I don't own Jurassic Park, or any of the characters, dinosaurs, etc. associated with it.
I do, however, own a rather fluffy cat.
Anyhoo, don't get me wrong - i adored this movie, but hope you love my ridiculous parody anyway!
Read on, Macduff.
The lights darken
THE MOVIE: begins
In the tropics:
SOME GUY: Whee! Parasailing is fun!
SOME KID: Yeah!
SOME GUY WITH A SPANISH ACCENT: Yes, but remember not to parasail too close to the island, or else you will be eaten!
Everybody laughs as if this is the funniest thing ever, and not deeply disturbing.
PARASAILING PEOPLE: take a bunch of pictures
They then pass through some fog. Once they're out of the fog, they look down to see – duh duh duh duh! – that there is nobody in the boat. They parasail out of control, towards the formidable island.
END OF INTRO
In a pleasant, suburban back yard:
RANDOM KID: Grr! My plastic toys will eat each other!
DR. ALAN GRANT: is really old
He then goes to a really pointless lecture about raptor vocalization or something, and then back to his dig site where his very gay assisstant, Billy, is playing with toothbrushes and pretending to be all manly.
SOME WIMPY LOOKING GUY: Hey! You're that famous dinosaur guy!
ALAN: …yes
SWLG: Me and my wife, Amanda, want to have dinner with you.
ALAN: …no
BILLY: bounces out from behind Alan We'd love to!
SWLF (whose name, apparently, is Paul): Great!
They go to a restaurant, and in a surprisingly short amount of time, convince Alan and Billy to be their tour guides as they fly over Isle Sorna – you know, that other island.
How do they do this?
PAUL: Well, we're the outdoors type – climbed every mountain in the world and now we feel like doing something…special.
ALAN: OKAY!!
And it's Onward, Ho!
On the plane:
ALAN: Wait, why are we landing?
PAUL: heh heh…no reason…
They land. Amanda whips out a megaphone and begins screaming for someone named Eric.
BILLY: Wait, who's Eric?
PAUL: heh heh…no one
But before anything can be explained, a huge rumbling noise is heard…oh shit! Dinosaurs…surely they must have thought of that before they all got off the plane and started screaming. Guess not, because it's everybody back on the plane!
Well, except for one unfortunate fellow who runs out in front of them desperately waving his arms, and the pilot decides to just run over so they can get out of there!
But before they decapitate him with their propellers, something bursts out of the trees and BITES HIM IN HALF!! It's a t-rex! No, wait… it's a…it's a…what the fuck is that thing?
PYROLILLY: stares at the screen for a few minutes in complete confusion
Ahem…well, obviously, the producers decided that REAL dinosaurs weren't exciting enough! So, this third Jurassic Park movie will have MUTANT dinosaurs!
Anyhoo, this huge dinosaur that looks like a cross between a t-rex and a duckbill dinosaur blocks the plane, sending them careening into the forest.
THE PLANE: crashes
PILOT: Whew, well, we're safe now!
THE DIRECTOR: LIES!! THIS MOVIE MUST HAVE NONSTOP ACTION!!
And so a REAL T-rex pops up in front of the plane!
T-REX: Grr.
EVERYBODY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
They all flee for their lives.
Somewhere in here the pilot gets eaten/ killed some other way, and Alan falls into a hole. Meanwhile, before the T-rex can do too much damage the Tyrannoduckbill bursts through the trees!
Then, JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN, the two dinosaurs duke it out for about five minutes of pure dinosaur action! Because, that's what the viewers are paying to see! Plot, characters – pssh.
TYRANNODUCKBILL: RAH!!
T-REX: RAAH!!
TYRANNODUCKBILL: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
T-REX: dies
EVERYBODY: Flee! Flee for your lives!!
This leaves us with Alan, Billy, Paul, Amanda, and some random other guy.
PEOPLE WATCHING THIS: Bet you ten bucks the random guys next to go.
ALAN: So, anybody want to tell me what the hell is going on?
PAUL: Well, our son Eric got lost parachuting with Amanda's boyfriend, and we're trying to find him.
BILLY: Wait, I thought you guys were married!
AMANDA: …divorced
ALAN: And how long has the kid been here?
PAUL: …Eight months
ALAN: You realize those other two guys didn't survive eight minutes?
AMANDA: NO! ERIC'S ALIVE!! whips out megaphone ERRRRRRIIIIIIIIICCC!! COME TO MOMMY!!
ALAN: ARE YOU TOUCHED IN THE HEAD??
They then, at some point, find several nests of raptor eggs.
ALAN: This is bad…
BILLY: Yeah, you'd think you'd finally realize that cloned dinosaurs breed after this happens every time…
ALAN: …Anyhoo, moving on.
Billy lags behind, for some mysterious reason… Alan realizes he's missing, turns around and sees Billy coming up behind him.
ALAN: Hey, where'd you go?
Billy: Uh… shifty eyes I was just, uh, snapping some pictures of the raptor eggs! Yeah…
ALAN: Cool.
They continue on, eventually finding the parachute that Eric and Amanda's boyfriend, Ben, used.
AMANDA: MY BABY'S PARACHUTE!!
ALAN: … how do you know it's his?
PAUL: Honestly? How many people do you think parasail through dinosaur infested waters?
ALAN: You would be surprised.
BILLY: Hey, what's this nifty thing? A video camera! Gee, I wonder if it can tell us if Eric survived!
THE VIDEO CAMERA: conveniently has a montage showing clearly that Eric survived the landing
AMANDA: sobs with joy
BILLY: Well, maybe we should keep the parasail – it might come in handy!
ALAN: Why could we possibly need to parasail?
BILLY: tries to unhook it
Suddenly, a skeleton swings out of nowhere and ambushes Amanda!
AMANDA: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!! IT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND!!
PAUL: Ex?
AMANDA: WELL, HE'S DEAD, ISN'T HE?? continues shrieking
She has GOT to be the most obnoxious woman ever. After much more noise she disentangles herself and runs off crying, leaving Billy, Alan, and Random Extra Guy standing deaf in her wake.
PAUL: WAIT! HONEY! goes tearing after her
When he catches up he grabs her, and she collapses dramatically into his arms.
PAUL: I'm sorry about Ben…
AMANDA: confused Who?
PAUL: …your dead ex-boyfriend?
AMANDA: stops crying Oh, I don't care about him! It's just my poor baby darling boy is stranded somewhere on this island!!
PAUL: You just figured that out?
AMANDA: starts crying again
The group resumes walking, until they find a convenient little supply building where they might find a phone, rest for the night, etc.
PAUL: Look, vending machines! Let's pool our quarters…
BILLY: Pssh, screw that! he roundhouse kicks the vending machine, bashing it in with his combat boots
RANDOM GUY: Dude, you just OWNED that vending machine.
BILLY: Ooh, skittles! starts passing out snacks
There's all sorts of broken machinery lying around – like the stuff in Jurassic Park Uno, only run down and cobwebby. Plus, there's all sorts of giant green test tubes with weird stuff floating in them.
AMANDA: moves from test tube to test tube until she finds the one with what appears to be a giant raptor head in it
The camera zooms in on its eye. Everyone watching tenses, waiting for the eye to blink…
The raptor jumps out from behind the test tube!
PEOPLE WATCHING: B – but it didn't blink!!
RAPTOR: I LIIIIIIIIVE!!
EVERYBODY: HOLY SHIT!! Let's run into this room filled with cages!
They run into a room filled with cages, which is obviously either a prison or a dog kennel…neither of which seems like it would matter in a dino cloning base…oh well.
Billy does some more serious ass-kicking and they end up locking the raptor in a cage.
RAPTOR: PHWOOOOONG!!
AMANDA: Wtf is that dinosaur doing?
ALAN: with as much drama as he can muster He's calling for help.
The camera flits to shots of other raptors, in the fields, in the trees, in the showers, in the office, as they all raise their heads upon hearing their countryman's cry of desperation.
And now, it's time for ATTACK OF THE PLOT RAPTORS!!
EVERYBODY: Flee, flee for your life!
They all take off. Again.
Random Guy # 1 gets taken down by a raptor, but everyone else escapes up a tree. The raptors vanish, leaving random guy lying on the ground.
BILLY: Wait, where's Alan?
Apparently, not in the tree.
BILLY: NOOOOOOOO!!
AMANDA: Wait, that guy's still alive! We've gotta help him! starts to climb down
BILLY: Wait, bad idea –
At the first sign of motion, raptors jump from the bushes, dressed in full camoflouge…
PAUL: It's was a trap!
BILLY: NO DUH.
PAUL: They're so smart!
BILLY: No, you're just so stupid!
The raptors all bound away, the last one stopping and instead of doing a typical dino evisceration on Mister Whoever, he BREAKS HIS NECK, Joss Whedon style!!
Meanwhile, Alan has been surrounded. For the supposed expert/field guide he is not doing so hot. But then SMOKE BOMBS fly out of nowhere, scaring off the raptors, and Alan is dragged to safety by a
little boy covered in branches.
He is obviously the missing Eric, and they hide in his trailer for a bit.
ERIC: Want some candy?
ALAN: … HOW ARE YOU ALIVE.
ERIC: Not so sure. I've got snickers! But I used up the last of the smoke bombs on you, so we're pretty much dead.
ALAN: AND HOW ARE YOU NOT TRAUMATIZED?
ERIC: We still have T-rex pee to scare some of the small ones off!
ALAN: …
The next morning they set out to find Billy, Amanda, and Paul. Suddenly, a cheerful electronic noise bursts through the trees!
ERIC: Wait! That's my Dad's cell phone!
ALAN: You're seriously telling me he has a cell phone and never called for help?
They take off running, following the ringing.
ERIC, WHO OBVIOUSLY GOT A LOT OF GENES FROM AMANDA: MOMMY!! DADDY!!
AMANDA: hears here firstborn's melodious voice ERIC!!
They all take off, following Eric's voice, finally meeting on opposite sides of a fence in the center of a field.
AMANDA: ERIC!!
ERIC: MOM!!
PAUL: ERIC!!
ERIC: DAD!!
ALAN: … feeling left out BILLY!!
BILLY: ALAN!!
AMANDA: OH, my poor Ericykins! Were you scared here all by yourself??
ERIC: Not really.
BILLY: Hey, Alan, you saved my bag!
PAUL: How did you find us?
ERIC: We just followed your ringtone!
ALAN: Yeeeah, about that…
BILLY: Hey, Alan ,wanna give me my bag??
PAUL: Wait a second. I don't have my phone!
ALAN: …?
PAUL: Yeah, Cooper had it.
ALAN: … who the fuck is Cooper?
PAUL: Remember the first guy who got eaten by the mutant dinosaur?
Paul's ring tone echoes ominously through the field. Obviously, the director has become starved enough for ideas that he's borrowed from PETER PAN!! Only, because Jurassic Park is much more
technologically advanced, instead of a clock and a crocodile we have a cellphone and a duckbillasauras rex. Yeah.
The Tyrannabill burst through the trees.
TYRANNBILL: RAWR!!
ALAN and ERIC: THROUGH THE FENCE!! THROUGH THE FENCE!!
BILLY: Can I have my bag now, pleeeeease?
ALAN: RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!
So they run. Per usual.
They escape the Tyrannaduckbill and end up ducking through a door and ending up in a rickety wooden structure. Billy and Alan wander off a little bit from the group.
BILLY: So, about my bag…
ALAN: What is with you and that bag?
BILLY: is absolutely ADORABLE in this scene I don't want you to have it! It's not safe!!
ALAN: What, is it carnivorous?
BILLY: No…I … I did something bad! bites lip
ALAN: What. Did. You. Do.
BILLY: looks wounded and desperate
Alan opens and bag and looks inside. Inside the bag are several raptor eggs.
BILLY: Ithoughtwecouldsellthemandusethemoneyforourdigsite, andthenmaybebuyalittlehouseoffthecoastofHawaii…
ALAN: ENOUGH! You have disappointed me! You're just as bad as the people who built this freaking island. No wonder the raptors are following us!
BILLY: sob
They rejoin the happy family, with Alan ignoring and occasionally glaring at Billy, who looks very rejected. They find that the only way out is an extremely rickety bridge.
ALAN: I'll go first. I'm manliest.
BILLY: Hello? Did you even see me karate kick that vending machine?
ALAN: ignores him
He makes it across the bridge, finding another door at the other end.
AMANDA: Eric, sweetie, Mommy's gonna leave for only a few eensy-weensy minutes…
ERIC: I survived for eight months on this Island by myself. I'll be fine for two minutes.
Amanda reluctantly crosses the bridge, and Eric slowly follows.
Suddenly, Alan has an ominous realization! Which this movie is utterly full of…he looks up and sees that there's MORE chain link fence above them.
ALAN: Holy shit, Amanda! grabs her Do you know what this is??
AMANDA: …?
ALAN: A cage.
Ominous music ensues
ERIC: sees a shape through the fog ahead Mommy?
The fog clears, and we see the shape is a PTERODACTYL!!
PTERODACTYLL: CAAAWW!!
ERIC: Uh-oh…
The pterodactyl grabs Eric and swoops off the bridge, heading for some unknown and definitely dangerous destination…
AMANDA: MY BABY!!
ALAN: looks at Billy
BILLY: looks back, with the most determined, serious 'this is my one chance to prove myself to you' look I've ever seen on a character
ALAN: Billy, no…
He's obviously figured out what Billy's about to do. Which I give him props for, for I sure didn't see this coming…
Billy then presses a button and the PARASAIL pops out, and Billy goes parasailing after the pterodactyl!
ALAN: BILLY!!
ERIC: is almost fed to baby pterodactyls, but Billy saves him
Unfortunately, Billy is then mobbed by pterodactyls and everybody else falls into a river.
ALAN: BILLY!!
Billy, meanwhile, is being pecked to death.
PAUL: Come on Alan – you can't save him.
BILLY: NOT DEAD YET HERE!!
ALAN: looks dramatically at Billy's demise, then follows Paul out of the aviary and from the scene of destruction
As they leave, the door creaks open…
PEOPLE WATCHING: OMG!! That means Billy's alive! Right? …right?
Later, on a boat:
Paul and Amanda and Eric reminisce and restore their happy family vibe. Alan goes to the front of the boat to brood about his dead lover – er, assisstant.
ERIC: Hey Alan.
ALAN: mopes
ERIC: I'm sorry about Billy.
ALAN: cries
All of a sudden, a familiar noise is heard floating over the river…it's Paul's cell phone!
AMANDA: OH NO, IT'S THE TYRANNOBILL!!
As it turns out, the Tyrannobill has digested and, er, processed the cell phone and it's come out the other end. They sift through piles of dinosaur crap until they find the phone. Yay!
PAUL: Unfortunately, we only have enough battery for one call.
ALAN: Figures. dials
ELLIE'S TINY KID: Hewwo?
ALAN: Oh, shit. Um…kid?
ETK: Hewwo?
ALAN: It's the dinosaur man! REMEMBER ME?? Now, go find your mommy and give the phone to her!
A roar is heard, as the Tyrannobill bursts through the water and ambushes the boat! Everyone jumps into a small cage in the back of the boat, as the Tyrannobill begins to capsize it.
ELIIE'S KID: Forgets the dying guy on the phone, and, in an utterly BRILLIANT display of irony, goes and watches Barney
Meanwhile, on the boat.
EVERYONE: is dying
Time passes.
ELLIE'S KID: remembers the dying guy on the phone, and runs out to his mom Hey mommy, that dinosaur guy was on the phone. Only I couldn't hear him over all the roaring and screaming…
ELLIE: O.o
Back on the boat, the phone rings. Alan, after some exceptional gymnastics, grabs it.
ALAN: HELLO??
ELLIE: Alan?
ALAN: HELP MEEEEE!!
The tyrannobill continues to wreak destruction. Eventually, Alan and Paul (in an uncharacteristic display of manliness) kill it with a flare gun and a crane. Do not question their genius.
AMANDA: OMG, PAUL'S DEAD!!
PAUL: Right here, actually.
AMANDA: MY LOVE!! throws herself on him LET'S GET REMARRIED!!
PAUL: Um…sure?
They continue to run for the coast. Finally, safety is in sight, when –
A group of raptors, carrying machine guns and wearing KGB uniforms, burst out of the bushes.
ALAN: Oh. Shit. They want the eggs.
No duh, Alan.
The lead raptor begins sniffing Amanda.
ALAN: He thinks you stole the eggs, Mandy.
AMANDA: Why would he think that?? You're the one with the bag??
ALAN: …plot point?
The camera does a close up of the raptor's scaly, CG face. Then a close up of Amanda's face. The raptor reaches out and touches Amanda's face. Her eyes darken and grow intense.
AMANDA: Give me the eggs.
AUDIENCE: OMG!! Did that raptor just possess her??
AMANDA: NOW!
AUDIENCE: Oops, nevermind. She was just all intense because she was afraid for her life. Still, for a second there….
They return the eggs to the raptor, and Alan scares them all away by blowing a few snazzy tunes on the magic raptor flute that Billy made him.
RAPTORS: RUN AWAY!
ALAN: Sweet.
They reach the coast, just in time for the MILITARY – accompanied by Ellie – to land! After much rejoicing they board the special helicopter thingies.
MAN IN THE HELICOPTOR: Dr. Grant?
ALAN: Present?
MAN IN THE HELICOPTOR: Is this guy with you?
Billy lies in a stretcher in the back of the helicopter. He is bloody, bruised, with several broken bones.
ALAN: Billy…
BILLY: I – saved – your – hat …
ALAN: … you saved my what?
BILLY: Pulls out Alan's Indiana Jones style hat Saved your hat…
ALAN: Oh, well… clears his throat Because that's what really matters…
The helicopter flies off into the wild blue yonder, accompanied by flocks of pterodactyls, never mind that the vicious beasts were almost responsible for Billy's untimely death.
FINIS.
Reviews are always appreciated!