Summary: There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

Queen's Quornor: I am a second-generation D&D player. My father raised me on stories of the zany things that happened to his and his friends' characters over the years, and started me on version 3.5 when it debuted. Neither of us acknowledge the existence of version 4.0, being the D&D purists that we are. But it occured to me recently that there is a ton of lessons to be found in D&D, especially for new players who don't know what the hell they're doing yet. Hence, the existence of these tips. I might relate these tales in further chapters. The misadventures that inspired these stories are considered legend in both of the D&D groups I play with regularly.

Sagely Advice for the Mighty Adventurer (or What the Player's Guide and DM Won't Tell You)

1. It is most unwise to sleep with the villains.

2. If the druid wants to say that she is a rock, and is attempting to be a rock, please refrain from telling her that she is not a rock.

3. Not even if she is flying around on her giant bat and screaming something indeciperable at those below.

4. Also refrain from kicking her when she is trying to be a rock.

5. When accidentally summoning a goddess of death to your immediate presence, it is rude to stare at her.

6. Drooling is also considered uncouth.

7. Always check the parentage of your characters' long-term romantic partner. You could have a half-sibling and be completely unaware of this fact.

8. When presented with a golden, glowing box with two angels adorning the lid, do not open the lid. Doing so is extremely hazardous to your health.

9. If you bring about the apocalypse, you will be held accountable. Even if it is not your world's apocalypse.

10. Never remove your clothes and dance naked in the presence of royalty. The guards have no qualms about using their spears to create a human/elven/gnomish/dwarven/etc shish kabob.

11. If you come across a whip-wielding gnome named Endeeyana and there is a hog-tied, gagged female gnome with him named Miriam, do not remove the gag. The song is quite annoying and she never runs out of verses.

12. Never use weighed dice or D20s with four 20s, three 18s, three 17s, and no 1s. The DM will do terrible things to your next fifteen characters.

13. It is considered unwise to interrupt the wise old shaman while he is revealing the secret of fire as he lays dying. The members of your clan have every right to beat you with their clubs if you do.

14. Never pickpocket the court mage. You just don't know what is in those voluminous robes of his.

15. Always have your spell components sorted and organized. You do not want to be picking spiderweb out of your bat guano while a trio of freshly-slain trolls is busy regenerating and your companions have no torches.

16. Always double-check whatever spell component you are currently holding. You cannot banish a rampaging demon with an eyelash in gum arabic and a white feather.

17. Never use the elf-maiden's dildos for spell components. You will be deaf when she realizes what you're doing and unconscious after she knocks you out with the heaviest one.

18. If your character is a homophobe, it is ill-advised to get in an argument with the bisexual cleric of the goddess of love.

19. Particularly if said cleric has a +20 Perform Kiss, a +30 Perform Sex, and the DM is on a rolling streak.

20. Never refer to the NPC paladin as "Sir Stick-in-the-Ass."

21. When wearing Boots of Teleportation, it is considered unbelievably cliche to tap your heels three times and say "There's no race like gnome."

22. Never assume that the poor, helpless maiden/boy prince/young princess you have been paid to protect is actually helpless. There will come a time (repeatedly) when they will save all of your asses.

23. If your character's race is characterized by something odd, such as a floating head with no neck, it is advisable to hide this characteristic as best you can. People will remember you if something bad happens.

24. If one of your fellow PCs is a lumi (the aforementioned neckless race), please refrain from passing your hand between their head and shoulders at random intervals.

25. Do not carve your initials and those of your significant other into a dryad's tree. The mood will be completely spoiled.

26. Do not allow an NPC with the Reverse Gravity spell to become drunk. If he or she does, keep a firm grip on something firmly attached to the floor and hope the bartender is knocked out before the spell expires. You never have enough gold to cover the damages.

27. When entering a small, enclosed space, remember to spike the door and leave somebody outside. Nasty things happen in such places.

28. Especially when the dwarf is feeling naughty.

29. If your adventures take you to Candyland, keep in mind that too many sugary sweets will result in Fortitude checks.

30. Never annoy the extremist druids. If you do, and plants start reaching for you, do not assume it is to give you a hug.

31. If Borg ships begin appearing in the sky above the city, it is time to hit the road.

32. Never allow the halfling to swim in the River Styx or the River Lethos. He will either be reduced to a babbling idiot with the intelligence of a very stupid animal or suffer from permanent amnesia. Gods help you if he falls in both of them.

33. When touring Shadowdale, do not bad-mouth Elminister. The locals do not appreciate it and will immediately force you to mend your ways.

34. Depending on your surroundings, it is also unwise to speak ill of Count Strahd von Zarovich, Drizzt Do'Urden, the Lady Crysania, any matron mother, Gord, Iuz, Uncle Trapspringer, or King Azoun IV.

35. Always remember to change your undergarments after the day's events. It is no good rolling a natural 20 for both Hide and Move Silently if the target can smell you coming.

36. Do not steal from the faeries. You won't like them when they're angry.

37. Pissing off shapeshifters of any kind is most unwise.

38. If the only healer in the group asks you to chop off his hopelessly mangled, useless hands, stop being a wuss and chop off his hands! The new hands will actually be able to do something useful.

39. Never attempt to flirt with the handsome, evil priest about to sacrifice you to his patron demon lord. No matter how hot he is when he grins, it will not save you.

40. Do not deflower the king's only daughter, especially if she is betrothed to the prince of the kingdom with which her own has been at war for generations. The kingdoms will stop killing each other only to try and kill you.

41. Never turn your back on a drow child. Seriously, just don't do it. You will not live to regret it.

42. It is most unwise to moon mages and sorcerors.

43. Mocking the bard's voice is not a good idea.

44. Make friends with the cleric. They always heal their buddies first.

45. If the kobolds are summoning Demigorgon, you might want to apologize to the DM and make amends for whatever you did to piss him or her off. Groveling is a good tactic here.

46. If your character likes to sleep around, keep in mind that adventurers are not immune to parenthood.

47. If you did not heed that warning and your character is dungeon-crawling while in the last weeks of pregnancy, start hoping the DM does not make you roll a Save vs. Labor.

48. Do not zone out in the middle of a battle. You won't like the consequences.

49. Failing to pay attention at any time, actually, may result in your character suffering a terrible mishap such as being spontaneously teleported to one of the Nine Hells.

50. It doesn't matter how awesome your character is and how much you like them; traps are indiscriminatory.

51. Do not reach into strange bags without close examination. Some bags are known to bite.

52. Do not set fire to the elven forest.

53. Never attempt to bribe the DM.

54. Flipping off the gods is never a good idea. You want that finger to remain exactly where it is, don't you?

55. When planning to murder royalty, keep that information to yourself. Wandering around town chanting "we're going to kill the king!" will result in getting chased by the entirety of the palace guard.

56. If something speaks with you telepathically, do not reply out loud. The asylum always has a spare bed ready.

57. If the DM is smiling, you might want to start thinking about your next character.

58. If Jesus is an NPC in your campaign, he will not make a good look-out.

59. Always remember: the DM is a manipulative bastard who is trying to kill your characters. Do not expect mercy unless it somehow suits their needs.

60. Whatever happens in the gaming room, stays in the gaming room.

61. If your crush's character is interested in/dating/sleeping with your character, do not assume that means your crush is actually interested in you.

62. Do not trap the local children in a stone box.

63. Do not step out into the blackness. That first step is a doozy.

64. When the campaign leads you to our world, do not attempt anything that could result in genocide.

65. Pandemonium, Acheron, Limbo, and the Positive Energy Plane are not good tourist destinations. They are very lively, and will result in your death.

66. Do not attempt to out-sex the sex priest. Particularly if the priest in question has more than three hundred years of experience under his belt.

67. Use your luckiest die when rolling to clot.

68. Just because you have morphed something into a seemingly benign shape does not mean that you have rendered it harmless.

69. It is unwise to have two lawful good paladins in the same party. They will attempt to out-arrogant, out-preach, and out-smite each other on a daily basis.

70. Especially if they are of different faiths.

71. Paladins of differing alignments and creeds also mean headaches for the other characters.

72. A special-ed half-orc barbarian will kill anything for a pile of cookies.

73. When playing cavemen, it is ill-advised to leave your loincloth on while standing over the fire.

74. Never de-horn the unicorn.

75. Avoid becoming the demon's tether-ball at all costs.

76. Flirting with the DM will not get you anything but pain and misery in the end.

77. Also true with the DM's significant other. Times a thousand.

78. If you piss off the daimyo, beware of beautiful women in kimono.

79. Never tug on the dragon's wings.

80. When storming the castle, do not take inspiration from The Princess Bride. It will not work.

81. Let sleeping dragons lie. Also do not make off with their treasure unless you have a serious death-wish.

82. Do not cast Glitterdust and Faerie Fire at the same time. You will find that the total number of monsters in the area has multiplied quite suddenly.

83. Do not play Ding Dong Ditch on the wizard's tower. He will find you.

84. Casting Grease beneath a god's foot, while highly amusing, will only result in one very high price on your head.

85. Keep in mind that eating more than your fair share of the pizza may result in spontaneous LARPing.

86. Do not use the wizard's spellbook as toilet paper.

87. It is unwise to shave the dwarf.

88. If your character is drunk, inevitably that is when the village will be attacked.

89. Casting Stone to Mud on the entire castle is generally a bad idea.

90. Manipulating the samurai into committing sabuku without good reason could result in being targeted by ninjas.

91. Never trust an NPC who is always smiling.

92. Do not drop-kick the halfling, no matter how annoying he is.

93. Never attempt to bleach the drow.

94. When attempting to kill the king's killer, it is not a good idea to collapse the entire castle on his head. Especially while you are still in it.

95. While the monk is attacking, cinematic sound effects are not needed.

96. The traditional D&D character will not know what a gun is, nor will he or she ever run across one. Do not have your character equipped with some sort of gun when the campaign begins. This also applies to bazookas.

97. If somebody is attempting to climb in your window, do not assume they are there for romantic pursuits.

98. Do not use Prismatic Spray to extinguish a fire. If it affects it at all, you'll just end up making it worse.

99. If one of the PCs is evil and fond of the innocent little hyperactive virgin PC, it is ill-advised to go about making her a woman. Evil PCs are very creative in the uses of acid.

100. Do not use Thor's Hammer to repair the tumble-down shack of a poor leper.

101. In fact, never use a god's weapon for anything other than its intended purpose.

102. Do not use the demi-lich for a kickball.

103. If the puppy has more than one head, petting it is not a good idea. Even if it is described as the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.

104. If strange humans with bicolored uniforms and a triangular golden insignia suddenly materialize in your general vicinity, it is in your best interest to not attack them. This is especially true if one of them introduces himself as either Captain Jon-Luc Picard or Commander William Riker of the Starship Enterprise.

105. If the gods all wish to commit suicide, helping them could result in a nice promotion for you.

106. Never attempt a mutiny on a Spelljammer ship, no matter how much of a brainless bastard the captain is.

107. It is impossible to drown a sea elf. Those gills are not there just for show.

108. If you are playing a necrophiliac, it is best to keep this knowledge to yourself.

109. The gnome is not allowed to use nuclear explosives.

110. Do not, under any circumstances, steal Gandalf's hat.

111. When making a business agreement with a dracolich, always bring parchment and paper. If the dracolich in question is a red dracolich, you will want to make the document fireproof after you both have signed it.

112. It is possible to kill Tiamat with a critical hit + charge bonus using a holy lance while mounted on a warhorse. But just because it happened once does not mean it will ever happen again.

113. Always keep detailed maps when dungeon-crawling. If you are using a dry-erase board for this purpose, it is in your best interests to take the markers and eraser with you if you and the other players must leave the room without the DM.

114. If you enjoy taunting the DM and celebrating after a particularly difficult fight, remember that the DM holds your character's continued existence in his or her hands.

115. When the DM starts rolling dice without explanation, be very, very afraid.

116. Bitch-slapping the queen is never an option, despite what she said about you.

117. Do not flash the paladin.

118. Interrupting the villain in your campaign during his long-winded monologue is generally frowned upon, as you can use that time to think about ways of getting out of this mess.

119. If the DM creates an NPC they particularly enjoy and whom the players find particularly annoying, beware of repeated appearances at random times whenever they are running a campaign.

120. If you are battling both drow and kzinti at the same time, and they are both after your castle, you might want to consider a change of address.

121. Never, ever get involved in the Blood War.

122. Do not introduce the DM to video games the day before a session. You will find characters such as Sephiroth, Yuffie, Sora, and Master Chief suddenly appearing as NPCs in your campaign.

123. Theme music is unappreciated whenever a character's name is mentioned. The DM has duct tape for a reason.

124. It is not a good idea to name your weapons after weapons used by more famous characters, or to name your character after such characters. Being named 'Artemis Entreri' in Calimport, for example, may be rewarded with a visit from the real Artemis Entreri.

125. Your character may have the Raise Dead, Animate Dead, and/or Resurrect spell in his or her repetoire. However, it is unwise to use such spells without good reason. Gods of death do not like losing too many of the souls beneath their care.

126. A zombie follower, while amusing, will not be well-received by other PCs or NPCs, even if you have taught it how to talk. Best to put the poor thing out of its misery before the cleric turns it and it explodes.

127. Do not drink the Table Wine.

128. Do not play poker with a Deck of Many Things.

129. If you actually stop to think about what the hell is going on around you, your head will explode.

130. If you are looking for someone to keel-haul, the navigator is not on the list of viable people.

And last but certainly not least...

131. Dice are not meant to be used as projectiles.