't still want him after this, even just as a friend. That was it. It was over. There seemed to be a dull emptiness where Suzaku's heart was, and he thought he was used to the emotional void that accompanied the memories of his father's murder, but it was all the more potent this time, when someone who was not him reminded him of that sin, and when his best, dearest friend had been around to hear…

"…Prime Minister Genbu Kururugi killed himself in order to stop those in his Cabinet who called for a do-or-die resistance. The story was a necessary one," Lelouch was saying, almost as if he was trying to justify it himself. "For Japan, and Britannia."

What? So Lelouch didn't…?

Suzaku's shoulders unknotted. "Thank you for that," he said softly.

Lelouch simply stood there for a moment, studying Suzaku with a measured intensity, and Suzaku feared that this was how it was always going to be, that Lelouch had accepted him but rejected him, too, that they would lose that special closeness that they'd shared. But then Lelouch took a few, hesitant steps toward the altar, and held out his hand.

"Come on," he said. "Let's get out of here. You'll feel better."

"Yeah," Suzaku said weakly. "Class."

"We can skip."

Suzaku grabbed onto Lelouch's hand, willing to ignore how his friend's fingertips trembled a little in his grasp. Mao's words. Murderer. Suzaku's hands still had traces of his father's blood. He felt the self-revulsion gathering in his throat again as he remembered how hard it had been, how easy, how much force Suzaku had to put behind the knife but then how the blade had sunken in, like it was sinking into butter, only butter didn't bleed…how Lelouch could stand, still, to touch him, however innocently, knowing what he had done…

"Suzaku."

He looked up at Lelouch, who slung a supporting arm around his shoulder. "We can stay at the Clubhouse," Lelouch said. "Sayoko won't mind. Or on the roof. No one will look for us up there."

"Thanks, I just…" Suzaku swallowed again. "The roof," he murmured. "Air."

"I know."

How could he know? Suzaku wondered. How could he possibly know? But then something occurred to him: maybe Lelouch didn't know what felt like, to carry that overwhelming burden of guilt, but he understood.

After carrying around that same burden for all of these years, perhaps mere understanding was enough for comfort.

--

Lelouch and Suzaku, for all of their ideological differences, shared a similarity:

When necessary, they both took without asking.

--

Perhaps that was why knowledge of Suzaku's secret had bothered Lelouch so much at first. He and Suzaku were both guilty, undoubtedly, of murder, but Suzaku's guilt had driven him towards reckless redemption, while Lelouch's had simply embroiled him in sin, so that his only repentance for the blood he shed was covering it up with more blood.

Zero, of course, scorned Suzaku for robbing a country of its free will. But that was Zero, not Lelouch, and the two of them were separate entities when dealing with Suzaku, because Suzaku was not actively involved with opposing Zero. True, he was in the military, and true, he'd spoken against Zero to Lelouch's face, but when Lelouch went out with his Black Knights to fight Cornelia and her unit, and, on occasion, that powerful white Knightmare, the Lancelot, he was not fighting against Suzaku directly. Suzaku's loyalties were clear, but he was not Lelouch's enemy.

But if Suzaku wanted to fight for the Britannians to repent, perhaps Lelouch could show him a different cause, one that would, no doubt, benefit them both in the long run.

Lelouch needed someone to protect Nunnally when he was Zero, and Suzaku, in dealing with Mao, had proven adept at that. Suzaku cared for Nunnally, and she cared equally for him, as if he were another brother. If Suzaku was Nunnally's knight (of a sorts), then the dilemma would be solved.

And then Suzaku would always be nearby, and Lelouch wouldn't need to worry about him so much. Keeping Suzaku nearby had other advantages as well, but Lelouch was concentrating more on the selfless than the selfish.

Although he would have been lying if he didn't admit that Nunnally's enthusiastic "I adore him!" in reference to Suzaku made him momentarily wary, almost jealous.

It didn't matter. This plan worked out perfectly from all angles. Suzaku and Nunnally would be safe, and he would be free to act as Zero, destroying his remaining obstacles one by one.

He would start, he decided, with the Lancelot, that pesky Knightmare that always seemed to get in the way. Taking out Britannia's White Knight would solve so many other problems.

Then, well…he could begin to set his grander plans in action.

--

Suzaku was reluctant to leave Lelouch and Nunnally, especially this soon after the Mao incident, but even as he and Cécile headed out to the base, he felt a strange sort of apprehension.

He wondered, vaguely, whether he would get to see Princess Euphemia again, before dismissing the question with a tiny flash of guilt. "Do you know what they need us for?" he asked Cécile.

She shook her head. "No. But Lloyd said it was important."

Of course Euphie wouldn't be there; the art festival was tonight, and she was a judge. No. He closed his eyes, wondering why it felt traitorous to think of Euphemia all of a sudden, and decided to think of how happy Nunnally had looked that afternoon, and how Lelouch had been so warm, even with all that had happened…

But then they arrived, and Suzaku didn't have time to think on any of that. He had a job to do.

--

It was funny—now that the hatch was open, Zero was surprised. He hadn't expected the Lancelot's pilot to be so very young. His head was down, but his posture was defiant, strong, even in defeat. His hair was thick, brown, and wavy, almost, oddly, reminiscent of Suzaku's hair. That was all Zero could see of him, his head and his upper body. No matter. Whoever he was, he would be dead in a moment anyway.

But then he looked up. His green eyes were fierce and glaring.

Zero would have—should have—simply noticed that there was a Japanese boy at the controls, and found it strange, nothing more.

Lelouch only saw Suzaku.

--

Far away from the battle, a young princess of Britannia looked at the screen in the art gallery and said to a host of bewildered reporters, "The knight I have chosen will be the young man you see before you—Warrant Officer Suzaku Kururugi."

She said it proudly and without any shame, knowing, in her heart, that this was the best choice.

--

Lelouch, feeling as though his own heart had somehow broken into a thousand tiny pieces, laughed.

--

A/N: Well, I told you the fluff wasn't going to last. It's a shame, too.

Not much to say for this chapter, but I have to go and wanted to post it before I left, so I don't have time to thank all of my wonderful reviewers individually. You guys are awesome! :)

Congrats to the Code Geass category for breaking 1,000 fics!

Um...those of you who can, go vote tomorrow!

Yeah. That's about it. See you soon,

D

P.S. Something silly is going on with my formatting.